Adult children and use of the shower

[Bluemuf]

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

@Download20

yep I see what you mean now

I don't understand why anyone thinks I'm more able to "fix" a shower than he is?

You sound like a fabulous mother, and he a fabulous son. I'm sorry for the early loss of his father.

Sorry too for the crazy answers you're getting here. Of course you shouldn't kick him out.

I think the only thing you can do is ask him to pay the entire water bill, and fix any house problems like the peeling paint. I'd also strongly encourage joining a gym and using their showers.

You need a laminate! We stayed in a holiday rental that had laminates everywhere about saving energy and reducing water consumption. Print some out and stick them all over the place.

3

Did you follow the rules? Maybe he gets it fron me, I wouldn't if they meant a big change to my usual. I don't go back to holiday lets with lots of notices

You don't ever refer to them as your children then?

@Bluemuf

or perhaps you could get a second job OP to fund his showers? Or forego a holiday this year?

Yes it seems an overreaction to kick him out due to the showers, but have others have said, it's about the disrespect he is showing you. You should not be in a situation where you simply cannot compel him to listen to you and respect what you are saying. Living at home at his age is a luxury and it should come with the expectation that they will behave like an adult.

Adults do not blatantly ignore each other like this.

He may be the model son in other ways but he is disrespecting you and that’s not on

Appreciate that you have been through things as a family but he is an adult and needs to start acting like one.

The fact that he is willing to throw money at it is a complete waste and that’s money he could be putting towards a deposit. But I have a feeling you want him to stay there as long as possible so happy for him to waste money on redecorating and water bills

Do you have appropriate paint for bathrooms on the walls and ceiling as it shouldn’t be peeling even with condensation?

If he is paying rent money then he can do what he likes if not then time for a chat about timing

I think we know where the disrespect comes from then. Very normal to follow the rules if staying in a property that is not your own

Get rid of the shower stand and make it hand held
Nobody is gonna stand and hold it for 45min and you can wash just as efficiently.

You'd reduce a perfectly normal shower length, say 7mins, to 5mins because a sign in a holiday let said so? OK

You're very keen to point out that no-one on this thread but you has adult children. It's highly unlikely to be the case

Yeah wouldn’t be an issue for me. But 5/7 mins is a lot different to 45

I'd let it go. It's annoying but from what you say he's great in other ways. Just consider it a very irritating indulgence. One day he'll move out and you can redo the bathroom, in the meantime he needs to try to save it from destruction if he can.

Life's too short to bother about things like this.

@Bluemuf

the signs would be to tell your son to reduce his showers from 45 mins to 10 for example. Not sure why you’re bending over backwards to make that sound unreasonable.
as I say you and him just crack on OP, live on beans and toast and no holidays or whatever but heaven forbid your son modifies his behaviour.

You change your tone of voice, you explain you are serious. You let him know his repeated refusal to change hurts your feelings and makes you angry. You might even need to have an argument, if he really isn’t taking you seriously and is being disrespectful. Your repeated claims to ‘not know’ how to assert yourself seem odd.
Or you could let it go. He is happy to pay for the water and repair any damage. Also seems like you might have some issues with the decoration of your bathroom that aren’t really his fault.

Life's too short to bother about things like this.

What, wasting water? JFC.

Have you any idea how much water a shower uses in 45 mins?

Spoilt child and Mama's boy.

You are indulging him big time and you may have your reasons. However it is not doing him any favours in the long run. Respect for others is the bottom line in any household.

So, other than encouraging him to wipe down walls and window glass, ventilate the bathroom, well that's it really I think.

@TheDailyCarbunkle

wasting water is really bad
it’s very costly
and so bad for the planet
so yeah it absolutely is worth getting worked up about

The comments on this are so odd. Who is getting these 5 minute or less showers? I’d say a quick shower for me and dp would be at least 10-15 minutes 🤷‍♀️

Do you think there are any other reason for spending that long is the shower?
I personally finds that I need to stay in shower and bath for certain period of time so that I fully warm before getting out. I think find it easier to come out the shower when it is hot in the summer and when the house in warm. This has always been the way since I was a child. I since found out that I got raynauds.

Well this might be key to why he's in there for so long. Look up some stuff on the psychology of showering - yes, it really is a thing.

What he's doing might be escapism. I'll play Spider Solitaire for hours. My OH will play video games. For your son, it might be showering. It's a way of shutting out the world and all its problems. So if that's why he's in there, can you suggest another form of escapism to him, one that uses less water and doesn't damage the bathroom? Look for an alternative to what he's doing, give him a positive direction, rather than repeatedly asking him to stop, which obviously isn't working.