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Original poster

DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

345 replies

FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether · 04/06/2023 02:31

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 04/06/2023 02:40

Treat his gaming addiction like you would an addiction to alcohol/gambling/drugs and get him proper help. He's admitted it and that's a positive first step.

dropthevipers · 04/06/2023 03:21

Time for a crash course in life on planet earth. get a job. any job. pay rent. chores around the house. After a while, he can then sort out what he actually wants to do which looks realistic. (i.e. not taking the piss on a uni course doing fuck all)

lljkk · 04/06/2023 04:29

Sorry you're going thru this, OP.
In halls, DS had lad in next room who woke up at 8pm, gamed approx 10pm-7am, and ... dunno if he went to lectures at all. Mind boggles.

Interested in this thread?

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Higher education

Dotcheck · 04/06/2023 04:36

What BTEC does he have?

BagLadyHere · 04/06/2023 04:41

I assume he's depressed or has other mental health problems, have you bothered to check this out?

Savoury · 04/06/2023 04:49

Re gaming, is that where he was spending all his time at uni? Does he need professional help?

Hand on heart it’s time for him to decide whether uni is for him academically or he was following a path others set out for him.

What about an apprenticeship in Tech, accounting or similar? He would get some money while being trained in a chosen field.

rwalker · 04/06/2023 05:31

It’s not the end of the world he’s limited his options but won’t realise that for a long time

ask him his plans and how he plans to give you his 10k back

he’s taken the piss by not getting a job
each to there own but I wouldn’t of bankrolled one of mine if they weren’t making an effort to work

Zingy123 · 04/06/2023 05:32

He sounds like he needs support. You don't sound like you like him very much.

threebean · 04/06/2023 05:38

Zingy123 · 04/06/2023 05:32

He sounds like he needs support. You don't sound like you like him very much.

Where on earth did you get the latter part from???

Tots678 · 04/06/2023 05:39

You don't sound like you like him very much.😂😂

RosesAndHellebores · 04/06/2023 05:44

It sounds like he needs professional help. You are quite right to not set up the computer. Can you take his phone overnight?

I'd recommend GP visit, therapy, and being supportive.

He also needs a job - if he's science orientated - electrician? There's honestly so much work about at present.

It sounds like there's been stuff going wrong since his mid teens. The D in English could be dyslexia related. Could there be undiagnosed ADHD going on which became harder to deal with as the complexity of studies and need for personal organisation cranked up, leading to the switch to a BTec?

I know you're cross but he's still a boy and sounds vulnerable. Be kind and facilitate help.

senua · 04/06/2023 05:50

Is he telling the truth? - it seems a strange time of year to be kicked out.

Don't try to 'fix him', though, he needs to do that himself. Support him but don't try to mend things for him.

senua · 04/06/2023 05:53

And is he definitely definitely out? Has he gone through all procedures, mitigations, appeals, etc.

MumHereForTheDrama · 04/06/2023 05:57

Good start. He needs a bit if wake up call. Once you've checked mental health
Sometimes aren't we just teengets making bad choices and that's what he needs to work out.
Hopefully he does find a job. Any job and that's a start
Does he have many friends locally?

MintJulia · 04/06/2023 05:57

dropthevipers · 04/06/2023 03:21

This.

Time for tough love. He isn't mature enough to run his life as an adult so back to being a sixth former. You get him up in the morning, when you get up, he does chores - cleans cars, tidies garden, washes windows until he gets a job. Any job. Cut off his money supply. Make him sign on. Point him at Indeed, and the local job agencies.

Bar work, manual work, junior sales job,

Box up his PC, take it to a relative's house and ask to store it in their loft.

Be positive and cheerful around him, he will need your support. He'll be fine, he's still got plenty of time to sort himself out.

HashBrownandBeans · 04/06/2023 05:59

He sounds so much like my eldest, honestly living in the real world sorted mine out. He’s now 25 and doing his dream job(involving his gaming, honestly I was flabbergasted after years of trying to get him to quit). I’m not sure what advice to give you, I was so angry and disappointed at the time like you but there is hope.

JennyJenny8675309 · 04/06/2023 06:09

Zingy123 · 04/06/2023 05:32

He sounds like he needs support. You don't sound like you like him very much.

Oh FFS. 🙄

femfemlicious · 04/06/2023 06:11

Zingy123 · 04/06/2023 05:32

He sounds like he needs support. You don't sound like you like him very much.

You sound ridiculous. You expect her to coddle him to death?.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/06/2023 06:12

@Zingy123 I have always said to my dc, mid/late 20s now that my love for them is and always will be unconditional. Their behaviour, however, shapes whether I shall always like them. There have been moments, oh yes.

Daisychainsandglitter · 04/06/2023 06:13

I did very similar to your DS but instead of gaming I got drunk all the time.
I did eventually manage to turn it around and got a job in an insurance claims call centre, worked my way up and did professional exams. I did have to pay my student loan off which was irritating as I had nothing to show for it.
I now have a good job and have done well for myself but can still remember the shame of having let everyone down when I was kicked out of uni.
Good luck to your DS. I hope it works out for him.

Houselamp · 04/06/2023 06:14

Uni doesn't necessarily have to be out forever, obviously he need to sort himself out first so not for now, but if he were to do a health related degree (O,lT Physio, Nurse, radiography etc) he can get a second set of student finance funding. So a new set of three years of funding.
Not for now but possibly an option for later on

GeneJeanie · 04/06/2023 06:15

He’s highly intelligent but I never understand this comment on threads like this.

But what if he doesn't do any of that?

TallerThanAverage · 04/06/2023 06:32

My DS was asked not to return/decided not to continue (tomato/tomato) at the end of his first year because of his lack of drive and cba attitude rather than any addiction. I wasn’t furious with him. He asked if I was disappointed in him and the honest answer was no, he gave it a go and found higher education wasn’t for him. He got himself a job locally and then from contacts he had made while living up north got a better job up there. He sorted accommodation etc for himself and although he’s not doing what he ultimately wants he’s doing alright. He will find his path as will your DS if fundamentally they’re a good kid.

Hairbrushhandle · 04/06/2023 06:39

Lecturer here. Have you seen his module transcripts (he will be able to see them online)? Because resits haven't happened yet so any modules with exams this year are salvageable. Even modules with 100% coursework you can usually resubmit the coursework on the resit period and it'll be capped at the pass mark. Or is it purely on lack of attendance that he's been asked to leave?

Fwiw, we often find btec students struggle to adjust. The btec is great but doesn't prepare them well for academic assessment compared to A levels. With my UGs I often have to explain what a paragraph is to the btec student, not because they're any less intelligent (often they are the most sparky in the classroom) but theyve never had feedback on that kind of writing.

GoodChat · 04/06/2023 06:39

He gets a job - like every other adult out of education. Any job for now. It doesn't matter what.

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