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Really organised, calm families, how do they do it?

226 replies

Suncreamweather · 31/05/2023 09:43

Feel our family life is chaotic & we're constantly on edge.. Envy the calm, really organised families who have organised homes, well behaved kids & are not outwardly stressed. How can I achieve this before the summer holidays so we can all enjoy ourselves..

OP posts:
Sunflowers80 · 01/06/2023 11:17

They have cleaners, pay nursery fees for babies to take time out, nannies, anything that involves having more money and coming from money. They have money for activities to get their kids active and out of the way, and as say a cleaner to take a huge load off.

Sunflowers80 · 01/06/2023 11:23

I have 2 children on the ASD spectrum and another one possibly. There is calm at times and I try and reduce stress and demands etc but there are days when it's anything but calm. I wish I could afford a bigger house I know it sounds weird but we are quite on top of each other so the kids sometimes clash massively, other times they are best friends. Just a calm parent helps and I know at times that isn't easy but kids can sense when we are stressed and it doesn't help.

InvincibleInvisibility · 01/06/2023 11:55

@Suncreamweather

A great motivator is body doubling. Find a podcast or youtube you enjoy and work alongside them.

I don't like cleaning videos but I do enjoy the Minimal Moms videos. She does some that are specific for body doubling but all of her videos work. So for example she'll be clearing out a space and organising it and you do something that needs doing in your house (not necessarily the same space).

brownbin · 01/06/2023 11:58

Declutter the absolute life out of your home - it's honesty changed my life. Do 'nightly resets' to ensure your home is tidy before you go to bed - morning you will thank you. Organise stuff for the kids the night before. Have a snack box for the kids in the car. Keep on top of any events in advance - birthday parties etc. buy a voucher/gift and a card when you find our about it.

Honestly, becoming 'minimal' was the best thing I've ever done. It's brought SO much peace into our family life (DCs are 1 and 3).

VerymuchAllornothing · 01/06/2023 14:35

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VerymuchAllornothing · 01/06/2023 14:38

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Carriemac · 01/06/2023 14:48

I'm considered organised and our house is calm . Three kids in 2 years , both of us worked and the kids did lots of activities.

i worked hard at routine and being ready the day before , and also the number one tile in the house is ( almost ) no shouting , and no bickering from the kids . Most bickering is attention seeking and I can't bear it .

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/06/2023 14:55

Regular decluttering
Have a cleaner (the night before we make sure everything is tidy so the cleaner can focus on cleaning)
Shared calendar
Make sure everything has a home - I have boxes for stationery, cards, stuff we need when we're travelling etc.
Have Alexa devices dotted around the house so if we notice something is running low we can add it to shopping list
For everyday essentials e.g. toothpaste, I always have a spare in the house, and when we open the spare another one gets purchased so we don't run out
Order some essentials like toilet rolls, soap, washing powder via Amazon subscribe & save do they get delivered regularly
Meal plan and double batch for the freezer
DC have chores like stripping own bed etc.

DH and I both pull our weight but it helps that I like to plan in advance. Especially for holidays, social events etc. I'm starting to think about next year's summer holiday now.

Lira715 · 01/06/2023 15:30

Yeah but having the right equipment etc that’s just planning ahead you can do that too… I work 12 hr shifts so I have a lady that comes while I’m at work to clean let the dog out etc she’s amazing she organises my cupboards so I can’t take any credit for my organised home. As far as well behaved children go I think it can depend on child and age too … if any of mine misbehaved on a fun day out they would be warned if they continue they won’t go again, they are not perfect tho there’s always a bicker over who has middle seat ( have 3 Dc) always one that wants to eat at a different place or do something different .one that gets over tired and cranky ... it’s never completely smooth sailing but also never awful .

polkadotdalmation · 01/06/2023 15:35

Some laid back parents have nice laid back kids who make life easier.

DizzyRascal · 01/06/2023 16:18

I just can't manage a calm orderly household. I think I have everything organized then will have forgotten something crucial..then I panic! I don't mean plan really, but I'm a good cook and I make what I feel like on the day. My family has always been a bit as hoc- often would forget my homework and be picking my uniform off the floor in the morning ( lots of siblings) so I struggle to keep everything on track alongside full on job.
Honestly though, aside from getting annoyed by my apalling memory and lack of attention to detail it's not the be all and end all. I can't really imagine living like some of the families described.
Genuine question but if you and your husband spend all your time adding to shared calenders and de cluttering and planning where to have lunch in 8 months time does that not sort of kill any spontaneity and end your sex life once and for all?? It all sounds so dull to me. Which isn't to say it's not a better way to live, I don't really know.

IWantToVote · 01/06/2023 16:52

@DizzyRascal
Genuine question but if you and your husband spend all your time adding to shared calenders and de cluttering and planning where to have lunch in 8 months time does that not sort of kill any spontaneity and end your sex life once and for all?? It all sounds so dull to me. Which isn't to say it's not a better way to live, I don't really know.

That's a bit of an extreme interpretation 😂😂. I don't think anyone has suggested they do anything like that.
I forget things and I'm naturally disorganised so I force myself to be organized. I put important things away and I have to do lists on my phone.

Asking SIRI to remind me to do something when I get home (for example) is hardly onerous.

Forcing myself to be organised saves me masses of time and makes me feel calm. Pretty sure that puts me in better mood for sex than the alternative 😂😂😂

I think having structure and being organized actually allows for more spontaneity - I know where I am with things so if something last minute crops up I can deal with it more easily.

DizzyRascal · 01/06/2023 17:04

I swear someone upthread said they plan where to eat on next year's holiday ( I might have invented it 😂) I do need to get better at keeping lists, and looking at them... Can't involve Siri or Alexa , I'm.too paranoid ..( all hail our digital overlords).

thatsn0tmyname · 01/06/2023 17:12

Routine, planning ahead, write everything down on a calendar, reminders on post - its. Online food shop, cleaning routine. Keep a clutter - free and tidy house so you can find stuff. Regular charity shop and dump runs. Communicate clearly regarding plans. Delegate jobs.

Goldencup · 01/06/2023 17:13

DizzyRascal · 01/06/2023 16:18

I just can't manage a calm orderly household. I think I have everything organized then will have forgotten something crucial..then I panic! I don't mean plan really, but I'm a good cook and I make what I feel like on the day. My family has always been a bit as hoc- often would forget my homework and be picking my uniform off the floor in the morning ( lots of siblings) so I struggle to keep everything on track alongside full on job.
Honestly though, aside from getting annoyed by my apalling memory and lack of attention to detail it's not the be all and end all. I can't really imagine living like some of the families described.
Genuine question but if you and your husband spend all your time adding to shared calenders and de cluttering and planning where to have lunch in 8 months time does that not sort of kill any spontaneity and end your sex life once and for all?? It all sounds so dull to me. Which isn't to say it's not a better way to live, I don't really know.

Honestly? Our sex life tends to be scheduled as well.I think planned sex is better than no sex in a busy family life.

wearesuceeding · 01/06/2023 17:26

The only calm family I know have no idea what is going on. They miss many events as it wasn't on their radar when it was happening and then enquire as to when the event will be after they missed it.

They all seem lovely but totally away with the fairies

JaninaDuszejko · 01/06/2023 17:27

OK, we have a cleaner, DH does his share and I am very organised. However we are not always calm because we are a busy household.

The households that I know that appear calm tend to do less than us, either work less or have fewer kids doing fewer activities, entertain less, have a less tidy house or simply give less fucks about things than me. DH always said he wanted the chaos of lots of kids and we tend to push ourselves to hit targets that other calmer household don't care about. There would be a lot less done in the world if everyone was calm, we need driven people who push themselves and others. And driven people tend to have driven children who are also constantly pushing themselves.

KnackeredSheep · 01/06/2023 17:52

I think the key is an organised house. I hate excess stuff. Everything we own has a home and is easy to put away. If you need to move something to put something else away, it just isn’t going to get put away at all.

AM, unload dishwasher, do water bottles and check money on tuc accounts for dc, breakfast things in dishwasher, load of washing on and quick clean of kitchen.

I WFH, so use my lunch hour for housework. I do 30 minutes a day, similar to the organised mum method. I never clean outside of this time or at weekends. DH is great at doing his share, but works much longer hours out of the house and I’m happy to do the majority of housework during my lunch hour to free up the weekends.

After dinner, everyone helps. One DC clears and cleans the table, one puts the bins out and DH and I load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen. DW turned on before bed, cushions plumped and anything out of place tidied before bed. Never takes more than 5 minutes.

Birthday cards are bought in bulk once or twice a year, takes a while choosing individual cards for everyone, but much easier to have them there when I need them. Kept in a box next to the wrapping paper, tape and scissors.

When DC were primary age bags were unpacked as soon as we got home. Lunchboxes wiped out, letters etc put in to do box. Any kit straight in the wash. PE kit, football kit, swimming kit etc, as soon as it’s washed straight back in the relevant bag and on a hook by the back door. We never had to look for goggles or a mouth guard because it was always put back in the right bag.

I meal plan for 6 nights a week. There is always a day when we’re not home or fancy a takeaway or use up let leftovers etc. I always plan for a chuck in the oven dinner for when I can’t be bothered and an easy to reheat diner for the inevitable call from DH to say he’s running late. I have a shopping list stuck on the fridge so when we’re running low on something it’s added to the list.

DCs were always encouraged to try lots of activities. We had a few years of activities every day except 1, including sports matches both weekend days. Much as I like an organised house and life, I also love being busy and out and about lots.

DH and I plan a couple of weekends away a year. Usually March and September, just the two of us. DC are old enough to stay home alone now. Part time working DC tells me her shifts as soon as she gets them, but she’s on a zero hour contract so picks when she wants to work. We pre plan lots of days out. Sports game, theatres trips etc. I look out for special offers and cheap tickets.

Far from being ‘vanilla’ as PPs have suggested, we are very much the opposite. We have a crazy dog, DCs friends always seem to gravitate to our house. Lots of impromptu sleepovers of teens - I just chuck them a pile of blankets and let them get on with it. We can always invite people back because the house is always guest ready. And because I do all the housework during the week, our weekends are always free for either pre planned trips or impromptu ’fancy a trip to the seaside today’ or whatever. And because the house is so well organised, it takes 2 minutes to grab a picnic blanket/sun cream or whatever we need.

DH is a keen cyclist and usually goes out for a long ride one day at the weekend. Usually just a 2 minute conversation. Have we got anything planned - no - do you mind if I go out on Sunday? Or - yes. I wanted to maybe do something - ok, no worries, I’ll go next week.

The only thing I can’t manage to squeeze in is exercise. I could get up early and do it, but I like my bed far too much!

ThreeRingCircus · 01/06/2023 18:03

I think that by and large, children pick up on your energy. DH and I are both extremely laid back, calm people and DDs in the main are the same. I can't abide shouting or being stressed so I try to minimise that as much as possible. Routine is also important to me and to our family. So yes, others would potentially say that's boring but it's just how we like to operate. Everyone is different and that's ok.

What has really helped is throwing money at some problems (e.g. we have a cleaner), being organised (e.g. annual leave and DD's holiday clubs are all booked for the rest of the year) and lowering some standards (e.g. beans on toast is a perfectly acceptable dinner.)

The single biggest thing that helps though is DH is hands on and shares the load equally. I cook, he cleans, I do the food shop, he does the laundry etc etc. We operate as a team and that makes everything else simpler.

bathty · 01/06/2023 18:16

Genuine question but if you and your husband spend all your time adding to shared calenders and de cluttering and planning where to have lunch in 8 months time does that not sort of kill any spontaneity and end your sex life once and for all?? It all sounds so dull to me. Which isn't to say it's not a better way to live, I don't really know.

You know I always wonder this too, particularly on the how to fit in exercise threads. I just don't think I could plan sex!

meandtheboy · 01/06/2023 18:55

on the contrary @bathty the idea is that the headspace released by everything being organised means you have the interest in and energy for other things, including intimacy...

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 01/06/2023 18:57

I have only one child now 13, she always has been content and able to amuse herself 95% of the time, this is down largely to her character, when she was little we had a loose rountine not rigid, so lunch was 1 ish, dinner 6ish bedtime 8ish getting up 7.30-8ish, leave for school 8.45 ( now she gets school bud to high schoola t 8m15 and gets herself up and ready she now takes 2 hours due to har and makeup but she is self sufficient)
self suffiency is a mixture of me encouraging it and her general character of wanting to do stuff herself I can't claim it is all brilliant parenting
we have always had a limit of 2 extra curricular activities a week, at least one evening when nobody has anything on and generally nothing planned apart from church on Sunday, she could go to a birthday party on a Sunday but nothing regular it is a church and family day, I still encourage her not to do homework on Sunday not for religious reasons but to have one day off a week we try not to do housework or chores except meal prep

the big thing is organisation and no clutter including from kids, no one plays with 50 toys
we limit inventory everything you own is something that needs cleaning mantenance and a storage solution, the less there is the less cleaning etc
I do not clean or launder clean stuff it is organised Mondays one lot of bedlinen ours one week DD's next week, wednesdays DH's work clothes Fridays nights white school shirts and anything else white or pale, dark load school jumper skirt tights and anything else dark, Saturday morning all towels and dishcloths so 5 loads per week, I only iron what I have to 15- 20 minutes on Saturday
I do not wash anything after a single use apart from underwear socks white school shirts and things visibly dirty or smelly, I certainly don't wash towels after a single use
have also worked on principle that people need 10 outfits per season (15 if you don't wear a uniform) somethings will work all year round, plus school clothes plus sports stuff
i allocate a space for stuff, it has to fit in that space, if more something needs to go
no more coats or shoes than fit in allocated space
every day I wash dishes after every meal and wipe worktops, alternative days I do kitchen and bathroom floors and sinks, I vacuum and dust once a week
on the 25-28th of each month, I balance the budget for the month almost at an end ( any spending in the time between that day and end of month will be cash)
I then do budget ( and meal plan) for next month we are both self employed so income is very variable by up to 30% fill in calendar for events and whether anythng needed for them. I also do out own personal business accounts the same day it takes about 4-5 hours
we also do an annual budget/ family meeting to allow for all annual expenditure planning amounts for holidays birthday christmas emergencies, house car insurance and maintenance etc
I do most of organising but DH does actually do nearly all car house and garden maintenance

bathty · 01/06/2023 19:21

@meandtheboy I suppose I was thinking planning in terms of every mon, wed & fri is scheduled for sex etc

IhearyouClemFandango · 01/06/2023 23:00

I am not naturally calm (adhd and anxiety) but do my best to mitigate that by being organised. I can’t cope in too much chaos, which is unfortunate as my 3rd child is a chaos machine. We home educated our older two for a few years and even then it was calmer!

We do a lot of activities, in part because as the older two become teenagers I want them occupied and with interests outside of school which is working so far. The youngest has too much energy so we will keep it up with him.

I work from home for the family business so have flexibility, dh works out of the home for the same business but is the boss so also has an element of flexibility, although I am the default.

Usual routines, mornings I am up first with the youngest, I make packed lunches while kids have breakfast. Tag in with dh when he comes down from shower and he does dishwasher etc while I get myself ready. So little things like that help.

Winter meal planning is fairly rigid, similar themed meals on days of the week etc. Food delivery on same day, same slot plus a top up on the bike which helps me to do a minute bit of exercise as well 😂

Summer meals are more flexible as dh loves bbqing, smoking food etc so we eat a lot of that. We grow salad, have chickens etc so sometimes have a glut of stuff that needs eating.

I am ruthless at getting rid of stuff, and easy going on screen time as they do lots of activities otherwise. I tend to do a 15 minute down start whip through while I make a coffee after the school run, before I sit down in the office. I will then do another 15 mins upstairs. Upstairs is where I fall down as I don’t see it as much!

IhearyouClemFandango · 01/06/2023 23:02

I should add that we are also quite spontaneous/active, we often take dinner down to the beach or whatever. But being organised in other areas allows for that.

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