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Original poster

Worst mistake you ever made - regrets ?

278 replies

Kay286 · 16/05/2023 23:26

What’s the worse mistake you ever made ? Or things you would go back and change and in life ?
I’ll go first ! I met a guy on holiday when I was 19 , supposed to be a holiday fling only … I ended up moving 400 miles away from my parents to be near him. Pregnant 7 months later and he turned out to be a absolute waster and an alcoholic narcissist.
I got out when my daughter was 3 and as it turned out my life has shaped up pretty amazing !!….. but boy if I could have a word with my 19 year old self I would ! It’s meant I’ve spent my whole life not living close to my mum and I’ve made peace with it now but it does make me sad. I also constantly feel guilty I gave my daughter such a shit father which had a horrible impact on her life for a long time.

I met my husband when she was 3 and he is an amazing dad to her and we have a great life now so I do wonder if it’s destiny but I was so silly !

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 17/05/2023 15:29

There is only one thing in my life that I wish I'd done differently.

I absolutely adored a male friend from the ages of 16-22. He went travelling for a while then we met up one last time. I stayed overnight at his house (this was not unusual for us).

As we sat in the living room at about 2am, he made the tiniest of very polite passes at me. I couldn't think what to do so just sat very still. He stopped immediately.

Still kicking myself, 26 years later...

Frith2013 · 17/05/2023 15:30

I have made other terrible errors in life (including marrying an arsehole) but that is the one that still gets to me.

Original poster
Kay286 · 17/05/2023 15:37

@Frith2013 did you ever tell him this ?! Are you in contact now

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 17/05/2023 15:51

@Kay286 no, I never told him. He's been a friend on FB for many years but has never written or commented on anything I've posted. He lives about 200 miles away now.

JustDanceAddict · 17/05/2023 15:54

Wish I’d worked harder at uni instead of seeing it like a jolly for 3 years (pre-fees)! Had an amazing time but really needed to get my head down for the final exams.,
Passing up to train in a career I wanted cos I’d just met DH/to be & the course wasn’t local. Would’ve given me a completely different career path. I didn’t even say ‘I’ll think about it.’ What a nob.
Buying our current house which I feel I was railroaded into by dh as there was nothing else on the market and ours had already sold. If someone gave me £200k tmw I’d move (which is roughly how much more it’d cost to be where we want to be in a reasonable house).
Getting covid(!) I haven’t been the same, health wise, since.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 17/05/2023 15:54

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 17/05/2023 15:00

I do wonder how many young adults will regret going off and leaving, moving out of the area, even the country, and leaving their parents behind.

My adult daughter's friend who's 36 moved 300 miles away from home. About 15-16 years ago. Left her parents (in their mid 50s at the time.) Mum had a chronic illness and dad suffered from depression and they struggled financially. Isolated in a tiny village, no public transport, no family for 30 miles, only them to depend on. Alone all through covid too. Saw their daughter (DD's friend) twice in 2 years. Hardly contacted her parents, and declined 9 out of 10 offers to go visit, or for her to visit them.

A year ago, her mom died, and 3 weeks later, her dad took his own life. My daughter's friend admits she never bothered with them, and that she treated them like an inconvenience, and never answered their phone calls. She has cried every day about it since last May/June when it happened.

You only get one mother and one father. Remember that, and show them you love them and care for them. Answer the phone when it rings and you can see it's them. You are NOT 'too busy' all the time!

Show quote history

Having parents with complex physical and mental health needs is incredibly demanding and draining. It can completely mar a childhood, or an adulthood.

I think this is an incredibly one-sided view of that situation, you only see it from the parents' POV as being 'abandoned' by their adult daughter - you don't know how much of her childhood she was being let down or leant on inappropriately because her parents (through no fault of their own, but regardless) couldn't cope.

It might have been necessary for her own boundaries and mental health to put distance between them, for her to devote her energy to her own children, her own marriage, her own wellbeing.

And yes, of course she is grieving for her parents and what might have been, but for all you know she was grieving that a long time before they died. It is NOT HER FAULT her father killed himself, and to imply it is is really, deeply, horribly low of you.

Beeinalily · 17/05/2023 15:55

Leaving my first husband. I married far too young, and I was a selfish narcissistic bitch. I hurt him badly, but myself even more. Serves me right.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 17/05/2023 15:59

Oh yes, and since it's been brought up and while I'm at it - I regret refusing when my chronically depressed mother asked to move in with me, DP and DD. I did it because I grew up damaged by growing up in the shadow of her mental health problems and I didn't want that for my little girl. I held the boundary. I continued to help her all I felt I could at a distance. And she killed herself about 8 months later. I will never, ever know if things could have been different if I'd prioritised her over my DD. But I will always know that I hurt her enormously, she felt betrayed, and now she's dead. And I will always no people like @SecretsIWouldNeverTell think it's my fault and that I was a bad daughter.

NotQuiteUsual · 17/05/2023 16:06

I wish I'd gone NC with my abuser sooner. Now I'm dealing with PTSD and my eldest child had anxiety over what we went through.

gamerchick · 17/05/2023 16:12

Dangeliss · 17/05/2023 13:50

Do you regret having them or not having any?

Show quote history

I have kids now yes

gamerchick · 17/05/2023 16:14

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 17/05/2023 15:59

Oh yes, and since it's been brought up and while I'm at it - I regret refusing when my chronically depressed mother asked to move in with me, DP and DD. I did it because I grew up damaged by growing up in the shadow of her mental health problems and I didn't want that for my little girl. I held the boundary. I continued to help her all I felt I could at a distance. And she killed herself about 8 months later. I will never, ever know if things could have been different if I'd prioritised her over my DD. But I will always know that I hurt her enormously, she felt betrayed, and now she's dead. And I will always no people like @SecretsIWouldNeverTell think it's my fault and that I was a bad daughter.

You did the right thing. You protected your own bairns mental health. You can't fix those sorts of problems in other people. It wouldn't have been the easy option if you had have let her

Scalottia · 17/05/2023 16:15

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 17/05/2023 15:54

Having parents with complex physical and mental health needs is incredibly demanding and draining. It can completely mar a childhood, or an adulthood.

I think this is an incredibly one-sided view of that situation, you only see it from the parents' POV as being 'abandoned' by their adult daughter - you don't know how much of her childhood she was being let down or leant on inappropriately because her parents (through no fault of their own, but regardless) couldn't cope.

It might have been necessary for her own boundaries and mental health to put distance between them, for her to devote her energy to her own children, her own marriage, her own wellbeing.

And yes, of course she is grieving for her parents and what might have been, but for all you know she was grieving that a long time before they died. It is NOT HER FAULT her father killed himself, and to imply it is is really, deeply, horribly low of you.

Show quote history

You are so, so correct. Good post.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 17/05/2023 16:56

gamerchick · 17/05/2023 16:14

You did the right thing. You protected your own bairns mental health. You can't fix those sorts of problems in other people. It wouldn't have been the easy option if you had have let her

Show quote history

Thank you. It means a lot even for a stranger to say that as for all I try to come to terms it does eat away at me sometimes. Hence my overreaction to remarks of the "you only get one mum and dad" type!

myneighbourhell · 17/05/2023 17:15

There are lots of things I could regret, BUT I simply didn't know any better at the time. We have to forgive ourselves for that, life is a learning process and you often only learn things by making mistakes. One thing where maybe I really should have known better was to go back to my ex after breaking up with. He wasn't supportive whilst I was going through an illness and a few other traumatic life events, so I left, and then once I went back of course he didn't change, but I thought I wouldn't find anyone else. My biggest regret overall is not listening to my instincts and not standing up for myself, but I'd been abused as a child and learnt to supress my own needs to please others, and until I became aware that I was doing that there wasn't anything I could do about it. It's still a struggle, but something I get better at by the day - we are all a work in progress.

SauceForTheGoose · 17/05/2023 17:18

I'm not 100% but given the opportunity I don't think that I'd marry DH.

Spottycarousel · 17/05/2023 17:40

Taking back my abusive ex and getting pregnant. Ds is lovely bit profoundly disabled and that decision changed the entire course of my life.

LaMaG · 17/05/2023 17:49

My mum was ill when I had a new mortgage and a career job where I was working all hours and stressed constantly. I wanted to spend more time with her to help out but felt I couldn't leave. Weekends were always busy with other family members and she was home alone struggling most week days. Months went by til I eventually said F it and registered with a temp agency for part time work to keep me afloat and wrote my resignation letter. I had an agency interview at lunch and was waiting for my boss to come free to hand in the letter when I got a call from the hospital. My mum died days later after falling into a coma. I found the resignation letter sitting there when i came back after a week off and ripped it up. I didn't even give her one afternoon of my time, she must have thought I didn't give a shit.

bondsy · 17/05/2023 17:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AsphaltGirl · 17/05/2023 17:58

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 17/05/2023 15:59

Oh yes, and since it's been brought up and while I'm at it - I regret refusing when my chronically depressed mother asked to move in with me, DP and DD. I did it because I grew up damaged by growing up in the shadow of her mental health problems and I didn't want that for my little girl. I held the boundary. I continued to help her all I felt I could at a distance. And she killed herself about 8 months later. I will never, ever know if things could have been different if I'd prioritised her over my DD. But I will always know that I hurt her enormously, she felt betrayed, and now she's dead. And I will always no people like @SecretsIWouldNeverTell think it's my fault and that I was a bad daughter.

There comes a time when you can't sacrifice yourself or your children any longer..you did the right thing.

Namechange192727171 · 17/05/2023 17:59

Oh god i have lots! Mainly unsuitable men, I had daddy issues and it clearly showed.

My

AsphaltGirl · 17/05/2023 17:59

LaMaG · 17/05/2023 17:49

My mum was ill when I had a new mortgage and a career job where I was working all hours and stressed constantly. I wanted to spend more time with her to help out but felt I couldn't leave. Weekends were always busy with other family members and she was home alone struggling most week days. Months went by til I eventually said F it and registered with a temp agency for part time work to keep me afloat and wrote my resignation letter. I had an agency interview at lunch and was waiting for my boss to come free to hand in the letter when I got a call from the hospital. My mum died days later after falling into a coma. I found the resignation letter sitting there when i came back after a week off and ripped it up. I didn't even give her one afternoon of my time, she must have thought I didn't give a shit.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm sure she knew you cared - life can be very difficult sometimes when we're juggling too much

MRSBoredsome · 17/05/2023 18:02

Getting tattoos. I should have never ever done that.

Namechange192727171 · 17/05/2023 18:07

Pressed send to soon 🤣

I was with a lovely man for 3 years, he was great with me, my child and genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met. I suffer from OCD and depression and he helped me so much
He fought really hard to see his own DD, lots of going to court as she kept wanting him out of the picture etc.
Then his dad died, he became depressed and I had to end the relationship as he began to drink heavily.
Years later I had moved on and saw things were going well for him, he had a new job and I kept meaning to reach out etc.

3 months ago I found out he had died from pancreatic cancer.

I wish I'd of reached out to say goodbye and thank you.

DorritLittle · 17/05/2023 18:12

N0N0TIFICATI0NS · 17/05/2023 14:41

I have a sliding doors moment. I wish I could change things and see what life would be like but also I would never do it as I love my life now. When I was 18 and at uni I met a lovely guy. From the first day I met him I felt an odd magnetism to him that I have never felt before/after. I just knew I wanted to be his friend and was fascinated by him. We instantly clicked and, although we liked none of the same things, we had the same energy and got on so well. We were best friends and it progressed to more and we began sleeping together and spending all our time together. However we did not use "gf/bf" labels but also did not see anyone else so were essentially together. Looking back I treated him like he was temporary and more a friend. One day I informed him I was going travelling and left the following month. He was devastated and didn't properly speak to me for a few years. I was too busy having fun to care to be honest, I was extremely selfish and young. After a year travelling I met my ex and we had children pretty quickly and bought a house together. Sadly that relationship didn't last (but we co parent well and are good friends). Few years passed and I moved back to my uni town and, through mutual friends birthdays and wedding parties, started bumping into uni-guy again. He had not had a serious relationship since me and no children. We started as friends and I apologised and, looking back, realised how dismissive I had been of him and how I treated him like our relationship didn't matter. Eventually the friendship ended in us being together. We were friends/together for 4 years and he never met my DC and we did not discuss living together. I liked things the way they were with him and didn't want to change anything. I loved him (which we both openly said) but didn't want the boring day to day with him and loved seeing him a few times a week, going on holidays together, speaking every day and it being fun. I can honestly say I loved him and he still felt like home to me. But I had no interest in pushing it further. He was working hard at his career so it seemed to suit him, but he also did talk about our future. After 4 years we started arguing a lot and we broke up. I told him I didn't want to stay friends (as we fall back into a pattern) and have not spoken to him since that day. He now has a girlfriend, who he's been with 18 months. His longest relationship other than me. She seems lovely and I'm so glad he appears happy. She's met all his friends and family (something I only did as his uni friend, not his girlfriend). She shares a lot of the same interests and, on paper, seems so much more suited to him that I ever was. There is no engagement or children yet but I believe she lives with him.

I would not contact him as I wouldn't want to cause any issues in his current situation or take away his chance of being a dad (none of us are getting any younger and I don't want more children). Also I do not feel I want the life he wants. I do not want him as my husband who I come home to every night and have children with. I don't want to pay bills with him and do the weekly shop. But he is the one I think about every night when I'm going to sleep. He is the closest thing to a soulmate I think I will ever meet, but I often wonder if he's supposed to be my best friend soulmate but I messed it up by getting involved with him (twice). He is definitely my "what if". And I'm now only in my 40s so I actually feel we may meet again when we are past the children/mortgage stage.

He doesn’t sound like the right person for you, if I may say so. You clicked in that ‘soulmate’ way but it lacked so much else.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 17/05/2023 19:18

MRSBoredsome · 17/05/2023 18:02

Getting tattoos. I should have never ever done that.

SO glad I never got any. A whole generation of people will regret it.