Adult children and use of the shower

[Bluemuf]

DS1 22yo, employed in a good job, pays his way, does his bit around the house, good company to have around, no bother to anyone.

However, he's just spent 45 monutes in the shower. That was a "quick" one, as he needed to be at work. It can't carry on, apart from the cost, the bathroom is always wet, the condensation is causing paint to peel and woodwork to rot, despite daily use of a dehumidifier.

We live in the SE so no realistic prospect of him having his own place soon, which I know would be most people's solution, but he is otherwise a model housemate.

I've obviously tried talking to him, tried getting mad. He's always sorry and understands but then does it again next day. Mostly I can't even yell at him because I'll be at work so I dread to think how long he's in there when I'm not here.

Has anyone found a solution?

Some people really seem to have an agenda on MN. A young man can never be basically decent with one or two flaws. I'm sure all the posters here are perfect in every way.

We obviously have this one issue, but how on earth can you draw that conclusion about someone you've never met based on the information here and why would you be cruel about it even if you think it might be true?

Now I know this thread is a wind up

I'm sure you never drive when you could walk, never buy things from abroad when you could buy a more expensive local version, you always check how much water was used in the production of the clothes you wear etc etc. One man being a bit free and easy with water is not going to destroy the world.

Get a bloody grip.

If you're not going to do anything about it, at least look at installing a water saving shower head. That will slow the rate of water flow so his 45 minute shower is effectively half that. It's not as much fun but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I'm not, I'm just wondering why signs are likely to be effective. I've clearly said 45 mins is not reasonable.

I timed myself
My quick shower is 6min. so probably 7-8 at a more chilled pace
I'm not sure I could manage 15. that would be and extra 7/8 min just standing there like a lemon
As for 45 minutes - what would you actually be doing for that long?

bloody norah. It is a massive problem over huge parts of the world.

Fit a shower timer with an auto-shut off after a certain amount of time. Plenty on the market.

This probably isn’t a very mumsnetty answer, but if finances aren’t a problem and he’s happy to repeatedly sort the damage out (including paying for new frames when they rot) and he’s otherwise a model housemate, then I’d just accept it and move on. Given what you’ve said about his dad in other posts, I’d probably take this one flaw in someone I loved who was otherwise perfect. If it’s his one comfort/luxury to take a long hot shower every day then I’d keep fixing the bathroom. It’s that or you make him move out, which isn’t an option.

Anecdote, we have a bathroom that steams up and drips within 5 minutes regardless of open windows and extractor. We think it’s shit insulation and at some point when we have the money, will rip the boards down and insulate properly followed by fully tiling it but that might not fix it. So we do what we can now and accept it happens.

You sound like a good Mum op. I’m childfree but wouldn’t kick a child out either for this and that’s the only threat that works. If he knows it’s an empty one you don’t have a bargaining tool.

Puzzling as to what answers the OP wanted from this thread. Been through all possible scenarios, plenty of good suggestions. Get Hive, switch off the boiler remotely, or just move on from the issue, since she does not want him to move out, nor is money the issue.

off topic I admit -but I think is pertinent is that a friend of mine had her son at home (charging next to zero rent too) for 6 years post Uni on the basis that it would help him save towards a deposit . 6 years later he moved out to a rented flat with his girlfriend and turns out he had saved £4500 in all that time which is a piss in the wind when it comes to buying . He then said he would need £40k for a deposit and could they draw on their house. She now wished she had made him get a house share instead as she felt a bit used .

how do you get him to stop a) taking long showers and b) stop ruining your bathroom?

Talk to him like the adult he is and expect him to change his behaviour like the adult he is. It is not rocket surgery.

The fact that he nods, agrees and simply continues with the behaviour is completely and utterly disrespectful to you no matter how lovely and wonderful he is in every other respect.

Talk. To. Him.
and tell him to stop a) using the hot water to heat up the bathroom (if he's doing that) and b) wanking in the shower (there is a high possibility he is doing that)

Sounds like the bathroom needs fixing up, redoing. Maybe get him to contribute towards that?

Yes. I think we all need reminding that water and energy is precious. My adult dc are pretty good when they come to stay but I wouldn't hesitate to remind them to be mindful of water and energy if they started using it in unreasonable amounts. I do think a well placed sign gets the idea into people's heads. We still have a 'Don't forget your mask' sign on the front door from covid days. Different things work for different people I guess.

Talk to him like the adult he is and expect him to change his behaviour like the adult he is. It is not rocket surgery.

I have done that. I can and do expect it every time, I live in eternal faith, but it doesn't happen. How it's enforced is apparently rocket science because neither you nor I know what to do after that.

I did ask but she skipped over that.

I mean either she wants advice (apparently not) or she wants to vent (who doesn't now and then)

It would really help if we knew, so that we could answer appropriately.

Maybe just tlaking it though without being attacked?

What would you do if your recently widowed friend came to you with an issue she had with one of her adult DC?

I have long showers I always have done. It doesn't cause any particular damage to the bathrooms I use.
If it is damaging your bathroom then get him to pay for a better extractor fan, dehumidifier etc. Make sure he is opening windows, using a water vacuum.

Also have his financial contributions set at a level that covers the cost.

I don't really understand how it is causing damage. If he has the window open the whole time he is in the shower the condensation shouldn't be enough to cause the paintwork to peel. An extractor fan wouldn't be any use, but a properly open window should be.

That said, if he's happy to pay for the extra use of boiler and water, does (and pays for) any repair work when needed, isn't preventing others from using the bathroom, tbh I'd just leave it. Everyone has their weird little things they think it is worth "wasting" time and money on. Maybe excessive showers is his hobby.

I had this when my daughter lived at home. It drove me mad because she'd be in there for an hour, shaving and washing bum length hair while gallons of water flowed down the drains. I asked her to bath to do those things in the end and rinse herself of after with the handheld as it was at least half the water. Now she's paying her own bills she's twigged. So when she visits she's really quick and has cut down on hair washes. Perhaps ask him to take sole responsibility for the water bill 🤷🏻‍♀️

see, you keep telling us how awesome he is but i don't believe he is. I'm sorry your family have gone through a devastating event, i truly am, but you are not helping him to learn how to adult by being such a wet lettuce.

And your other DCs who come after him will ape his behaviour.

But again: what is it what you want. You want us to tell you how to enforce your request not to use all the water and wreck the bathroom. You have several billion strategies in this thread, to each you come back with "how do i enforce it"

what do you want us to say? "look, here's a site which has thumbscrews/tazers/shotguns"? Outside of talking to him like an adult and them him behaving like an adult and not a spoilt child, nobody can help you.

TBH given your loss and the trauma in your family - what you really need is a shoulder, i suspect, and just a place to say the things you think but don't want to say at home. Chat is good for that. Or the relationships board. Or maybe even berevement?

It depends how much the surcharge is. If he has to pay £1,000 everytime he goes over 15mins then he won't be able to afford it.

Hitting him in the pocket is the only thing that will work. He needs to pay for being so selfish with water and energy.

Seems like there isn't anything you can do OP, as you've tried everything you are prepared to do. No one is going to come up with a new solution here. Guess you just have to accept it. Maybe order a load of paint and tiles and charge it to him in his monthly contributions, then ask him to repaint on a regular basis.

Lovely, acknowledge that yes, I just came where for a chat and then insult me? He's not perfect, but I don't think he'd do that to someone.

And flowers after destroying someone's lifetime of parenting? Nice.

@Bluemuf What answer do you want? If you were my friend, I would tell you that you are overly focussed on this because grief does tend to do that. Nobody is attacking you, they are pointing out that you're batting back all helpful suggestions. All the best.