Wanting grandchildren

[Revoltingrhyme]

Saw a post before, just a silly meme about parents wanting grandkids and people getting cats instead and a woman had commented ‘I want a human grandchild’ and it made me fall down a rabbit hole of thoughts.

What actually is the appeal of actively wanting grandchildren? Is it that you get the bond with a child without any of the parenting responsibilities? Or seeing your kids continue the family tree?

but also is it not somewhat rude to want somebody else to reproduce for your own enjoyment when you already had your opportunity raising a child? Genuinely just curious about this.

That's awful. I'm an only child. who never wanted children of my own. I don't think my Mum was bothered, but I know Dad would have loved grandchildren - but he never once said that to me. No-one should be "devastated" that their child hasn't produced grandchildren.

I think it is pretty normal like the parental drive. You watch people you love (your children) become parents themselves and you get to love (hopefully) these new close members of your family. And furbabies (I hate that term) are not the same as human babies. I adore my pets but my love for them is nothing like that for my DC.

It's not something I crave, but as both DC have said they don't plan on having children, it's not something I will experience either (probably)!

No-one should put pressure on someone else to have children though.

It’s funny people wanting grandchildren for the joy wi

FFS posted too soon!

…for the joy without the stress, exhaustion, money worries, etc. Basically “I want my children to have stress, exhaustion and money worries so I can have cuddles”. If my DC have kids at the age I did, I’ll be too old to help them, and already feel bad about this hypothetical future because the small kids years are HARD, more so when there’s zero family support.

I think there is an optimum time to have grandchildren, when you’re young enough to enjoy them and be able to offer active and practical support. I’m getting beyond that age so not having them wouldn’t be a great loss to me.

Totally agree. This is a weird thread!

I’m late 40s and two of my children are in their 20s and I must admit I would quite like to have some grandchildren one day. My children most certainly aren’t ready to have a family just yet but I think I’m ready for grandchildren. I obviously wouldn’t tell my children this as it’s not something I can ever control.

I have just lost my own mum who absolutely loved being a grandparent so that could be influencing how I feel too.

I love the idea of seeing our family continue on and when I was growing up I loved having lots of cousins and going to my grandparents house where we had Xmas and family get togethers. I think part of me would like to replicate that.

Having grandchildren ( 1 aged 15 months. Another on the way) is the most fabulously brilliant thing in the world. My DILs are lovely young women with their own lives. I absolutely never interfere. One son and DIL met at 6th form and wanted a family for years. Other DIL is doing a PhD and then wants a family. I have never got involved in whether there would be babies / careers/ anything else. We live 10 minutes away from one set and 20 minutes away from the other. Grandson comes all day one day a week. I adore him. I took early retirement so am a youngish granny. It's just utterly brilliant to me. Others are allowed to feel differently.

I would love grandchildren but I will be happy if my DDs don't have children if that is their choice. It is not something i would ever discuss with them unless they brought it up in conversation.

@Revoltingrhyme of course no one should be actively asking their children ‘when are you going to have children/make me a grandparent?’

But it is such a fantastic bond between your own parents and your child. I was extremely close to my maternal grandmother growing up, she provided childcare for my cousins and I from 1-4 years and would get us after school, come on holiday with us the most amazing kind and caring woman. When she died from cancer I was bereft at 10 years old, it was like my second mother had died. My paternal grandmother lived further away but we would regularly cook and garden together and this was a lovely past time to enjoy.

My mum does the same for my children 2 days a week and looks after my cousins children occasionally. My dad adores my sons and has a terminal life-limiting illness. They are the light of his life and he says they make life worth living. I have seen a positive change in my dad’s mental health since my youngest was born.

My parents relish in being grandparents, even when I’ve had enough of the screaming and tears, they’re happy to take over or calm the children down. I couldn’t ask for better parents and I’m so lucky that my children have fantastic grandparents.

My mum’s best friend recently said she would love grandchildren but her daughters aren’t interested (they are the mid thirties, same age as me) So she looks after my son for one day instead of nursery. I do pay her as obviously I am using her time and resources but she was happy to take him without payment.

It’s a shame that some people can’t see the appeal but I imagine it is due to the structure in families where maybe grandparents haven’t been supportive or there are damaged relationships. My partner’s parents are dead and I feel sad that they never got to meet my sons and that my sons never got to know them.

My PILs were 35 and 40 when they had DH (their youngest). DH and I were similar ages when we had our DC, I was pregnant with our youngest at FILs 80th birthday. We live a few hundred miles away so practical support has always been limited and would have been however old they'd been. However, they always have had regular facetime with the DC and now MIL is widowed she comes and stays with us for several weeks at a time. She's in her late 80s and is beginning to get dementia but she has a lovely relationship with the kids and they all adore her. It's a very important relationship to them all and her frailty doesn't affect that. My Mum is 10 years younger and still fit and able but the kid's relationship with MIL is closer.

I don’t think it’s rude to want grandkids - I already know I want them and my DC are both under 3!

Of course the bottom line is it’ll be up to my kids whether I actually get to have grandchildren and I’m not going to put pressure on them but secretly I’d be a bit sad if I didn’t get grandchildren.

Couldn’t care less about “continuing the family line” but children are absolutely wonderful. Being a parent is really hard, not everyone wants to do it and that’s totally fine (sometimes I wonder if I would have been happier if I hadn’t done it!) but I love having kids in my life. Having kids I can love and spend time with but who I’m not primarily responsible for sounds amazing!

I agree it would be rude to be unpleasant to my children about their decision not to have kids if that’s what they decide but it’s not rude to want them.

I am absolutely torn on this one because on the one hand, I do not want my daughters to go through pregnancy and childbirth and all the life limiting connotations that come with it because there are some really quite shit parts of parenting. On the other hand, I’m 99% sure at least three of them will do it so I’m looking forward to supporting them the best I can and insuring that their experiences more fulfilling and less stressful than mine was.

It worries me enormously though because my brothers have children and I’ve gotta be honest I’ve got absolutely no emotional attachment to them whatsoever like if I saw them standing on a cliff edge I’d pull them back but I do that for any kid, I absolutely would not risk my life for their children in the same way, I would mine.

I wouldn't pressure any of my dc to have children as though I adored my 4 having them has caused difficulties such as financial, emotional, physical. I would have been sad not to have any but as long as my dc were happy and fulfilled then that would have been enough. I do now have a 14 month old gs who is gorgeous. Bring a grandma is very different from being a mum - all the fun, none of the responsibility!

I loved having lots of cousins growing up and big parties at my grandparents. Unfortunately my only sibling has no children and my dh's only sibling has 2 but they live 2000 miles away so my 4 dc haven't experienced that joy. I feel very lucky to have one gc (I am 57) but I'd never put pressure on my dc as they have to want to have children as they would have all the responsibility and cost.

Totally agree. I loved having my dc and I had a desire for gc but it is/was absolutely my dc's decision. My elder two dds are both in their very early 30s and have been married for a few years. Dd2 always said she didn't want any dc which was up to her and her dh. They changed their minds and I now have a gorgeous gs. Dd1 has always wanted dc but keeps putting it off. She is a gynaecologist (registrar) and I think it doesn't help what she sees at work!
My other two are still in education ( youngest is 15) but I can't imagine them giving me any gc but it'll be great if they do.

Wow some responses on this thread have been quite validating for me! My MIL was absolutely desperate for grandchildren for years (despite having her own kids still at home), she put lots of pressure on and it became a real point of contention. Now we do have a child it has (as expected) been quite difficult - her expectation seemed to be that once I'd given birth and finally given her what she wanted, my work was done and she could take over, baby could go live with her etc. The nagging for a second began while I was still bleeding. I don't feel she's particularly happy for us or enjoying seeing us experience parenthood. My relationship with my own grandparents was nice enough but a bit distant, so this has been a bit of a shock for me and caused a lot of anxiety, especially as I've lost my own Mom. I do doubt myself a lot and question whether I'm being unreasonable as I now find it hard not to hold her at arms length, it was so overwhelming in those early months. But I couldn't understand the desperation, and it's made me acutely aware of not wanting to make my own kid or their partner feel this way if they decide to have a family.

Thank you!

I think we can agree that pushing and pestering about having children is definitely not acceptable! I think it's absolutely fine to privately hope for grandchildren but nobody has a right to expect them, and no woman (or man!) should ever feel under pressure to reproduce!

Haha, yes, fair point.

I guess I have been fortunate in that I haven't really experienced parenthood as being a hard slog or anything particularly stressful...quite the contrary, actually, it has been a real source of joy for me at every stage of the journey. Yes, I had a somewhat traumatic birth and the first couple of years were exhausting as dd was a terrible sleeper, but even then, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I'm sure I would feel differently about dd having kids if I hadn't had such a positive experience myself. I suspect that dd might feel differently about the prospect of being a parent too in that scenario... she knows that I have always loved being a mum, and I'm sure that contributes to her current thinking that she would like this for herself one day as well.

I wasn’t fussed about grandchildren.

then my best friend became a granny at 52 to a beautiful boy. I’m such a big part of his life and i love him so much.

now i want to become a granny!

I love being a grandparent. It helps that dh and I are only mid 50's and our dc had them relatively young in their mid 20's. We are young enough to help during any stress and get to do the fun stuff while we're fit and able. Also we're early retired so don't feel exhausted after having dgc. Complete surprise so no pressure from us.

I have 4 grandsons and I absolutely love it. So different from having your own kids. My late SIL was desperate for grandchildren which sadly didn’t happen but she certainly didn’t badger her children(not to my knowledge anyway)
I don’t think my son will ever have any which is fine too, he has an amazing life seeing the world and having adventures

For the first 5yrs of our marriage the MIL constantly referred to our (by choice) childfree status. Comments like 'when will hear the patter of tiny feet' 'it'd be lovely if child of B/SIL had someone to play with' (despite the fact that we lived nearly 200miles away) She finally accepted it wasn't going to happen. She even roped her sister (DH's aunt) into the mix by getting her to say that 'X (dh) would make a lovely dad' I know he wouldn't!!

I'd like grandchildren in the future. If my child produced a cat or dog and said that was my grandchild I'd think what the actual fuck. Their choice obviously though.