On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

I am disgusted for you OP and fully behind your actions, how very petty. What a shitty thing to do to you and your family. Draw strength from your anger.

How ever petty I meant to say! I would have done the same.

You need to rebook your flights and get home.

To get through until that point you need to try and take yourself away from him as much as possible. Is there a day out of attraction your kids really wanted to go to?
If so I'd do that today. Get out ) without him obviously) get distracted put it in a box as much as possible for a few hours, preferably before he finds out about FB.

You are in an awful situation but you need to protect the kids as much as possible. Being together in a small apartment isn't possible.

Try and sort the logistics and channel your energy into that for now and see if you can sort the kids going to friends or family for a day or so when you get back because you need to be able to rant, rave, cry without them there.

So sorry this has happened but you will get through it x

I'm going to try and sleep for a few hours so I can function.

Thank you all for just being here. I had no one to talk to. It's all just in my head and I couldn't get it out.

If you’re where I assume you are, there are lots of options for transportation - Uber, lyft, buses - so for the sake of your youngest I’d tell him dad has Covid or something and get out there and try and salvage what you can of your holiday.

I would imagine the kids have looked forward to this for a long time and it’s a shame to let his shitty behaviour ruin it. There’s plenty of time when you get home to try and start to process it; if you’re up to gritting your teeth and powering through the next two weeks, you and they might even end up having fun in spite of him.

He can’t be the sharpest tool in the box. In fact, quite the opposite.

He allows his wife full access to his phone and his social media.

the phone ob which he communicates with his OW.

not just a cheater, a throughly moronic one at that

You can say whatever the fuck you want about her. She's not your husband but she knew what she was doing and she knew he was married. If you're going to fuck someone that's married then be prepared for an angry wife and a fallout. Absolute bullshit that you can't be angry with her too.

Im sorry you're going through this. It all just fucking sucks. Has he presented what he wants? Like is he begging for forgiveness and wants to work on the marriage or is he saying he wasn't to leave and be with OW or being a spineless and waiting for you to choose so he won't end up with zero women?

i completely agree, there both rotten toads.

@manipulatrice so she had messaged him asking him how his kids were? That shows the injustice of the situation your shithead of a husband has created for you. The fact that she knows stuff about your life but you know fuck all about her. You didn't even know of her existence until recently.
I know there are much, much bigger issues than this, but this is going to be one issue that will hang around in your head I think.
I would want him to tell me exactly everything she knows about you.
He has really betrayed you and he needs to be made aware of that.

Seriously you don't need to worry about being petty or undignified. Nothing wrong in what you've done.

come home. Rebook flights for you and the children and leave him out there. Just come home and call ahead to your mum to come and meet you at the airport. Stay out of the family home for a few days until your head is cleared.

start planning now. You can cry and grieve , but for now you have to get savvy.

Ah OP, I've been through something similar many years ago. Was on holiday with partner and he left his phone with me while he went for a run. It started pinging with all these messages and it was obvious something was going on - except these messages were from other men. I can only guess he was tired of his double life and wanted me to know otherwise why would he leave an unlocked phone with me knowing he was quite likely to get messages? Obviously the whole thing blew up but I clearly remember all the feelings, the sickness, the rage, the questions, the sense of failure and in my case wondering if he'd been using me all along as a 'cover' to hide his sexuality.

I had to stick out the holiday as there were limited flights back but I moved into a different room and those few days were massively helpful while I processed the shock of it all. By the time we flew home I knew what I had to do.

Yours is more complicated because of the DC but I think if you can pack him off to another hotel (with him seeing your little one but otherwise not doing anything together as a family), the time apart might give you the space to work out your next steps. Or you might just want to go home. But my thoughts are with you as I remember the despair of this all too well. There is hope on the other side!

What a massive fucking wanker OP! There is no enjoyment left to staying on this holiday, even though I'm sure it was much looked forward to. Your 15 year old son knows everything and is now in a situation like a pressure cooker, where you're all together for 14 days. Don't send husband home, he will just keep shagging OW knowing you aren't in the country and it will give him time to alter finances / hide money etc.
make him book the flights and get back to your mom. You need support.
You are not a failure , he is a massive prick and has thrown away your lovely family to get his end off ! Feel enraged for you OP

That's awful and him pushing it straight onto you because you work nights is the ultimate in minimising and taking zero responsibility for his feckless self. I'd happily thump him for you too.

If you will be ok then he might as well piss off.

Doesn't really matter if he goes to the ow does it?

Would he move out before you get back?

I'm so sorry, and i think you did the right thing at every turn.
I don't get when posters say its snooping when the woman checks something suspicious but it's never regarded that way if the man does it.
Investigating and snooping are basically the same, but ones used to shame someone and keep them in a box as 'just as bad' instead of dealing with the truth that 30sec of 'snooping' discovered 6 months of lying, sex and cheating.

Dont let him go home before you. It'll give him time to pull things together like finances etc and take advantage x

Am so sorry but please believe me it is not you who has failed. He is just a selfish idiot.

The same thing happened to me over 10 years ago. I was trapped in a ski resort with 2 young kids.

I now look back on that moment as the day my life changed for the better. A truly pivotal moment.

Yes separating was messy and hard - but I am so much happier now. Life has turned out so much better than the one I was living before.

Take care of yourself. It will all be ok in the end.

@manipulatrice

I would stay on the holiday and I wouldn't want him going home early either, but I do think it could be a good idea to ask him to find another room for at least a few nights, if not the rest of the holiday.
If that's not possible, then him sleeping on the sofa will have to do.
I would use this time to think by having time away from him during the day; maybe leaving the youngest with him and you and your 15yo having some days out together just the 2 of you. I think some time alone would also be good, if your 15yo would be okay being left to his own devices for the day/afternoon.
I know this is probably easier said than done, but I'd try to ignore your oh for now and concentrate on yourself so you can start to work through your feelings.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions about leaving or staying just yet. Process what's happened 1st, and give yourself time, so that you can come to the right decision for yourself (and your dc).
Whether your decide to leave or stay, no one has the right to judge you for that. Do what's best for you, and you alone.

💐🌺🌻

For the moment he has little access to everything so if you can get on top of contacting a solicitor, taking screenshot s of finance info, get someone to put your marriage cert and documents at home somewhere safe. Then he won't have chance to start the inevitable disappearing of assets and covering his actions.

It really is on him, no matter his little bleats about you having to work.

Everytime I close my eyes I just replay it all in my head.

I can't breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I’m not suprised, you’ve had a massive shock and been betrayed on the highest level. I so hope you manage to sleep and eat. Stay strong op. I’m secretly hoping someone dumps a bottle of nair on his head and gives it a good rub in.

OP this is horrific I am so sorry. Every day I lose a bit more faith in the men of this world. I few months ago my world was whipped out from under me in a similar way. I discovered that my husband has been up to all sorts of sh*t behind my back for years. I had no idea, I felt like someone had punched me in the guts and that night I felt like I was in a house with a complete stranger. The man I though I knew, I loved, ceased to exist.
We have 2 kids, I knew I had to end the marriage then and there but I felt like I was ruining their lives too (and he tried to make me feel that as well). He tried to tell me that if I could just forgive him, try again, then it would be better for the children.

I saw through him though, no way would I let him put that on me. Like your husband, his actions are what has caused this. Not yours. You must not feel like you are ruining anyone's life. Your husband has done that.
For what its worth, my ex has now moved out, the kids are coping really well and so am I.
You WILL get through this I promise. You will be ok. I've been where you are not so very long ago. Even down to being sick when I tried to eat, it is just the most horrible time. We're here for you.

So sorry OP, but atleast now you know what hes really like and arnt going to waste anymore of your time with this absolute waste of space. I dont blame you for messaging the other women and think you did well for only saying what you did! If i were you i'd maybe say your husbands got to go home for an urgent work problem to your youngest and make him leave, he can tell him he'll make it up to him when he gets back, take him to a theme park or something your son really wants to do. Then you stay, enjoy your boys, keep yourselves busy and try to get your head around this in the sun 🌞