On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

Yes my love, he's lying.

if she truly meant nothing to him & because the project was ending he wouldn't be seeing her anymore (yeah right she lives/works where his project is, so it wouldn't have changed much) then why was he sending her photos while sitting next to you & why did he apologise for being late to text her?? Seriously, does he think you came down in the last shower???

He might not live her & they might not have had future plans, BUT you read messages, you know he cared & you know she did, she asked how his kids were, you don't bother with that shit if it's just sex.

Does he have another device?

there might be a hidden app on his phone where she's messaging. He might have called her from another phone.

You say that you're not worried about finances and possessions now. But you will be soon so please don't agree to anything in the neat of the moment and make sure that you safeguard yourself and your future.

@user1497782758

Who was looking after the 8-year-old while he was cheating, if you work nights?

What a bizarre question to ask someone.

You do realise people can cheat before sundown, yes?

Good, now he will have to face up to what he did when he gets home. When my first husband cheated on me and I found out I told his oldest and best school friend what he did. He has never spoken to exh since. Exh also lost most of our joint friends too. He got upset because he stopped being invited out to events eg bbq's but I still got invited. When I eventually found a new partner he was invited with me and exh was raging. Don't let your husband sweet talk his way back. He had sex with you and his first thought was to text her, don't forget that. When you get back start divorce proceedings.

@manipulatrice

He said he loves me and wants to be with me forever

tell him he should have thought about that BEFORE he had an affair. Tell him he can 'want' all he likes, but it's YOUR call, now, not his!! He can't expect ir demand you forgive him.

He's full of his own importance. If he was genuinely sorry & loved you, he'd answer any questions you gave, NOT tell you he's given you enough.

Please ignore people whose only contribution was to say you were snooping or that you had no right to contact the other woman- I can only conclude they have the manners of an alley cat too. I have several friends who found themselves in this position and only got to the truth by turning themselves into 007 and snooping. When you are married and your finances are therefore totally linked then as far as I'm concerned you have every right to know what's going on behind your back- if it affects you and your security.

I’m so sorry 😞 you have every right to be angry/sad/petty and anything else in between.
No advice but sending a handhold 💐
One day it won’t hurt this bad promise 🙏🏼

On your days off, when he was meant to be at work, he was in fact booking days off and spending it with her?

Haha he would deserve that. Of course you don't know what could have happened to it.

Yes, 100%. I think you said he has been divorced before? That you have not? In that case, he knows exactly what to expect and do now. Do not send him home alone. You will be at a complete disadvantage.

I would leave him with your youngest, joint DC and go back with 15 year old. ASAP.

I say this as I think you are in a place aimed at children and he should step up and take responsibility for the youngest here. He is going to have to do sole parenting shortly (if you chose to divorce, which you shoul)

Not everyone snoops.

My exhusband handed me his phone to show me something. Sadly for him it was at the exact moment a message from his slag mistress came through.

Ok Ann

I honestly don't care about the money side. He can move every penny he likes, I care not. It's just money and material shit, none of it is important. .

for your children’s sake, you need to start caring about money. And fast

OP's husband said he cheated because he was lonely when she was working nights, so I don't think it's 'bizarre' to make the assumption that he was with the other woman at night.

Glad I could clear that up for you :)

Yes it was a relevant question.

could make the affair even more horrific is he was leaving his 8 year old to be with her

Some posters are determined to see shadows in any post that isn’t just like theirs

My heart keeps breaking for you 💔 he is showing his true colours. He hasn't even checked in on you, whilst you've been crying in the other room. He is pathetic to the core. Pathetic for having his head turned and acting on it, pathetic for having an affair, pathetic for trying to blame you for not giving him enough attention, pathetic for not showing an ounce of decency and trying check in on you.

You are a strong, independent, hard working woman and a true role model to your children. You deserve so much better than this. Lean on your friends who have reached out to you 💛 I'm just so sorry.

One DC is 15, the other 8. Dad has to pop out sometimes, would not be either a) a massive issue or b) a huge problem.

I think in your shoes I would be going home. And I'd be taking everyone, including the husband with me.
No way should he go home and get two weeks with his OW, and time to get his mumsnet trademark ducks in a row whilst you are stuck abroad with two shell shocked children!

I'm so sorry OP-it's an awful situation and an awful way to find out

I’m so sorry this has happened, what an awful, awful thing for you and your children to go through, and what a shit he is.

I would echo what others have said about the finances. It’s great that you’ve cancelled the SO to the joint acct, but there are more things to consider. Even if nothing else is ‘joint’ in name, you are married so a court will view all property as joint. That doesn’t mean a 50/50 split however, especially when children are involved (assuming children would remain with you, you would likely end up with the lion’s share). BUT don’t underestimate his ability to hide finances, move things around, and so on (former solicitor here, I have seen this happen A LOT) - once money has disappeared, there’s not much anyone can do to prove it existed or locate its whereabouts. You need to be sure you know what’s what do you can get your share and make sure the kids are provided for.

Not trying to scare you here, but he has had six months to potentially anticipate this, while you have been completely blindsided. He has had time (whether or not he’s actually used it) to make plans. Good luck, and hugs to you and your kids x

I suppose most affairs must be conducted in the daytime. But your question makes sense, @AnnWithoutAnnie because he was probably talking to ow while OP was at work. It really makes you feel sick just thinking about it. So sad for OP and the children.

Yes, 100%. I think you said he has been divorced before? That you have not? In that case, he knows exactly what to expect and do now. Do not send him home alone. You will be at a complete disadvantage.

I would leave him with your youngest, joint DC and go back with 15 year old. ASAP.

I say this as I think you are in a place aimed at children and he should step up and take responsibility for the youngest here. He is going to have to do sole parenting shortly (if you chose to divorce, which you shoul)

1 - such a valid point about him knowing what to expect from his previous divorce.

2 - I would be incredibly surprised if any mother would leave any child behind, long haul holiday or not, especially with the man that has been living a lie for the last 6 months. Never mind the fact there is zero trust there anymore to rely on him looking after his child properly, this is just a ridiculous suggestion to leave a child behind on holiday. They are not a burden, they are a person.

First three paras were a quote from someone else - not my own thoughts!!!

@user1497782758

you think you're being clever, you're not. You're detailing the OP's thread with you immature stupidity. Please stop.

yes he was lonely at night, they chatted, had phone/FaceTime sex & intimacy then actual sex on her days off . Anything else you need an adult to explain to you?

Feel for you, what should be making happy family memories turned into a nightmare.
Being abroad is worse as you are stuck in the situation without support.
Nothing will be gained by staying, don't kid yourself.
You need to get pro active to change the status quo which isn't helping anyone.
For you and the kids.
Keep ( D)H in the dark about your actions.
Contact airline/tour operator to rebook 3 of you.
You might have to say why to get empathy/free rebook/help from airline/tour op, usually people push the boat out when they can relate to a situation.
Or if near airport take an uber and try to speak to
an airline/tour rep there, if it's a scheduled flight staff are present around 4 hours bef take off.
Once you have flights sorted I'd try to leave when he's gone out and get through security before he finds out you're gone. His passport might have accidently been packed 😬.
Get a headstart back home.

Sending him home is way too easy for him as a get away from
the mess HE , not you , caused situation.

Try and get through everything day by day, it's too overwhelming to take in more than small time frames.

Little steps till you get stronger.
Wishing you well 💐

It is very relevant because it would mean that he put his young son at risk by going out to meet her FGS