On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

Agreed, but I don't ever think it's acceptable to call women whores and sluts, those are words used to shame women only for having sex and it's not on.

There is no shame in men or women having sex, nothing shameful about it. There is plenty to be ashamed about by agreeing to knowingly have sex with married men unless they have a consensual open marriage. There is a very simple word that would prevent the heartache for all concerned and that word is NO!

None of that makes it acceptable to call a woman a whore.

And the married man does not have to cheat on his wife, you know. It works both ways. The "heartache" could be avoided by the married man choosing not to shag someone else in the first place.

It's not ok for a woman to go after a married man, but we need to hold men to the same standards as women. All this "poor vulnerable lonely man seduced by the evil woman" bullshit is tiring.

Bringing this thread back on track from the ‘who’re’ discussion.

OP my marriage was at the best place it had ever been (so I thought) when my DH decided to behave like a fucking dog with two dicks. I have PTSD from the utter shock and betrayal. It sounds like you are in a similar situation, with things seeming really good as a couple and a family and this happening to you, so please please when you are home, get some therapy to work through this. I didn’t at the time and I wish I had. It’s taken me 15 years to begin to try and trust anyone ever again and pull my self esteem off the floor.

I am sending you all the strength in the world to get through this. It’s absolutely fucking shit and it’s HARD.

Obviously married men who seek out women for sex are totally wrong, especially if there are children concerned. I believe the onus is on the woman to refuse. This does put a lot of responsibility on a woman's shoulders to stay clear of propositions from married men and definitely not encourage them. Ultimately a woman should accept that by going ahead with an afair she should also accept a high proportion of blame for breaking up a family. This does not mean I support men who cheat on their partners. It simply means what I still say, women should say no.

men are "totally wrong"

women are "whores" and "I prefer you are a dirty, scheming heartless slag with no conscience."

You really can't see your sexist misogyny? If women are whores and slags then MEN ARE TOO!

Why is the onus on the woman to refuse? Why isn’t it on the man to keep it in his pants?

The person who is married is always more to blame IMO.

@sunshineandshowers4

I believe the onus is on the woman to refuse.

You can't at least pretend you believe men and women should be equally responsible?

You actually believe the onus should be on 'the woman to refuse'?

Good grief.

Women who think like you are actually a gift to the kind of men who cheat. Your attitude allows them to escape full accountability for their own actions.

After all, the onus should be on the temptresses who seduce them while they can't possibly be expected to resist, right? 🙄

The sheer, intense, venomous hatred @sunshineandshowers4 has for women is truly palpable. They're either a male, or a woman who was done wrong so thinks simpering for men and attacking all women as succubuses is acceptable.

Shocking, isn't it?

I don't know what's more depressing, the idea a man would seek out a predominantly female site and post such misogynist vitriol... or the idea a woman is such a raving misogynist herself.

I'm sorry OP, it's totally shit and nothing anyone says can make it less shit. Don't listen to anymore of his reasoning or excuses, they are just bullshit. He chose to lie and cheat and he's a scumbag. End of.

Years ago I was cheated on (repeatedly, for ages), and realised that loads of our mutual 'friends' had known about it and never told me. That was as difficult as what he had done to me, finding out that people I liked and respected were probably whispering behind my back and didn't have the guts to tell me what was going on.

Something you may be faced with is the fact that some of his friends and family aren't going to be as disgusted with his behaviour as you think or hope. It's tempting to think he will be shunned for what he did to you, but it often doesn't happen like that.
He is their friend/ son/ brother and they will defend him, or at least partially ignore it. It's hard to deal with, because you want them to be furious and punish him, but often they will just carry on being his friend or acquaintance because it suits them. Just a heads up.

Of course married men deserve utter contempt for their lack of respect and should be tarred with the same brush. This thread though is very obviously avoiding the part women play in infidelity and calling them out on it. I'm simply addressing it from both sides and still believe the power is with women when propositioned by married men to just say no. This is not sexist.

@sunshineandshowers4

I'm simply addressing it from both sides and still believe the power is with women when propositioned by married men to just say no. This is not sexist.

Women have 'the power to just say no' of course, nobody has denied that.

It's the fact you think 'the onus is on women to say no' (making the final accountability theirs, not the man's) that is absolutely, unequivocally sexist.

HTH.

As you wish 🤔🤷‍♀️

If you had read even a tenth of the thread, you'd know it in no way is avoiding the part women play in infidelity and calling them out on it. In fact, on the contrary.

However your dangerously toxic hatred of women, even using hateful sex slurs, while saying nothing equally as bad as men, shows you think men don't have equal responsibility. Men have the power not to proposition women. Men are less vulnerable than women and men are more powerful, and these men, are the ones who exchanged vows. 99% of the responsibility and onus is on the men.

As a woman, I can assure you I have no hatred of women. I admit I hold a lot of disdain for what 'some' women are capable of putting their fellow women through. My own husband was literally stalked by a stunning woman in the past who was desperate to start a relationship. I've never known the pain of adultery and my heart goes out to those who do. I do know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this type of behaviour albeit not successful. I see my own personal responses as a natural reaction to something that could be avoided. I have no respect for married men who cheat and exploit women and my thoughts are with all on this thread who have suffered this pain.

If my posts come across to 'some' that I have a hatred of women I'm sorry, even though nothing is further from the truth. I will say it again though, I do have a strong dislike of women who carry on with married men. I also have a strong dislike of men who cheat. Am I missing something here? I thought this would be a general opinion throughout the thread.I still hold my belief women should say no. If anyone disagrees thats fine 🤔🤷‍♀️

It's that you used the most harsh words for women, and not the actual perpetrator, the one that holds the power - the man. That you used some sexist and deeply offensive slurs about women which NO woman EVER deserves to be called. Ever. No matter what they've done. Despising both is good, but actually do that. Don't use soft language for the male and horrible slurs for the woman.

I felt strongly when someone used the expression whore and was told off cause OW merely lacked in morals. I've noted this thread is filled with extremely offensive language and swearing due to high emotions which I understand & would never judge. Perhaps on reply to said post I was just joining in 🤦‍♀️🤔🤷‍♀️

The above page or so is discussing the rights and wrongs and individual thoughts of whether an affair is the fault of the man or ' wayward women '.
Lets show our support to @manipulatrice on her thread and those wishing to make it more general , suggest start their own thread.

Just popping back into wh*re gate, now starred to avoid further offence.

I would never use that term in regards a Woman who has a lot of sex (hell I've had loads), or lots of partners (I've had them too), or works in the sex industry, or in literally any other context.

In my head when I think of the type of odious morally bankrupt Woman that knowingly has an affair with a married man, that is the word that comes to mind. FWIW, there are far worse words in my head for the married man himself.

As someone who's had my life dramatically affected by 3 extra-marital affairs (my father as the cheating man, my mother as the OW, and another close female relative as the OW) then honestly I think I deserve to form my own opinions about the whole thing, and they're not kind ones.

Can we get back to the OP now? Apologies for unintentionally detailing the thread.

There is not an equal word for men though. That word is harmful and deeply misogynistic. Men use it towards women who have a lot of sexual partners. By using it yourself, you are giving freedom to men to continue to call us that word. It's shameful for you, as a female, to be joining in with that misogyny. And my father also cheated on my mother and left her for OW, I still would not use a disgusting slur like that.

Anyway, I won't post any more as it'a unfair to hijack the post. Apologies to the OP for derailing the thread. I hope you are doing ok.

Fucking bastard. They never change, op. They never forget the thrill of the illicit sex. You're being amazing for your kids. SHame these men can't be the same.

I don’t think this true. Hating your husband for what he’s done and hating the other woman comes from two different emotions.
You’re sad, angry and feel demeaned by your husband sleeping with someone else. He is responsible for putting you and your relationship through that. On some level you have a choice about him and how you conduct this and future relationships.

The other women isn’t anything to do with you or your relationship. You didn’t chose her but she made the choice to be involved with you when she gets involved with your husband. That’s why she gets so vitriol. It’s a choice to hurt the other married person.

This xx