Page 7 | Adult children and use of the shower

Bluemuf · 2023-05-19T08:36:48+00:00

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone. However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier. We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate. I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here. Has anyone found a solution?

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:20

What boundary and how do I enforce it when I'm not even in the house let alone the bathroom?

Do you have CCTV in there then?

How do you know he's taking 45 minutes?

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:20

I'm obviously clueless, so someone give me step by step instructions as to how you enforce short showers in an adult who is otherwise a model housemate and is perfectly happy to fix the damage and pay for the water.

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 11:20

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:16

What boundary and how do I enforce it when I'm not even in the house let alone the bathroom?

Show quote history

I think you're just trying to wind everyone up!

You have already said what you want the boundary to be - that he takes reasonable length showers.

How you enforce it is up to you. There have been a few suggestions on here.

You can, if you put your mind to it, come up with a variety of ways to enforce it.

Your issue is you don't want to.

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 11:20

you keep coming back with "i bet you advice givers don't have adult DCs" well i do. 24 and 25.

And although they have both moved out, over the entirety of the time they lived with us we constantly revised our "rules for living here" so that as they grew up they learned about adult responsibilities towards their home etc.

When the long showers started - we had a good long talk about the price of utilities and so on. Not that we grabbed them out of the bathroom and started a discussion - but during dinner we were talking about it and we asked them to think about it a bit more. (our water is pretty much instantly hot - but the sheer waste of water in "letting water warm up" is astoundingly fucking obscene)

So as well as talking about costs, we talked about resources, and the global north and so on and so forth. And we all agreed that nobody, even the long haired DD, would have showers longer than 5 minutes (most of us are in there about 2 minutes tops anyway now). And for the long haired among us (only one DD) she got the chance to wash her hair whenever she wanted - but she learned to switch off the water while doing the conditioning, or she did it over the bath. etc.

And i would really get someone in to look at why this is happening to the woodwork, and possibly change the door and door surround, and have a look at the ceiling. And all of this to be paid for and arranged by DS.

Mirabai · 19/05/2023 11:21

Just tell him he needs to start paying for his shower wanks as you can’t afford them. Work out a cost pw - he can decide whether to take cheaper wanks or cough up.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:21

@Bluemuf I'm clueless because I don't know how you know he's in there for 45 mins when you are at work.

Explain?

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:21

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:20

What boundary and how do I enforce it when I'm not even in the house let alone the bathroom?

Do you have CCTV in there then?

How do you know he's taking 45 minutes?

Um, the water's running for 45 mins on days when I'm there. It could be anything when not there.

As I said, I don't know if he's actually in the shower.

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 11:22

I also have adult DCs.

Arguing someone is not qualified to answer is just a tactic to avoid hearing the advice.

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:22

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:21

@Bluemuf I'm clueless because I don't know how you know he's in there for 45 mins when you are at work.

Explain?

Because I don't work 7 days per week and if he's having 45 min showers when I'm there, they're hardly likely to be shorter when I'm not.

OP posts:

DisplayOrcha · 19/05/2023 11:23

It's one issue that causes quite a problem, but it really isn't representative of his character overall.
I’m willing to bet this is said through rose tinted glasses. A man who deliberately ignores a simple request to save money and water, laughs in the face of the person requesting and spends so much time in a bathroom they damage it (this doesn’t seem right anyway) and thinks just throwing some money at the problem
will do, doesn’t seem like a respectful and caring chap tbh. Thoughtless, selfish and arrogant spring to mind.

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:23

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 11:22

I also have adult DCs.

Arguing someone is not qualified to answer is just a tactic to avoid hearing the advice.

I'm hearing the advice, but nothing I haven't tried, so I wonder if anyone else has needed to do it

OP posts:

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:25

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:21

Um, the water's running for 45 mins on days when I'm there. It could be anything when not there.

As I said, I don't know if he's actually in the shower.

Show quote history

You've insisted he's damaging the fabric of the room with condensation, as he's in there for 45 minutes.

Yet you now say you don't know if he's in the shower for 45 minutes.

You only know about the days when you are there.

Maybe he's doing what men do and not showering at all- he's using the room for privacy.

I don't see the issue.

Either he pays more for heating the water

He opens the window when showering and leaves it open to get rid of condensation.

He is already paying for 'damage' but it's not clear how this is happening unless you aren't using proper paint for bathrooms.

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:26

DisplayOrcha · 19/05/2023 11:23

It's one issue that causes quite a problem, but it really isn't representative of his character overall.
I’m willing to bet this is said through rose tinted glasses. A man who deliberately ignores a simple request to save money and water, laughs in the face of the person requesting and spends so much time in a bathroom they damage it (this doesn’t seem right anyway) and thinks just throwing some money at the problem
will do, doesn’t seem like a respectful and caring chap tbh. Thoughtless, selfish and arrogant spring to mind.

Yes, obviously you know the young man who cared for his dying father, supported his young siblings (and me) through that, holds down a responsible job, pays his way, does his bit around the house and works voluntarily with a youth group better than I do.

Not included in the OP, fair enough, but I did explain the only issue with him is the shower

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 11:27

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:23

I'm hearing the advice, but nothing I haven't tried, so I wonder if anyone else has needed to do it

Show quote history

Have you actually asked him to move out?
Have you taken the shower head to work?
Have you switched off the water heating while you are out?
Have you switched off the water while he is in there on the occasions you are aware of how long he has been?

You have said you don't want to 'police' it. Which is you saying you don't want to enforce your boundary.

I am not sure why I am still going because I honestly think you are just taking the piss

Original poster

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:27

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:25

You've insisted he's damaging the fabric of the room with condensation, as he's in there for 45 minutes.

Yet you now say you don't know if he's in the shower for 45 minutes.

You only know about the days when you are there.

Maybe he's doing what men do and not showering at all- he's using the room for privacy.

I don't see the issue.

Either he pays more for heating the water

He opens the window when showering and leaves it open to get rid of condensation.

He is already paying for 'damage' but it's not clear how this is happening unless you aren't using proper paint for bathrooms.

Show quote history

I know the shower is running for 45 mins. I don't know if he's in it or sitting on the loo/doing something else. It doesn't matter as far as the damage is concerned.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 11:27

you have "tried" but you have been a wet lettuce about it is my guess, because (and this isn't a criticism) you like having him there.

He is an adult with a job. You have to make it clear that this can't go on.
But i will repeat myself: he must take charge of rectifying the bathroom problem himself, from finding a builder/plumber, to being there with them to discuss it and then to pay for the repairs.

And point out that in many parts of the world people have to walk for hours to collect water from a well. He should contribute 50 quid a month to water aid* or something to atone

*Other water charities are available

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:28

What exactly is the issue?

If it's money- take more.

If it's condensation, get a better extractor AND INSIST HE OPENS THE WINDOW.

If it's damage to the paint work get proper paint.

I have never had paint flake in a bathroom-ceiling mould yes, sorted with mould remover - but not flaking paintwork.

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 11:28

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:26

Yes, obviously you know the young man who cared for his dying father, supported his young siblings (and me) through that, holds down a responsible job, pays his way, does his bit around the house and works voluntarily with a youth group better than I do.

Not included in the OP, fair enough, but I did explain the only issue with him is the shower

Show quote history

You are allowed to let it go, because you can choose to downgrade it to a minor inconvenience and just ask him to pay for the redecoration when it needs it.

Coronationstation · 19/05/2023 11:29

I agree with @Brefugee this shouldn't just be about the cost, it's the environmental impact that he doesn't directly see....everyone is moaning about sewage discharges into the sea and rivers but also seem to think that it's ok to run an unnecessary 40minutes worth of water down the drains. oh, and remember last summer when it was really hot and half the country had a hosepipe ban because it hadn't rained for weeks....

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 11:29

OP - with kindness - what do you actually want as a result of this post?

Venting here, but not to the person concerned, is an absolutely legitimate use of this forum. Completely understandable in so many ways.

But you seem to be after a solution for something. But that something isn't, apparently, the actual matter you wrote about.

You have younger DCs? ask him what sort of example those long showers sets them?

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:29

Bathroom walls and woodwork doesn't get damaged if the windows are opened before someone starts to shower and left open afterwards.

Have you actually made it clear he needs to do this?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 19/05/2023 11:30

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:20

I'm obviously clueless, so someone give me step by step instructions as to how you enforce short showers in an adult who is otherwise a model housemate and is perfectly happy to fix the damage and pay for the water.

I don’t think you can. He is an adult so you can’t exactly stop his pocket money or send him to bed early. And you are not going to kick him out over it. (Quite reasonably - if this is his one big flaw then he is far better than the average “housemate”.)

What you can do is think “why does this bother me and how can I mitigate it?”

So….

Cost - change the structure of what he pays you so he is paying the water bill and the gas bill. It may not change his habits but at least it isn’t you watching the meter spinning like a yo-yo. (It would be bad to then tell you to have a luuuurrrrrvvvveeelllly long shower once he is paying for it!)

Damage to the bathroom - keep on making it fix it every time there is any sign of damage. (The good news about this is that it is much easier to deal with damp in the summer so this may improve for the next few months by itself.)

Time in the bathroom - is this a problem? Sounds like you are on different schedules. If you are there and need to get in then it is reasonable to tell him to hurry up just as you would with any other bathroom hogging housemate.

Damage to the environment - not great but you can’t control another adults actions - just don’t let him be environmentally preachy.

Heronwatcher · 19/05/2023 11:30

Disconnect the shower completely on a temporary basis so he either has to have a bath (if he is doing other things in there this might solve the issue), or a strip wash. Tell him if he doesn’t like it he’s welcome to move out.

You could also take the door off the bathroom (assuming you have a downstairs loo) which would solve the porn on phone issue if someone else is in the house.

Or what about making the hot water work so that there is only hot water when you are in the house, and can therefore kick him out of the shower? Or just giving him a bucket of water and a camping shower (we used this when we were renovating and it was fine).

Obviously once he’s able to control himself 🙄 these measures can be reversed.

Thelnebriati · 19/05/2023 11:30

Give him an ultimatum; either shower for no longer than 15 minutes or move out. He's being ridiculous.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 19/05/2023 11:30

Doing damage to the building would be a really firm line for me. My adult children are welcome to live at home under my house rules. Damage to the property would be one of the more important ones, even if they fix it.