On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

I don't want to de rail the thread but I'm concerned for janey's patients. Think BCAP and COSCA ( Scotland) would be post concerned.

All the best OP, you've got this. Take care

The Janeyxx bullies are derailing the thread. Stick to the subject?

So sorry OP. It's amazing what SOME men will risk for a few minutes of fun. Of course he's sorry, he got caught. I wouldn't even be able to stomach looking at a cheating partner. They would sicken me to my stomach.

I suspect these organisations are already aware of @Janeyxx

but not as a peer

There is a saying, Hurt people hurt people. Its getting to the route of the original hurt that takes time and effort

Its pretty clear what the original hurt is though don't you think? OP doesn't need to get to the root of that. Its in plain as day black and white on her husbands phone and then confessed out of his mouth.

Do you mean more along the lines of OP needs to find her original fault in all this? Like your sister did? her marriage continued because she admitted she had neglected her poor darling of a husband and therefore she was to blame for him 'meeting his needs elsewhere'.
Seriously, you can't make this up. I really hope you are not a councillor.

OP has zero blame in any of this. None whatsoever. And I cannot fathom for a second how anyone can 'blame' the cheated on spouse for their partners cheating. Ever. You seem a bit hell bent on finding a reason for his cheating, which you think must lie with OP somewhere as the poor man couldn't of just gone out and done it off his own back. Or he has mental health issues, or depressoion or an addiction, or was neglected, or not communicated with enough.....you do seem a little too invested in the reason he has done it is not simply because he is a lying cheating piece of shit.

No point

This thread will inevitably be pulled

requested by the op because “identified in real life”

Let the countdown begin…

I haven't requested that.

I've just had an email to say someone else has flagged it on my behalf.

I've attempted to pin down a timeline.

I don't think I'm going to get anywhere. The 2 times he has been physically u faithful he admits to is March and April, but, they first met in November and exchanged numbers. I was unaware he met her. I've looked in my diary and he was in London then so I'm guessing it was that time?

He's never going to give me a straight answer, not sure what difference it makes tbh in the grand scheme. He still did it.

He is professing to love me.

He originally said the first time they met was In march

now November?

The first time he met her was March

but now he’s saying they met In November?

OP I really hope the derailer stays away. Mumsnet even found me a good lawyer in Valencia! It really helps to talkto strangers as friends and family can be odd.

So many of us have been through/are going through this.

The bottom line is, it will never be the same (which you know) I am looking after a DD14 through the process and it is so hard to keep upbeat.

Honestly, I would go home. Get your thoughts together. Spend the week wisely, on YOU. The holiday is over.

He is doing damage limitation. As I said earlier, he has experience of the divorce process. Please put yourself first, over everyone. Stress is a terrible thing after a certain period of time.

I wonder why everyone keeps asking if he's safe? It's a strange thing to ask imo. Has he been spinning lies about you?

@yepgoingforarun yes.

It changes. He has no fucking idea in my opinion/ is covering is tracks.

He's a bastard.

You probably won’t ever know, not for sure. You know enough anyway.

Also you don’t need to make any decisions straight away.

You wont get the truth. His ex wife never did. It doesnt benefit him to give you the truth. She most likely, since he previously cheated on his ex wife, isnt the first either.

try to make the most of the holiday for the children while you are there. Be angry and productive when you get home.

I was wondering about "are you safe" bit, too. I'm thinking he told people OP is volatile and can be aggressive.

Does he describe his ex as crazy?

@PaigeMatthews oh yeah, good old crazy ex. not a cliché at all...

@manipulatrice

He is professing to love me.

What he 'loves' is his home comforts and his reputation. And now that you've found out he's desperate to keep you.

He doesn't want to have to wash his own pants, cook and clean for himself, and actually care for his child by himself. He's got a comfy life and doesn't want to lose it. And he doesn't want to lose his reputation as a 'good family man' and have it replaced with 'that man who cheated'. Sure, friends and family may rally round him (the arseholes!) but he will still be 'tarnished' and he knows it.

The main thing to realize is that if you hadn't caught him he'd still be cheating, if not with her then with someone else. He isn't sorry he cheated, he's sorry he got caught.

Whatever lies he tells you now don't matter. You know he's a liar and a cheat.

Just focus on getting through each day.

He's lying. He loves you like a kid loves ice cream....he doesn't understand adult love.

I'm more than aware of that!

Apologies again for posting lots but I had to say something!

Forgot the quote.

Can't quote anymore. The poster who said BCAP know janey as a counsellor ( not a peer)

What a pair of utter cunts. Firstly op, I think your reaction upon finding out about this utter shit show was entirely understandable. I challenge anyone to discover this and react in a cool, calm manner. Secondly. He is lying. They always bloody do in this situation. They are like a rabbit in the headlights, they somehow (unbelievably) never expected to get caught, so when they do, it’s panic stations. The truth will come out in time, if you can be bothered to hear it.
I utterly applaud you for posting that as his status on social media. You haven’t been crippled by shame as a result of what he’s done (seen so often on here) you’ve recognised and acknowledge that this is HIM and not you and set him up to be judged accordingly. Very healthy response I think. As for the OW. Anyone who says it’s nothing to do with her can fuck right off. What kind of idiot does this? I can only imagine the “my wife doesn’t understand me/we have separate rooms” utter bollocks he must have spun out to justify this holiday. She is young, but even at 29 I wouldn’t have fallen for that shite. There are children involved. She’s a shit bag, just like him.
And as for his claim that he has no feelings for her. Sadly, entirely possible. So many (selfish arseholes) pursue the ego boost, the fantasy, the escape from real life and trot out whatever drivel they need to, to make that continue. That of course doesn’t make it right, or forgivable, it’s just a fact.
Only you can decide what to do here op, but so far, I think you are doing brilliantly, in the absolute worst of circumstances xx

Mani, my heart goes out to you and your boys. Your H has made a mockery of all of you.

Even after your gutting discovery, he is unremorseful and is continuing to treat you with contempt:
*Blocking transparency instead of coming totally clean.
*Lying about not having feelings for OW.
*Shifting the blame for his infidelity to your working night shifts.
*Coldly ignoring you in the face of your distress.

His cowardly and manipulative excuse for cheating—loneliness during your night shift—is laughable. This was a 6+ month (likely longer) emotional and sexual affair that pervaded night, day, and even your holiday.

This self-serving, weak-boundaried man made the cruel choice to humiliate you for the thrill of novelty, extra sex, and illicit validation. And of course he and OW have developed emotional intimacy, hence his apologizing today for being late for their texting date and his sharing the holiday photos and details about your children. The evidence points to heavy investment and fueling, not fizzling. He feels entitled to have a Wife and home comforts, plus a Girlfriend.

Mani, please know that his unethical choices are all on him and his character deficits. You aren’t responsible for safeguarding his fidelity. Indeed, he‘s a practiced liar with a history of infidelity that he never even acknowledged. As the flaws which enabled his previous cheating are clearly still present, and he is currently showing no true remorse, you’d be foolish to ever trust him again.

Stay as separate as you can right now and send him away when you get home. Make arrangements to consult with a solicitor on your return to learn your options re separation/divorce and to formulate a workable co-parenting plan. Consider seeking the support of IC to help you process all of this.