Wanting grandchildren

[Revoltingrhyme]

Saw a post before, just a silly meme about parents wanting grandkids and people getting cats instead and a woman had commented ‘I want a human grandchild’ and it made me fall down a rabbit hole of thoughts.

What actually is the appeal of actively wanting grandchildren? Is it that you get the bond with a child without any of the parenting responsibilities? Or seeing your kids continue the family tree?

but also is it not somewhat rude to want somebody else to reproduce for your own enjoyment when you already had your opportunity raising a child? Genuinely just curious about this.

@MaudGonneOutForChips
First of all, I love your username.

Secondly, this is my feeling based on my own lived experience. But that does not mean you or anyone else has to feel the same way that I do.
Yes children are a blessing. The circumstances or other aspects of life may not be, but life itself is a blessing. In the same way that growing to be old is a blessing. One would hope with raising your children in a safe, loving, nurturing environment that yes they will be capable of being loving parents themselves one day if they so desire and if they are fortunate enough to be able to have a family of their own.
It is their choice of course, and would be entirely unacceptable to pressure them either way, but any child who may come along is a blessing in themselves. There will always be negative things in this world, children themselves are not.

@ShippingNews you made me smile reading your reply. The warmth and contentment in your words is beautiful.
Congratulations on your granddaughter, hope mum and dad enjoy their night too.

This.
Yes it seems like social media is full of people pushing against nature and insisting it's everyone else who must be weird for wanting something very natural.
It's a strange world.

Nature is complex, it doesn’t just have ‘one way’. As it is natural to want children, it is also natural to not want them (and makes good evolutionary sense tbf).

I don’t think life is inherently a blessing, life just is. What value this has is in the eye of the beholder. Similarly, what makes life rich and worthwhile is very individual. One man’s gift is another’s burden and all that.

My DH and I are lucky in that neither set of parents expects us to have children, just to live the lives we want to.

People aren’t pushing against nature, they’re pushing against having their lives prescribed to them, and the burden of expectation.

There’s a difference between wanting something, and expecting someone else to provide it for you regardless of their own wishes.

I do t think it's this at all. My parents dont play at "babies" what a weird thing to say.

They enjoy the fun and innocence that comes with children. Children are a nice aspect of life that's why 🤷

I was sitting on the beach a couple of days ago (Cornwall) watching young children playing on the beach, remembering how mine used to do the same, and thinking how lovely it would be to have grandchildren to make sandcastles for etc.

I had my own children quite late so even though I am a perfectly good age to have grandchildren (early 60s) I'm not expecting to have any for at least five years.

I don't want my children to reproduce for my benefit though. I know they both hope to be mothers one day and I hope they will be. I look
forward to seeing them in that role as they move on to the next stage of their lives, just as I loved seeing them develop from babies/toddlers/young children/teenagers/students and now young adults.

If you've had a child, you know the wonder at birth, that you grew a whole new person inside you. By the time your baby has reached adulthood you've realised that they are completely their own person, but also you see in them in their looks, temperament, character, flashes of yourself, their father,their grandparents, other family members. In one of my sons , I see uncanny glimpses of my FILs temperament, and the skillset of my maternal grandmother. People who never met, both dead long before he was born, live on in him.

When your baby makes a new baby, it's even more magical. In that new generation there are the previous generations from a widening pool. What characteristics have skipped another generation? A grandchild is like a time traveller knitting together the past and the future.

Most parents feel their responsibility and protection so intensely they spend two decades being far too anxious and worried (see this all the time on MN).

Grandparents have BTDTGTTS and can just enjoy the ride Look no hands! Wheeeeee! All the fun of the fair.

You've described it perfectly.

I think it's normal to look forward to that as long as not pushing tho. What I don't like is how my MIL seems to think I had kids to give her something to do in retirement. Errrr, no they won't be going to you for half term, I don't see them nearly as much as I want to so I'll be savouring every moment I can thanks. It's always "oh we're retired we don't have anything to do". Not my problem

This. I bloody can't wait!🤣🤣

I think it would be nice to have grandchildren one day if my children were in the position to have them and wanted them. If it ever happens l will probably be well into my sixties, so an older grandmother. However, while l loved having my own three children, I am also enjoying the time where it is just my husband and myself as they have all flown the nest. I think we all have to accept our lives as they are rather than wishing our lives away by constantly yearning for something that may or may not happen.

Being a grandma is totally different to being a mum. Our 4 adore there grandparents and love to go overnights or weekends etc. My parents say they love spending time with the little ones and then they can hand them back lol

I had a fabulous relationship with my paternal grandma - and, mainly because of geography, have watched my own DC have a similar one with theirs - my MIL never favoured her dd's children over her ds's. She has been a fabulous grandma to all of them. They happily now, as young adults, take her out and about, go for meals and the cinema and drop in to see her in the retirement home where she now lives.

It's a lovely relationship to watch.

MIL says it’s as rewarding as having children, but with much less of the stresses, difficult decisions and worries.

She’s the kind of grandmother I’d hope to be if I ever am - heavily involved, but in a non-interfering way. She has two of mine away for the weekend at her sister’s caravan. They’ll come back having stayed up later than I’d have let them, treated more than I’d have done, and absolutely having had a ball in a wonderfully loving and safe way. It’s just brilliant.
if I can be half as good a MIL I’ll be happy (and I imagine so will my kids and kids in law)

I have 3 grown sons. I'm currently at oldest sons house watching my 5 year old grandson. I watch him every Saturday and it's such a joy. It's impossible to explain the love and bond between us. You have to experience it yourself I guess. I know this will be my oldest sons only child and I will admit it makes me sad knowing this but I don't tell him that. My youngest son is almost 20 and says he will never have kids. Middle son would like marriage & kids but is not in a relationship at the moment. I do get pangs of jealousy when friends of mine are having multiple grandkids. I would LOVE to have a whole bunch of them. I can't really explain why though other then to say it's such an amazing relationship to have, Grammy & Grandchild

To be honest I was never very maternal before my DS and I didn’t want and haven’t had more children - if my son has children when he’s older I’m sure I will love and cherish them like my parents have my son however if he doesn’t then again it won’t bother me

Same! Never wanted children and the thought of wanting some other woman to have them so I can play grandma is creepy.

Wait….. you expect to feel differently about your daughters’ children than the grandchildren you already have because they are from your son? How incredibly sad.

I had step children before I had children and then had a late baby once my first two were older. By the time he went off to school the dsc were producing dsgc. I am very close to dsd’s little boy (my grandson in every way) but I would be happy enough if my dc decided not to bother. I’m babied out!

I don't see why there is anything "rude" about hoping to be a grandparent. I would love to have a grandchild one day, and I see no reason why it's wrong to feel this, as long as I keep my feelings private and don't express them to my dd.

As for why I would like to have a grandchild one day, I guess there are two main reasons. One, I love my dd more than anyone else in the world, and I would love her to one day experience the joy that I have experienced from being a parent...if she wants to, obviously, which she is currently very clear that she does. Secondly, I have seen the immense pleasure and purpose that my own parents have gained from their relationship with their grandchildren in this stage of their lives, and I suppose that I would love to have some of that for myself!

Naturally, I keep my thoughts on this to myself and I will respect dd's choices whatever she decides to do in the future. And of course, I recognise that there's always the possibility that she might not even get to choose. Or that I might not survive for long enough to find out! But do I hope that some day I'll have the opportunity to be a grandma? Yes, absolutely.

Same! Never wanted children and the thought of wanting some other woman to have them so I can play grandma is creepy.

Describing the desire to be a grandparent as creepy is strange to say the least

My mother told me once that she was surprised at just how much she loves her granddaughters. I think it can be an incredibly special and meaningful relationship for both child and adult - completely different to parenting - and I hope it get to experience it one day.

Lol. To me, my dd is not just "some other woman"!

It's totally understandable that you don't get the desire for grandchildren if you haven't ever wanted children of your own. Fair enough. I wouldn't expect you to get it, but there is certainly nothing creepy about it.

I love my dd and I have lots of hopes for her future. For example, I love travelling and have been lucky enough to have travelled a lot & lived in multiple countries etc. I hope that she will have similar opportunities one day too, if that's what she wants. I have been fortunate enough, also, to have a very rewarding career, and I hope that dd will have a career that she loves one day, too, assuming she wants it. And I have been blessed with a very good relationship and some fabulous friends - I hope that these things might be in dd's future too. I hope that she will have the opportunity to try lots of cool things, I hope that she will feel like she is part of a community, I hope that she will remain in good health etc.

And yes, I hope that, one day, she will have a child/children of her own. For me, being a mum has been an immensely rewarding experience - it is by far and away the best thing that I have ever done. Why on earth would I not want that experience for my dd? Of course, I don't just want her to reproduce for my benefit, that would be absurd. But I absolutely want her to experience it for her own sake, while 100% respecting the fact that it's totally her choice to decide whether that's what she wants for herself.

Fair point about my phrasing! I guess I’m thinking of the women who push and question and do the “when are you going to give me grandchildren” stuff - eugh.

Love your username btw.

My poor grandparents.

They kept me every summer for eleven looong years because my family worked and they were the logical babysitters (I guess).

I never asked if my parents paid them or if they wanted to keep me. They loved me and were very good to me. I had the advantage of learning from a generation that raised my mum.

And I don’t think anyone asked them if they wanted to raise another kid when they were in their 60s-70s. But they did it anyway.