Really organised, calm families, how do they do it?

[Suncreamweather]

Feel our family life is chaotic & we're constantly on edge.. Envy the calm, really organised families who have organised homes, well behaved kids & are not outwardly stressed. How can I achieve this before the summer holidays so we can all enjoy ourselves..

Not to sound militant and like a total fun sponge but keeping strictly to the routine helps. Especially I think with younger kids

Someone at home all the time, throwing money at it, naturally organised?

Summer holiday organisation

• Get my diary out in June/July and plan days out, meet ups with friends or plan in days at home
• Have the right equipment, so picnic mat, decent bag for days out etc
• Use Facebook to plan cheap/free days out
• We can’t spend loads on days out so I go to Aldi and buy drinks and snacks from there to take with us
• I spend time decluttering in advance and sorting through clothes so our house is organised to start with
• I look in charity shops for cheap activities for rainy days
• I have children round to play so my children are occupied and I can get on with general tidying up

Calm families on the surface are not always calm. Smoke and mirrors.

Both my DC have ADHD and dyspraxia. Neither of which helps with executive function....

What works for our family is strict routine (meal times and bed times). We even fall into a routine on holiday (and the DC go to bed at almost normal times).

Other than that I am very organized have taught DC to be the same.

Everything has a place and everything in its place. I don't need to get clothes out the night before because they know where to find their pants, socks, school polo shirts and school trousers. Ditto for weekend clothes.

They put their dirty washing in the same place every day: 1 basket for lights, 1 basket for darks.

They have 1 water bottle each for school: when they come home its washed and refilled and put in the same place in the fridge.

Shoes come off and go in 1 specific place.

School bags are packed the night before and left in the same place as usual.

I HAVE to plan ahead and execute the plans. Otherwise it doesn't work.

I meal plan and write the shopping lists at the same time.

Keeping a minimal amount of stuff is key too. They dont have a polo shirt for every day at school BUT my laundry is done daily and around the needs (so white wash on a Wednesday so sports tshirt which is worn Wednesdays and Fridays is washed, dried and ironed on time).

I always found it helped if everything was always tidy.
I put things away where they're supposed to go and insisted that the children did the same.
I am ruthless and I throw things out when they're no longer needed.

Having a calm, tidy house made me calm.

We had loads of fun and made a great deal of mess, every day, but it was always tidied up before we went to bed.

I've probably cracked it in the last 5 years after spending 20+ in absolute chaos. Key to this is that 2 of my 3 children now live elsewhere.

Other things that have helped.

Identify as an organised person with a tidy house. Its surprising how much a fake it till you make it approach helps.

Have a routine, but make it easy. My daily morning tasks are to do the dishwasher & kitchen work surfaces, check the bins, use a hand held hoover on the hard floors in the kitchen diner, shake the dog beds, make our bed, & do any laundry that needs doing.

After work Check emails & post. Treat like work. Delete it/Deal with it/add it to the diary if I need to deal with it later.

In the evening - cook dinner, make lunches for next day & load dishwasher. Repatriate any stray items that are in the wrong place.

Weekends; wash beds & towels, dust & hoover carpeted rooms, dust, hoover & mop hard floor rooms, & clean the toilets.

It sounds a lot written down, but it's probably no more than an hour a day + cooking time, and 3-4 hours at weekends. Plus, because it's mostly tidy, if we are busy, the world doesn't end if the loo doesn't get cleaned for 2 weeks.

They lie. They are only calm in front of others

Having a DH who does half of the housework and shares the childcare equally also helps.

Mine is brilliant. I can never get my head round women (or men) who write threads on here, upset because they do all of it, and paid work too.

DH and I worked full time. When the children were young, I worked three days a week and he did five. That meant we only needed paid childcare for one day a week. We both wanted the children to be breastfed for as long as possible.

Get up earlier than needed. Half hour for shower etc and I also do laundry and empty the dishwasher. Means when the kids get up I can be at their disposal.

Isn't that making a rod for your own back? I wake up when I've had enough sleep. If I'm hanging up laundry or emptying the dishwasher the kids need to wait until I've finished. I don't drop everything to attend to them as it drives the wrong behaviour in them.

If you don’t mind me asking, do you think their dad is neurodivergent or anyone else in your family?

Your routines sound brilliant. One of my DC has ADHD/aspergers and another is dyspraxia- they really benefit from having calm and routines in place, but I also have ADHD and find it hard to organise myself, never mind them! The mums I know with ADHD/ASD kids very often have ADHD themselves, so struggle themselves with executive function.

It doesn’t sound like the case for you though. Which is why I was wondering if there is another neurodivergent parent in the mix.

As it happens, my DM was super organised and is so different from me (although my DH always says he thinks she is autistic, so who knows!)

Agree, it's all about the decluttering! You waste so much time and energy looking for things or trying to tidy things away in overflowing cupboards.

If everything has a place it's a lot easier and looks much less chaotic. DC can be more independent too fetching their own things as they will know where they are.

Plus less stuff = less to tidy up, clean, wash, fold, whatever.

A decluttered home makes me 100% more zen.

I'm told we are a calm family. The key is all the stress goes before you do something. You over plan, over pack, over think. Then when you get there you're sorted and can relax. Bag of spare clothes for everyone in the boot of the car. Thermos of hot chocolate whenever you go out(British weather is unpredictable and no one likes feeling cold). Always have snacks on you. Tell the kids what the snack options are beforehand to reduce whinging. Set expectations before you go somewhere.

Best advice though is to set the example. You want the kids to play nicely and share, you go play nicely and share. Want the kids to entertain themselves calmly. Entertain yourself calmly. Also preempt any issues, so if the kids tend to get grumpy after two hours playing at the park, leave just before then. No point pushing them to do things they won't enjoy, just because you think they ought to be able to cope with it. You'll just all end up miserable.

I think we're fairly calm and organised and it's because I work part time so have the time to keep on top of everything. We also have a cleaner which makes a big difference.
I realise that many women (and men) can't work part time or don't want to. I'm lucky that I can and I want to. I enjoy the domestic side of life as much as work so I quite like having the time to get chores done in a fairly relaxed fashion.
If we both worked like my husband does (about 60 hours a week) we would be living in absolute chaos.

I am constantly amazed at how a clean and tidy house seems to make everything else easier. Our cleaner comes fortnightly and does a great job but I make sure something is done every day to keep it that way. Dh is pretty good about general tidying up and sorts out all the washing etc and also is v good at keeping the DC entertained while I'm doing other things.

But agree with others, for holidays, at least some ideas of what to do and when is important ahead of time. Booking in a few camps, spread out, gives you more flex on the days you're at home to feel like you don't have to rush around. Having a few activity ideas up your sleeve helps too and I'm learning to discuss these with the DC a few days before as otherwise there's endless discussion and arguments on the day and it all just gets a bit messy.

Ditto playdates. I love a playdate - it keeps the DC entertained and is often good time for me/Dh to get on with other chores or things. I now try to organise a few playdates for the holidays in advance.

I was never an organised mum, but we were always relatively calm. I remember my sil bringing everything but the kitchen sink if we ever went out for lunch with the kids and it was always a stress sharing out the crayons and the colouring books and the games, cards, snacks……..
I was more of a ‘here’s a biro and a napkin’, kind of person. As a result the kids were always quite chill.

We both work full time with one child.

Husband packs the nursery bag for the week to save faffing in the morning. I do the morning routine (up, dressed, take to nursery), husband does pick up and bath/story. I cook during bathtime, we eat after the child is down around 2030 and have a catch up. Chill time until bed, husband cleans down the kitchen.

We have a cleaner and a robo vac/mop so neither of us had to clean. All household stuff is ordered in bulk on a recurring Amazon set up, shopping online or one will pick up a few things after work. Weekends we are free to do what we want, not really a routine. I usually stick a wash on overnight and peg out in the morning, husbands puts it away when he gets home.

We both pull our weight, have equal downtime and I honestly don’t feel stressed at all!

We are and always have been 95% calm in our house.

When I was a kid, I used to be afraid to get out of bed in a morning because of my mum. She was and still is a shouter with anger and control issues. I didn't want that for my ds and so resolved to be calm.

Not saying that I never shout, but it is rare, I would much sooner talk through any issues than shout!

My DS is grown now, but when he was little we had a fairly good routine going and he knew where he was going when and more importantly what we expected from him.

That has carried on, both DH and I are planners and spend a few moments at the weekend discussing next week's plans, we add each other to appointments so that we know who is going to be where when, lunches for the week ahead are prepared on a Sunday afternoon, meal planning is done on a Thursday for week ahead, with shopping delivered on a Friday. DS writes his shifts on a blackboard so we know where he is when. I loosely follow the organised mum method for cleaning, meaning I keep on top of everything that way.

It took a while to set everything up, but now it runs like a well oiled machine resulting in less stress for everyone meaning our lives and home is calm.

Honestly this is probably my family you are describing, from the outside.

But on the inside it isn't actually all that calm. It takes a lot of planning, foreward thinking, and a lot of time tbh.

We have a 3 and 1 year old and both work FT. Every week we are planning pick ups, drops off, who is going where when and with who, meals, baths, days we are going out and days we are going to be at home doing jobs. Evenings after work are a blur of pick up, dinner, bath, bedtime, cleaning up and we finally sit down for some time together at around 8-9.

If you can afford one (I can't at the moment, thank you nursery bill!) cleaners take some pressure away.

We have just accepted this part of our lives is fairly chaotic but the planning and working together helps makes things run a little smoother.

Also - online food shops have been a big help for me given my closest big supermarket is 20 mins away, so shopping could turn into a 2 hour job.

Advance planning and anticipating pinch points is crucial.

This. I'm organised but not calm , but advance planning is a huge part of what makes things run smoothly here. Three kids. I also tend to be very routine-y - same shopping delivered on the same day each week, same repeat plans with friends, homework etc done on same days each week etc.

@SunnySideDow

Their dad isn't ND. We actually think I have ADHD. But I learnt organisation and advance planning and routine from my mum (if she says we're leaving at 9 we leave at 9. 5 minutes later and she gets very worked up and stressed. Unfortunately ive inherited that but am fighting against it).

I get very agitated if things are all over the place/nothing planned etc. So I combat that by having a very well organised home. I also spend a lot of time thinking about things (which is not always healthy) and making endless lists.

My other key tip is to do something when you fancy it. So if I want to write the list of clothes to take on the summer holiday in January, I do it then. And my mind can relax about that.

When I was a teenager I'd count how many things were in my handbag to check I hadn't forgotten anything (usually 4 things: purse, hairbrush, glasses, keys).

So many times I think Ive forgotten to shut the front door, that now I focus very hard when shutting and locking it so I know its done. When going on holiday I make DH stand with me watching me so I know he can reassure me later!

Honestly carrying the executive function for my 2 boys as well as me is exhausting me and Im currently taking anti anxiety meds. BUT the systems are in place at home to help me.

I think I have found my people on this thread. Yes to lists, yes to systems, routine and repetition for example pizza on Fridays, soup on Thursdays. Just takes the thinking out of it.

I met up with a friend the other day and she commented that my kids were so calm and everything seemed so easy. She just happened to catch them on a good day! So it may not be the full picture.

@SunnySideDow

Oh and recently I totally cracked at having to get myself ready as well as various household tasks in the morning PLUS clockwatching to tell my 11 year old when to move onto the next task.

So Ive put alarms on his phone Mon-Fri. DH wakes him at 5.45 and he's straight in the shower. He comes out and starts making breakfast. But his phone goes off at 6.05 to remind him about breakfast. 6.20 his phone alarm goes again to move on to next stage. And again at 6.35 for the final stage. And with minimal cajouling we get him out the house at 6.50am.

The alarms on his phone have changed my life!!!!

I am fairly organised but it didn't come easy to me, I had to learn it the hard way but these days it's all meal plans, activity wall planner etc. Like PPs I like to have a just in case bag, change of clothes, wipes etc. But we are not calm. Ds1 was always difficult and as a teen can be aggressive and does nothing around the house. He has ADHD, autism and traits of ODD and he fills a room with stress. DH is all over the place, disorganised, always late and can be highly strung / shouty but has gotten worse over the years. I was always outwardly calm but feel recently it's all been too much and I go through patches of being totally overwhelmed and during those periods all our planning falls apart. We are very different people because of our parenting experience. Other two DC have different personalities, one is ND but quite calm and we get along fine. But 5 of us together is a disaster.

I have friends who are like you describe and I was always jealous especially as their eldest is same age as mine but he is a strangely passive child and their second is quiet too but with a bit of personality. They go for family hikes and spend weekends gardening together as a family or going on a family cycle followed by family meal and family movie. I've been on hols with them and it's wierd, kids go along with any suggestion. I actually wonder how they will turn out. But for now life is fine and dandy. F**ers