On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

I'd stick out holiday, brave face for little one. You can keep an eye on him, you don't want him going home and clearing out your house. Plenty time for you to think out your next step. Keep your cards close to your chest, let him shit himself wondering your next move.

I agree with this. Protect your finances too by transferring at least 50% of your shared money into an account only you have access to. 🌹

I'm so sorry. What an awful situation. My feeling so that if your son knows, I would go home. The holiday is already ruined. For him, living out this holiday with the tension of this broken relationship and not being in the familiar surroundings of home and being able to access friends and wider family, at 15 I would think would be hard and toxic. It's a long time to string things out and have him immersed in that atmosphere with no let up. And for you too of course. I would arrange to go back to the refuge of home. Leave your (D)H there or leave him to make his own arrangements so that you don't merely transplant the immediate tension back home with his presence. At least give yourself some days with him 'not' at home, so you can breathe and think.

@manipulatrice maybe your partner could return home with the youngest (seeing as that’s his bio son)? Alternatively, he could take his son out for the day everyday whilst you take your eldest out. You and your 15 year old should spend time together. You could cut the holiday short by a few days. Him jetting off home or moving to a different hotel is him copping out of parenting duties. This would be really shit considering his son has special needs!

I asked him why and what his problem is, and he has no real answer

It's YOUR fault because you works nights and didn't give diddums enough attention!

He'll carry on with this narrative OP so be aware of that, he's already started with the gaslighting and the Script ("she didn't mean nothing"..."it would've just fizzled out"!) yeah right!

Men are often led with their dicks unfortunately and will go after the first snifter of attention they get from another woman. It is no reflection on you or anything you have done, they just get a bit of a thrill from it. He hasn't even attempted to cover his tracks has he? What a fool, but at least this means you've found out sooner rather than later.

Your anger emanates from the page Op and personally I would rather see responses like yours than women who dilly-dally around asking if it's their fault and how do you get over it etc? The truth is you won't, and you seem to know this already. You sound strong and "together". This is the worst of it, it'll get better and in a year or two you'll look back and thank the lord you looked at his phone and got away from the cheating prick. You'll probably remember little things that make you realise your relationship wasn't that perfect either.

Stay strong Op, look after yourself and when you get home tell all your friends and family what he's done - it'll make it easier to forge ahead with your new life with your dc's if everything is out in the open.

I'm so sorry.

And tbh I'm sick of this shit that the other woman isn't accountable- she slept with a married man! That is morally in the gutter as far as I am concerned. Yes, he was the married one and what he has done is infinitely worse, but why does the woman in this scenario get no judgement!?!
You have to be a real piece of shit to cheat on your partner, but imo you also have to be a real piece of shit to sleep with someone in a relationship.

@yepgoingforarun

what a bitchy comment.

taking a photo on a phone that's handy then wanting the photo on your own
phone is hardly unusual in relationships.

@yepgoingforarun if you are just 'snooping' you're hardly going to choose to do it at the beginning of a long haul holiday with 2 kids & no support are you. Come on now.

It might be easier for your youngest if you go home. They will be picking up on some of the tension, and being surrounded by their familiar belongings and placed may add a level of security and support for them at this time.

Your 15 year old will have friends to reach out to at home too.

Is there a rep at where you are staying? I'd plead an emergency at home and see if you can get flights back arranged. At the very least, I'd make him leave.

No good will come from 2 weeks in enforced captivity like you are.

Thinking further for you in case it's helpful. You are quite rightly exhausted, angry and feeling broken. In a few days you will I'm sure pick yourself up and be able to raise yourself to leave him scrabbling around in his own cesspit. In the meantime, I would, for now, delete that post you've changed. If you still want to do that in a couple of days then of course do so. But in the meantime my feeling is that it's better changed, as it was done when you are feeling highly charged. It's better, I think, not to be the subject of local gossip, which is what that will fuel. For your DC, and your ability to rise above what he has created, don't join in with the low stuff. (I say that having gone through those feelings when I had the same thing happen to me but I also worked that the workplace...It's devastating I know. But better to remain the elegant one.. 😘 )

Agreed

but if you were having an affair and conducting that over your phone… would you allow full and unfettered access to your phone?!

No judgement btw! He’s a despicable rat

I didn't want to justify that stupid comment by acknowledging it but what the hell. There is always one on every thread who has to bitchplop what they think is a terribly clever snidey little comment. To what end who knows? Maybe they're just a really inadequate little nobody who can only make it through the day by showing off their lacklustre personality?
OP you are stronger than you think. You will get through this. It will be ok. Of course you don't think that now but you will. I promise you will.

And organise an std check for yourself. You can’t trust him not to lie, and even if he did use protection there are things a condom can’t protect you from.

(sorry)

I agree with this. Especially about him not going home without you. I don't know how you do it but you get the most out of this holiday. It will be the biggest game of make believe but you are doing it for your youngest.

Even give him hope you can reconcile, keep him onside because if he can screw another woman he is certainly capable of screwing you financially

Not a chance I’d be ending the holiday early.

I would ask to meet urgently with rep. Be full and Frank and explain situation and how untenable for you and your children, and ask to be urgently transferred but for him not to be notified

He had deleted everything prior to Sunday. Why he kept from Sunday onwards I just don't know.

My phone, as I was the pack horse, was stuck at the bottom of the phone under all the other charges and other shit in my tiny bag, so I just grabbed the first one which was his and thought "bonus, I can just send them to myself" so I could send to my mum whilst waiting for them both to return.

I honestly don't care about the money side. He can move every penny he likes, I care not. It's just money and material shit, none of it is important.

I owe nothing on credit. I work full time. The rest is just noise and possessions and I don't care as long as the boys are ok. I would live in a cardboard box if we were happy.

I agree with this. Too right you should lose your shit at both of them. Ok, so you don't know her, but she knew he had a wife and children.

He is more accountable, but she is still accountable.

I'm so sorry OP, your world must be crashing down, and the one person you thought would protect you from that is the one who caused it all. You have already found your anger, and good on you. Don't worry about changing his profile picture, why the fuck shouldn't you! He didn't care about you so why should you care about his bloody reputation. Say it as it is!

I hope you get some sleep, at least so you can deal with the kids. Not sure what to suggest, being on holiday makes it so much harder as I imagine you don't want to even be breathing the same air as him right now.
If you want him gone, tell him to get a flight and go. You should call ALL the shots now and he needs to be doing exactly what you want when you want it. Can you tell the little one he has to go back to work urgently, some sort of work emergency? Failing that, i'd tell him to get another room and then he can take the little one out to some places on his own (tell little one you are not well?) just try and manage it until you can get home.

He has ruined your holidays and your childrens holiday, and all your lives, for what? Apparently someone who means nothing to him! Jesus.
And if you want to punch him in the face, its the least he deserves. I'd say go ahead. It won't be a fraction of the pain you are feeling right now. If he stays on the holiday, i'd also be taking his phone. Petty, but hell, he clearly isn't responsible enough to use it.

In fact if you get through the holiday and he is still there, I'd through his fucking passport in the sea on the last day, leave and let him deal with the headache of getting himself home. And while he does that, get your ducks in a row at home before he returns.

You sound, from your updates, like an incredibly strong person. You may not feel it, but you've already found your anger. You'll get through this, just take it hour by hour and day by day. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I just want my husband back. The man that let me be me and made me so happy.
The man I still swoon over. Who I belly laugh with. Who's hand I hold to fall asleep. The man who made me believe in men again.

He's in the other room. I've been crying for hours and he's just left me in here. I know he can hear me crying and he's just left me.

How can I already feel like he is a stranger? It's like I don't know who he is.

Oh OP i'm so sorry your going through this :-(

I would live in a cardboard box if we were happy. money doesn't matter

No, you need to snap out of this. Money doesn't make you happy but having none makes you miserable. You have a child with SN and a man that doesn't care enough to be faithful and thus can't be trusted to step up. Your ability to work may in the future be compromised. I'm not saying this to make you feel worse but because your emotions at the moment are overwhelming.

A stranger on a forum was very blunt with me in a similar situation, I made better choices because of them

It sounds like he's checked out OP. Has he shown any genuine remorse?

He's pissed off you've found out - now he won't be having his cake and eating it anymore and also he's probably worrying about everyone knowing what a twat he is and the fallout from it. He'll probably start trying to do damage Limitation soon to get you to keep quiet.

Maybe you are now just seeing the real him?

I just want my husband back. The man that let me be me and made me so happy.

But that man was a lie OP. That man was a romanticised ideal. You now know who he really is. A sleazy shit that screws women that don't mean anything to him. A man who leaves his wife sobbing and distraught on a family holiday.
A man so casual with his screwing around that he didn't even bother to conceal evidence.
Now you see the real him. You don't have time to mourn for what you think you've lost. Get yourself and the kids home (this is not a good for them to witness) and start to plan your future.

100% this

He's already screwed you over, he won't hesitate to do it again.

It sounds a complete nightmare. I'm so sorry. What a bastard. Weak pathetic excuses about being lonely. I'm not going to slag him off further because that won't help you.