Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

On holiday and found out he's cheated

1000 replies

manipulatrice · 25/05/2023 06:08

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Mumto1boyo · 26/05/2023 05:23

Absolute cunt and his friends sound like trash too.

Fraaahnces · 26/05/2023 07:59

Sounds like his friends and family know and he’s been telling porkies about @manipulatrice and saying she’s a psycho. That fits the script nicely too. He’s been justifying his shit to them all and playing OP for a fool. I hate this spineless, lying, entitled type. Blech! Let him keep his dodgy midlife crisis. OP and her kids deserve so much better than this idiot.

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 08:15

What I’m baffled about is that presumably the OP and her husband have many shared friends on FB.

She tells all their shared friends and family on social media he’s had an affair.

His friends contact him but presumably don’t like or have any relationship with the OP so immediately full support to him.

and no one else contacts the OP to offer support

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 26/05/2023 08:17

Unless he is completely transparent about what happened, and brutally honest, there's no way back from this (imo). I stayed with my dh for a further 3 years to try and make it work. But because I never had the full story, things came out in bits, and I had to make my own conclusions, I never got over it. He never gave me the tools to be able to, and by continuing to lie about his lack of recollection it made me feel worse. So after 3 years I called it quits, when another big chunk of information came out the woodwork.

Good luck op and well down for holding it together

Remmy123 · 26/05/2023 08:25

What a pathetic man 'fix him' wtf! That alone would give me the ick

you sound like a lovely person OP please don't take any of his selfish shit x

Chompiemompie · 26/05/2023 08:41

Oh OP, I have been following the thread and my heart breaks for you.
I have had to sit back and watch my younger sis go through an awful 5 years.
Her dh had an affair, she found out. Usual script from him, he was depressed, she worked too hard, his needs not met etc. He claimed mental health problems and my dsis had to help.
She took him back nd he has done it again twice.
Her life is on eggshells and focused on making sure he is happy so he doesn't stray.
It has been awful to watch and we can't intervene.
Your situation is different of course but already Yr dh is following the script.

I hope you are getting support from your friends and family and they will be waiting for you when you get back.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 26/05/2023 08:49

That's a classic line..... Mine also blamed the stress of his job.. Where I got to in my head was as follows: he chose not to tell me how he was feeling that he was stressed or that he wasn't happy etc... Instead he chose to have an affair.... I found that sooo weak... As well as being furious & disgusted with affair...

rileynexttime · 26/05/2023 08:49

@yepgoingforarun - I hope mutual friends have been in touch with the OP .But from OP's earlier post it seems that only two of his friends have contacted him and only his sister has contacted her ?

He has several group chats with his friends.
One friend text individually this morning and then deleted the post.
The other main group, one person in it has been active

None of his other friends have text. I should imagine they don't know what to say or are disgusted.
His sister has text. That's it.

Such a shock ,I imagine OP is correct -they are so disgusted they don't know what to say .

Sending love and strength to OP .

Damnedidont · 26/05/2023 08:56

@Nanaof1 You're is a contraction - not a possessive. Karma for nitpicking ...

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 09:06

rileynexttime · 26/05/2023 08:49

@yepgoingforarun - I hope mutual friends have been in touch with the OP .But from OP's earlier post it seems that only two of his friends have contacted him and only his sister has contacted her ?

He has several group chats with his friends.
One friend text individually this morning and then deleted the post.
The other main group, one person in it has been active

None of his other friends have text. I should imagine they don't know what to say or are disgusted.
His sister has text. That's it.

Such a shock ,I imagine OP is correct -they are so disgusted they don't know what to say .

Sending love and strength to OP .

They all know she has his phone

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 09:33

Based of my own experience of this sort of shitshow, here's my view:

It could be that following OP's change of his profile picture, he contacted all of their friends and told them she went insane and used that as an example; hence the messages re: "be safe". He could have put a spin on the situation that may go something like this: she found a couple of messages to his female colleague (a friend, nothing else) and went crazy - OP said she blew up in public - then she took his phone and broke it and he had to run away as he is fearing for his life. So now everyone thinks OP is a complete loon and is avoiding her.

This could also be because, since OP is working late, she might have had less contact with people they both know or maybe their friends are mainly his friends (I totally get it - she has 2 kids and works shifts, sometimes its hard to maintain friendships in situations like this).

These type of men are absolute shits, he will say anything to make himself look good. The fact that he never admitted cheating previously says it all. I also suspect he still has friends from the time he was with his ex who are supported him then.

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 09:46

If any of my friends received a similar such message out of the blue from my partner, they sure as heck wouldn’t just accept his word for it.

They’d be utterly speechless and then immediately be very concerned and try to contact me

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 09:46

And I include shared friends in this

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 09:49

@yepgoingforarun I agree that this is what one might expect - but, as I said, I myself witnessed a different situation where friends took my ex's side, even though he was the one who left me for someone else.

Beaverbridge · 26/05/2023 10:38

Your playing it just right lovely. Have your days out on the holiday esp for the little one. He will drip feed daily, either diminishing the affair or telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Meantime keep your own thoughts/plans close to your chest. He's shitting himself wondering what your going to do. I also think he's spun friends and family back home a pack of lies, but that's his problem not yours.

Newbutoldfather · 26/05/2023 11:26

I think this will be very hard (impossible really) to come back from.

Work stress is zero excuse to shag a colleague. And apologising to her for being ‘late’ after being intimate with you is the most insulting thing that I have heard in a long time.

I really don’t think discussing anything with him will be fruitful until you have got over the shock, which will take weeks. The most important thing for you is space. I would send him home using work as an excuse. Surely, if this really happened, you could get your youngest to accept it?

When you get back, see a lawyer and discuss next steps to divorce. Whether you go down that road or not (I would), knowing your options will empower you.

Nanaof1 · 26/05/2023 11:45

Damnedidont · 26/05/2023 08:56

@Nanaof1 You're is a contraction - not a possessive. Karma for nitpicking ...

AAawww!!! Thanks for the correction!

You're SO special! 😅🤔🙄

MrsAnonstrikesagain · 26/05/2023 11:47

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 08:15

What I’m baffled about is that presumably the OP and her husband have many shared friends on FB.

She tells all their shared friends and family on social media he’s had an affair.

His friends contact him but presumably don’t like or have any relationship with the OP so immediately full support to him.

and no one else contacts the OP to offer support

Yes - exactly my experience. I didn't write on his FB, as this was too long ago, but everyone knew what he had done, and friends of 20 years never once contacted me. Also, his family never spoke to me again, when I left him.

Blood really is thicker than water, and most "friends" are fair weather friends, unfortunately.

MrsAnonstrikesagain · 26/05/2023 11:52

So OP, I guess the million dollar question is.....if you feel a bit down next month, your husband will completely understand if you shag Nathan from Team 5? Totally no problem with that, eh? If not, why not?

Fraaahnces · 26/05/2023 12:13

@Damnedidont & @Nanaof1 - Do you two think you could take this outside? Maybe biff it out behind the sheds or something… Perhaps you could get your own thread and biff it out there.

itdoesnt · 26/05/2023 12:17

The Ross Gellar thing is because Ross divorced 3 times.

Check his Facebook messenger for the 'secret conversations' area. You can hide messages

adriftabroad · 26/05/2023 12:27

OMG @itdoesnt

itdoesnt · 26/05/2023 12:33

Sorry should've been clearer. You can send encrypted messages on FB. You can set it so they automatically delete and set a timer for how long. Or you can archive the secret chat.

There used to be an actual area called 'secret conversations' but I think now they either delete themselves or get archived. If you know the persons name I believe that's another way of searching for it.

IncompleteSenten · 26/05/2023 14:12

Why do they always say it didn't mean anything like that's supposed to make you feel better?
It's not better.
It's worse.
They betrayed you, made decision after decision after decision to betray you, lied to your face, shat all over your relationship, went balls deep in another woman and risked your sexual health and all for someone who meant nothing?

In what world is that better than I'm a lying cheating bastard who fell in love with someone else and was too cowardly to end things with you first?

Fraaahnces · 26/05/2023 14:29

That’s right @IncompleteSenten … they meant absolutely nothing to him and neither did his marriage vows when sex was offered up to him on a plate.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread