On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

They do in the moment of discovery. She may well come crawling back, or he’ll get back in touch with her, when the dust has settled….

My cousin stayed with her husband. He blamed his MH. (In fact, MH is what he and OW “bonded” over. She “understood him like no-one else.”) The self-indulgent bastard has now weaponised his MH to get entirely out of adulting for the family. He is a MAMIL and uses his bike as “therapy” also. The number of times she has been late or cancelled something that they were both committed to because he’s still on his fucking bike…. 🤯 He has opted out of parenting his three teenaged boys, who both broke down shortly after the drama of the affair came out. They both believe that these boys know nothing, but it’s abundantly clear that they do. They boys have seen how her DH’s MH is an instant power play, and they both became school refusers citing “depression” - which may very well have been true, but were also empowered to do fuck all and wallow, playing computer games, etc instead of seeking counselling. Three super-intelligent young men now failed high school and in their mid-20’s are struggling to catch up and forge lives for themselves. DH hasn’t changed a bit. Meanwhile, he also became surly and resentful because he “missed” OW and felt like his heart was broken. He blamed my cousin (to her face!) for forcing him to choose. She told him that he was welcome to leave, but as OW (being younger and more ambitious) had moved on by then. (His anger possibly fueled by jealousy?) Interestingly, he sees himself as a faithful family man. I don’t get it. My cousin has aged exponentially and is barely communicative with anyone.

In a way, she's irrelevant.
She could have been anyone.
He's a serial cheat. He cheated on his ex and he's cheated on you and it's highly unlikely that he got caught the only two times he was unfaithful.
You'll never get him to tell you the truth but I bet all his mates know full well he shags anything that moves.

Don't buy into his manipulative bullshit about needing you to 'fix' him.

He needs fixing alright. Like they do randy dogs. 🤬

After you confronted OW from H’s phone, she went underground for the duration of your holiday. After the dust settles she will resurface, as they have unfinished business. They will likely reconnect for more illicit thrills (via second phone, etc.), or perhaps for closure.

This is a selfish repeat offender with porous boundaries who was happy to trash his Wife and adoring sons for a new adventure. There will be others. He’s a bad bet, so I wouldn’t put myself through a life of torturous mistrust and uncertainty.

So he's saying it would've fizzled out due to her moving role? He had no concrete plans to end it then, did he? He was hoping to get the most out of it while he could. F*cking bastard.

I am glad you've got your 15yr old DC, they sound amazing. I think the thing that would make me most angry is that your DH has blown apart the entire family set up and had no qualms about throwing away the trust built between your him and your 15yr old. Aside from wrecking the marriage, he has let down your children so very much.

Once you return home you can get organised and make your plans to get rid of him.

In the internet or proving another social platform right that I'm "going to drag it out for the rest of the holiday" he has now admitted to sleeping with her the first time in the hotel as well as the second.

He had unprotected sex. He thinks she has a coil.

And for context, so I don't get accused of not getting my story straight, this came about because it did not sit right with me that she had vanished.

He admitted he has a teams chat with her on a work laptop and I would like the content and it would upset me. When I said I would be reading it it pushed him into yet another corner. He will never stop lying.

When these things happen, your emotions are bound to be all over the place. However, you are focusing on the wrong things. You cannot cut him off from contacting her. Even if you had total control over his internet usage, he will go and see her in person when he gets back.

Ultimately, he betrayed you and that has broken your trust. If you want to rebuild it, it will take years (literally), not a few chats on holiday. His talk about ‘dragging it out’ is ridiculous.

In 9 out of 10 cases, divorce follows eventually, either as trust is never rebuilt, the affair is found not to have ended or they have another affair. Far better to accept it is over and discover your dignity and strength.

Unfortunately this is how it goes and he will keep drip feeding you bits and pieces to settle you in that moment but then you will push more and you with find out another little bit. That isn’t a criticism of you, what you are doing is natural and what he is doing is damage limitation. Eventually you will get tired and you will accept you will never know and then you will make a decision.

This is absolute hell at the best of times and even worse when you are on holiday. I’m so sorry x

Just keep some of the adúltera messages or record him or whatever, so you can prove he vomited adultery for the divorce .
whatever you do , do not let him in your life again . He will do the same , over and over again . This is from someone who deals with divorces daily . Do not waste another day if your life with him .

I don't know why, but this makes me feel that he has contempt for both of you, possibly for all women deep down. Fuck him.

Why? Are women only supposed to like jewellery and underwear as gifts? Maybe the OP enjoys houseplants and was excited to receive one that she would never have spent the money on herself. That’s what makes it so devastating, the fact she thought he was doing something special for her but he then cheapened it by doing the same for the OW.

FlatWhiteExtraHot

I think PosseGalore is referring to the fact that the gift for both Mani and the OW were the same, not that gift was a houseplant

I don't think I'm referring to the gift itself. It is the fact that he gave them both the same thing - that is such a specific gift to give someone, something that you would buy for them alone. To give the identical gift to another woman seems so thoughtless - even if they both like houseplants. I would find it so horrible to find that out. I would feel as though he hadn't ever really seen me as the unique person I am.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot I didn't read to the end of your post but just realised that we are on exactly the same page.

That's exactly what I meant, thanks. I think she means that too.

You've nothing to apologise to anyone on here for. This is how it goes with these arses. They drip feed when asked about situations. Pretend it wasn't important etc. You, re perfectly entitled to ask him anything you want, you, re not in the wrong here. He's totally shitting himself here. Plus he, ll be wondering what's going on back home.

@manipulatrice I'm so so sorry that you are going through this . At least (IMO) you won't be left in any doubt as to whether things can be repaired or you should try and work through it .
"Drag it out for the rest of the holiday " !!!!!!! Words fail me .

At first I was not sure. Now I see the marriage is 100% over. I believe he wants it to be.

Still lying, most definitely not a ons, full on affair. No way that is over. She has gone underground as she knows it not. Agree with pp about the duplicate Amazon gift equalling "I can play women"/ misogyny. It is unbelievable that he gave you the same presents.

Get home. Get divorced, he is prepared, mark my words.

So sorry OP

Sorry I don’t quite understand the opening sentence. Have you been accused of ‘dragging it out’ or is it something he has said?

OP, please stop torturing yourself with details of their affair. Assume the worst.

One word of advice though - make copies of everyhting you find and keep it safe - just in case. As far as I know getting divorced is much easier now and you don't really need a reason, but you have a small child together so it might be important to have the evidence of his "unreasonable behaviour". Also, don't say anything on record or text him anything that may be used later to portray you in bad light - if (god forbid) you will end up in family court over your child it may be used against you.

So sorry to hear that... It will come in dribs & drabs.... The information... From my side he did contact her again.... They had a lengthy convo on the phone ( saw the phone bill)....

I had to get all the details... Its just the way I am... & to be honest I still think it went on for much longer than he said... But you will never know. Just focus on yourself & getting through this... & get checked when mine was "double dipping" he didn't use anything either... Interestingly I had thrush that whole period which I don't tend to get & at 1 point asked him to take the oral tablet as the doc said we might have been reinfecting each other... I always remember he took it but made a huge deal about it..... He was angry... Yet unbeknownst to me he was sleeping with her.... It was so weird his thinking when I reflect... Andrew Marshall talks about the types of affairs... Cheaters.... Try to figure out which type it is what type of cheater he is.... It helped me understand & get through a lot... Sending you virtual hugs of support x

I know I definitely got PTSD when this happened.... I was floored as never thought he'd do something like that... I trusted him more than any previous man I'd had a relationship with.... So just to say this is really hard... You will obsess you will be thinking about all sorts of stuff... I used to almost throw up when I thought of them in bed.... There were pics etc... Try to get a relaxing massage or sth in the hotel... It won't sort this but nice to have someone treating you with care... Happy to dm if helpful wish I had the Supportive Ladies on this forum when I went through my crap x thinking of you.

Mine cheated 4 years into our marriage, still with him 32 years later, he’s had other affairs I’m sure but I carried on because of the children, they’ve all left home now, I’m sat here looking at him and reading this just brings it all back, I want to reach over and punch him in the face! Don’t be me , it’s not worth it, I’m stuck because I now have a chronic illness and am in and out of hospital. You deserve to be happy and I can truly say I’ve not been the same person or happy in the last 28 years. That’s pretty pathetic of me tbh!

Sorry, I misread your tone.