Wanting grandchildren

[Revoltingrhyme]

Saw a post before, just a silly meme about parents wanting grandkids and people getting cats instead and a woman had commented ‘I want a human grandchild’ and it made me fall down a rabbit hole of thoughts.

What actually is the appeal of actively wanting grandchildren? Is it that you get the bond with a child without any of the parenting responsibilities? Or seeing your kids continue the family tree?

but also is it not somewhat rude to want somebody else to reproduce for your own enjoyment when you already had your opportunity raising a child? Genuinely just curious about this.

I'm 50 and don't feel the urge to be a grandmother. To be honest, I don't want grandkids at all.

Then again, I never felt the urge to have children, but felt pressured into having them. Even then Ithought I'd have just one, but had twins!

I'm not really maternal, I never thought I'd have children, and although I love my kids, I don't want grandchildren, because now that my children are older teens, I don't want to look after anybody else, other than my elderly mother.

Absolute nonsense. Maybe some people feel like this but certainly not everyone or even the majority. My MIL absolutely adores my children. I'd go so far as to say they're the most important things in her life. And yes she does have a grandchild from her daughter too!
And my parents love my brother's children as much as mine, without a doubt.

Haven't RTFT but I see you don't have children. Mine are still babies but I totally imagine that when I'm lamenting their growing up I'll also be imagining the next newborn I get to hold will bring it all back. I adore having little people in my life. The feeling of my baby on my chest is incredibly special to me and hoping one day when mine are too big to want to hold my hand or sit on my knee it won't be that long before I'll have grandchildren to treasure. I won't pressure mine into giving me that experience though.

I think it's why grandparents and great grandparents often cry when they meet their grandchildren and hold them. It just floods one with memories of doing it with your own babies all those years ago.

My mother loves my brother's children more than mine. They are teenagers now and it's payback time, they now show little interest in her but adore my lovely MIL who loves all her grandchildren equally.

Exactly! Both my elder dds have jobs that help people. During covid dd2 worked on the ventilator project and dd1 worked on a&e. Dd2 now has a ds and dd1 is hoping to have dc in the future but atm she is working as a gynaecologist helping to save women and babies lives.

I have absolutely no interest in being a grandparent.
Of course I would make an effort if my DC do reproduce, but I sincerely hope they don’t.

That sums it up perfectly!

How nice to see a positive MIL post for once. You both sound lovely. ☺️

I decided I didn’t want children when I was about 15. I told my mum that I wouldn’t be having any and she said, ‘good, it’s shit’.

I’m now 33 and neither of us have wavered from our respective viewpoints. My FIL once asked DH when we would ‘give him a grandchild’. I repeat, he asked that once…

I might find this very understandable if you were, say, a Holocaust survivor who’d lost all their family and was concerned with survival and creating new life, continuity, continuing Jewish tradition. Otherwise it sounds quite odd.

I mean, I had a child because I thought I’d enjoy parenthood. In fact, none of my siblings have children, so DS is the last of our line. But I certainly feel it’s his choice whether to have a child, and there should be no pressure to ‘make up for’ my ‘sacrifice’.

Late maternal GM definitely preferred the children of DM's youngest brother to us. She had their pictures in her room, whinged constantly that they wouldn't be with us at Christmas (they were in Oz) so it wouldn't be a real Christmas, and wouldn't shut up about their deeds and accomplishments.

I can only assume you had a rough time in childhood to make this decision as a teen who theoretically had their whole life ahead, and with a mother who replied in that way! Parenting with additional needs can be difficult but that's a horrible thing to say.

A friend of mine already has 4gc and has 4 dc. Her youngest ds is in his early 20s and has recently told her that he wants to marry outside of his culture ( sikh). She is worried that there are enough Sikhs in the area and their culture will die.
My only sibling has no children so if mine didn't it would be the end of our little line which would be a little sad but absolutely no pressure on my dc. In fact dm has told me if she was young now she wouldn't have children ( thanks mum). I do have one gc though.

I know lots of parents of adult children who will not be making them a grandparent. A pity really. Im not sure how they feel about it. But hey ho, its out of their control.

I've known since I was a child myself that I did not want children, and now that I'm nearing the age where my own children, if I had any, would be getting on towards having children of their own, I'm eternally thankful I never wavered in my determination not to be a parent.

Of course, there is no guarantee my children would actually want me involved with my grandchildren in the first place, but in my experience I've found that people who do have children tend to work from the default position of assuming you are interested and do want to participate, and can't comprehend that you aren't interested in "cuddles" and whatever. It's taken years of gently trying to explain to my sibling that I have no interest in their children and no wish at all to have any interaction with them for the message to finally sink in. The thought of being saddled with grandkids when all I want to do is enjoy the freedom and peace and quiet of my impending retirement is horrifying.

I don't think people who do enjoy children, and those who do not can really ever fully understand each other, but I know that for me the thought of grandchildren is as unappealing as the thought of having children of my own has always been. Hard pass. No thank you. Fortunately it always was entirely within my own gift to ensure it was never a possibility.

Do you think sometimes you need to look at yourself as one of the the factors your children are put off parenthood? Was parenthood a struggle for you and they saw alot of negative aspects to it? Did you speak of parenthood in a negative light?

It is a subject close to my heart. I know alot of grandchildless parents. I often wonder how they feel.

My DP is a grandad and says it's the most amazing thing ever! I asked him if he felt like that when his kids were born, and he said no! A female friend also said she felt the same way about her grandkids.

I have adult children, but young adults, so hopefully not thinking about having children for a while yet. My oldest is 24 and says he doesn't want kids. No idea if the others will, it's nothing to do with me. Obviously I'd love any grandchildren that came along, but it's not something I desperately want.

I'd much rather get a kitten atm 😂

I'm a Granny, I never expressed any wish for grandchildren and it wouldn't have bothered me had my dc not had children. Dgs is lovely, I love seeing the joy he brings to dd and I love seeing his interactions with the rest of the family and I enjoy spotting his quirks that he shares with my dc when they were small. I am glad we have him but I still don't think I would have felt my life would have been missing something if we didn't.

Me too, even couples who've had 3 or 4 children themselves. Of course people have a real choice nowadays as there is not the societal pressure there used to be - get married, have kids etc - and there is a whole world to explore, not just the neighbourhood.
Also when I was young my parents really just let us bring ourselves up - I wasn't neglected but certainly didn't feel the centre of the universe and had to slot it. Nowadays it is a lot more stressful for parents.
My eldest dd is expecting her first and dd2 already has a ds but both have said 2 is their limit (I have 4 dc). Ds is ND so I can't imagine him having kids and dd3 is 15 and doesn't want any.

My mother went really funny and snappy with me when she thought I wasn't ttc after I got married. The truth is that nothing was happening and we decided to take a break from trying as it was too stressful. One day I opened up a bit and said something like 'doesn't look like babies are in my immediate future'. Her face twisted into pure anger and she snapped 'certainly not if you're preventing it!' I didn't explain my situation as I was shell-shocked. She went to bed for the rest of the day. Her best friend's daughter was pregnant and we weren't allowed to tell her as 'it would upset her too much'. After I did manage to have a baby, she said 'me and your dad don't mind if you decide not to have any more children, as long as you had one'.

It took me a long time to realise that she thought she owned me and I've since had to carve out my own personhood and individuate from her, which was a very painful process.

I will never ever expect my children to live any kind of life to keep me happy. Every person is born with a birth right to live their own life and follow their own dreams. I can't imagine trespassing all over someone else's inherent right to live the life they want, no matter how I felt about it inside.

I don’t see how you can call it ‘rude’ - that word so often seems to be misapplied on MN.

In some people it’s a sort of visceral longing and as long as they don’t bang on about it to childless adult dcs, making them feel guilty/profoundly irritated, or very upset, if they’ve been unsuccessfully TTC, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Personally as a Gp of 3 now, I would have been extremely upset for a dd who wanted children but was unable to have them, but I was never anything like ‘dying’ for Gdcs, though was very happy when they did arrive.

My kids are teens and I'm looking forward to having grandchildren in say 10-15 years time. No problem if they decide not have kids - it's completely their choice - but if they do then I would love to be a hands on grandma.

If my children want to have children then I hope they do, for their sake. I'm sure I'd adore any grandchildren I have and would love to be involved. However, I genuinely don't think I'd mind if they don't want children. I had very strong maternal urges to have my own children but now they're here I've scratched that itch!
My MIL just loves children and I was her only chance to be a grandma. She really wanted three grandchildren. I had two children, a girl and a boy, and she was devastated not to get the third grandchild. I actually think she became depressed about it. This is something I don't understand - to have such fixed ideas and desires that you can't appreciate what you have.

Surely people wanting grandkids is absolutely normal? For all the normal reasons? My DS is still a teenager but I'd love it if he had kids in the future, I'd enjoy being a granny so much.

Only on MN could this be perceived as weird.