DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

Get him into sport, into a team or some sense of normality and endorphins from healthy exercise and not computer games.

He's young. He can start again.
Tackle the gaming- cold turkey and force him into other activities. Keep him away from tech.
He has to earn his living with a job, any job. A crap job will help him see that he has to make a plan.
Let him know you're there for him, you'll support him, but you're not going to fund his chosen lifestyle.

Sorry you're going through this.

@tonyatotter interesting point and I agree.

Oh and I missed dyslexia because he didn’t do well in English, because that’s how dyslexia works now 😂

My friend’s DS did this 10 years ago. All he wanted to do was gaming. She was in despair with him. He took some computer game courses at the local college (she had reservations about this, didn’t know if it would lead to more dossing about) that eventually led to him actually working in computer game design. It’s take a while but he enjoys that work. Very worrying to go through though OP when you feel like they’re spoiling all their opportunities. Hope he can find his groove.

Why do you think it’s unhelpful for those of us who have been through very similar situations to suggest that ADHD is something to consider? ADHD is not an excuse. It can be the root cause of problems and is worth looking into, as effective treatment can be transformative.

What part of OPs one post about her son makes you so keen to suggest ADHD? I assume you’re not qualified to make such a diagnosis even if you had met her son and assessed him in person like a professional?

My DD is currently at art school for a different design subject and would completely agree with that. She sees no point in producing academic essays to go alongside the actual design work, but they're needed to call it a BA. Luckily she did an essay subject at A-level and can plough through them, but it leaves a bad taste. (At least she's signed up for a placement year.)

Some people don't do well without structure so perhaps he could go the apprenticeship route? Get paid while working and learning and have the structure and support? He won't get away with slacking off. There are loads of pathways now too - not just the traditional ones including degree apprenticeships.

Getting some support around his gaming sounds sensible too.

I get you are (understandably) super frustrated but this might be a real turning point for him, especially with your support.

Good luck

Thanks.

Worth noting, the unis that have done this tend to be the ex-polytechnics that previously offered great vocational courses, but have been made into universities and had to make previously vocational programmes academic.

In my experience these places often don't provide a great student experience, yes there are numerous drinking venues and raves, but less in the way of student social life and support that you might expect at an older uni.

The government really ought to lay out what subjects are vocational and what are academic, what the upper qualification is and therefore considered ready to work.

In my subject it used to be kids would come from school with GCSE's then do a National Diploma (2 years), Higher National Diploma (2 years) then off to work at 20/21 as a junior, after about 5 years they could expect to be a studio manager or account manager in a reasonable studio.

Maybe he is just lazy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider all the other root causes so you can rule them out. Untold damage could be caused by treating him as if he is lazy, if it isn’t just that.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to suggest the possibility of ADHD - it is only a suggestion, no one can diagnose him on here, even a professional - we are all aware of that. There are a large number of people with undiagnosed ND. Many posters have a great deal of personal lived experience.

Are you qualified to dismiss it as a possibility?

Also, he has disclosed a gaming addiction - the op says that herself. This is something that needs to be properly addressed.

First answer nailed it really.
And of course he has to get his life back on track but it feels like he’s lost his way and that's sad for him.
Gaming can become an addiction, it’s a recognised mental health condition that needs more than taking his pc away though, so professional treatment is needed.
Some will say he needs to ‘ adult’ but he is very young and whilst I realise you are shocked , angry and he’s wasted time and money, he needs your support to get back on track and to recover.

He is so young, uni isn’t for everyone, he needs to get healthy, one step at a time in a safe place.

So whilst I would say don’t mollycoddle him, keep the good conversations going, it’s taken huge strength to tell you all this, and there is hope for recovery.

Sadly this is the case, harvard referenced essays are naff all to do with being an artist, they are actually the opposite of free thought and creativity.

Thats not to say academic process doesn't have its place, if she was reading art history it would be appropriate.

Its the result of one size fits all thinking

What rubbish, a parent who didn't like their son wouldn't be as concerned for himas the OP clearly is! There are too many people on this site for whom Schadenfreude is their biggest turn-on.

My own post explained it but the fact that the OP’s description of her son’s educational history and approach to life is very very similar to that of my DS who does have diagnosed ADHD.

I’m not diagnosing her child, just suggesting it’s something for her to consider - and it needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Many people have no idea how ADHD manifests and wouldn’t even have thought of it. I was one of them.

Why do you think people shouldn’t be suggesting it might be a factor? As I said, it’s not about making an excuse, as many MN posters seem to think. It’s about potentially accessing the right treatment and support for a condition that can be disabling.

Well said @Showdogworkingdog . He needs to make his own way in life. And complaining about his gaming will make him do it more not less.

One of my friends was just like this except somehow convinced the university to let him do 3rd year and scraped a degree.

He needs to give up thinking about uni and think about how he plans to earn his living. An apprenticeship might suit better as he’ll have to turn up each day or else. Does he have any concept of what he wants to do?

The gaming addiction is the main issue.

But a University education is not for everyone, I retired from academia a few years ago and DH is just working out his last couple of years. Blair made a massive mistake, it’s not about remaining for the elite only. It’s just that it really is not the right path for some individuals it’s like squashing all kids in to the same sort of sausage machine. My nephew hated formal education and ended up dropping out of University, getting in to debt and driving my sister to despair. He began work as a trainee baker. Now at he is the manager for a string of gorgeous artisanal bakeries in the SE.

He needs to get any sort of job, anything at all really. My straight A grade DS worked as a freight loader at an airport for 2 years as he wanted to be 100% sure in his career choice. He is now taking a degree apprenticeship which he absolutely loves, ends up with a degree, earns almost 25k pa already and no student debt. DH and I were very surprised by his choices, we are bookworms extraordinaire but he prefers this learning style and it suits him.

I think that he still might be lying to you Op, the timing of him being chucked out of university now seems odd and addicts lie and lie.

Other posters have given really good advice, I hope that it is useful.

Ds is probably similar age to your Ds.

I don’t understand how he got to university without a GCSE English. How he was even allowed to do A levels without a GCSE English

DS did a level 2 trade course where he was top of his class with a near perfect score on all of his assessments, exams and practical tests.
When he applied for apprenticeships the rulings had changed from the previous year and he couldn’t get a single apprenticeship as you needed the English GCSE grade A-C
He returned to college to go on another course and was only allowed level 1 courses. Couldn’t even get a level 2 course in anything even if it was a purely practical course because of his lack of GCSE English

So I am surprised that your Ds was able to get as far as he did without the grade A-C English.

The D in English stood out for me too. He Daphne's like ds1. He got half way through 2nd year but finally admitting all and dropping out. It's the best thing he ever did!
Nearly two years on, he has a job he enjoys, he's just bought himself his first car, he's currently on holiday with his girlfriend. At uni, he was miserable, stressed, out of his depth and terrified of being caught out. I now feel I have my boy back.
He was diagnosed with dyslexia in the 1st year at Uni by the way.

It's a shame university didn't work out but he has loads of other options, so don't despair. If he can pass the first year (summer retakes?) he can at least earn himself a level 4 certificate in higher education in whatever his subject is. Each completed year of uni earns them a specific qualification. A degree is not the only route. It does sound like he need professional help with his mental health/ possible gaming addiction. Maybe the structure and routine of a job, any job would be the best thing for him now to get back on his feet and think about what he genuinely wants to do.

I think the Universities are complicit in this. They actually gain additional revenue from this situation but take no responsibility for selecting unsuitable students. I think it's a national scandal that young people are saddled with debt from unfinished, unsuitable or worthless qualifications. It's sickening.

The Universities are a fee driven business machine with little or no concern for suitability at outset or welfare of the students. It's bums on seats and students are fee fodder - they take on all the risk and financial ramifications at an age where many don't fully understand the long term effects.

I think it is very difficult for parents in this situation as we are conditioned to think of 18-25 year old as dependent 'children' who we are responsible for. This serves nobody especially not young people starting out in life.

There are many layers to this but ultimately I think the aim of making almost all employment linked to degree status was a cynical money making ploy.

This!