Page 9 | Adult children and use of the shower

Bluemuf · 2023-05-19T08:36:48+00:00

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone. However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier. We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate. I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here. Has anyone found a solution?

gogohmm · 19/05/2023 11:53

@Motnight

For those who don't live close to decent jobs this is still the norm, expensive but normal. I have one at home and one away, her job isn't commutable. It's a luxury to be able to live at home and young people shouldn't abuse it through ridiculously long showers, an ultimatum of short showers or move out seems fair enough

pizzaHeart · 19/05/2023 11:55

I don’t think there is much you can do tbh, you can’t force an adult to do something you just explain your position to them and offer a choice of consequences. In your case it would be him moving out which did sound unfair. I would think abut damage in details and try to focus on both taking more money from him and doing something in the bathroom to lessen damage.

I haven’t read all the details but if he is running the shower to warm up the bathroom (which is possibly true , I used to do this in my 20s) maybe it worth to buy a small electric heater to put in the bathroom to warm it up.

I think it’s a mentality issue. Young people like quick and easy solutions so they just offer to pay for the damage - job’s done. When you are older you are thinking about all these hassles around redoing the bathroom etc and you try to prevent them.

38andtrying · 19/05/2023 11:57

we don't have water charges were I live thank God, and long may that continue, i would absolutely detest the idea of someone monitoring my shower usage time or having to scrimp on water usage. I feel for you all having to think of such things

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:58

@Bluemuf I've told you how to get round this but you like (it appears) to ignore the obvious answer, which is to educate him on basic hot water/ condensation, and how to prevent damage happening. I've even left you a link to help.

You have also ignored my point that having a shower in use for 45 mins is perfectly normal in a 3-4 person household.

Why can't you just tell him how to clean the bathroom? Wipe steam off the walls if it's there, wipe the shower cubicle, open the windows.

I'd love to know why you aren't engaging with this and are focusing on whether he should move out.

Ikeepforgettingmyusername · 19/05/2023 11:58

As you have a combi boiler could you not turn the temperature down on the hot water when you leave to go to work so that it isn't quite so nice to stay in there so long and the steam won't affect the paintwork?

Crazydoglady1980 · 19/05/2023 11:59

You can’t enforce it, he is an adult and makes his own choices. I think people’s frustration is that he is disrespecting you by not changing his behaviour. The options are that you live with it or ask him to leave. As you have said leaving is not an option, you have to live with it. But that is the choice that you make.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 12:00

Ikeepforgettingmyusername · 19/05/2023 11:58

As you have a combi boiler could you not turn the temperature down on the hot water when you leave to go to work so that it isn't quite so nice to stay in there so long and the steam won't affect the paintwork?

Or he could just open the windows and wipe down obvious condensation like most people do if it's steamed up.

God, this thread is bonkers.

It's making it an emotional issue instead of focusing on keeping dampness off the walls.

MeridianB · 19/05/2023 12:00

I'm guessing if his boss told him to stop doing something then he would stop. So the idea that he somehow can't quite seem to listen to you and stick to a promise is total nonsense. It's simple disrespect.

Explain (again) why it matters to you and ask him (again) to stop for good.

If he still does it then he's really not the model son you keep insisting he is and a shower timer isn't going to fix that.

teresamendoza · 19/05/2023 12:00

Hi Op
You can buy a shower timer shut off device, there's a few on Amazon, maybe a plumber could advise 😉

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:01

MeridianB · 19/05/2023 12:00

I'm guessing if his boss told him to stop doing something then he would stop. So the idea that he somehow can't quite seem to listen to you and stick to a promise is total nonsense. It's simple disrespect.

Explain (again) why it matters to you and ask him (again) to stop for good.

If he still does it then he's really not the model son you keep insisting he is and a shower timer isn't going to fix that.

No his boss has a different ability to "do" something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:02

teresamendoza · 19/05/2023 12:00

Hi Op
You can buy a shower timer shut off device, there's a few on Amazon, maybe a plumber could advise 😉

I've just asked the plumber. He said they won't work with a shower on a combi boiler.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 19/05/2023 12:03

No his boss has a different ability to "do" something.

And so do you. But you're letting him disrepect you. And letting him think throwing money at a problem is all that matters. The shower is a red herring here - it could be anything. Your son's attitude is the issue that needs fixing.

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:03

Ikeepforgettingmyusername · 19/05/2023 11:58

As you have a combi boiler could you not turn the temperature down on the hot water when you leave to go to work so that it isn't quite so nice to stay in there so long and the steam won't affect the paintwork?

As I said, he's quite active in taking care of the house. He'd know how to set the boiler. If I can do it, what makes you think he couldn't?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:04

MeridianB · 19/05/2023 12:03

No his boss has a different ability to "do" something.

And so do you. But you're letting him disrepect you. And letting him think throwing money at a problem is all that matters. The shower is a red herring here - it could be anything. Your son's attitude is the issue that needs fixing.

I'm only "letting" him because I'm not prepared to kick him out over it. How else can I not let him? Genuinely, I don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:06

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:58

@Bluemuf I've told you how to get round this but you like (it appears) to ignore the obvious answer, which is to educate him on basic hot water/ condensation, and how to prevent damage happening. I've even left you a link to help.

You have also ignored my point that having a shower in use for 45 mins is perfectly normal in a 3-4 person household.

Why can't you just tell him how to clean the bathroom? Wipe steam off the walls if it's there, wipe the shower cubicle, open the windows.

I'd love to know why you aren't engaging with this and are focusing on whether he should move out.

Only becuase that seems to be most people's answer to any minor issue with an adult child.

But as I've said, he does deal with it.

OP posts:

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 12:07

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:02

I've just asked the plumber. He said they won't work with a shower on a combi boiler.

Show quote history

@Bluemuf Are you missing the point on purpose?

You should have posted in Property because this is a condensation issue.
Most families will be using the shower for 45 mins in the morning or evening, one person after another.

Is there a reason why you are unwilling to tell him to wipe down the walls after showering and leave the window open for as long as possible?

Agapornis · 19/05/2023 12:07

Does he not think it's wasteful? I'm not that much older than him and would think this a terrible waste of water and energy. Is he generally quite focused on buying and consuming?

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/05/2023 12:09

Download20 · 19/05/2023 09:45

"Break" the shower, quick baths from now on?

@Download20

why should op go without due to an adult who can’t be arsed to manage their time in the shower?!

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 12:09

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:06

Only becuase that seems to be most people's answer to any minor issue with an adult child.

But as I've said, he does deal with it.

Show quote history

Sorry I don't understand what you mean here.

I suggested to talk to him about how to prevent condensation.

You don't seem to want to discuss the actual issue which is condensation- it comes over as if you want to control his behaviour rather than the actual problem of dampness, which is fixable.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 12:10

But as I've said, he does deal with it.

He deals with it when the problem has gone too far.

He doesn't do the right things to prevent it.

I give up.

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:11

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 12:07

@Bluemuf Are you missing the point on purpose?

You should have posted in Property because this is a condensation issue.
Most families will be using the shower for 45 mins in the morning or evening, one person after another.

Is there a reason why you are unwilling to tell him to wipe down the walls after showering and leave the window open for as long as possible?

Show quote history

How was I missing the point by responding directly to the question asked?

It's not a building problem. There's a radiator, an extractor fan, fanlight window always open, big window opened when he's in the shower and left until the house needs locking up (often not long) and the dehumidifier runs for an hour after every shower.

By the time he gets out of the shower, water is literally dripping off the ceiling and running down the walls.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/05/2023 12:12

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 12:06

Only becuase that seems to be most people's answer to any minor issue with an adult child.

But as I've said, he does deal with it.

Show quote history

@Bluemuf

just let him carry on then OP
is there anything you could cut back on in order to keep up with the costs of his showers? Less meals out perhaps? Buy less clothes?

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/05/2023 12:15

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:54

He could probably manage a house share but then he'll never save any money. I'm not sure why anyone would choose that for their child?

@Bluemuf

lol he’s not a child, he’s a man

plenty of young people his age move out cos of work or they are training and moving around to different placements etc or maybe they just want to be independent and live with other people of a similar age

Download20 · 19/05/2023 12:15

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/05/2023 12:09

@Download20

why should op go without due to an adult who can’t be arsed to manage their time in the shower?!

Show quote history

OP shouldn't, of course. It would be a strategic shower malfunction, obviously - occurring only at times when OPs son would like to use it ...... "oh dear, shower needs fixing again".

Clearly not a long term solution - other idea is to just ban him from using it and tell him baths only if he can't limit his time in the shower.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 19/05/2023 12:17

I totally get you not wanting to 'kick out' your child over this. He's incredibly disrespectful to completely disregard your feelings on this in the home you own.

While mine are at home there are certain house rules they follow. One wanted to live against one of them so I told them that if they wanted to do that, they could change to a more equal relationship which meant they would have all the rights of a full tenant who makes their own rules. That came with the responsibility of paying their exact share of every single bill rather than a small contribution each week. They decided to live by the house rules. Made them think about how good they had it for minor inconvenience.