On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

When he bought me something recently I've discovered he bought the same for her.

I've logged into his Amazon account and the delivery name is totally different to hers. So I'm sat here now wondering wtaf.

A second ow? Or was trying to make sure you wouldn’t find her the actual ow.

We talked about this last night.

Only 2 of his friends have contacted him to basically say they have his back. The rest have ignored it and not contacted him.
I would like to think the ones that are silent are disgusted with him, and I don't have a relationship with any of them myself.

If the shoe was on the other foot and I did this I can think of about 6/7 of my friends who would reach out to him. I can only conclude he has a shit choice in friends.

And maybe they accept what has happened because I'm a fucking mug and they know what he's like.

I've finally heard from 2 members of his family as well.

All I keep currently thinking is what another poster said to me yesterday I think

"If I hadn't caught him he would still be doing it" and he admits as much

Is there a second OW he has sent something to? What's his excuse for the name being different on the Amazon delivery?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's absolutely horrible

Was it perfume? They do that so that you don't pick up an unknown perfume scent on him.
Why was the name different? Is he lying about who he's actually been with?

His friends knew IMO.

Horrendous.

What did his family members have to say? “Don’t hurt the poor, innocent lamb? Is he safe

But what about your friends op - have they reached out to you?

I would like to think the ones that are silent are disgusted with him,

But he would have told them that you have his friend

and even if he didn’t, it was pretty clear you did given the profile picture change

What have you all been doing during the day?

Yes, keep that front of mind:

HE WASN'T SORRY WHEN YOU DIDN'T KNOW

This latest, buying the same thing for her (or was it? Or was it a clumsy attempt to cover his tracks using a fake name?) is a real kick in the teeth. Reading it made my jaw drop - it feels so personal, so conniving. God knows what you're feeling atm, it must be a million different things every moment.

Have you managed to get any more sleep, or keep any food down?

I've finally heard from 2 members of his family as well.

what did they say?

I’m so sorry you are going through this but from the outside it seems you are only beginning to scratch the surface of the web of lies and deceit. Clearly he wouldn’t be buying her shit if it was a one off kiss and shag.

also this other name,,.. do you think there could be another skeleton sized woman in the closet? Sounds like he’s an absolute cunt of a man who wouldn’t know the truth if it hit him in the face.

you need to get angry.

Why are you sitting there wondering?

Go and ask him!!

Yes but drama and cheating sound very out of character for you.

We've someone in the family who cheated. That time it was quietly mentioned within the family and nobody spoke about it to anyone outside the family. We worried about his mental health... he lost his job because it was connected to his DW. We listened and we tried to help and support and do all those things at the time, all the while wondering why he was such a fucking idiot. And it all came out about how unhappy he had been all those years and how controlling she was yada yada

His DW did tell people and well, fair play to her. So many people have probably heard the rumour at least.

I think if our family member remarried and then some years down the line we saw his FB profile changed to that, all of us would just be rolling our eyes and not being one bit prepared to sort his shit out for him again. I think I'd be too fucking angry to check on him, and furious for what he's done to the kids.

So that might be one reason why nobody has called him or checked on him.

Interesting and yes could be the reason

I’m surprised that op hasn’t been inundated with support though. Hardly anything as far as I can tell

Well that’s nice isn’t it!

you should be able to see name and address and might be able to see any message. Does this person live in the same area as the OW? Could the OW just be a cover? Ie: using her name as they work together so would be normal her being in his phone?

That was me, although I'm sure I'm not the only one who has pointed that out. And I see that he freely admits it! At least he has that much 'honesty' amid his epic DIShonesty!

The thing you need to realize is that, deep down, he doesn't really think it's wrong to cheat as long as he can come up with some bullshit justification for it. "I'm lonely", "You don't give me enough affection (sex)", My self esteem is so low and it needs boosting". Hell, even "It's a rainy Tuesday and I'm sad" will do for them.

Nothing justifies cheating. N O T H I N G. If someone is so unhappy that they are looking outside the marriage for what they aren't finding within it, then the right thing, the ethical thing to do is to tell one's partner and leave the marriage in honesty and with dignity. But no, that would require some personal integrity and cheaters don't have that.

The fact that he admits he'd still be cheating if you hadn't caught him is a GOOD thing to keep uppermost in your mind. Because that's the crux of the whole matter. He cannot ever be trusted again, no matter how much 'counseling' he gets. And I would never want to live the rest of my life having to doubt my spouse's every word as to where they are and what they are doing. Having to do that will destroy your own peace and eventually make you hate the suspicious person you will become.

As far as his family and friends not being in touch, I daresay they're just waiting to see where the chips fall and hoping that they won't have to 'take sides'. But if they do, don't be surprised if the chips don't fall the way they should, with them condemning him and supporting you. You'd think it would be an easy choice, at least for friends, maybe not so easy with his family.

You'll get through this. Countless have before you, countless will after you, it's sad to say. But eventually you will 'rise' and you'll find your 'rightful' place with the people who truly love you around you.

@manipulatrice I think one reason friends and family will stay out for quite a long time is that many people have been bitten by responding in these kinds of situations- only to find10 days later the couple decide to stay together and then find themselves ostracised by one or other of the couple.

This is so true.

Sounds to me like you've merely scratched the surface here OP. What an absolute bastard he has turned out to be. I would lawyer up and not tell him a thing. Screenshot as much as you can, make sure that you have some proof of his admission of cheating and at least have what you need to take him to the cleaners. His lack of remorse is staggering. I'm sorry this has happened.

He wants me to help fix him. To help him. I've told him that's not my job and he needs to get himself help and fix himself.

this deserves highlighting. Well done.

Was it perfume? They do that so that you don't pick up an unknown perfume scent on him.

@ucantmulchthis My Father did exactly this. Got himself caught out as it brought my Mum out in a rash when she was pregnant with me so she hadn't worn it for months and months, but the car seat belt still smelt strongly of it.

Scumbags