Things that you do as and adult because you grew up in poverty.

[headache]

I was thinking about this just now as I have a different experience of childhood to a lot of my colleagues. I grew up in poverty and regularly went hungry and lived in a cold, mouldy house. Holidays were a thing other people went on and we lived very hand to mouth. As a result now as an adult and a mother of teenagers and I’m lucky to be quite comfortable there’s still some things I do that are linked back to my childhood, for example:

one of the biggest things is always having cupboards bursting with food, tinned food, soup, beans, crisps. At any given time there’s probably 20 tins of beans and 100 packets of crisps on the cupboards. The freezer is always rammed to, I have 4 teens so we eat a lot but still I have anxiety if the cupboards aren’t bursting

• toilet paper and sanitary products again we are always overstocked as I remember being a teenager and scrapping together 89p for a packet of sanitary towels or making do with toilet paper or running out
• heating - we were never allowed the heating on and showers were limited, I now refuse to sit in the cold and I fully appreciate being in the position where I don’t have to worry about the costs. We were always in emergency on the meter and it would go out and I would have to go to my Gran’s and ask fiver for a card. One of the first things I did when I got my first flat and job was buy enough electric for the month at a time so I would never run out.

my Father was a plumber and was never out of work my mother didn’t work but they were useless with money. Even 40 years later some things stick with you and I feel so sorry for any children being brought up like this and worse nowadays. It truly sucks.

It’s so mad to see how common the overstocking thing is. For me it’s very much toilet roll, lightbulbs and batteries. Was bad on food but have got better on that. But I really feel pathological about not running out of things. Just constantly remember us never having loo roll. I don’t think I’ve ever run out in my adult life 😂

I am always overstocked with toilet roll and toiletries as well as dry foods. Also panic if we are on bread and milk

I can relate to virtually all that's been said, but especially deciding not to have kids for fear of bringing them up in poverty.

Never having the money or the clothes to do things with friends means I never say no to doing anything now.

My mum did her best but she was a single parent of 3, at a time when there was very little support.

Same as many other pp's when it comes to having sanitary products in the house.

Also, if my children need something (eg they come home with a hole in a shoe or need a new coat) I order it immediately right there and then. There is no waiting. If they need something I make sure that they have it in the quickest possible time.

I think it's because my DM was so bad at making sure that I had what I needed (eg I remember being embarrassed going to school as my trousers were too short) - she sees all money as fun tokens. Currently she isn't buying food "because it's too expensive" but has saved up the money she was given by the government (can't remember what it's called, she got £300 quite a few times) so she can go on a cruise that costs £1500.

Can't use the last thing up. Even if in the end it gets chucked out.

Always too much food in. Too many tins etc. It has come in useful for COVID and when my mum died. Yet I struggle throwing it away if it goes off.

Kids get the nice stuff. I really struggle with eating some stuff.

The kids never had to eat stuff they didn't like. They never have to eat stuff that has gone off like we did.

My dad grew up poor. He never recovered. We were occasionally really short of money so no heating apart from the gas fire in one room. Enough but bloody awful food. Rationed food. I only put the heating on for the kids when they are home.

I've never recovered either. The kids might have had it passed onto them as we were short of income when we left ex.

I've just bought some new fleeces in the sale while they are available but I will make them last til they fall apart.

I didn't grow up in poverty, but we was relatively poor. I hate getting rid of things. I shop in charity shops and sales, ebay, vinted. I prefer the kids to have to many clothes than to few

i dont remember charity shops,
i do remember the shops were local to the town, ladybird, etc., no such thing as cheap clothes when i was a child. So no abundance of clothes.
only when i was a teen did i travel to the larger town and shop at Miss Selfridges and i dont remember what else, Ravel shoes perhaps

@Clipboard007 gosh yes your post really resonated with me regarding being worried about waste. Even a slice of ham or end of a loaf about to go out of date I really hate it. And I pretty much always know what needs finishing up…

@headache thank you so much for this thread, I’m in my 50s and STILL struggle with this stuff, it’s a comfort to hear of those who understand.

today I went out and bought some clothes that I needed and took some old worn out faded stuff (still very clean) to the clothing bin for recycling - due in part to this thread. I don’t want my dc (who lack nothing) in the future wondering why I was so frugal especially when it comes to me - for no good reason. Actually not frugal, even mean to myself at times.

for many years I have been financially stable - mainly through good luck and fortunate choices - as others also work very hard and it’s not solely about hard work. But in my head I am still the slightly smelly child who didn’t have laundry done properly. I am obsessed with my washing machine, I don’t wash excessively but I derive a huge amount of pleasure from putting dirty stuff in with gorgeous washing powder and then it does its magic. the relief and joy of having a washing machine that I can use whenever will never leave me.(I’ve had my own washing machine for 30 years plus)

there are a couple of very lucky posters on here that don’t really understand about the background to some of us hoarding/storing food. Childhood deprivation never really leaves you, the pain reduces but I think it does still affect us in some way,

thank you op and thank you to those who shared so openly I feel I have taken another positive step for myself and that means a lot x

Oh and yes re the sanitary stuff, my girls have a cupboard stuffed full of everything in the bathroom and they know it is for them and anyone else who needs it. it’s got nearly as much as Superdrug!
I had to make do with inadequate supplies it still makes me feel dirty.

This thread has really made me think about how I treat myself. For DD I buy everything she needs, always. For myself, I often use toilet roll instead of sanpro, buy the cheapest shampoo etc, always have socks and pants with holes in. It always feels like a waste to buy things for myself as no one was ever concerned with me needing anything growing up.

Same here

This designates with me ' Can't use the last thing up. Even if in the end it gets chucked out.' ... can't figure out why I do this but I guess it's like the panic of when the emergency came when I was young we would have that there and as an adult I'm still expecting there to not be enough food despite knowing I do (thankfully)

@JackSheepskin
I understand this.

I remember years ago a (nice) colleague wondering why I was eating the cheapest of ready meals - out of the tray (macaroni cheese). I actually learnt a lot from him as he had come from a similar background. I do eat a bit better now but I have to focus on buying specific stuff for my work meals whereas I automatically get loads for the children.

Your dd will start to notice your economies on yourself. It helps me to not buy lots of stuff all at once for myself (although I bought a bit more today).
so for example just buying myself one nice shampoo or deodorant (doesn’t have to be top of the range, just a standard brand) then a few days later buy something else.I find it overwhelming otherwise even if it’s everyday items. Maybe start small?

It's clear some posters on here don't understand the fear that empty cupboards and fridges gives you , also the fear that someone else may discover the secret of the fridge near empty .

I don't know why either. Maybe it's just in case...or the fear of using it up and running out and then needing/wanting it later.

@BlackeyedSusan
I think you right. I never finish anything not even a chocolate bar, or a bag of sweets. I think maybe part of it is it's such a treat to have that I don't want it to end and I may not have it for another year or so (when I was young) so just wanted to have it there as a reminder that if I'm ever desperate I have it. Sending love to you. Growing up in environment when you worry about food/money/housing from as young as 5/6 clearly does effect you.

I will always buy brand new clothes, underwear and footwear.
I grew up in jumble sale shit, always had verrucas and fungal infections on my feet, not to mention bunions and in growing toenails due to ill fitting footwear.
I refuse to ever go into a charity shop for the same reason.
I will never wear second hand stuff again.

@Ocresocks do you think she remembers being a bully? Did she bully others? I always think people doing the hurting don't remember it like those being hurt. Strange she ended up in that job. Are you ever tempted to confront her as an adult? I can't say what I'd be tempted to do 😉

These posts are so poignant and also illuminating. It helps me to understand some people (I know) better. Thank you all, the Internet is helping us all to process our experiences.

I remember as a child being sent to the shop for something. I bought a bar of chocolate with the change and gave it to my mum as a “present”. She broke down in tears because every penny was counted and she needed it to pay the milkman.
The shopkeeper must have known our situation because he quizzed me about whether I was allowed to buy the chocolate.

Aaww @lampformyfeet I feel for you and your mum in that situation. Did your mum take the chocolate back?

I think I’m the opposite to most on this thread. I’m quite profligate. I like the nice things in life. But I do value savings and have more than enough buffer. I could have more saved or paid mortgage off sooner but prefer to enjoy myself, especially as so many people die young from poverty related illness.

I can’t remember, it was so long ago. If she did she didn’t say. X

@IheartNiles
I’m trying to become more like this. But it is a hard habit to break for me, always in my head justifying what I am spending. Even small things - I bought good cheese today, not value. We will eat every scrap of it and enjoy it but I still hesitated in front of the cheese section telling myself it was ok.
And then the opposite - I bought the children some desserts but they were own brand then I question myself if that was mean. Logically I know it wasn’t mean, they won’t notice or care they will just eat and enjoy them.
It’s kind of draining going round the supermarket.

and now I feel bad writing that down because I know full well so many people can’t afford any desserts and some people would have to buy the very basic cheese because that is their financial situation.

But I can afford small extras within reason and had an extremely deprived childhood which I think gets me into an overthinking mode when I try to buy stuff.

Today DH went on a golf society day out, with a friend, his partner and I have known each other forever and we spent the day together, she is a therapist and good friend and she listened to me moan at length on something important and asked some pertinent questions which made me think from a different angle, she also up with me saying on a regular basis and another thing………. We went to lunch, I paid as the advice I got was I reckon a lot £££ wise, but freely given and I would do the same for here, so therefore I was more than happy to pay for lunch but even still a little voice said to me, all in between the golf and the lunch that was an expensive day………….. we can so afford it, I wish that inner voice would fuck the fuck off, it is like a dementor. 😡

@TheApplianceofScience
I understand this.
I’m trying to detach from the inner voice.
otherwise I’ll be one of those people whose dcs are later very confused that I lived so restrictedly yet there was no good reason for it. It’s like ongoing self punishment due to anxiety and low self-worth.

I am lucky to have a small amount of savings that I have just moved well away from my current account so I can’t see it. And have given myself permission to spend anything I want from the current account - and there is money for treats and the odd day out or holiday.