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Really organised, calm families, how do they do it?

226 replies

Suncreamweather · 31/05/2023 09:43

Feel our family life is chaotic & we're constantly on edge.. Envy the calm, really organised families who have organised homes, well behaved kids & are not outwardly stressed. How can I achieve this before the summer holidays so we can all enjoy ourselves..

OP posts:
SunnySideDow · 31/05/2023 15:07

InvincibleInvisibility · 31/05/2023 15:01

@SunnySideDow

Oh and recently I totally cracked at having to get myself ready as well as various household tasks in the morning PLUS clockwatching to tell my 11 year old when to move onto the next task.

So Ive put alarms on his phone Mon-Fri. DH wakes him at 5.45 and he's straight in the shower. He comes out and starts making breakfast. But his phone goes off at 6.05 to remind him about breakfast. 6.20 his phone alarm goes again to move on to next stage. And again at 6.35 for the final stage. And with minimal cajouling we get him out the house at 6.50am.

The alarms on his phone have changed my life!!!!

Oh I will try this approach, thank you! My autistic DD has a tendency to get ready far too early (think, dressed in full outdoor clothes and hat, overheating indoors at 8am when we don’t have to leave until 9.30am… 😂) whereas the other one stares into space and is always late. So could help them both in different ways!

meditated · 31/05/2023 15:14

I was employed by one such family.
So yeah- money is a factor.

Cleaner - 2/3 times a week

Babysitter/ nanny

After school/ holiday clubs

Big house - no clutter

Local supportive extended family

Belonging to an actual community; many family friends with kids similar age

The kids were very tidy, very well behaved and high achieving.
They were almost always kept busy doing organised things/ having play dates.
Early bedtime, established routine.

Mum had a colour-coded diary and she would plan everything even a family movie night.

Dad cooked most meals. Food deliveries on same day every week.

leelaay · 31/05/2023 15:20

Money and limiting family size.

bathty · 31/05/2023 15:22

You have to actually do it...so for summer holidays by now I'd have booked and planned time off work, kids clubs or au pair for when I'm at work and be planning logistics of all activities...

The clubs near me have only just opened for summer bookings & some haven't!

bathty · 31/05/2023 15:24

Having money helps to outsource & just sort things there & then.

Suncreamweather · 31/05/2023 15:24

SparklyPinkBalloon · 31/05/2023 12:06

Neurotypical parents with neurotypical kids tend to have a massive head start in life.

I completely agree with you on this @SparklyPinkBalloon

OP posts:
bathty · 31/05/2023 15:26

Dh is hands on, I have family help, cleaner etc & don't work f/t. I'm not that organised though & it's quite chaotic, lots of activities & I personally like spontaneity where possible.

taxguru · 31/05/2023 15:31

Planning
Organising
Lists
Structure
Pattern

Do the same things on the same day. I.e. we have our shopping delivery not only the same day, but the same time slot. Normally buy the same things, just take the list we bought the week before and "tweak" it slightly for any minor changes we need. Makes it so much quicker. We have usually the same kind of meal on each day, i.e. Tuesday is Pizza day, Thursday is Pasta, Friday is fish, etc. Meal planning saves so much time and money.

We have rigidly defined roles. There are things I look after and things OH looks after. We rely and trust each other to do our respective "jobs" so we're not duplicating or getting in eachother's way, nor checking up on eachother or contradicting what the other has done.

The house is organised. Things are put away in specific places. That way, there's no wasted time looking for things. Putting stuff away in it's place takes no time at all if you do it as you go along. Neither of us would think of going upstairs without seeing if there's something to take up, such as ironed washing, towels, bedding, etc., No point making a special journey to take things up when someone may have been going up empty handed. I often do the ironing whilst watching TV rather than "wasting" time on it. Whoever is around will hang out the washing and then bring it in again - we even trained our DS to do it without us having to tell him, i.e. if he notices it starting to rain, he automatically looks to see if there is washing out, and will bring it in!

When any of us notice something has run out or running low, we write it on a "to buy" list in the kitchen, so it gets bought at the next convenient opportunity.

We also "manage expectations" whether for Christmas/birthdays, holidays, days out, etc. We have always told our son exactly what is going to happen, sequence of events, etc so he's never caught out by any surprises.

Eating meals together makes the World of difference. We don't "formally" dine at the dining table every meal, we do sometimes, but we also eat on our knees, etc - but we make a big point of doing it together, even if we're otherwise engaged watching TV or DS is on his ipad - it's the opportunity to have a family chat about forthcoming plans, events, etc.

taxguru · 31/05/2023 15:32

And, no, I don't have paid help, don't have a cleaner, nor a gardener. I hate having people in the house. We just share the chores between us, have firmly established "systems", and all pull our weight around the house.

bathty · 31/05/2023 15:33

I hate meal planning & like lots of variation so I find guosto or similar good.

bathty · 31/05/2023 15:35

I find it helpful to have 5 sets of everything for their uniform so don't need to think about mid week washing.

Discoverysnakes · 31/05/2023 15:39

Isn’t at least some of this down to luck/inherent kids personalities?

My youngest DS is very easy going and chilled, always has been and generally pretty good at being organised and doing what is asked. If it’s just me and him then I think we do appear pretty calm.

My eldest has ADHD - he is lots of things but definitely not calm! So I imagine we generally look fairly chaotic and I am frazzled most of the time ( single parent). I’m actually pretty organised myself and do most of the tips mentioned above but still chaos ..

NeverendingCircus · 31/05/2023 15:47

I suspect they are neurotypical parents with neurotypical children.

But...we ended up after a few bumpy years, being a very calm family despite SEN DC, ASD DH and ADHD me!

My tricks were:
3 mini routines
Morning: stick a washload on, make packed lunches and breakfasts then get DC up and dressed =, breakfast and out of the house in good time for a stroll to school without hurrying.

After school: give DC snacks and empty their schoolbags entirely. Check for scrunched up soggy party invitations, school letters, awards, forms that need signing and homework books that need to be checked. Write down any forthcoming events or deadlines on a family calendar. Let them watch TV or play in garden for an hour then sit them down to do any homework in kitchen while I cook dinner and supervise them.

Evening: refill their school bags, making sure they have sports kit if needed etc (when they were at secondary and SEN DS really struggled, this was so helpful in ensuring he had the right books for the right subjects, the right pencil case for maths etc as well as homework due in). Then bath time, story time and tuck them in.

To keep house I used Flylady's 5 minute room rescues, 15 mins to company ready and 1 hour house blessing techniques. Not perfect but not chaos.

At weekends we broke down time into blocks where we'd each take one DC and do some errands or jobs, each take turns with both DC entertaining them or taking them out while the other adult had a few hours off or a needed lie in, and also go out all together as a family to have fun. We tried to book a babysitter at least twice a month to get out and do fun things together.

TheSingingCharm · 31/05/2023 15:48
  1. easy kids
  2. Neuro typical kids
  3. supportive partner
  4. supportive family
  5. space - so not crushed in a flat
  6. your own home - not fckg about with crap landlords
  7. money
  8. a live and let live or could t care less attitude!

NONE of those applied to me. Some nice parts but it was v tough at the time. Phew. I live on my own now in relative peace!

GCalltheway · 31/05/2023 15:48

Well for us with two dc:

  • Excellent carefully planned routine with well being at the centre every decision.
  • Only 1 child directed club each week per child so no rushing about and happy, rested children
  • Classical music in the car - calms everyone without fail
  • No clutter - tidy everything away every day and bags - clothes organised the night before whatever we are doing
  • Car clean and washed every week
  • Plenty of downtime at home together and very early nights.
  • Not on SM so fomo not a thing, so pottering at home with the odd well planned day out organised when we feel like it.
  • I don’t overextend. Ever. We turn things down if they are likely to be fraught or difficult.

I also think it’s temperament, it takes a lot to get upset or annoy me, and I factor accidents into anything child related, so we always have spare outfit, first aid kit and healthy snacks in the car. That covers most things! I look after myself well so I don’t feel fried and frazzled.

TheSingingCharm · 31/05/2023 15:49

Oh and I forgot - good health.

greenacrylicpaint · 31/05/2023 15:49

'monica's closet' is all I'm saying. Grin

and delegating. children from 6yo can do a few chores and be responsible for their own stuff.

soberfabulous · 31/05/2023 15:56

I was a calm organized person before I became a parent and the thought of my life becoming chaotic after kids filled me with dread. I knew I couldn't live like that.

We only have one child which helps massively and our house is extremely calm and zen: people comment on it when they visit.

We don't have a connected tv so there's no blaring noise. We might have jazz fm on quietly. I am not a shouter and neither is DH. I couldn't cope with that kind of energy.

I few years ago I did a meditation course and I also practice mindfulness which has made me even calmer.

I'm also ruthlessly organized and abhor clutter.

I love my calm quiet life ❤️

leelaay · 31/05/2023 15:59

We might have jazz fm on quietly.

Grin
InvincibleInvisibility · 31/05/2023 16:05

My DC with ADHD are not calm. And argue with going out etc. Hence why we have so many routines. It causes fewer arguments.

We can rarely do anything spontaneous cos they just don't cope.

pigalow27 · 31/05/2023 16:08

Not having jobs where you have to work every night and at least 1 day at weekend Secondary History teacher so loads of marking.)
Not having DC with very time consuming hobbies they have to do out of the house (county level sport; ballet.)
Not owning hundreds of books and being obsessed with fashion

DelphiniumBlue · 31/05/2023 16:16

UWhatNow · 31/05/2023 10:00

They usually have a fully engaged hands-on dad who shoulders his share and maybe extended family who help out a lot.
They prioritise quality relationships with their children that fosters good behaviour and respect.
They plan well.

This , plus a fair amount of luck, eg having help or money for childcare, enough space, a job that can be flexible, children whose needs are manageable by the available adults, energetic parents in good physical and mental health, and top class organisational skills.
Goldencup, your list is great, but if you are getting up at 5:30 either you don't need much sleep or you are going to bed earlier than some of us can manage. For example shift workers and their families may have to arrange their hours differently if they are to see each other at all.

givemushypeasachance · 31/05/2023 16:41

I think some of it is your child's temperament. Some children are just largely a bit more "chill" than others. Will your child, left to their own devices, play with something quietly by themselves? Read? Colour? Craft? Roleplay with dolls or other toys? Build some lego? Engage in polite conversation? And is there more than one child involved, and how do they interact? Because my friends have two boys of 3yo and 6yo and more often than not, if they're interacting together and not distracted with screens or something, they will be bouncing off each other (and the walls) like lunatics. The 3yo's favourite activity is literally just running back and forth across the living room shouting, and most games seem to end with wrestling on the floor. So it's an uphill struggle trying to have a calm organised household vibe when that is what you're working with.

SunnySideDow · 31/05/2023 16:47

Not having a dog probably helps too - or having just one that is of a sensible breed and calm nature <looks sideways at slightly unhinged but wonderful spaniel>.

Having one dashing about and barking when the doorbell rings doesn’t create a zen feeling.

TheSingingCharm · 31/05/2023 16:50

yes as a child I was very independent and happy to sit in a corner quietly reading or playing with dolls. Went to sleep easily, not one tear. Unbelievably easy going.

God my mum had it easy!!!!!

Me and my child, not so much …