On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

No other phone that I know of, he's just deleted them prior to Sunday

Yes he is, and I'm so sorry. if anything the 'no feelings and doesn't love her' is even more devastating because he's leaving you wondering, why throw away everything we have for something apparently meaningless?

Unfortunately (voice of bitter experience here) you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you now can't trust a word he says.

I recognise the anger and disbelief in your voice OP. My H said to me 'you want to hit me don't you' and I remember saying 'actually I want to poke you in the eye with a rusty nail' - the anger was off the scale. it was my 2nd marriage, and no signs of anything amiss at all. That's why I tell people not to be so sure it won't happen on their patch. You must do what is best for you , put yourself and children first and leave him to stew-

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

I agree with a PP send him home & tell your youngest that he has to go back to work.
Is there anyone that could fly out & join you for the remainder of the holiday, at his expense of course!!

I think there is a way to restore deleted messages on WApp? Someone might be able to advise but worth a shot?

But would it help? You know what he's done.

Was waiting for her age to appear.

Would it be any different then if he had fallen for a 40 year old.

@yepgoingforarun
No, I wouldn't because I'm not a fucking idiot.

however, that's a TOTALLY separate issue to you calling the OP a liar.

I’m sorry you are going through this. What a pig!

He should be ashamed for being so stupid to fall for a 29 year old. I'm livid for you

You can't help who you fall for (or what their age is). You CAN control what you do about that; which if you are happily married is nothing whatsoever.

You really do need to grow up.

I want to start by saying I’m so so sorry for the hell you are going through right now, it must be hell for you and your teenager especially.

Not that what he wants really matters right now, what you want and need is what really matters, however has he said where his head is at? Does he want to make the marriage work and begged for forgiveness? If you know what he wants, you at least can then work slowly on deciding where you want to go moving forward. Take your time and don’t make rash decisions in the heat of the moment.

You know what you need from your husband right now, if you need space, get him to give you space. Get him to take your 8 year old out for the day and give you time to think and process. If you need answers from him, tell him, tell him that as much as he might not want to talk about it, you need to know and need to talk about it. If he wants to save the marriage he has to be an open book and let you take the lead, whatever you need he gives you.

If you can afford it I’d book some counselling sessions now for once you are back to the UK, personally I’d avoid marriage counselling in the first instance (that can come later down the line once your head is a little more settled and if you feel the marriage can be saved) and get some solo sessions for just you. Having someone removed for the situation and emotionally uninvolved to talk to will help you get your thoughts sorted and also give you someone to vent to. It might help you see things more clearly.

I really hope your teenager can get some support too, are there group activities etc he can go off and do today on his own to give him some head space? Maybe water sports etc.

((((HUG))))
hurts like hell doesn't it 🤗
xx

He said he has no feelings for her. That he doesn't love her and that it was nothing and there were no onward plans. He said he loves me and wants to be with me forever.

Except he was willing to risk you and his family for something so meaningless. How insulting. Doesn't make it better whether it was meaningful or not. He risked YOU for it. And he did it for 6 months, it was hardly a one night lapse in sanity. It was planned, controlled and hidden and continuous.
And he's only 'ending' it (if he actually is) because you found out. So how does that fit into his on onward plans. how long was he going to keep screwing her for?

He had sex with you and then texted her to fucking apologise for texting her late. I can't even get my head around that.

The main thing is though OP, you don't have to make any decisions about anything right now. He is realising now what position HE is in. He is now facing the very really possibility of living in a bedsit. Losing all the privileges he had as a husband and needing to fend for himself. Thats his concern. Himself. Of course he wants to be with you forever. Now. But I bet theres little doubt he's been telling the OW how unhappy he is and how you live like housemates and effectively seperated and hes only there for the kids. She probably even thinks you have seperate rooms on holiday and hes only gone for the kids.

If you send him home, get his door keys off him. He has been shagging a work colleague. Let him run to her, rather than being able to do as he pleases at your house.

If he loved you, ....
he would not have been playing away,
he could have said no to her. He will now put all the blame on her.

He has been caught out and is trying to confess his dying love for you.

I would be telling him to fucking jog on - the loser.

@manipulatrice

i agree with this. At the height of emotion it's easy not to care about money & possessions because at the time they aren't the most important thing, BUT, on time they WILL be very important & they will be important to building a new life with your boys. Especially with a child with SEN, who will need more 'care' than your eldest, with less provision.

you need to make yourself care about that shit, even while your heart breaks. (I swear I could hear mine shattering)

He's a disloyal and immature wanker. He cheated on his ex wife and now he's cheated on you. Its him M.O. Instead of addressing an issue in your relationship and talking about his loneliness he decided to meet his needs with someone else.

It meaning nothing to him would have me raging because ultimately he's ruined your marriage for nothing. I'd feel that the married meant less than nothing to him. He's been led by his dick and hasn't given two shits about the consequences.

I would LTB ASAP. You can't trust him to go to work without flopping on someone. You can't go to work without him being lonely. Imagine if you got sick or needed support. He'd be snagging around the minute you turn your back.

I don't blame you for airing it on Facebook. Often these men slink off and come out smelling of roses. At least everyone knows what a dirty cheating shagger he is.

No feelings for her, he loves you.
I can't believe that old chestnut is still being trotted out by cheaters who get caught.
If he loved you, he wouldn't cheat.
No, it's called having your cake and eating it. Usually done by people who have no regard whatsoever for anyone but their own selfish, self absorbed selves.

@user1497782758 Are you under the illusion you can only have sex at night & do you really think 'cheating' is only the sex in person bit of it all?

But they don't do they.

They don't fall for women trapped in the drudgery of raising children. Their egos are so fragile they want younger without kids and complications of life.

FFS. Imagine being this pompous and self-righteous to a woman whose whole life has just collapsed a matter of hours ago. I can't believe you have the audacity to berate the OP for being upset that the woman her husband is having an affair with contacted him, and blew her world apart. How fucking dare you.

It's bad enough that he's cheated on you but what a bastard to just leave you crying alone. Bastard.

I think sometime if you uninstall watsapp and reinstall it then it will reinstall to the last backup. It depends how often the messages back up to what OP will be retrieved. Mine backs up daily but it only does it if I'm on WIFI and not mobile data but some people back up less often.

I'm so, so sorry OP. I completely understand how you're feeling, the hurt is like a physical pain. The worst bit was just wanting my husband to come and hug and comfort me but then he was the one who had done this to me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Allow yourself to feel all these feelings and I promise it does get better. I'm 3 years down the line now. Don't get me wrong there's still times when it hurts and I still don't understand how he could throw away something that I thought was so good - but it does get easier and feels less raw. You WILL get through this. Also, be kinder to yourself. You haven't failed at all. Imagine this had happened to a friend, you wouldn't tell then they'd failed so show yourself the same kindness. This isn't on you at all, it's nothing you have or haven't done, he's just an absolute shit person.

I wouldn't let him fly home, I'd just be worrying about what he was up to and if he was sneaking about with finances etc. I think I personally wouldn't be going home either - if I was going to feel like utter shit either way I'd rather do that in a nice holiday location rather than sat at home feeling miserable. But everyone is different so do what feels right for you. I'd be throwing the bastard's passport into the fucking sea though.

I can't believe people are actually judging you for replying to the OW. She had sex repeatedly with a man who she KNEW was married with kids. Yes it was his responsibility to not cheat but that makes her a disgusting shitty person too, she deserves everything she gets. Play shit games win shit prizes. You've done nothing wrong there.

Keep talking and just get through an hour at a time right now. Be kind to yourself 💐

They were on the same project. She's now moved so they won't work together and he claims this would've made it fizzle out because he had no reason to see her again.

This makes it worse! So it's inevitable that he'll shag someone if they work closely together? That it would 'fizzle out' only due to not working closely anymore?! Pathetic man, clearly no self-responsibility!!