On holiday and found out he's cheated

[manipulatrice]

I am on holiday with my husband and 2 kids.

I took a picture and sent it to myself using my husbands phone, and as I went to close WhatsApp I saw a name I had never seen. So I clicked it.

He's been having an affair for 6 months. I called his bluff pretending I had seen more and he then admitted as he thought I had seen, that they have been sleeping together.

In a fit of rage I launched his phone and smashed it. He claims he did it because he was lonely as I work nights, and he wanted attention.

I've never felt so alone and desperate in my whole life. We are only on day 2 of a 14 day long haul holiday.

If it wasn't for my wonderful children I think I would just disappear.

Yes, Its odd no one has been in touch, especialy his parents not getting in touch with either of you. Did you hear the call he made to them or just going on what he told you? If this was all a shock to them surely they'd be messaging/calling you to check if you're ok. But I really wouldn't have thought anyone would of known about it!

Perhaps he downplayed it to them on the phone yesterday as all some sort of big misunderstanding and they think just to keep out of it while you sort out this big 'misunderstanding'. Perhaps hes just told them you saw a message and thought it was inapproopriate or something. I'd be telling him to call them right now, in front of you, and admitting what he did to them. Especially if it looks like he has painted some sort of picture of you over reacting and him being the victim of it all.
But also, yes its odd none of his friends have been in touch. Not least to say 'whats going on with your facebook mate?'

My heart goes out to you, OP. Please remember you have done nothing wrong.

I don't know what to advise really but him flying home early - nope. Leaving you there with the two children - nope.

You need the support of your family and friends so maybe try to cut the holiday short. For the sake of the younger guy, try to fit in some of the stuff that you were to do but get home sooner than planned.

I am just so sorry.

I'm so sorry OP. What a fucking bastard.

I've been there and I regret massively that I didn't sort things between us financially. I just wanted rid of him asap, but as time went by I realised I should have made sure I got all I was entitled to for the sake of the kids. I know this is the last thing on your mind now, but don't make hasty decisions around finances.

Flying home, whilst attractive if you can easily afford it, could bankrupt you if you can’t. If it’s financially viable I would do it, and tell the youngest that Dad has to do something for work.

Otherwise, can you ask the hotel to put a camp bed or the like in the kids room? I’d suggest sleeping in there. Try to avoid having to spend time with him where possible although with the youngest having SN I appreciate that’s probably easier said than done. Maybe you could agree with your headband that he has to “work” during the day online so the youngest can have an excuse as to why he isn’t around. Might give you some breathing room.

I’m so sorry OP. This happened many years ago to a friend of mine who was also on holiday with his parents at the time it all came out, and they all blanked her. Worst two weeks of her life. All I can offer you is the fact she’s now thriving and happy without him. You will survive this. 💐

Sorry, cant agree with that 🤷‍♀️

You would think it was odd, yes, but when this happened to me, no-one wanted to get involved at all. Friends of 20 years standing, never once rang me to ask if I was okay, and they knew what he'd done. Not only that, they all continued to socialise with him. There's a part of me that fucking hates them all, still to this day. His own family stood by him and never spoke to me again, because "what he had done was a bit of fun" whereas I was the one "breaking up the family". The one person who was my rock, was a newish friend. Go figure. This is when you find out who really has your back. Sadly for me it was almost no-one.

totally agree. Of course the OW is not innocent in all of this.

@Janeyxx you're entitled not to "read the room" and you don't have to withhold your view because it's a minority one .
FWIW ,I agree with you
Where there is any hope at all marriage and families are worth saving if with help the couple can sort it out. The expression once a cheater always a cheater is rubbish.

OP, gather your thoughts as much as you can and try to formulate your next steps.

Ask yourself, in this situation:

What's the worst thing that will happen if you stay where you are?

What's the worst thing that will happen if you leave to go home?

Even just this process, pen to paper if you can, may provide some clarity.

Also, if you need to, then don't wait for people to contact you, you contact them. Perhaps you need that connection with someone from home to give you that feeling of belonging and reality so you can connect in part, to your emotions.

You can, no, you actually are doing this. Let him clean all the shit up.

Sorry this has happened to you. What a let down your partner is. Have you looked at flights to get home? What's his solution to all of this? Is he upset?

I would take the fb post down, not because he doesn't deserve it, but further down the line you may prefer that the whole world doesn't know what's gone on. You will have very raw times, and won't want mary the school mam etc asking how you are,xaka digging for gossip.

get home, see family and friends and have some space and time to grieve. Everything doesn't need to be decided all at once when you are in shock. I'm not suggesting you take him back, but the finer details of separation can be sorted over time.

@Janeyxx

But it's not a one off, out of character mistake in this case though is it? It's a six month affair including sex.

@MrsAnonstrikesagain Yes. My experience also. Even (D)sis is not a support. "you will be fine". My cousin and bf have barely asked about it. These are the same people I have been SO supportive to.

New friends, I agree, are the ones that support you. Also, older DCs, sadly. Mumsnet has been a lifeline for me.

Friends want happy news, they do not want to think it could happen to them. It is an eye opener.
His family will stick by him 100% and the lies will start. It is brutal.

i don't agree, she knew he was married with children. There are tons of single men.. no need to be with a married one.

It doesn't matter my lovely does it. Love or not, it won't change the fact that he's thrown away your entire family, and for what?

I promise you, there is a wholesome, love filled, and liberated life waiting for you. This person is no longer part of your journey. Whatever his purpose in your life was is now complete. He's shown you what he thinks of his marriage and of your children. His actions show how much you all mean to him, sit up and take notice.

Thank you. To be honest I rarely get involved in discussions unless I feel I have something to offer, even if my thoughts are unpopular. There is also the fact, especially regarding this topic, future posters will see you can get through this with the right attitude and support. Family life is not always plain sailing and I believe it's worth fighting for ♥️

@malpractice

Possibly his family & friends that know do not know what to say. I had a similar situation when my exh confessed to a 2yr affair 13 years ago. Exh went and lived with his dad after I throw him out.

I never heard from his dad from that day to when he passed 2years ago. No communication asking how his grandkids were or anything !

@manipulatrice

Got your username wrong - sorry

Did he have time between the discovery and now to go out and get a new device?

I'd send him home and stay on the holiday.

He needs to have cleared out his stuff by the time you're back.

He will probably resume the relationship with the OW.

You need to process and heal without him around.

No.

Oh OP, this is rough. Something similar happened to me. We had just landed and were in the hire car driving to the villa. He snapped over something small and announced he was leaving me. It was the holiday from pure hell and 3 years on I still shudder when I think of it. We flew home 3 days later as I simply couldn’t hold it together in front of DC and I couldn’t bear being away from my support network with someone who suddenly felt like a stranger. Honestly, if you have means to get home, I would.

Is it possible he has another phone you don't know about? His family might be contacting him on that one instead. It would also explain why the messages start from Sunday. He switched to using another phone for holiday.

@BanditsOnTheHorizon @OriginalUsername2 - this was me too. I think in a way I was ashamed of myself, as we are made to feel as if it's our fault they cheated. And the narcissistic men want everyone to believe that they are just great and we are so lucky to have them! It will feel awful for a while, but you are stronger. He probably doesn't want to leave you OP, but don't let him make the choice xx

I think he has another phone and number.

Op, you won't be in a state of mind to consider my posts & thoughts on this situation. I urge you to take all views into account. Rather than making reactiive and rash decisions, take your time and communicate with each other. Ultimately, if your marriage is over then so be it. Wishing your family all the very best xx