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Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
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10
ComputerInitiateJump · 19/05/2023 13:47

Is it a downstairs bathroom, op? Our downstairs one gets a lot worse condensation than upstairs, I assume because of the cold floor.

Very hot water will create worse steam. The only solution if youre getting a lot of steaming up is shorter, cooler showers with plenty of time in between for the room to dry out. Opening opposite windows will help drying out so keep the door open after a shower and open windows on the opposite side of the house to get a breeze coming through.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:48

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 19/05/2023 13:45

How long ago did his father die? Is it possible he's hiding in there for crying time or to escape overwhelming feelings? Did he do it before his father died? When I was bereaved I'd usually cry in the shower early on. It's like the only totally private space sometimes, and the thoughts catch you up in the quiet.

This is actually a really good point I spend a good extra 10 minutes in the shower completely zoned out it is good for privacy

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:49

Then another 10 minutes to wash my hair shampoo twice then conditioner which I leave in for a bit

Again, one minute to rub shampoo in and rinse it off, and another minute to do the same with conditioner 🤷‍♀️ I get the whole leaving it in thing, but how can it take you ten minutes to shampoo your hair?

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 13:49

Has he recently left uni?
Has he ever left home?

How long has this issue been going on?

Bobbielikespeas · 19/05/2023 13:50

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:40

Unless your an amputee you can not shave 2 legs 2 under arms and your moo moo in 20 seconds. You just can't

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:50

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:49

Then another 10 minutes to wash my hair shampoo twice then conditioner which I leave in for a bit

Again, one minute to rub shampoo in and rinse it off, and another minute to do the same with conditioner 🤷‍♀️ I get the whole leaving it in thing, but how can it take you ten minutes to shampoo your hair?

I honestly don't know. I'm really starting to wonder now why it takes me so long 🤣🤣

Augend23 · 19/05/2023 13:52

So I think the shower wizard acts as an additional valve which is battery powered. So I don't think the electricness or otherwise of your shower makes a difference to how it works.

From what I can see it's essentially like an extra tap, once fitted, which you turn on by hitting the button - after you've turned on the shower as normal. So unless he dismantled the shower before he showered I think it would work. You could set it to 12 minutes which is long enough not to feel rushed I think. Obviously you'd have to locate a UK seller.

In terms of going round the problem instead of through it:

The other thing I wondered - you mentioned a dehumidifier and opening the window. Do you try and do both at once? The best thing to do would be for him to open the window once he's showered and then go back in and put the dehumidifier on (and shut the window) after 30 or so minutes when the worst of the steam has dissipated.

If it's fully tiled and he's prepared to put money towards the problem what about a Karcher window vac? He could vacuum down the walls after his long showers so it wasn't sitting there seeping in?

I tend to think if he is prepared to pay the cost, and you can work out a way of stopping the damage I don't think I would mind the showers. Yes it's long, yes it's expensive, no it's not eco friendly. But nor are long haul flights or car journeys or consumer electronics or beef or palm oil or any number of other things that people don't tend to feel as strongly about. If you can prevent the damage and the cost is covered it's probably not a hill I would die on.

FarmGirl78 · 19/05/2023 13:54

Sit him down and talk about 'respect'. Under your roof its your rules. Explain how its about him abiding by your wishes and its really getting you down he isn't respecting you.

But I guess you've already done this, and like everyone else's good suggestions you'll belittle it and tell me exactly why this won't work and then ask me how old my kids are.

I don't think anyone can help you OP.

jazzandh · 19/05/2023 13:56

I have older kids at home and it is indeed difficult sometimes as they nod and say yes, quite reasonably and are still rather thoughtless in their habits. So I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think I would go on about the environmental impact quite a lot. It amazes me that everyone says how the "youth" are stressed about the climate etc - but are still happy to have long showers, a 5 minute lift to the bus, clothes washed after being worn for a short period (easier than hanging them up)!

I would also ask for his solutions to the actual condensation problem and make him think about what to do.

If the ceilings are dripping it may be due to a lack of insulation in the loft. You can also get (and may indeed have) a shower extractor - it extracts the air directly from within the shower (can have a light in the middle) and directly to the outside.

Ellie1015 · 19/05/2023 13:57

You say he offers to pay and it would be worth it to him so take the money. If he would rather enjoy a long shower without any moaning and cost is the issue then take the money.

I suspect he will dial it back a bit when he sees the impact on his disposable income. If your concern is it impacts his savings then set it aside for him and gift it back when he is ready to move out.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 14:00

FarmGirl78 · 19/05/2023 13:54

Sit him down and talk about 'respect'. Under your roof its your rules. Explain how its about him abiding by your wishes and its really getting you down he isn't respecting you.

But I guess you've already done this, and like everyone else's good suggestions you'll belittle it and tell me exactly why this won't work and then ask me how old my kids are.

I don't think anyone can help you OP.

It's not belitting it to say I've tried that (as I've said several times) and it hasn't worked.

I'm asking the people who seem to think it's so easy to tell me what next.

OP posts:
snowydays10 · 19/05/2023 14:02

If he pays the way and fixes the bathroom up I can’t see the issue, maybe he is using the time to de-stress? There are worse things he could be doing. God I’m so happy I didn’t have parents who nagged me for having a long shower or running a bath.

MyAnacondaMight · 19/05/2023 14:04

How about transferring the gas and electric bill to his name, for his responsibility to pay? You say he doesn’t care about the cost, but a monthly bill for his wanking habit might focus his mind a bit - and reduce your resentment.

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 14:05

I'm asking the people who seem to think it's so easy to tell me what next.

But we've all told you what's next. You say you've told him he's disrespecting you and as an adult living in your house he needs to listen to the house rules. He won't.

So the obvious thing is that he needs to be issued an ultimatum of stop doing it or move out. That is the only natural next step.

mewkins · 19/05/2023 14:09

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 10:21

No, whenever we "discuss" this he offers money.

Show quote history

I'd accept his money. Anything over the baseline he should pay. Also.is he opening the windows etc rather than just relying on the fan to ventilate the bathroom?

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 14:12

If he's happy to fund the repairs why don't you get the bathroom made-over instead? You can get lovely laminate panels for the walls, tile any odd bits and it's sorted.

No more mould or rotting wood.

OR you

1 Hand him a squeejee and a J cloth and say you use this every time

2 If you can't, then sorry and but you need to start looking for a house share as this is ruining the bathroom and I won't accept it. And repairing it all afterwards isn't really the solution.)

And in the meantime turn down the thermostat on your hot water so it's not so hot. 60 is high enough.

porridgeisbae · 19/05/2023 14:12

He could rent, at least a room in a shared house. A lot of/most people move out because they have pride, and want more of a life of their own.

MsRosley · 19/05/2023 14:15

What the hell is he doing in the shower for 45 minutes???

On second thoughts, don't answer that.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 14:16

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 14:05

I'm asking the people who seem to think it's so easy to tell me what next.

But we've all told you what's next. You say you've told him he's disrespecting you and as an adult living in your house he needs to listen to the house rules. He won't.

So the obvious thing is that he needs to be issued an ultimatum of stop doing it or move out. That is the only natural next step.

And I've told you why I won't be doing that.

People seem to think just telling him should be enough

OP posts:
AngryBirdsNoMore · 19/05/2023 14:16

If it isn’t a money problem

And it isn’t a damage problem because he fixes the damage

What is the issue you’re trying to solve, OP?

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 14:17

Going off on a tangent....and sorry if it hits a nerve.

Do you think this is grief-related?

Is this his way of exerting some control over his life? (Because he couldn't control his Dad's death.)

Is he pushing back at you, in anger, as part of the grieving process?
Is this a kind of rebellion?

Other young men might drink, do drugs, shag everyone is sight, to get away from the grief they feel.

Is his long shower a way of being alone, having time to think, and also pushing back against the world that's dealt him a rough hand at his age?

Because if he's as lovely as you say and he pays for repairs, it's very odd that he won't do as you ask him .

Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 14:21

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 14:17

Going off on a tangent....and sorry if it hits a nerve.

Do you think this is grief-related?

Is this his way of exerting some control over his life? (Because he couldn't control his Dad's death.)

Is he pushing back at you, in anger, as part of the grieving process?
Is this a kind of rebellion?

Other young men might drink, do drugs, shag everyone is sight, to get away from the grief they feel.

Is his long shower a way of being alone, having time to think, and also pushing back against the world that's dealt him a rough hand at his age?

Because if he's as lovely as you say and he pays for repairs, it's very odd that he won't do as you ask him .

I think there's a possibility that hasn't helped, but his dad used to shout at him about the shower too 😆

OP posts:
Britchic · 19/05/2023 14:24

OP, I've just read through all your posts, I think your son does sound really lovely, far more than your average 22 year old! I don't think that you should be 'enforcing' this, and I know you've already talked to him about it before. But I think you need to talk to him again.... maybe sit down with him to have a proper talk, maybe show him this thread, so he can see how much it upsets you, talk to him about the the environmental impact of what he's doing and ask him what might help him to reduce his time. Not taking his phone into the bathroom? A timer? Even if he can get it down to 20 minutes (still outrageous in my opinion!) it would be a really good start. Good luck! xx

Franticbutterfly · 19/05/2023 14:24

In my house if I turn the kitchen tap on it stops the water in the bathrooms coming out hot, if this is the case in your house, put the washing machine, dishwasher and hot tap on when he is in the shower, he might hurry up then.

Arniesleftleg · 19/05/2023 14:25

Personally I'd ask him to contribute more, a fair bit more till he realises it's selfish. My kids take long showers so I just go and bang on the door till the shower goes off! My hubby has turned the boiler off before, on my daughter, but she just stayed under a cold shower 🤣