I so hope this is the end (dying)

[Soupsetscared]

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

This is her dementia talking so don’t take anything she’s said to heart. I know how you must feel, it’s like she’s gone anyway and her quality and f life is poor. Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do. I know how difficult it can be to have a loved one with dementia.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost my Mam just under 3 months ago to a long illness and watching how ill she was in hospital was so traumatic. Not wanting to see them in pain any more but knowing that the only way to do that is for them to no longer be here, is the worst thing in the world.

People always say well at least you had time to prepare which really annoys me because although it is true and I had already began to grieve some what, seeing someone you love like that leaves it's mark.

My Mam didn't have dementia but said some strange things in the end and stopped eating and drinking, I knew it wasn't long. The staff never seemed to tell me anything straight either which was frustrating, don't be afraid to ask questions. I remember visiting and crying every time I got in the car and dreading the phone going off in the night.

Wishing you both peace x

She doesn’t think that about you, you know?

im so sorry, what a wicked disease. Praying the end comes quickly and peacefully, and you can grieve, and remember the lovely mum you had x

I am so sorry this is happening to your mum and you. Please remember it isn't your mum who is talking. She loves you. It's such a cruel disease. Sending love and support OP x

No, you're not evil. I wished the same for my grandad when he passed a few years ago. He went from the most funny, vibrant, witty man, to a haunted shell of a man due to the dementia. He wouldn't have wanted to live like that and be seen like that.

Nor does your mum think you're evil, she doesn't know what she's saying.

Spend as much time as possible with her and spend that time reminiscing about your life with her.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Not evil - I had to make the decision that my OH should not be treated for pneumonia under very similar circumstances - he was physically very incapacitated and quite quite nuts. I wanted him to slip peacefully away. He too said some dreadful and out of character things to me - but I knew it was not him talking.

I had to do some undignified things for my poor OH - think suppositories and catheters - for this respected professional man. His life had already ended - or any sort of meaningful life.

Let your Mum just slip away and remember the good things - not the things she says now when her mind has gone. Sending a hand hold.

Dementia is an evil disease as it takes our loved ones twice.

You're not evil for wanting your mum to slip away peacefully OP, please don't think that, and as others have said, please don't take the things your mum said to heart - it wasn't your mum saying them.

Sending hugs to you OP, and praying the end comes quickly and peacefully for your mum.

Dementia is cruel to everyone- the sufferer and their family.

Your mum doesn’t think you’re evil my darling, she doesn’t know what she’s saying.

I hope she passes peacefully.

I'm sorry OP. She does not actually think that way about you, it is the dementia. When this is long past you will be able to remember her as she was at heart and all the wonderful things you have described about her. In the meantime sending you strength and hugs.

From the experience I have of DOLS (exP had one) all it is it basically saying that she can't discharge herself, I could be wrong of course but that's why he had to have one put on. Also, you aren't horrible for hoping it's the end I watched both my great grandparents go through dementia and it's a horrible disease. Please don't feel bad and remember she loves you really this isn't her it's the horrible disease speaking xx

No my love, you are very far from evil. Dementia is horrific and you want your mum to stop suffering. That is love. The DNR is a very good idea but you could also discuss with the nursing home about only having treatment that does not involve going into hospital. So for instance oral antibiotics but not admittance to hospital for intravenous antibiotics. The kindest thing now is to cause the least distress at the same time as providing the most comfort for your dear mum.
I have been where you are. I wish you strength. X

It is so hard. Dementia is very cruel. This really isn't how she feels about you.

But I would also let your brother know. Give him the chance to come and say goodbye.

"I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me."

I know I don't know you or your mum but I really doubt that is what she thinks of you.

What an awful position you're in x

It’s a horrible horrible disease. My mum was similar. It was a relief when she passed away sadly.

Your mum doesn’t think those things. It’s her dying brain being naughty. She loves you.

I’ve been where you are. I was relieved when my mum died, and not ashamed to say so. Xxx

So sorry you are going through this. Remember it's the dementia talking she doesn't think those things herself. You are not evil - my dear Mum had a massive stroke aged 92 I wanted her to pass away because after the stroke it was no life for her at all. Thankfully she passed quickly and peacefully, I wish the same for your mum.

Been there just a few months ago

Sending you lots of good wishes

Your poor mum xxxxxx

if dementia turns out to be the reason why people used to believe in demonic possession I would believe it. It kills the soul of the person you knew and replaces it with something else. Hideous disease. You’re not evil for wanting her to pass out of this state. We don’t let animals suffer but we let humans drag on.

It started with odd things. Mum was convinced she had bed bugs and was obsessed with it. Didn’t realise at the time but this is quite common. She started losing things/forgetting things and it was odd stuff. She’d lost her keys so went to the park to find them. Didn’t find them but came back without her purse. 🤦‍♀️
Initially we thought it was perimenopause or menopause brain fog but it eventually became clear it wasn’t. Ask said person to draw a clock. It’s one of the tests the doctors didn’t with Mum and it’s something most people with dementia (even early stages) can’t do.

Your Mum doesn’t think that about you OP it’s the disease talking. Take care 💐

Thank you. I will try the clock picture. Although it may look a bit strange to start asking them to draw a clock in my situation 🤣. What part of it can’t they manage? The numbers?

Yes it’s the numbers. Mum could do the circle and the hands but didn’t have a clue where the numbers went.

She absolutely doesn’t think that about you. The myth that people with dementia have ‘lost their filter’ or ‘say what they mean’ is rubbish and totally scientifically debunked. It was explained to me by a top of field specialist …. she is responding to sound and light which has frightened her because her brain is no longer working. It’s not a response to what you said or you at all. Our brains look for logic so your brain translates what she said as a response/reaction to what you said and her brain no longer works so is just reacting to sound that it doesn’t understand. It’s not her and what she says doesn’t in any way represent any rational thought.
I’m so sorry - it’s horrible.

It might sound old fashioned but I was always taught -
3 minutes without Oxygen,
3 days without water and 3 weeks without food. As a general rule when coming to the end of life.
She sounds like a wonderful woman. I’m sure you are in turn a wonderful daughter.

So sorry for what you are going through.

At some point there needs to be a proper debate about dementia and prolonging "life" when there is no life. Medicine should be about alleviating suffering- and circumstances like these are extreme suffering.