DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

Academic here:
he may come across as a lazy CF but the low mark in English and what you’ve described make me wonder if there’s something else there, plus the gaming addiction (addiction is basically craving the hit of dopamine). Sadly, I’ve had students in the recent past with addictions of this type (which are socially accepted and how most young people socialise nowadays….). Investigate also if he has a gambling addiction - 10K of money is a lot, so I would probe (don’t recriminate, volunteer information and assure him it’s to help).

So first I would check with a GP and discuss a ADHD referral and definitely an addiction referral before you do anything else.

secondly, and this is so you keep your options open, should the GP think there’s something wrong with his mental health (and addiction is classed as such!), appeal the university decision. There’s typically a clock on the appeals process. If you demonstrate (medical evidence) that your son was battling an addiction and suffering from mental health issues not diagnosed then you can definitely appeal. Personally, I would do this and once your son wins the appeal then I would interrupt his studies for a year (totally fine to do this and has no negative impact for future cAreer, doesn’t show up on transcript or diploma etc). And focus on his addiction and supporting him during that year, and if he is only doing resits for those 1st year modules then get him to live at home for another year and get him working on those to create a working routine, structure, exercising etc. focus on physical, mental and self-esteem.

This means giving him responsibility around the house, chores, contributing to the bills by him getting a job, something light in terms of mental intensity as addiction is hard and he needs to keep his head above the water. Stacking shelves at the supermarket, working in retail or coffee shop, that sort of thing - these are physically demanding jobs but he should be able to cope. Make him appreciate getting his own money, value what he gets and learning things don’t come free in life. Also keep an eye out for any credit and get him to learn to budget and practice financial responsibility (YouTube is your friend).

I understand that you will be disappointed in him, but I can detect that you’re worried sick for him - as a parent I would too. I also think whatever you do, it’s important that your husband is consistent too.

I just want to reiterate that just because he messed up BIG TIME, this isn’t the end of the world. There’s also other routes that don’t imply a degree like becoming an electrician, for example. But focus on his interests and try to connect with your son through those: if he loves computer games, maybe talking about how he can go into that industry will help him feel motivated.
the important thing now is to support him in getting him out of the hole he’s dug for himself.

When he was asked to redo the 1st year, was that including the classes or just the assessment for the 1st year modules? I would definitely clarify that point.
if he was offered tuition for the modules, then your son would have been charged to attend classes again, but if he was only offered the chance to submit assessment and not be in the classroom attending classes then that’s different and he shouldn’t pay for tuition. I know my institution makes that distinction, your son’s should too.
I also find it odd that your son got an email in May informing him of the decision to retrospectively withdrawing dated back to October, this may be because the university is trying to avoid your son having to pay for that year, but you need to know what exactly he has paid. Because he is over 18, you can only do so by collaborating with him as universities and finance institutions are bound by confidentiality and they won’t disclose that type of information to the parents without your son’s explicit written consent.
Your son could, for example, email the university from his uni account and write that he is giving you consent to access information and asking that you be included (CCed in any email correspondence). It’s very unusual and definitely not the norm, but given the story of addiction it is justifiable. But again, this has to be done by your son and I’m sure the department’s assessment chair and head of department will want to verify this before they include you in the loop.

i totally agree

I thought that would be the case.

OP I knew A Levels were not for me but my parents had expectations so I was sent to the VI form my brother attended.

I wanted to work, if I had been in education I wanted to do an art foundation course. I did not want to do A Levels, I had dyslexia but it wasn't recognised then and I knew I wouldn't cope. I'd had extra tuition for O Levels.

My parents had no idea I wasn't attending, I don't think my dad knows now.

It wasn't until my dad said something to me about, "well you will be going to uni soon..." that I realised they had no idea how miserable I was and that they had no idea I had not filled in the UCCA form (precursor to UCAS). That was in the 1980s when only a minority went to uni, things like nursing were not degree subjects.

There is so much pressure now on young people to go to uni, it isn't talked about as an option.

I would bet he has been feeling overwhelmed and just putting things off.

It likes when people are in debt s they stop opening letters or just bin them.

What's done is done, neither you no he can turn the clock back.

I did eventually go to uni in my 30s and then I have now attended unis I'm currently doing an OU degree in maths.

Be hones, be open.

You are disappointed but please listen to him.

Make a plan together, what is he good at? what does he enjoy?

Is he good with children? Lots of people need childcare over the summer. I'm not thinking toddlers but I think there is a gap where children are too old for play schemes but parents don't want their tween/young teen alone all day.

This is not a disaster, it is the end of one thing and the start of another.

It will be an overpayment but it’s not your problem. We had student finance repeatedly phone the house, I gave them my son’s number and had nothing to do with it. Help doesn’t mean that you have to pay off the overpayment, he has to learn from his mistake/ choices. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way. He’s cocked up, he knows that more than anyone he doesn’t need to know how disappointed you are in him, how will reminding him of that help anyone? You should draw a line under it and find a way to move forward.

Excellent advice

@FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether I would request a meeting with the programme leader to get some clarity on the situation, particularly the financial situation. If he was withdrawn in October, he shouldn't be liable for any fees this academic year. I work in Higher Education and we require written permission to speak to parents from the student. I am always happy to speak to parents when mental health is involved.

ADHD isn't going to be making him repeatedly lie to everyone though is it?

Strong cause and effect between ADHD people dropping all the balls in their lives and then being unable to deal with the possible consequences so lying about it. My old housemate was like this, lied about whether things had been done at work, walking the dog, she lied about losing her keys when we found her climbing through the window (obviously she had lost them). She was so used to being shouted at for being useless that to avoid it she lied and lied.

Sounds like you have a lot to sort out. Sending a hug x

Although I don't do a lot of lying myself as I hate liars, there are articles on lying and adhd. And the reasons why. Everyone is different but there is something there. Try these:

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=adhdcenterforsuccess.com/site/what-is-the-connection-between-adult-adhd-and-lying/&ved=2ahUKEwiUt5OBorP_AhVNXcAKHayDCrQQFnoECC0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw17j8ZyYK9iseNsuziPzjrG

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/&ved=2ahUKEwiUt5OBorP_AhVNXcAKHayDCrQQFnoECCwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2OiF9SxzwQ3Es3qiYDGOEX

Well he has an interview tomorrow and another one on Saturday. Warehouse jobs but he’ll have to suck it up until he finds an apprenticeship of sort. Applied for trainee jobs in various fields. Also applied to the Navy for IT related role.

We’ve signed him up for the gym and he’s been with his Dad and also cycled there and back today. Getting up at 7am and going to bed at 10-11pm which is a complete change around. His PC still boxed up and he hasn’t tried to sneak onto his brother’s PC which I’ve been expecting him to do!

Early days but I’ve made it clear PC is not being set up until he’s been in a job for a month and proved he can function like an adult.

Going to sort out Uni withdrawal date and SF this weekend. Tuition fees definitely paid for all three terms this year so I don’t know what they’ve done.

@FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether
Fantastic set of actions there. Well done you and your son. I'm sure it's exhausting. But this could be the making of him.

Well done, OP. I'm sure everyone is still reeling, but he's finally come out in the open, he hasn't harmed himself or worse, and now you can help him rebuild on an honest basis. This must have been a horrible shock.

Good luck to you and your son and family! It is good to hear that you have worked out a plan which your son is following. Following my bitter experience with universities I know they are attempting to be more understanding so I hope SF and university itself will take on board what has happened to your son and accept to refund the fees and wipe the second year's slate clean... owing to his mental health. Well done for all you have worked out and fingers crossed for that IT related role in the Navy!

Really positive update OP

It sounds like the reality of his situation has hit home and he sounds motivated to change which is the best you can hope for in the situation

This. It's ruining his life. He's not lazy, he's an addict.

What wonderful supportive parents you are.
Well done you are heading in the right step.

All the best with it all.

Good luck with everything. Glad to read this update.

Don't unbox his pc or he'll revert back to his gaming addiction.

This is lovely news thank you for updating. It does seem, and I really do hope, that's it a good outcome and one day you'll be giving advice on mums net to someone else going through a similar thing. Xx

I have adhd and tell the truth because I would never remember what I had said and I talk too much to keep the pretence up

However I became an adept liar with my mother because what ever I said she wouldn’t believe me so I would just tell her what she wanted to hear.

Great update OP

Just as a further update, DS got offered the job he went for yesterday, on the proviso he did a day on the job assessment today. He passed and will start full time next week. He’s very happy as he can clear his overdraft in the next two months and wants to start driving lessons straight afterwards.

Whst a difference a week has made!

This time last week he was waiting apprehensively for his Dad to pick him up from halls in a complete mess after finally coming clean after months of lying and pretending, which he was so stressed about, no job and in debt he had no way of paying back.

Hopefully this will be the making of him and this major fuck up hiccup will be something he can tell as a story to his DC!

Excellent news op. What a relief for you both.

I am so happy for you all that things are moving forward in a positive way.

Doesn't it just go to show with some support from his parents how things can turn out for the better.
You sound like wonderful parents and you should be proud of your son for trying his best to sort his mess out.

Well done to you all.