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Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:32

Why are you using a dehumidifier?

You have said the room has a window. Dehumidifiers cost money.

I know I keep asking this BUT you never answer!

Why isn't he opening a window?

If this bathroom is upstairs, it ought to be ok to leave the window open all day (depending on your location.)

How would it be any different is 3 people used the shower for 15 mins each, one after the other ?

Which is normal for many households.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 19/05/2023 11:33

WetBandits · 19/05/2023 09:49

What on earth is he doing in there? Actually…I don’t want to know 🥴😂

Takes me three minutes to do a non-hair wash shower. Six if I’m washing my hair, but even then I turn the water off in between shampooing and conditioning!

I'm always amazed at people who can shower that quickly! I'm usually in the shower around 10 minutes, although some of that is waiting for it to warm up. If I'm washing my hair it's about 15 minutes, longer if I need to shave my legs as well. I still couldn't manage 45 minutes though, I'd be a prune!

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:33

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:32

Why are you using a dehumidifier?

You have said the room has a window. Dehumidifiers cost money.

I know I keep asking this BUT you never answer!

Why isn't he opening a window?

If this bathroom is upstairs, it ought to be ok to leave the window open all day (depending on your location.)

How would it be any different is 3 people used the shower for 15 mins each, one after the other ?

Which is normal for many households.

I've said several times he is opening a window?

OP posts:
PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:34

In shared houses, it's the norm for 3 or 4 adults to have a shower in the morning.

This would take maybe 45 minutes.

These houses are not rotting with condensation.

What's going on with yours?

AgrathaChristie · 19/05/2023 11:34

Charge per minute. £1 a minute in the shower and he’ll soon cut them down. Shower under 5 minutes the cost reduces to 50p a minute.

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 11:35

I've said several times he is opening a window?

ok so when is he opening it? when he goes in? when does it get closed?

CloudPop · 19/05/2023 11:36

ILoveToSquanderPromise · 19/05/2023 09:48

Our bathroom light switch happens to be on the wall outside the bathroom. That speeds things along for my teens, although I do fear I've turned into my dad.

😅

itsrainin · 19/05/2023 11:36

well my shower would start running cold if I was in there for over 45 minutes. Can your plumber do something about being able to instantly access hot water in the shower vs from the tank?

let’s be honest though, that’s a faff and the real solution is just having a proper conversation with you son. Him being friendly and saying okay but not following through does not equal a pleasant housemate. Ask him what changes he’s implemented since. Also with condensation damage, not everything will be fixed by a quick sand and paint job.

Strangestthings · 19/05/2023 11:36

What’s the actual problem with taking long showers if he’s offering to pay for the water and fixing any damage?

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:37

I've said several times he is opening a window?

Is that a statement of a question?

You have a house problem then, not a son problem.

How do you think families cope when they all shower in the morning or evening?

If the walls are dripping, he needs to dry them with a J cloth or a microcloth and dry the shower cubicle, or whatever you have.

Basic housekeeping.

Dodgeitornot · 19/05/2023 11:37

Have you tried getting an aerated shower head? They use MUCH less water but still give the illusion of good pressure. https://www.thegreenage.co.uk/tech/water-saving-showerheads/

This explains the concept. It sounds like the sauna he's creating is causing more of a problem than the amount of water he's using. He obviously likes a hot shower, not sure what you can do about that tbh unless he moves out or you turn the water off. Both suggestions you're not keen on so I'm not sure what suggestion you're looking for.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:40

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 11:35

I've said several times he is opening a window?

ok so when is he opening it? when he goes in? when does it get closed?

^^ This

You don't have a problem with your son.

You may have a problem educating him how to keep condensation at bay.

I have a big ensuite - 13 ft long- and I leave the window open for an hour at least after we have both had a shower. Or all day when I'm at home.

Two adults = 30 mins or so every morning.

Window open ajar as soon as the shower is on.

Lovesacake · 19/05/2023 11:40

Why do you need to fix this situation op? If he fixes damage and pays the additional costs then what harm is he actually causing (other than to the planet but you’ve established he’s not motivated to change on that basis)?

SprinkleRainbow · 19/05/2023 11:40

Some very presumptuous replies on here.
Your DC is an adult, he is paying his share, he's good to live with and everyone has their quirky habits. Tell your DC to re-decorate at his own cost every 6-12 months to counteract the damage and leave him be.

He sounds like a respectable person for 20 years old living at home. He doesn't need to move out, he understands things cost you money and he offers to counteract his additional length of shower with payment so he's not being disrespectful imo.

Maybe I'm biased as a young teenager and adult I spent forever in the shower as I found it calming. But as an overall, if the damage to the bathroom is the issue I'd just get him to keep on top of the decoration and cost of it and leave him to it.

midsomermurderess · 19/05/2023 11:40

‘Thoughtless, selfish and arrogant spring to mind’. Who do you think you are ,@DisplayOrcha coming out with that ex cathedra bollocks? So many people on this site live in worlds of their own, living out made-up fantasies so they can be abusive about other people family members, full of their own puffed-up sanctimonious nonsense. Why don’t you just give over, your making an arse of yourself.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:42

I think many posters are focusing on his behaviour rather than the real issue which is steam damage to a room.

Most families would spend that time in a bathroom in the morning or evening.

OP- what are you teaching him about how to ventilate a bathroom and keep it from getting damp?

It has a window. There is no excuse for it getting damp and damaged.

OhwhyOY · 19/05/2023 11:43

Read all your messages but not the full thread so apologies if someone has suggested this. Can you repaint the door and ceiling with waterproof paint? I live in an old house that suffers a lot with damp but even when we have long showers in our house we never have peeling paint in the bathroom because we have waterproof paint (other bits of the house though are a different matter...!). I have no advice on how to get him to comply, but if you can fix the damage issue so that stops then hopefully less of a problem.

NerrSnerr · 19/05/2023 11:44

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:54

He could probably manage a house share but then he'll never save any money. I'm not sure why anyone would choose that for their child?

It surprises me that an adult wouldn't want it for themselves to be honest. I couldn't wait to leave home when I was young and live independently (and shower how I choose)

Dodgeitornot · 19/05/2023 11:45

This is the sort of thing they use in the Carribbean to conserve water:

https://amzn.eu/d/er95qz6

You can get all sorts of types now, this one is just well known for being super efficient.
It does sound more like a condensation problem. Your paint shouldn't be peeling after an hour in the bathroom, even if he was creating a sauna. Does he use a squeege thing to scrape the water off the tiles when he's done? Window and door open after?
We don't even have a window in the bathroom and never have I heard of this level of damage. At one point 5 people were using it back to back in the morning.

Dodgeitornot · 19/05/2023 11:46

NerrSnerr · 19/05/2023 11:44

It surprises me that an adult wouldn't want it for themselves to be honest. I couldn't wait to leave home when I was young and live independently (and shower how I choose)

Show quote history

It doesn't surprise me. House shares are awful. You're very lucky if you end up living in a nice one with reasonable people. He's going, gets in with his parents, I don't see the problem. I'm just a bit baffled by the condensation damage. It really shouldn't be happening to this extent. He really needs to wipe the tiles down after he's done or something.

gogohmm · 19/05/2023 11:47

5 minutes is sufficient for a full shower, I would set a timer to 7 minutes which is still long. I'm in and out in 3

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 11:48

*Yes I know all this and I have had this conversation many times. But no one can tell me exactly how I make any of it happen.

It's one issue that causes quite a problem, but it really isn't representative of his character overall.*

He's 22. You should not need a way of making it happen - you tell him it needs to stop and it stops.

If he doesn't get that and can't respect that, then he needs to be told he's welcome to live elsewhere if he'd rather do that than show basic respect.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:51

@Bluemuf This is what both you and your son need to do. [[https://www.timberwise.co.uk/2021/03/how-to-stop-damp-in-bathroom/

Teach him to wipe down the condensation on the walls.
Leave windows open.
Don't let the room get freezing cold in winter.

OPEN THE WINDOWS FIRST AND LEAVE THEM OPEN.

How To Stop Damp In Bathroom? | Expert Guide From Timberwise

How do you stop damp occurring in your bathroom? In our latest guide, we provide advice on how to identify and stop damp in your bathroom.

https://www.timberwise.co.uk/2021/03/how-to-stop-damp-in-bathroom

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:51

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 11:48

*Yes I know all this and I have had this conversation many times. But no one can tell me exactly how I make any of it happen.

It's one issue that causes quite a problem, but it really isn't representative of his character overall.*

He's 22. You should not need a way of making it happen - you tell him it needs to stop and it stops.

If he doesn't get that and can't respect that, then he needs to be told he's welcome to live elsewhere if he'd rather do that than show basic respect.

Yes and this is exactly my issue. We've all been throguha significant trauma and I'm not about to add by it by kicking my son out of home.

Everyone's telling me I need to "enforce" it, but no one can tell me how except by making him leave, which surely would be an over reaction for this one issue, regardless of our circumstances?

OP posts:
TwoShades1 · 19/05/2023 11:51

Is there an actual problem? You have said he is paying enough, so high bills from the showers shouldn’t be an issue. You said when the paint was damaged he repaired it. So surely does it matter? If he is happy to pay and deal with any consequences then just leave him to it.