Really organised, calm families, how do they do it?

[Suncreamweather]

Feel our family life is chaotic & we're constantly on edge.. Envy the calm, really organised families who have organised homes, well behaved kids & are not outwardly stressed. How can I achieve this before the summer holidays so we can all enjoy ourselves..

And patently untrue. Some of the most politically-argumentative and sports-focused families I know are the most regimented. Which isn’t surprising. If you have an elite swimmer who’s in the pool everyday at 5 am, and training again in the evening, then you’re locked into a cast-iron routine. Either strong opinions or hobby/sport passions certainly don’t make either type interesting in and of themselves.

I don't think organised families are vanilla (being organised myself 😁) but I do think some 'calm' families can be. Calm can be an absence of passion or even interest. Nice but dim.

And some chaotic families are chaotic because of a lack of intelligence. Dim and not even that nice either.

Quite…

And some calm families are chaotic. Organised and calm are not synonyms. Being organised is good and can help thing go more smoothly but does not always result in calm. A house with multiple children, even if the family is all NT and very organised, is not always calm.

Being on the calm side of the family spectrum and mostly disorganised I would like to say that my family is anything but dim! Two of my children are Cambridge graduates, number 3 was rejected after interview (covid era) but came top in his year at a red brick uni and was financially awarded. The last one is still at school but I'm pretty sure no one would use that word to describe her .

The calm families I know tend to be a little chaotic but chilled about it & go with the flow. The highly organised ones can be a bit rigid & militant.

Our house is calm however I wouldn't describe us a calm family. We have loads on, all the time. But my husband and I work well together as a team to ensure that our home is a calm space to come home to after whatever chaotic day we've had. Having such a busy life means we have to be organised.

I don't think those with a well organised and calm household and necessary vanilla people. Quite often the opposite.

@Manthide I didn't say all calm families were vanilla, just that some can be. Just as @hyggeb said some highly organised families can be rigid (sure we all know people like that).

I have come back to this thread. I am
Uber organised and it comes naturally to me. But if OP could be more specific and detail say 3 things that she really struggles with, then maybe we could offer more pertinent solutions?

We are this id say, I'm very calm myself and my children reflect this. I rarely shout. We left a dangerous, abusive relationship (their dad) so it could have been much worse. I think it comes from the parenting style.

Calm is being able to regulate your emotions, leaves so much space for other stuff in your life. I have been staying with SIL and DB this half term, because there is no system, no routine you have to basically start from scratch every time eg: battle over bedtimes, getting dressed, having a bath, all interspersed with trying to find the right equipment, omg exhausting and obviously things take longer thereby making you late. At home everybody knows where their stuff is and what time things happen. Allowing us to be calm and on time but also do more stuff ( including earning more money).

Sorry should have specified more stuff is more interests, clubs for the DCs, regular exercise for the parents.

I don't know so avidly reading.

But one thing I have started doing this week is I am consciously turning all screens off for longer. And doing what actually needs doing- laundry; food prep; tidying; helping kids with homework and life admin.

It's freed up so much time.

Which reminds me that I need to get off MN. :) i am about to prep dinner and do the ironing for thr week ahead.

I don't assume that is how they are just because I may think it looks that way first off

Calm is being able to regulate your emotions, leaves so much space for other stuff in your life. I have been staying with SIL and DB this half term, because there is no system, no routine you have to basically start from scratch every time eg: battle over bedtimes, getting dressed, having a bath, all interspersed with trying to find the right equipment, omg exhausting and obviously things take longer thereby making you late. At home everybody knows where their stuff is and what time things happen. Allowing us to be calm and on time but also do more stuff ( including earning more money).

I don't really understand how getting dressed & running a bath can be so time consuming even if you don't do it as a structured time that it would impact on earning more money? What equipment do they need? Do they not put clothes in drawers/wardrobes. If they are very young I can see how bedtime might be a pain if it's long. However I still don't understand how this would impact on making more money?

Sorry should have specified more stuff is more interests, clubs for the DCs, regular exercise for the parents.

My dc do loads of clubs, I don't really see whether i'm super organised or not makes much difference to that. Many are before & after school for one.

you never really know what’s going on, especially when you’re just seeing snapshots of life.

Calm and organised can be really lovely but both can also be awful depending on what’s really happening that looks (at the visible tip of the iceberg) to be calm and organised.

My STBXH builds his self imagine around a view of himself as quiet, calm, organised, and better than me in every way. But, just because he’s quiet or calm, it doesn’t mean he is not being incredibly nasty and difficult.

He prides himself on being so tidy and organised. And being a wonderful, organised parent to his older kids anyway. But that’s partly because he doesn’t live with any of his kids and can opt in and out of parenting if it suits him. Then there’s the obvious fact that his older children clearly know that they have to match his opinions in all things. For example, he’s always banging on about Manchester as the most amazing city in the world and infinitely better than the city we live in. His kids, who’ve never been to Manchester, repeat this all the time, pleasing their father by saying how this whole region is terrible and backwards and that [insert colloquial name for people from this city] are all thick and useless.

With our child, he does absolutely nothing and is in no way organised. He announces at the last minute that he wants to see DS and then goes many days with no contact. He is seeking to control me by never making plans or committing to everything, and particularly likes to play the victim of evil Incoming who is busy preventing him from contact with his son if I dare to not just sit in the house awaiting his decision that he fancies a bit of playing daddy. Poor DS is 2 and very unsettled by this - he’s well attached to me (I am his stability!) but clearly feels his father is not reliable. STBXH is furious that DS is very affectionate with me and wants me if he’s upset. But STBXH is not affectionate at all - he occasionally forces himself to hug his older children (and has told me he doesn’t naturally want to do that).

But, apparently, I’m the problem for not having a tidy house and not always being calm and serene. STBXH is just a superior human in every way. 🙄 And toddler DS is a problem for being… loud and well toddlery. Even more so when he’s tantrummy and difficult with the father he knows is unreliable. That’s my fault too. I’ve failed to parent DS such that he is a quiet and orderly 2 year old who just does what he’s told and never makes a fuss.

But his life looks ‘calm’ and ‘organised’ as he presents it to the rest of the world. Even when he’s out with his older kids - just doing the nice and easy bits: days out, meals out, treats - it’s ‘calm’ and ‘organised’ because they know their father’s ‘love’ (or what passes for it) depends on their compliance.

So… yeah… calm and organised might be a sign of great things. But it might not be. And you cannot tell from the outside.

I actually didn't interpret @WimpoleHat like she was being negative or superior. Some parents and children just live quieter lives, have common interests and no terribly strong personalities. It naturally leads to a calmer life. All the organisation skills in the world can't make for different personalities for your children. I actually really envy families like the one she describes, mine are all quirks and opinions and neurodivergent and its exhausting. Also if they have specialised hobbies you simply can't do the same daily routine. my DS has a time consuming interest that dominates our entire lives, I have to roll with it and support him but I'd be a happier calmer person if he were go give up

I didn’t read it as smug either. It felt like a comment on a particular family rather than anything else. Most families are contending with various passions and strong opinions and trying to juggle many things. So it is relatively unusual when you come across a combination of personalities in a family that means there’s little conflict (of schedules, interests, opinions) to have to navigate calmly.

And, of course, some people are better equipped to navigate the tensions and conflicts of family life more effectively. Or just better matched in personality to their child(ren) than others.

Mostly, though, you don’t see everything. You might think completely different things if you see me with DS when he’s adorable and compliant and polite than if you see me carrying him, kicking and screaming home from the park.

Or, as was my experience yesterday, saw me just chasing him around having to shout his name after him and ‘stop’ as he kept insisting on running, full speed (he’s bloody fast for one so short) in the direction of every blood danger he could find. He doesn’t always do that - mostly doesn’t these days - but yesterday was not a great example of either toddler behaviour or parental calm. The two are related. And, behind the scenes, no one could see the bullshit STBXH was pulling while I was in the park trying to give our toddler a nice Saturday in the sunshine.

I think a calm home environment is important to kids. Obviously they need to be comfortable to be loud, make mess, be kids but I think ultimately having a calm routine, boundaries, consistency and environment where they can relax after school/activities is important. We try and maintain that by not shouting, keep a relatively calm home, eat together and chat around the table. Give them space to do what they want at home and have downtime.

No clothes not put in wardrobes or drawers, still in a big clean laundry basket. So say DC wake at 8, in DB's house DC eat breakfast in their PJs ( around 8:30-9 am) then are reluctant to get dressed and can't find their clothes so need cajoling, therefore breakfast isn't cleared away straight away. By the time everyone is fed and dressed with the dishwasher stacked it's 11 am and that is before bags are packed for eg: swimming so that can easily add another 30-45 mins, by then it is close to lunchtime and no one has given what is happening for lunch a moment's thought, oh and the fridge and cupboards are in dissarray too, so that all takes forever. Contrast with clothes all in draws, DC dress themselves before breakfast then help to stack dishwasher, food is orgnaised and someone has thought about what is to be eaten at each meal so it takes only 20 minutes to get a picnic together and the whole family can leave the house with a picnic by 9:30.DBs DCs are 8 & 10. It pretty much halves the available usable time each day. Neither DB nor DSIL feel they can work ft because the house looks as if a bomb has hit it as they leave for the school run everyday so someone needs to come back and sort it out.

Organised definitely.

However surley it's largely personality?

I sometimes envy people who move quite slowly and their dc also move slowly, slowly opening a peperami, gently eating it whilst calmly sat down... Munching slowly away whilst sat down.

Mum slowly opening a sandwich and all calmly eating.

Unfortunately my two have never wanted to sit and eat, always moving, fast.

I've had to be super fast to catch them from the doing all sorts. They wouid never ever sit and slowly get through a long meal.

@Goldencup maybe if you tried stopping being so judgemental if your BIL and SIL you might learn that it’s drawers. Not draws.

See: we can all find something to pick at and judge.

Maybe there are all sorts of reasons why laundry folding and putting in drawers is easier for you than them. But go ahead and assure yourself that you’re just more mature and good because you can ‘regulate your emotions’ and fold laundry consistently.

Golden cup, interesting

It does amaze me how ordered some people's are.

We "stack" the dishwasher once a day.
At night. Stuff just gravitates towards it all day without being filled until later at night.
We don't have a washing basket stuff goes directly into washing machine and back into drawers.