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Original poster

On holiday and found out he's cheated

1000 replies

manipulatrice · 25/05/2023 06:08

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
rileynexttime · 26/05/2023 18:17

The Amazon thing is awful .I'm so sorry OP.

Original poster
manipulatrice · 26/05/2023 18:34

No, it was an expensive houseplant

OP posts:
Thinkingofmovingtosea · 26/05/2023 19:21

Really sorry to hear this.. nothing worse. Andrew Marshall talks about the gift giving to the affair partner ... it might be worth a read.. We are with you all the way - you will get through this... it may not seem like it right now but you will.

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Relationship problems
yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 19:24

manipulatrice · 26/05/2023 18:34

No, it was an expensive houseplant

And… have you asked him about your discovery and the recipient?

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 26/05/2023 19:38

it might be that the OW lives in a shared house ( if she is only 29) or perhaps its something work related.. not necessarily a 2nd OW.. can you google or facebook the name and see what you find on LinkedIn or fbook etc.. Christ you are really having the holiday from hell.. thinking of you

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 26/05/2023 19:49

What have his family been saying to you via text or they being clear they are on his side or saying they are sorry etc... I missed the part about her being psycho.. has he said that she is a bit psycho or did I misunderstand.. just to let you know if he is saying that ie that she is psycho or she was more into it than he was then that happened to me too... its a line they use...

Boardname · 26/05/2023 19:50

Crikeyalmighty · 26/05/2023 16:41

@manipulatrice I think one reason friends and family will stay out for quite a long time is that many people have been bitten by responding in these kinds of situations- only to find10 days later the couple decide to stay together and then find themselves ostracised by one or other of the couple.

Yep! Also I suspect if they saw the social media photo change then they are aware you have access to his phone and accounts. He could also have another way of contacting them, it wouldn't be impossible.

At the end of the day he cheated, looking at his amazon account or whatever else won't change that, you're just torturing yourself. Move on and don't look back would be my advice, I don't believe someone can cheat if they love their partner.

Original poster
manipulatrice · 26/05/2023 20:13

I have. He told me that it's her and it's a nick name based on something they were giggling about together so he used it as a name for a package as she would find it funny.

He hasn't said she was into him tbf. He realised he was a quick shag and he was putting in more effort and she wasn't particularly participating as much anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
manipulatrice · 26/05/2023 20:14

And I agree. There is no point going over anything as I can't change it and he's just torturing me

OP posts:
Boardname · 26/05/2023 20:19

manipulatrice · 26/05/2023 20:13

I have. He told me that it's her and it's a nick name based on something they were giggling about together so he used it as a name for a package as she would find it funny.

He hasn't said she was into him tbf. He realised he was a quick shag and he was putting in more effort and she wasn't particularly participating as much anymore.

That's worse in my opinion, so he's saying she got bored but if she didn't he would probably still be keen probably. Nice. Whatever the circumstances, whatever his feelings towards her you know you deserve better.

Irisheyesareshining · 26/05/2023 20:23

Poor you . Take the emphasis and attention off the cheating twat most people can cheat if they so wish so he’s nothing special. Concentrate on yourself and your kids, when you get home you make the decision of what you want for the future he lost that privilege when he decided to mess around with other women . He will be the loser in this , I speak from personal experience.

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 20:46

OMG I fucking hate this - this whole "giggling", "nicknames" etc emotional affair bullshit. The only person he should have been giggling with is you, OP.
The fact she rejected him makes it even worse - who is to say he is not saying he loves you and wants to be back with you only because she is unavailable?!

Original poster
manipulatrice · 26/05/2023 20:49

Kindly exactly what goes through my head minute by minute tbh

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 26/05/2023 20:53

Unfortunately you will never know if that latest account is true or not.

whynotwhatknot · 26/05/2023 21:08

He just sounds like hes desprately trying to find excuses for everything

as for his friends they sound like kids-pathetic

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 21:33

OP you need to distance from him as soon as possible, it doesn't matter what the outcome of all of this is going to be - he needs to get the fuck away from your space and let you rest and get yourself together. You need to agree a schedule for him seeing your little one and then stop talking to him until you are ready.

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 21:39

I have been through this shit, long time ago - but I can still remember the pain. I really feel for you, @manipulatrice , please look after yourself - and try not to get into the situation where your husband makes it your problem, to the point where you have to listen to his stories about his mistress, his petty problems, his little boy hurties that made him do this. Its not going to achieve anything, its corrosive, soul-destroying and fruitless. Kick him to the kerb, if he is worth anything he will crawl on his belly from the end of the earth to get you back. you don't owe him anything, and its not your job to repair this shit. Big hug.

Catsmere · 26/05/2023 23:08

OP, can you afford to get yourself and your kids home ASAP and start divorce proceedings? Secure your accounts, property etc? You need to be shot of this arsehole. I would lay odds this OW isn’t the first, and I don’t mean his adultery in his first marriage. Prick reminds me of my father, a serial cheater.

Niceseasidetown · 26/05/2023 23:58

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 21:39

I have been through this shit, long time ago - but I can still remember the pain. I really feel for you, @manipulatrice , please look after yourself - and try not to get into the situation where your husband makes it your problem, to the point where you have to listen to his stories about his mistress, his petty problems, his little boy hurties that made him do this. Its not going to achieve anything, its corrosive, soul-destroying and fruitless. Kick him to the kerb, if he is worth anything he will crawl on his belly from the end of the earth to get you back. you don't owe him anything, and its not your job to repair this shit. Big hug.

I love this post so much for its power and truth.

MsDogLady · 27/05/2023 00:55

He felt entitled to lead a double life, and he’s still in ‘wayward mode’ [see the Surviving Infidelity site]

Mani, the more I read, it’s obvious that H does have feelings for OW. It’s all there — offering support, confiding, pet name, in-jokes, gifts, wanting to please, and sharing his day and news of the children, even with you right there. He is taking you for a fool by denying his feelings.

I also believe he is protecting OW and their relationship by spinning that she has lost interest. I don’t buy it. She was clearly expecting his message yesterday, hence his apology for being late to connect. This has been a fully reciprocated affair that has progressed since November from flirtation to EA to cyber sex to PA. If he can con you that her interest has diminished, then it will be easier for them to resume the affair after lying low for a while.

As the injured party here, it is your right to request whatever information you need, yet H stonewalled you yesterday: ‘He won’t say anything else. He thinks he has given me enough.’ Be aware that this is continued infidelity behavior. He doesn’t get to decide what you need to process this and make decisions. If you’re considering reconciliation, you’ll need to have the truth of the whole story to know what you’re forgiving. Otherwise, H and OW will still have secrets together, and the reconciliation will be false.

Mani, he’s capable of so much deception and manipulation, so remove his toxic presence from your space while you find your bearings and consider your options. That he’s now spiderwebbing you to help fix him is very telling. He wasn’t ‘desperate to keep you’ while committing his physical and emotional adultery, including yesterday morning. For 6 months he has connived to keep you blind. But for the vacation photos, he’d be romancing OW right now.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 27/05/2023 01:00

Sadly I agree.... Again I had similar he protected her... It was so weird... On the one hand saying he loved me & our kids and on the other wanting to protect her.... Sending virtual hugs

Throwncrumbs · 27/05/2023 01:40

I remember in my situation where I was really upset, couldn’t eat, sleep, even function in my job and I didn’t feel supported by my husband, he thought I should ‘ just forget about it ‘ and ‘stop going on about it’ …then I caught him phoning her, he said he was ‘just making sure she was ok’!!!! He bloody didn’t give a shit that I wasn’t ok…selfish arse!

Original poster
manipulatrice · 27/05/2023 02:06

I keep thinking that she has just disappeared too easily. He said there was no back up plan for me finding out.

So either there was, or, she really is just covering her own arse in fear I will set it alight.

They don't just vanish do they?

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 27/05/2023 03:22

Some do, some don’t, but take it from me, it’s unresolved on both sides… yours and hers…with him in the middle. You will never know where he is or what’s he’s doing if you stay with him. I stayed, kids were young, worried about managing on my own etc etc, I wish I hadnt. Whatever you decide , good luck

Beaverbridge · 27/05/2023 03:33

Exactly they don't disappear. She, ll be biding her time till he's back. She knows he can't do anything miles from home, esp since you've got his phone. Keep playing the long game, more will come out over the next few days. You, ll find out more when your back home. That's when he, ll try to contact her I, ll bet. But, you, ll be in a better place too, back with Your family friends etc. You wonted be going it alone by then. Keep playing it close to your chest. Let him sweat it the arsehole that he is.

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