DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

My first thought, as some poster have mentioned, is to support and help your DS, as this may be due to underlying MH issues- anxiety/depression.
Once you're sure about all that (have professional support in place if need be), you can then work on the next steps.

I had some pretty similar experiences - twice. It took me three unis to get a degree! I kept it all secret from my parents until the 2nd time went wrong.

Sometimes I think I was just lazy - I just never went to lectures - but there was a lot going on MH wise with a huge crisis of confidence and a sort of head-in-the-sand avoidance of life. I got off on the wrong foot, and it floored me. It was definitely a cry for help.

Anyway -my contribution is really that my parents' disappointment in me was the thing I was most afraid of, why I didn't tell them for so long and why it all escalated so far. I honestly don't think you need to even tell him you are disappointed, he 100% knows.

Uni timetables are so loose its extremely easy for things like gaming addictions to take over without the consequences showing for a long time - it's only happened now 2 years in, whereas you'd get fired after a week at work.

If you can start with the addiction with some open discussions and therapy, and a boring job just to pay the bills, or volunteering even- just for a bit of structure in the day- things will hopefully fall into place over the next few months and his hopes for what he wants to do in the future will emerge.

As he likes gaming maybe he could self study coding/software development - lots of stuff on the internet. Or look for a suitable apprenticeship eg in Civil Service

Flying through GCSEs and then crashing when it comes to A levels onwards is a common pattern for very bright people with ADHD (which is why, snide earlier poster, highly intelligent people manage to fuck up uni).

Mental health is the first priority. I would look into assessment for ADHD, and possibly ASD (there is a lot of crossover) and seek help for the gaming addiction. He is young and can definitely turn things around, but his mental health and addictions need to addressed first.

My DSD left uni after a year and got an apprenticeship, which was the making of her. She’s now on a good wage and enjoys working.

My DSS struggled through college, but has gotten on much better at work.

The debt and wasted years sucks, but your DS is still young. Help him to find jobs online and talk him through the applying process (ensuring that he’s the one actually sourcing and applying for the jobs, not you). Often we need a helping hand at the beginning to get us started. It’s tempting to make him apply for any and every job, but at the start he could at least look for jobs he wouldn’t mind doing. He might need some time to stop being taught and to start learning on the job. Money coming in that he has earnt himself, might give him the confidence and if you find a company with progression opportunities, he could make his way without a uni degree.

Sorry but the university stuff doesn't make sense. He wouldn't be told he had to leave at this stage (before award boards). He also would not be allowed to continue into year 2 without first passing year one. At the heart of the 'story' is the gaming addiction which would need addressing first.

My son by the way asked me to remind him of essay deadlines etc. It sounds really weird and interfering that I did but he wanted it and he and I found it did work.

A friend had to do this with her ADHD son @Xenia. She was copied in on emails from the university as well. He graduated with a 2.1 from a well thought of RG university. Sometimes interventions like this are necessary.

As a BTEC lecturer of 20+ years I really am not keen on crossover between the two systems, BTEC goes all the way to level 7, which is masters level. The systems were designed to be separate, with vocational subjects fitting the tech college route and academic at uni, then they decided everyone needed a bloody degree and attempted to de-value the BTEC by offering degree top up courses to top up your level 6 or 7 qualification to their version of level 6 or 7.

They (I don't like them) are a disease, the spread like a fungus absorbing all the once vocational trades and arts into their particular flavour of education, which doesn't suit many and isn't suited for many of the subjects.

Does he not have many friends? Are they all online friends? I think you need to make home really boring. Change the WiFi password so he can’t spend all day on his phone? Do you pay for any of his subscriptions and stuff? Cancel them if you do. Be breezy about it but blunt and tell him you don’t want any distractions from him getting a job. Point out he’s in debt, he’s got a student overdraft and loans to pay off. When he’s looking for jobs online make sure the only place he can use a laptop is in the living room or something so he can’t game. If he gets shitty tell him those are the house rules if he wants to stay with you or he’s welcome to leave- where would he go with no money.

It might be the making of him, a full time job with routine and colleagues and the reward of a steady income. Uni isn’t for everyone and he sounds very bright- just lazy and needs to wise/toughen up.

I was also going to say this - DBro was kicked out of Cambridge for similar reasons (fortunately managed to transfer to a lesser but still good Uni, and limped out with a 2.2). He has ADHD. He was able to cram for A levels (4As) but couldn’t put in the sustained work needed for university.

He does very well at work - he is in a fast-paced career where he has no opportunity for procrastination (wfh was also terrible for him, and he chooses to go in most days). When he is focused, he is great. Working at director level in his early 40s.

@tonyatotter what do you mean? Are you saying universities are trying to shoehorn arts and trades into degrees?

The while country knows we need plumbers and electricians, and agree it’s a fantastic career for many children but crucially not their own. Until we stop being so snobby about alternative qualifications, we will always have a shortfall of key professions.

This happened with my son and I was worried exactly the same.
He WILL get passed this. He is probably hating himself right now. Get him applying for any sort of work, so he gets into a rhythm of working. Future employers would rather see any work history, than none.
Once he knows what he wants to do, look at higher level apprenticeships as an option.
Basically, uni is not the be all, end all.
Gaming: yes, it’s something he will need to lessen. But working will help with that.

I know you will have all sorts of emotions at the moment and it won’t be easy, but please be kind to him.

I would start with two things, his health - any MH issues, potential ADHD / gaming addiction - if it was me I would throw money at this as I would anticipate that going though the NHS would be very difficult, but perhaps check if that is the case where you live.

The second thing, to be done in parallel, as academics upthread have advised is to check whether he has been thrown out, his transcripts, options etc.

Try and make sure of the basics, regular meals, going to bed at a decent time, maintaining hygiene, being active, some time outside, seeing his friends (as long as they are not gaming all the time). He should contribute to the running of the house, helping with cleaning and cooking.

Perhaps the previous paragraph sounds like overkill and none of these aspects are an issue, but I would think going cold turkey on gaming may throw up so issues, at least temporarily.

If possible try to get him to apply for jobs outside during the day. Getting outside and some sunshine can really help.

Gaming addiction is tough to beat, you might need to ask him to surrender his phone, or he will just start gaming on there instead. His ‘drug’ of choice is electronic games so anything Wi-Fi enabled needs to be out of reach or extremely limited.

He needs to tackle his addiction first, but keep busy with some employment (seasonal work could be good here) as he needs the routine and to be busy.

Sounds like a spoilt brat ! Let him come home, not internet, no money, just food and a bed, until he gets a job, contributes fully to the home.

He's young, although it feels like it right now it isn't the end of the world.

I agree with the pp who have said that he needs any job to start with, as it's the start of the summer season he may get some seasonal work pretty quick. I'd make him pay rent/ pay back what he's cost you while lying over time.

He would have not been able to proceed to second year without successfully completing first year with or without resits (which are scheduled before the start of the next academic year) so I’m wondering if he has even been registered as a student for his second year?
His record suggests he is nor suited to university - I was pastoral leader for first year students for many years and even with lots of support I can’t think of anyone who turned a situation like this around. There are still many possibilities for him when he works out what he wants to do.

Ridiculous thing to say.

He didn’t resit his first year modules that he needed to.

Id focus on why he felt he needed to neglect everything else for gaming. Was he disorganised, felt he couldn’t do it etc (possible undiagnosed inattentive adhd), was it depression, was it actual addiction?

Once you’ve got to the bottom of the root cause, then you get the necessary help. Gentle, firm boundaries. I wouldn’t expect a 40 hour job straight off but I would be encouraging some sort of part time work to support himself whist treating the root cause of his problems.

People are such dicks about mental health. If the op's son had come home from uni because of a physical illness I suspect many posters would be far more sympathetic.

I would highly recommend signing on for Universal Credit. He will then be linked in with a Job Coach at the Job Centre.

This will give him structure to his days and some consequences if he doesn’t prove he is applying for work/ attend JC in person.

It really worked for my DS2. He got on to a govt work experience scheme and has never looked back.

He got a full time job earlier this year and is living independently a flat share.

It's really not helpful for posters to start diagnosing him and suggesting all sorts of mental issues he may have. Not helpful at all.

Yes , he may have mental issues or he may just be lazy (or both!) But it's not helpful to start suggesting ADHD

Sadly they have been at it for years, when I started out teaching HND Graphic Design around 2000, a graduate (HND, level 5) was considered by the industry to be ready to work, but universities started offering a 2 year top up to BA, level 6 - many students took this route, then couldn't get a job because the studios felt that the extra 2 years and the university approach had made them less suitable to start work - many regretted it.

Slowly the number of purely vocational courses in graphics have declined and been replaced by university lead BA programmes, which are longer, more expensive, contain academic content and methods which are not needed, the result is students that may have studied have been put off.

Now in this field computerisation has reduced the number of jobs, so it hasn't really shown up in a shortfall, but it certainly is in other areas - we are loosing out on great quality creatives because they are not compatible with the uni system, and its a huge shame.

It’s also the case that many with inattentive adhd manage to limp along at school because they are naturally bright and they are in a structured, controlled environment with fairly rigid rules. At uni, where they are responsible for themselves, it all unravels.

Jesus Christ, so far we’ve had ADHD, extreme gaming addition, depression, anxiety and other unnamed MH issues all suggested by unqualified ‘experts’ based on one post. Maybe he’s just lazy, or does that not exist anymore? Either way, he needs to learn to survive in this world.