DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

No idea where the Daphne came from 🥴 He sounds like ds1, that should have said.

He needs to sort out the gaming. I'd remove all screens from him, including phone - NOT as a punishment but to help him gain some control over his life. Tell him to hand them over and you'll hide them. Put password protection on all other screens in the home so he can't access them to game.

I'd be sympathetic and calm not angry, because no one responds favourably to anger. But it's possible to be sympathetic and extremely firm. Insist he does an hour's exercise each day. two hours helping around the house and garden each day - not paid, just adult contribution to maintenance of the home, and two hours a day looking for jobs using online access via your screen, in full view of you, at the kitchen table.

While he's looking for a job he can help out in a voluntary capacity locally at a charity shop or food bank or community gardening project etc.

Make sure he understands that none of these are punishments. They are life skills, to enable him to control his self-discipline and how he spends his time.

I'd encourage him to join a face 2 face gaming addiction or therapy group rather than an online one. If there's nothing locally, at least sign him up for a few free NHS therapy sessions and get him to focus on gaming addiction and - most importantly - why he felt he had to pretend all was well to you and couldn't ask for your help when he first needed it. These session scan be in person or by phone if you and/or he feel that limiting screen time in all its forms could help him.

It might also help him to read up on gaming addiction and screen addiction. Take a look on Amazon and try to find an easy to read informative book on how to overcome it.

No one gets through life without making some huge mistakes, especially early on. Tell him this and reassure him that lots of college drop outs go on to be extremely successful (Zuckerberg, Gates etc) but they weren't successful because they dropped out. They were successful because they had passion, vision and drive to create a good life and an income. So he needs to focus his attention on what he'd love to do with his life and how he can support himself.

Seemingly everyone has ADHD these days. Honestly, most of them probably just can't concentrate cos they spend too much time staring at a screen and constant stimulation. Not saying it doesn't exist but it's definitely overused and way over diagnosed these days. On these kinds of posts everyone randomly starts diagnosing all kinds of things. Maybe this boy is just lazy and needs a bloody good dose of reality.

I'll probably get told I'm an idiot but if he's so interested in gaming, why not persue a career in gaming?

This was on the first google search so there might be others.

https://www.prospects.ac.uk/jobs-and-work-experience/job-sectors/information-technology/video-game-careers

He might have no motivation if it's things he isn't interested. And if he can earn money doing something he enjoys, it could be a workable solution.

Not everyone is cutout for the academic world. Not everyone wants to do Uni.

I also think to maybe encourage a calm talk and about your communication with each other.

Yes he needs to grow up and yes he needs to learn to manage.

But it might end up being in a different way that you imagined for him and that's okay as well.

Don't get me wrong I'd be annoyed about the waste of money and the overdraft. But hopefully there is other ways around it.

Is he any good at gaming? There are plenty of associated ways to make money through gaming.

OP it's fantastic that your ds has acknowledged his gaming addiction and recognised that he needs help. From what you've said, this is his key issue at the moment and has been for some time.

Are you and your DH able to use this crisis (as in rapid change) to talk with your ds about how to manage the next few months? How to approach his computer addiction, getting a job, any job to have some structure and purpose and cash, tentative planning for the rest of the year (you mentioned not resitting English, if you meant GCSE, he really does need to do that).

The brightest, liveliest person can be diminished beyond recognition by an addiction but they can and do come out the other side.

Yep, 100%

Seemingly everyone has ADHD these days. Honestly, most of them probably just can't concentrate cos they spend too much time staring at a screen and constant stimulation. Not saying it doesn't exist but it's definitely overused and way over diagnosed these days. On these kinds of posts everyone randomly starts diagnosing all kinds of things. Maybe this boy is just lazy and needs a bloody good dose of reality.

And then everybody says 'screen time' is the only thing that can help their ADHD child. I've seen so many people justify why they need to use an iPad in the car, or take an Xbox camping. Feels like a vicious circle to me.

It isn't over diagnosed.

It's because people have access to a lot more information now so are becoming more self aware. And therefore, equals in more people going for an assessment.

There are more neurodiverse people in this world than people think.

I didn't go get my diagnosis just to get out of being lazy! It was impacting on my life. Statements like yours do not help our cause.

Well as a Graphic Design lecturer I can say with authority that games design is a growth area, it's not something our graduates can naturally do as we focus on print and web, so there are specific vocational courses in game design.

I know one ex student who in his early 30's has a very nice Georgian town house, his and hers BMWs and the little one at private school all paid for from his job as a games designer, he is also an avid gamer, they go hand in glove!

It’s not. It’s the end of the year. He’s basically not invited back next year.

My DS was a bit like this. He fully expected at one point he could sit around and I would fund him. He had to get a job and he was amazed at how hard it was. His mindset completely changed.

Your DS has to get a job. Any job. Do not fund him any longer. He works and pays you something towards his food.

Very similar?! You’re making that judgement off the back of a single post, one single snapshot of someone’s life. Don’t be ridiculous. People study for years to spot the signs of ADHD, to become qualified to do so, and even then, after all that training, they would NEVER suggest ADHD from one single post on an Internet forum. Seriously, if you want to suggest a GP, do that, but throwing labels around is not helpful.

I did a degree in design and graduated from a poly in 86.

We did lots of essays. I went through A levels and art foundation. But 1/2 my course had btechs ( like diplomas). They managed fine with essays and dissertations.

I’d go cold turkey on the gaming. By “limiting” it he will still view it as the highlight of his day/a treat etc. I think it needs removing entirely at least until he’s back on track.

I was essentially this kid. Kicked out second year, never got my degree. I'm earning £50k/ year now I'm 40 if that's any consolation to you- I did get there eventually.

It was laziness but mixed in with some heartbreak and self esteem/ feeling lonely issues for me. My parents let me have a good few months back home before the job pressure and I was grateful for that. I started working admin in an office and worked my way up, honestly experience counts lots more than education for a lot of office work once you can get some and work paid for me to take some professional qualifications further down the line.

I'd say offer lots of bonding and supporting for your kid. Walks and things, while you try to get them mentally there to take the next step.

How upsetting for you. It must be hard putting in a brave face when he had to come home.

He reminds me of my son in a way. Bright at school, only a “last minute” reviser. Very stressful teenage years. Managed to do OK at A levels - but clearly not motivated enough to study at university. So I didn’t encourage him and he didn’t want to go really. Then after his A levels he just laid in bed all day, going out smoking weed at night, and rude to me at home as well. Reader, I kicked him out at 18. He had a small nest egg from an ISA to help him start, eventually found somewhere to live, and a job. Even when I gave him notice to find somewhere he didn’t do it - it’s the passivity mixed with anxiety). He simply left and when straight to a B&B! Stayed at them and hostels for 6 weeks whilst trying to find somewhere to live. Went through his ISA nest egg!

2 years later he’s doing OK. Much to my surprise. He’s worked all that time (junior sales - probably suits his personality). The Job Centre had a jobs fair he attended. To get benefits he will have to try and look for work! He’s still chaotic in his life, doesn’t wash properly even, and impulsive, but manages.

I also suspect ADHD. It does make life harder for him. But he’s managing. I did the right thing thing kicking him out (for me as well as him). Otherwise he might be lying in his room still. He didn’t have a gaming addiction though, I don’t know what to say about that OP, not my area of knowledge. Though I would say he’s a bit addicted to his phone.

So all is not lost is what I’m trying to say. You might have to help him with a push. A supported push (if you suspect ADHD) but a push all the same?

An awful lot of students do get a degree but don’t get a graduate job to show for it. The problem now is not actually what sort of job he will get or the opportunities he has foregone, it is getting him out of his gaming addiction and into real life at all. I would see if you can get help for that but otherwise volunteering at a charity shop or food bank, or anything just to get him off the computer, interacting with real people and routine would be as much a ‘win’ as paid employment at this stage.

For those who suggested dyslexia or adhd in his teens which resulted in a D in English GCSE - not all children can achieve ABC, it doesn’t mean you have dyslexia. And if you are capable of an A then spending all your time gaming and not doing school work is enough to cause you to get a D.

Well, again, I am not diagnosing it. I am suggesting it is something to consider.

I don't believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed by the experts. It is definitely over-diagnosed on Mumsnet! In real life, the fact is that 30 years ago (when I entered teaching) it was under-diagnosed. I don't remember having any student with a formal diagnosis until about 12 years ago.

I do think that the point about screens and ADHD may be in part right though, that it's a vicious circle. And (from a totally non expert but just a teacher who has students with ADHD) there does seem, proportionally, to be more kids with both a passion for gaming, and a diagnosis. When that passion tips over into addiction, there's your vicious circle.

I’d address his gaming addiction. Either therapy or actual group sessions and he needs a part-time job. Bar work, supermarket, factory floor anything. You need him out of the gaming cycle.

When he does get a job, take £100 a month for rent and bills. He needs to know that if he’s not in further education he’s in the real world.

And try not to worry, lots of friends I know dropped out of uni and went on to be very successful.

Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

I'd be raging about that. But it sounds like the writing has been on the wall for a long time. As for the poster who said it doesn't sound like OP likes him very much - why the fuck should she right now? Who would?

Can he access his games on his phone? (I hope you're not paying for that). Maybe getting a job would be good for him, assuming he doesn't get himself sacked in the first week.

It's really not helpful to be diagnosing people because of one post on Mumsnet. That is for their own family to discuss and explore. Everything on Mumsnet is ADHD, Autism or dementia.

He may want a career in gaming/ game design but I don't think now is the time to be looking at that or you'll have more years of him being shut up in his bedroom. Personally I think he needs a job just to get out of the house, money coming in and routine. While he is working he can then think about his future career.

Although I think he should be out there getting his own job he may need an initial kick up the bum and I'd find any job for him and then have an expectation that he pays rent or he doesn't get access to Wi-Fi in the house.

Not just game design though. There are collectives that build Minecraft worlds and sell them/do commissions. There are places in the states that import and pay players to game, I know of a lad that has done three years , no it isn't a long term option but he is having a great time.
It's like YouTube, there are alot of associated careers without needing to become famous.

And autism. Any kind of issue is always medicalised.