On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

If I were you I would fly home early with the kids. That way, you have time to change the locks, consult a solicitor and move all the money out of your joint account before he gets back. Then you can inform him he's not welcome to come home.

You will also have nearly 2 weeks of leave to start to sort your head out, and the 15 year old will be around his friends. And maybe have some nice day trips for just the three of you.

You can, indeed, make sure he's delayed in coming home by chucking his passport in the sea. And maybe his phone while you're at it.

Unfortunately OP you now get to see the real him. Stay strong. Channel this anger.

I'd be hesitant to accept his offer of him leaving the holiday early. He'll go straight to the OP and you'll be giving him unfettered access to your home & finances. You call the shots now, not him.

I have his phone. It still works. Shockingly no one has text him and I know people have seen what's happened as all of my friends have begun to wake up and are reaching out.

The poster who said that he's left me crying and didn't even bother to conceal it, I've screen shot that. I needed that so badly.

Oh OP.

This made me cry. You poor, strong, amazing woman. You deserve so much better for you and your boys.

I'm so sorry your twat of a "D"H has treated you like this. You are far too good for someone like him. Hold your head up high and rise above the pain for a better,happier future for your family. We are all rooting for you ❤ 💖💙

Oh no, the poor abandoned man, who just had to have sex with another woman while his wife works to help pay the bills.
It's NOT your fault op, you must never, ever blame yourself, nor allow him to blame you either.
There is only one at fault and that's him and him alone. Not even the other woman, him. Why not the other woman? Because if he was a decent man who truly loved his wife and kids then he wouldn't even go down that path, even if the other woman threw herself at him naked with a rose between her teeth.
I have no advice to give on your current situation as you're on holiday and powerless to do anything until you return home. However, once home I would be kicking his sorry arse into the long grass and taking everything I could.
You worked hard for what you have while he took the piss so I would be claiming everything that I'd worked for, and more.
Good luck.

Who was looking after the 8-year-old while he was cheating, if you work nights?

Hes not the man you thought he was though. He's not even trying to comfort you and even lie to you is he. Please take others advice, on the money front. I know your emotions are all over the place just now. In a few days you wonted feel the same, believe me. I've been there like many others. Once the anger sets in you, ll fight for everything your due. Best of luck lovely.

@manipulatrice I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. Your pain is palpable through the internet and no one deserves to hurt like this.

You did nothing wrong. You were everything but there was something lacking inside him that made him seek out pleasure and validation with another person. He is weak, pathetic and he WILL regret this one day. He will see how you have moved on and that you are happy and will feel a deep sadness he isn't part of that.

Can you get your mum to gather anything important in your house you don't want him to get his hands on and then send him home?

You and your boys can then use whats left of the holiday to just be together and mourn the loss of the man you thought he was.

You don't have to deal with anything else right now other than getting him gone. You can't start healing while he is in another room hurting you more by ignoring the pain he's caused.

He was going away on my days off. He was FaceTiming her for a wank when I was on nights

I'm not a regular contributor on here (I'm not a Mum), but posted a question on here yesterday for the first time, and whilst reading the responses have just seen this post and felt I HAD to say something. What a painful read and I can't tell you how sorry, sorry, sorry I am that this has happened to you. Wishing you strength and courage to get through this shocking time. You will find a way through and you really won't feel this way forever, though right now nobody is going to be able to convince you of that :-(

I agree 100% with what this poster said below:

"how utterly awful for you all. I can only conclude that you’re DH has compartmentalised here. So many ‘happy’ men, and some women do. Happy home life, good sex life etc and they still do this! It’s literally having their cake and eating it. Also, a huge arrogance that they won’t get caught. Can you spend the day with the kids and try and block him out whilst you process this. Just go quiet and cold and say you’re focusing on your family? It would be a real fake it till you make it moment. He will be panicking and seeing you being strong and potentially moving on without him will show his true colours"

Just awful @manipulatrice . I have no words other than to say I’m so very sorry. 💐

I've cancelled my SO into the joint account so all the money I earn is mine this month.
Bills are paid. Nothing else joint tbh. I have my own savings.

I have my PP and driving licences here. Not sure what other paper work he wants to take given the chance.

You haven't failed at life OP. He has. He's failed at being a husband, failed at being a father, failed at being a step-father and failed at being a decent human being. This is on him.

If I had replied to her, I'd have said something about him being late to text because you were having amazing holiday sex. & if he's spun her some line about you no longer having sex, he's lied to her too.

Absolutely this. He’s let everyone down including himself and he’s the one who’ll have to look in the mirror and own it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What an absolute punch to the gut at the worst possible time.

Be a bit kinder to yourself though. Your entire world was just turned upside down and of course you will have an emotional response to that. It’s okay for the kids to see that too (within reason) because actions have consequences.

Honestly, he needs to go back home if you don’t want to. You need distance from each other. Youngest might have additional needs but if the two of you are splitting up anyway then best he goes and you find an age appropriate explanation as to why.

And he is an utter shitbag.

Just want to add OP, be prepared for 'the script'. the next stages can be so brutal. He might start saying things like he never loved you, was never happy etc. Its all lies. He'll try to rewrite history to make himself feel like less of an arsehole. He has already tried to blame you because you work nights ffs. He May even threaten to kill himself when he enters his 'feel sorry for myself' stage. Just blank it all out.

The ONLY thing coming out of his mouth at any point in the future should be sorry.

There should be no 'but I was xyz', no 'but you were xyz'. No 'I feel so sorry for myself' tripe. Nothing other than sorry and 100% total ownership of what he did. If he starts trying to justify anything, walk away and shut him out.

Good for you lovely sorting so out. You, re already taking back control. Stay strong for you and your kids.

He said he has no feelings for her. That he doesn't love her and that it was nothing and there were no onward plans. He said he loves me and wants to be with me forever.

But he's lying right? As why is he still texting her?

And she hasn't even attempted to contact him at all.

Yep this is what might come next. My ex dh did this. He even then had a “breakdown” which consisted of him downing a bottle of vodka and posting suicidal stuff on Facebook and then disappearing for the night. Then he went to the doctors and had the mental health team round and we sat there whilst he told them he needed me to be supportive 😳 - I was done by then and oddly enough once he moved out 2 weeks later all his mental issues seemed to miraculously disappear (of course he probably told everyone it was my fault)!

I suspect in your case op he’s probably been telling the ow how difficult his life is with a child with additional needs and how he felt he couldn’t leave you because of that situation etc etc - I can almost hear it now. That’s why she knows about your kids and is asking about them without shame. Arsehole.

I'm so sorry OP.

To the people saying Op doesn't need to lie about how she came across the messages are just ridiculous.

It doesn't matter HOW she found out, whether she was snooping or not. Does it matter, no need to try and call her out on it. Have some compassion.

OP, I don't know what to suggest, I don't know what i'd do in your position.

Can you ask him to find another room for him to give you some space?

Does he have another phone without roaming? Just you said there was nothing before Sunday

Could you tell your 8 year old that something important has come up at his work and that he needs to go back? That we you can stay there but he goes home and gives you space?

I’m so sad for you.

However. This is a HUGE plaster that needs ripping off. Whether you do it now and go home or later, your 8 year old is still going to wonder what’s happening.

The worry is that DH will seek to justify his behaviour, maybe try and shift the blame to you, and try and say it was all a mistake and how he loves you and is sorry.

Rip off the plaster now. Arrange flights home.
Explain as best you can to your 8 year old - whenever you tell him/her, their world will be changed.

Best of luck. X

Strength and courage OP. I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. Purely from a practical point are you able to remotely access accounts via mobile / tablet and move half of money from joint account and any other accounts. I know it's a horrible thing to have to think about, but you need to protect yourself and your children financially. I wouldn't let the scumbag fly home early and have unfettered access to accounts and to your home.