Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Adult children and use of the shower

459 replies

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 09:36

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Original poster
Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 13:03

Cherryblossoms85 · 19/05/2023 13:02

@Bluemuf What answer do you want? If you were my friend, I would tell you that you are overly focussed on this because grief does tend to do that. Nobody is attacking you, they are pointing out that you're batting back all helpful suggestions. All the best.

😆 I've been called a wet lettuce twice and accused of bringing up a spoiled mamma's boy

OP posts:
Cherryblossoms85 · 19/05/2023 13:05

@Brefugee yeah. I think maybe stepping away might help, this thread is clearly really upsetting for her and I really don't think anyone wants that. I've no idea what the background is but I know I was in a bad place when bereaved.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 19/05/2023 13:05

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 19/05/2023 10:41

So he pays a reasonable amount for the bills, he's rectified the damage to the paint work and he uses the bathroom when you are out (so it's not inconveniencing you).

And all round is a great housemate?

Sorry, but what is the actual problem?

This - though I'm a bit concerned the OP's bathroom isn't up,to scratch

theemmadilemma · 19/05/2023 13:12

Bluemuf · 19/05/2023 11:51

Yes and this is exactly my issue. We've all been throguha significant trauma and I'm not about to add by it by kicking my son out of home.

Everyone's telling me I need to "enforce" it, but no one can tell me how except by making him leave, which surely would be an over reaction for this one issue, regardless of our circumstances?

Show quote history

There really isn't a middle ground that you are looking for here.

If there is no line in the sand for him to cross, then you're left just accepting it.

You've been clear it's damaging the property - no issue I'll fix it.

You've been clear it's costing money - no problem, I'll pay for it.

He is not listening to your request. You either make it clear the above are not acceptable for you, and if he cannot stop, he will need to find some where else to live, or you accept he's just not going to stop.

Brefugee · 19/05/2023 13:13

to be honest, I have been harsh. Because OP has flip-flopped around what she wants.

At all times she has asked how to put the strategies into practice and then flipped all of them off.

She has been asked more than once what she wants from this thread - dumping or advice and at no time has she indicated what she wants is to vent. Although I do think that is actually what she wants/needs.

OP sorry, but that is the truth. You don't have the oomph to tell your son clearly what must happen. And that is understandable. And I am truly sorry that you have been bereved. But if you ask questions you will get answers. Many in good faith so just dismissing them all out of hand and coming up with PA "none of you have adult DC" was the icing on the cake.

So again. Vent away. that is fine. But flipping everyone who made good-faith suggestions is, what, rude?

Roussette · 19/05/2023 13:16

@Bluemuf

You have given me deja vu here with your problem. My DC1 was exactly the same, she used to sit in the shower and shave her legs and go off in a daydream with it running on and on. I did tell her (when I was being nice) I was going to enter her in the Guinness Book of Records for the world's longest shower.😂

When I was here, I used to bang on the door shouting GET OUT THE BLOODY SHOWER, THERE'LL BE NO HOT WATER LEFT FOR ANYONE ELSE. That worked but I wasn't always there. Then I'd have the rest of the family whinging because all the hot water was gone!

I'm afraid to say, you are on a hiding to nothing really. He sounds like a fab son to have, and I'd continue to ask him nicely, (or bang on the door like me if you are there) but for me, because my DC1 was such a wonderful girl, I let it go as one of the battles I can't win. I am prepared to be roasted for that, just like you, but it's true... we have to pick our battles. And she's been gone from home for over a decade now, and you can betcha that the showers in the flat she pays for are about 5 minutes!

Kids... who'd have em... lol

Well done you for coping with some of the ridiculous and mean comments on here. Smile

TheOrigRights · 19/05/2023 13:17

*It's not a building problem. There's a radiator, an extractor fan, fanlight window always open, big window opened when he's in the shower and left until the house needs locking up (often not long) and the dehumidifier runs for an hour after every shower.

By the time he gets out of the shower, water is literally dripping off the ceiling and running down the walls.*

I cannot for the life of me understand how with all that ventilation water is still dripping off everything. As a PP said, you need to ask on the Property board.

You shouldn't need to shower with a big window open.

RandomMess · 19/05/2023 13:18

Have you asked him for solutions to the problem?

You are running the shower for too long, it's causing X problem and preventing it is important because it will permanently damage the ceiling and door etc

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:21

ToddlerMama27 · 19/05/2023 12:37

The comments on this are so odd. Who is getting these 5 minute or less showers? I’d say a quick shower for me and dp would be at least 10-15 minutes 🤷‍♀️

I'd say 45 minutes is more odd than 5. I might sometimes take 10 minutes rather than five but there's a big difference between that and 45.

Cookiemonstersnana · 19/05/2023 13:22

Funny story.
We fostered a young girl (14)staying with us before a permanent place could be found. Which never happened. Stayed until she got married.
After she felt comfortable with us she asked if she could have a bath. Her hygiene was questionable so we said of course.
She gets in at 1pm and was quite happy to stay until 4ish.
I kept asking if she was ok. I'm fine. Topping up the hot water.
At 4 I said you need to get out now.
Her reply was ok I just need to shower and wash my hair. Another hour in the bathroom. Thank goodness we had a spare loo.

It seemed that the other foster families were not encouraging her bathroom use.
Lovely girl. Mum to our grandchildren

luckylavender · 19/05/2023 13:26

@Bluemuf - not entirely sure what you want out of this OP as you've rejected all the suggestions out of hand.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:27

First off does it really matter if he's paying enough to cover the water bill and is fixing the bathroom when needed, secondly could he have baths instead. Thirdly how are people having 5 minute showers how do you lot shave that quick.

Jk987 · 19/05/2023 13:28

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

Off topic really but he can't expect to move from home straight to his own place regardless of what part of the county you live. Next step is a house share rental which is far more economical.

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:28

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:27

First off does it really matter if he's paying enough to cover the water bill and is fixing the bathroom when needed, secondly could he have baths instead. Thirdly how are people having 5 minute showers how do you lot shave that quick.

It takes me about 20 seconds to shave. Never understood why people say it takes so long. Same with washing hair.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 19/05/2023 13:30

He’s either in there wanking like a chimp, or he’s, as you suggest, letting it run while he does other stuff. Either way, you need to get tough.

“Either you cap it, son, or you move out.”

It’s absurd that he has so far proven unable to change this behaviour.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 13:33

It's not a building problem. There's a radiator, an extractor fan, fanlight window always open, big window opened when he's in the shower and left until the house needs locking up (often not long) and the dehumidifier runs for an hour after every shower.

By the time he gets out of the shower, water is literally dripping off the ceiling and running down the walls.

The room must be freezing for water to form on the walls that fast.

No one else here appears to have that issue.

AND if water is running down the walls why aren't you asking him to dry them with a cloth?

Have you actually suggested that and put a cloth out for him?

If you have suggested that, and you have asked him not to run a hot shower for 45 mins, and he's ignoring you, then he's being selfish and inconsiderate.

But I can't help feel you are exaggerating a little.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:36

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:28

It takes me about 20 seconds to shave. Never understood why people say it takes so long. Same with washing hair.

Show quote history

Are you male?

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:37

Are you male?

No.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:40

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:37

Are you male?

No.

Unless your an amputee you can not shave 2 legs 2 under arms and your moo moo in 20 seconds. You just can't

WashableVelvet · 19/05/2023 13:41

I can see that you don’t want to issue ultimatums for him to move out - particularly since you wouldn’t particularly want him to move out. And it seems like his shower use isn’t usually inconveniencing you, and that he would be happy to pay more, so that wouldn’t incentivise him to have shorter showers. And you don’t want to infantilise him by turning the boiler off, plus you’re mostly not there. But it leaves a lot of water on the walls and so you’re worried about long term damage rather than just peeling paint. Is that right?

how about considering one or more options out of:

  • accepting his offer to pay more rent, so you have a sinking fund for bathroom repairs
  • getting him to arrange and fund the repairs once they are needed, so at least it’s not another thing on your to do list
  • asking him to squeegee/wipe the walls (rather than just the shower cubicle) and mop the floor, and to pour the water collected away.
aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:42

Unless your an amputee you can not shave 2 legs 2 under arms and your moo moo in 20 seconds. You just can't

I don't shave my moo moo but yes, I do shave the other things in about 20 seconds.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:43

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:42

Unless your an amputee you can not shave 2 legs 2 under arms and your moo moo in 20 seconds. You just can't

I don't shave my moo moo but yes, I do shave the other things in about 20 seconds.

How is that possible I swear it takes me like 10/15 minutes 🙈

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:45

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/05/2023 13:43

How is that possible I swear it takes me like 10/15 minutes 🙈

Show quote history

Then another 10 minutes to wash my hair shampoo twice then conditioner which I leave in for a bit

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 19/05/2023 13:45

How long ago did his father die? Is it possible he's hiding in there for crying time or to escape overwhelming feelings? Did he do it before his father died? When I was bereaved I'd usually cry in the shower early on. It's like the only totally private space sometimes, and the thoughts catch you up in the quiet.

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 13:46

How is that possible I swear it takes me like 10/15 minutes 🙈

That's exactly what I don't get! I just slap a bit of shaving foam on, then it's a few strokes on both legs, armpits take seconds.

I'm quick because I've got two kids to get back to, but I honestly struggle to see how it can take more than a few minutes at most.