Page 7 | Really organised, calm families, how do they do it?

dividedduty · 01/06/2023 23:33

“Oh”, we thought, “we’ll be fine when we have kids, because we have tons of energy”, not realising this means one’s own DCs will have even more tons of energy and almost destroy you.

There’s a family on our street who have five kids in a small house and are always 100% calm and together. I am fascinated, and I think the secret is just that the children are naturally incredibly compliant, and it takes the parents zero energy to marshal them. Our DCs are Not Like That, and never will be…

Goldencup · 02/06/2023 04:52

bathty · 01/06/2023 19:21

@meandtheboy I suppose I was thinking planning in terms of every mon, wed & fri is scheduled for sex etc

Some couples may.do that. We are more, shall we make some for each other this weekend ? How does Sunday morning work ? Oh can we make it Saturday, DS has a 9 am kick off ?

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 02/06/2023 06:23

FernGully43 · 31/05/2023 11:09

I wouldnt say I'm really organised and calm but we're also not really chaotic either. I still struggle to juggle everything but I've made lots of improvements the last few months since having ds2. What works for us, won't for others. All about finding your balance and what works for your family!

Things I've learned:

Declutter. It's far easier to keep the house tidy and clean when there's less crap lying around!

Lower expectations. I always thought I needed to get out and do day trips to the zoo / farms etc and spent a lot of time feeling guilty. I realised the guilt put me in a bad mood and ds1 was getting a grumpy mother. Playing in the garden on a sunny morning is enough for my dc right now (3 years old and a 4 month old who chills in the wrap while his brother plays). 3 year old has the best morning ever pottering about, riding his bike, jumping on the trampoline, playing in the sandpit and it was really easy just walking downstairs (it's a shared garden). It's enough and I'm much happier realising this!

I have a great husband who is 50/50 and very hands on. We're forever tag teaming to get the kids ready / keeping them occupied to let the other get some things done etc.

I meal plan and do the weekly shop online.

We have a joint app for budgeting and every time we buy something, we pop it in our app and we can see what we're both spending and when to start being careful.

They're all different but I have to restrict TV because my toddler's behaviour is so much better when he watches less TV. He gets 30 minutes a day, sometimes a hour but that's his limit before he changes into the hulk.

Can I ask what is the app you use for budgeting? Me and DP really need to do this.

Manthide · 02/06/2023 07:10

I must admit I've never been hyper organised which I'm sure has stressed my 4 dc out at times! Dh has never really helped out with chores etc. I feel though our household was always pretty calm and I tried to keep mealtimes and bedtimes about the same in the holidays ( obviously with flexibility if necessary). I am lucky that all my dc were well behaved, listened to me and we've always shown respect for each other. I only have one dc at home now.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/06/2023 07:27

Why are you a SAHM? Is it a monetary decision or a 'we can't cope with kids and both of us working' decision? What age are your kids and how many do you have? What is your financial situation like, do you have enough money to throw at the problem? Do you know why you procastinate, is it because you are bored? Or do you struggle to get the essentials done because you can't accurately plan out how long tasks take? Or are you procastinating because you are scared of failure?

A lot of the PPs are about organisation, but very few about being calm. The two are not related, I am organised but not always calm, my lovely MIL is calm but not always organised. So which do you want to achieve, organisation or calmness?

Organisation is just about finding tools that work for you. There's lots of hints on here, not all of which will suit you so don't feel bad if you struggle with some. For example there are lots of suggestions here about getting things ready before bed. As a morning person I'm much happier and more efficient getting up early and getting things done quickly then than taking forever to do the same task in the evening when I'm tired and want to be in bed.

Calmness is mainly about not giving a fuck. It is not always a virtue (see comments above about vanilla families and dull compliant children) but if you are getting too stressed then Mind has some useful hints to help you deal with life's ups and downs.

mondaytosunday · 02/06/2023 07:31

The calm organised family I know are just very hard workers, in that they don't put a dish in the sink and think 'I'll deal with that later' or leave a pile of laundry to do 'after I finish X, Y, Z'. They just do it there and then.
The house is always tidy - they both work full time with three kids - because they just keep on top of it, don't procrastinate and also aren't messy people. They tag team with stuff to do with the kids.
In contrast, if I drop a sweater on the floor of my room it might stay there a couple days. If I read a newspaper I half heartedly fold it and leave by the sofa until putting out the recycling. I look at the lawn and think it needs mowing for several days before I actually do it. I don't prioritise the same things.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 02/06/2023 07:40

Honestly, some of the lives described here seem far too high a price to pay for ‘calm’ and ‘organisation’.

FernGully43 · 02/06/2023 07:50

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 02/06/2023 06:23

Can I ask what is the app you use for budgeting? Me and DP really need to do this.

Show quote history

It's called goodbudget. Been very helpful for us to control our spending

grayhairdontcare · 02/06/2023 08:04

My life is calm and organised.
I grew up in a cluttered, unorganised house so mine has always been the opposite.

I just tidy as I go
Have a cleaner once a month for jobs I don't do weekly ( woodwork and windows type stuff)
Shopping delivered
Everything attached to a smart plug so can be switched on and off remotely ( including slow cooker)
Shared calendar so everyone knows what's going on.

ssd · 02/06/2023 08:23

Wisenotboring · 31/05/2023 10:21

Advance planning and anticipating pinch points is crucial. Online shops, cleaner, clear expectations for everyone. My husband is very hands on so we operate as a real team. I stock up on things the children might enjoy for school holidays. For example I found craft sets and airfix packs were popular. I've always embraced messy play and crafts etc. This means that the children are now very good at working fairly neatly and don't make a massive mess. I don't tolerate much eating anywhere other than at the table so there aren't nasty surprises all around the house. We sit down together for meals always. This felt hard work in the tiny years, but has paid off. Generally eating out and chatting as a family is something we can all do so no grumpy reliance on screens.

I also think it's important to lower the bar when it doesn't matter! We only iron what is really necessary, I'm fairly relaxed about screentime as long as they are all involved in other things too and as long as they come off when I say. I do a strategic freezer tea when required.

Every night me and my husband get the house back to ground zero so tomorrow is a new day. We are also very protective of down time for us as a couple and a family. It is restorative for us all to take time to ourselves.

Having said this, I've no idea how we come across to the outside world!! However we both work full time and have 3 children. Life feels busy but manageable and fun which is good enough for me.

You really sound very sorted, I'm sure you'll come across as very calm .

bussteward · 02/06/2023 08:56

Goldencup · 01/06/2023 17:13

Honestly? Our sex life tends to be scheduled as well.I think planned sex is better than no sex in a busy family life.

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Frankly nothing kills my sex drive more than disorganisation and mess – having an early night to cope with the sleepless baby then discovering in the morning the kitchen hasn’t been reset by DP, sink full of grot, coffee pot not ready, dishwasher not on. Or meal plans ignored and bought food rotting in the fridge, etc. All of that kind of chaos just creates extra work, extra work is tiring, exhaustion is a libido killer. I hate the term “date night” but without a planned evening together we might not get one!

IWantToVote · 02/06/2023 09:02

If you are naturally calm like I am then menopause might come as a bit of a shock if it is like mines been. I've always been relaxed, calm and even tempered and generally always been very happy but menopause has definitely made me feel a bit anxious and stressed. Nothing else has changed. It's amazing what hormones can do! Thank goodness for HRT!

JaninaDuszejko · 02/06/2023 09:09

Alternatively what I'm finding strange is how even my mood is across the month as I get older (52 but still having regular periods). Not sure that the lack of PMT balances out the loss of the 'I can do anything' feeling earlier in the month.

riotlady · 02/06/2023 09:26

Calmness is mainly about not giving a fuck

I think this is largely true! We are moderately organised (rarely scrambling or forgetting important things but not on the “all of our beach gear nearly organised in the car boot ready to go” level) but pretty calm and I think a lot of it is picking battles and not sweating the small stuff. As an example, on the weekend DD climbs into my bed with her iPad and a pre wrapped pain au chocolat. I could get up and do a load of washing (organised) or exercise (healthy) but instead I stay in bed and doze or play on my phone (lazy but calm!)

taxguru · 02/06/2023 09:56

Re intimacy etc., you can be more spontaneous when you are relaxed/calm knowing that everything is organised and you're mind isn't full of trying to remember things, catching up on backlogs, etc.

We organise/standardise/systemise everything possible and adopted the "just do it" approach where you do things as they happen, i.e. wash up and put away after every meal, take out the rubbish daily, put things away once we've used and finished with them, pay bills the day they arrive (for anything not on direct debit), we have all deadlines (MOTs, car services, utility contract renewals, etc) on a calendar so we know we're not going to miss anything. A large "family" calendar on our kitchen wall is the centre of out household really - we can all see what any of us have booked/planned, we can all see impending deadlines, we can add to it anything we're about to run out of so we can buy it when we go shopping, etc.

When you do things you can do straight away, and write things down that need attention at a later date, you can forget about it, and that clears your mind for other things, such as intimacy and other spontaneous things.

Okaygoahead · 02/06/2023 12:27

Looking back from the other side (kids grown and gone) I realise the secret - I didn't understand it at the time but so many PPs have mentioned it - is to simplify, simplify, simplify. That can mean decluttering, it can mean routines, it can mean managing expectations - but deliberately doing and having less means you will, probably, manage better and achieve more.

I tried, always, to do everything everywhere all at once and was exhausted, overwhelmed with stuff and yet permanently somehow guilty that I wasn't doing more and more and more. Set limits; that will help you focus. And yes, routines will set you free without making you boring if you weren't boring to begin with (surprisingly the first step down the path that made things a bit better for me was to sort out every weekend my own work wardrobe for the coming week - saving a heap of unnecessary dither every morning!). Good luck, OP!

Bobinov · 02/06/2023 16:27

Propanalol

sashh · 03/06/2023 06:14

Suncreamweather · 31/05/2023 09:43

Feel our family life is chaotic & we're constantly on edge.. Envy the calm, really organised families who have organised homes, well behaved kids & are not outwardly stressed. How can I achieve this before the summer holidays so we can all enjoy ourselves..

Valium?

I think calm families are either really really organised or the opposite.

I watch 'Jar of fireflies' on youtube and I find Chana the lady who presents it so calm.

She has 4 children she homeschools and is also orthodox Jewish so can't cook on Shabbat, one of her children is gluten intolerant and one is diabetic (I'm not sure if it is the same one).

She is so calm, but I was surprised she doesn't have a time table. Her children get up when they wake up and go to bed when they are tired.

So she gets up and makes a drink and does some reading, one of her children might join her but she doesn't wake them up, they don't have a set time for lessons or food other than Shabbat.

Sothisisitthen · 03/06/2023 06:55

We are both extremely organised and good at planning. The kids chip in with their chores. We have clear routines that everyone knows.

Once it’s set up it’s easy, but yeah you have to sit down and plan it all out, and if you have a partner they need to not be useless.

Lemonpepper · 03/06/2023 07:35

Hmm. We're not always calm, I don't think any family is 100% of the time. But things are calm the vast majority of the time.

I put it down to:

-1 child (so far!!)
-hugely supportive and hardworking husband
-small home that doesn't take much to clean and maintain
-our home is very minimal so we're not overwhelmed with stuff and the maintenance of stuff
-we don't overstretch ourselves with activities/days out etc. We pace ourselves and enjoy simple activities.

I find that the bigger the activity/day out, the more is likely to go wrong and cause stress so we try to have a ratio of more simply easy going things to bigger activities. And for the bigger activities/trips/holidays: plan plan plan!!

CrispsnDips · 03/06/2023 09:37

Five children (when I fostered)
regimented meal/snack times
regimented bath/bedtime reading
everything was routine …they all knew what they were doing when
sounds boring but it was easier

i know a mother with eight children who has high standards with the childrens’ clothes/trainers/hair cuts - they are ABSOLUTELY IMMACULATE ..the house is spotless (her kitchen mop always looked brand new LOL). Shoes and coats ready by the door - super organised

Not sure how she did it but she said she had no choice, had to be organised to keep on top of everything

Dinopawus · 03/06/2023 11:37

Okaygoahead · 02/06/2023 12:27

Looking back from the other side (kids grown and gone) I realise the secret - I didn't understand it at the time but so many PPs have mentioned it - is to simplify, simplify, simplify. That can mean decluttering, it can mean routines, it can mean managing expectations - but deliberately doing and having less means you will, probably, manage better and achieve more.

I tried, always, to do everything everywhere all at once and was exhausted, overwhelmed with stuff and yet permanently somehow guilty that I wasn't doing more and more and more. Set limits; that will help you focus. And yes, routines will set you free without making you boring if you weren't boring to begin with (surprisingly the first step down the path that made things a bit better for me was to sort out every weekend my own work wardrobe for the coming week - saving a heap of unnecessary dither every morning!). Good luck, OP!

I completely agree with this. I have more free time and am calmer because I now have a routine.

I don't waste time looking for stuff, or stress over sorting stuff at the last minute. It's just done.

My life is more interesting because I spend less time sorting stuff - not more.

mustbefunny · 03/06/2023 13:12

I find we can be calm and organised when we have a run of weekends at home but then chaos resumes as we are often away at weekends - visiting family or friends or on holiday. I marvel at people who say things like 'we wash bedding every Saturday morning' or 'ironing is always done on a Sunday after lunch'. No two weekends are the same here so we have zero weekend routine.

LexieLoos · 03/06/2023 13:15

Suncreamweather · 31/05/2023 22:15

I started a to do list for tomorrow, I'm a sahm so I have no excuses at all not to get our shit together. Need to start getting more sleep, get up earlier & also cut out the mid week g&t..

Don't be so hard on yourself - I do a lot of life admin type stuff while I'm working and DD is in childcare.

Hannahsbananas · 03/06/2023 13:27

WimpoleHat · 31/05/2023 10:17

I know a family like this. Calm. Organised. And they are lovely. Genuinely lovely. But if I had to describe them in one word, it would be “vanilla”. Nobody has a strong personality, or interests they’re passionate about. Nobody is quirky, nobody does anything out of the ordinary, they don’t argue about politics/don’t have strong opinions about things. And we just aren’t the same. And I often think it’s those things - the quirks, the interests etc - that lead to a bit of chaos. We don’t have dinner at a set time because one of the kids has a driving passion for a hobby that she does several times a week (and, as such, there are often dishes in the sink in the morning). We have several days with kids in different directions because they like different things and that’s a mad dash that means a bit of stress and most likely convenience food. (Alternatively, it’s just because I’m a bit of a crap housekeeper, but it’s there as another option!)

Wow! I don’t know where to start with this one.
“We’ll, our chaos is down to us being slightly more interesting than your average family”.
🤔