On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

There’s another forum, that we’re not allowed to mention here, where they think @manipulatrice is being less than honest. That post was just a shout out to them. They love a shout out 🙄.

I am so sorry this happened to you but I do fear a lot of women end up the same because of a belief that things can be worked through. It’s an important lesson.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot what forum is this or can I ask.. are you suggesting this lady is telling us a tale.. not sure what you mean.

You don’t know that she’s walked away unscathed. I totally feel for you but did you want her to keep the lines of communication open ao you could keep having a go at her. Yes she was totally wrong but direct 100% of your upset and anger at your husband.

@Throwncrumbs similar position here - I can't say I am incredibly unhappy-but I have never if I'm honest felt quite the same about him

Ah thank you for explaining.

@Throwncrumbs yep it never goes away.. sorry to hear you are feeling like this. One lesson I learned was that I needed to build my self esteem.. prior to that it was being slowly chipped away by lots of things - away from home, back to work after mat leaves, comments from DH etc.. still see a therapist now - it might help?.. get you to a place that helps.. Sorry to hear you are ill. Sending supportive thoughts..

FlatWhiteExtraHot · Today 12:54

There’s another forum, that we’re not allowed to mention here, where they think @manipulatrice is being less than honest. That post was just a shout out to them. They love a shout out 🙄.

What do you mean - just a little confused..

OK this opinion is controversial - no bullying comments please but my view is the following:
if the cheater is married but the affair partner is single.. then I do think that its up to the cheater to say NOOOOOOOO I am married.. etc.. It surprises me that women really "go for" the affair partner.. in my mind they are single.. they have not made vows.. but we focus on energies on hating them, belittling them and this moves our focus away from what our Dh's have done... I have a friend who this also happened to ( DH had affair) and she made the affair partner's life a total misery.... like off the scale.. Why do we as women do this? Is it because we feel we would never do it ie if we are married then we don't pursue married men? of course we get our heads turned by married men.. but lets face it are we perfect.. just putting it out there as I focused all my energy on my DH it was his fault.. he was married she was not.. he had kids.... Dont get me wrong i fantasized about getting her back and interrogating her but for me that was not the main thing that devastated me or ate me alive.. I think if it does it can show that a woman has low self esteem anyway?? not sure just putting it out there.. will probably get bombarded now ;)

@manipulatrice btw not trying to imply you are doing this.. just making a general comment. Hope you are doing ok..

They’re all the bloody same aren’t they. This happened with a friend of mine recently and it’s the same drip drip drip of info depending on what they think they can get away with. Blamed it on work stress. Would probably still be at it if not caught.
Makes me sick.

He did it to his ex wife, he has done it to you, and now on top of it all, he's lying about it, hiding things and not giving you the very least respect you deserve by telling you everything so you have full facts and can make a decision.

This really would be it for me, op. You'll never trust him ever again.

I can't understand why there is practically nothing here condemning the OW. If those home wrecking scumbags of women didn't entice & proceed to shag married men perhaps more families could be saved. This obviously doesn't include women who GENUINELY didn't know but those are few & far between

I very much doubt that anyone respects the OW for her role in this, but it HE made the choice to pursue and nurture a relationship with a younger colleague when he could have CHOSEN to remember that he was married to the OP - a woman he still claims that he loves, and said NO.
Yes she played a role, but he chose his downfall.

God no I’m not suggesting for a second@manipulatrice is being dishonest.

As I said, mentioning the other forum on here is banned, and will get me deleted so I’m not willing to do it. Put it this way though, there are lots of spin-off groups from Mumsnet all over the internet. Nothing wrong with that, but some of them aren’t very pleasant.

So true and agree. I'm married to a man who women not only try it on in his office, they are told by lesser employees to proposition him in order to bring him down if he falls for it. It stinks.

I agree with you but it's now an identified and explained phenomenon.

Mate-poaching.

Not saying it's right at all. It is very, very wrong. But when you realise what's going on when a single woman goes after a married man, it at least makes some sort of sense.

'Mate Poaching'
Exactly! Women who strive to entice a married man should be vilified in the same way as a married man who succumbs to their sickening wiles, especially where children are concerned

I would disown a friend for sleeping with a married man, especially if he had children. It's a horrible thing to do and the op is entitled to feel anger towards both. How could you not be angry with someone that had a role to play in the breakdown of your marriage/children's lives, and who then just slunk off like a snake when found out? Ugh.

Of course the hurt and betrayal from the husband will be worse, but I don't think it's fair for the op to find out she's been cheated on and then get lectured about how she shouldn't blame the OW. Be as angry as you like!

Op I think when you get back home, it might be a good idea to live separately for a while if your husband has the option of staying with his parents, if his parents live locally to you. Work out an arrangement for him to see the children. You need time and space away from him, and to be supported by other people. It's awful that you discovered this on holiday because it makes all of that impossible right now, but that is what will help you process everything. And you need to get through the initial shock and pain before you can make any decisions. Unless people have been through it they won't know how utterly traumatic it is to begin with. Thinking of you!

A woman in her 20s a married man in his 40s with children. This sounds like a huge business honey trap. I could be wrong in this particular case but it's still worth considering cause it happens

I'm just saying its worth considering cause I've seen it before and its ugly.

Yes, because clearly the poor men can’t be expected to control where they put their dicks. FFS.

I wouldn’t be friends with a woman who actively pursued married men as that’s not what my values are. But the person who broke their marriage vows is WAY more to blame.

OP are you going to come home or tough it out? The pain is indescribable, it's brought a lot of memories for many of us too, I think. Good luck

Nothing to do with OP situation but dredful things happen in relationships. One man I know set up his wife and friends to believe he was having an afair. The woman involved supported him. There was no afair. It was discovered it was his way of getting out of the marriage and remaining in the closest while continuing his same sex relationship.
Another was a business man who was set up with a honey trap. He fell for it and lost his job which was the intention. There are some cruel people out there. Again this has nothing to do with OP situation. All I'm saying is everything isn't always black and white.

Oh it's crossed my mind don't worry. Especially because she has vanished into thin air.
He has left me extremely vulnerable.