Worst mistake you ever made - regrets ?

[Kay286]

What’s the worse mistake you ever made ? Or things you would go back and change and in life ?
I’ll go first ! I met a guy on holiday when I was 19 , supposed to be a holiday fling only … I ended up moving 400 miles away from my parents to be near him. Pregnant 7 months later and he turned out to be a absolute waster and an alcoholic narcissist.
I got out when my daughter was 3 and as it turned out my life has shaped up pretty amazing !!….. but boy if I could have a word with my 19 year old self I would ! It’s meant I’ve spent my whole life not living close to my mum and I’ve made peace with it now but it does make me sad. I also constantly feel guilty I gave my daughter such a shit father which had a horrible impact on her life for a long time.

I met my husband when she was 3 and he is an amazing dad to her and we have a great life now so I do wonder if it’s destiny but I was so silly !

My first 3 husbands. 1st emotionally abusive, 2nd so abusive he almost killed me, 3rd a narcissist. I consider them all one mistake because nothing went right from the 1st proposal to the 3rd divorce.

4th and final husband (together 31 years now) is worth the shit I went through to get to him though, so that's something I suppose.

Going for a walk with a guy who had clearly given off rapist vibes and he lived up to his reputation. I was 17 and this started a path of hard drugs, useless men, abusive relationships, massive weight gain and low self esteem. Thankfully I got help and turned my life around at 24, but that was a bad decision that I still regret. Although, if I hadn’t followed that path I wouldn’t be in the role I’m in now or the person I am with the kids that I have so I try and see it like that.

I've just thought hard about this and actually I regret nothing. Which is a huge deal for me because it means that right now I am healthy and my mind is peaceful. So I suppose I could regret not having trauma focused therapy earlier, because I have only just achieved this in my 40s. But I don't regret that, because I had no control over it, and actually I just feel really grateful that I had the opportunity when I did.

I have 4 now adult youngsters by the ex-husband. It's a weird one cos I wouldn't have my 4 without being with him. The marriage was abusive. It took me 16 years to finally leave.

We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath. We have good lives today. I always say, "It's a pity I couldn't get ex sprm from a sprm bank then we wouldn't have gone through that with him."

My 2nd husband is the Dad and Grandpa he didn't have to be to mine/ours

Staying in a relationship when he kept letting me down for 4 years. Then having a baby with him. Now I’m with somebody I care for but who isn’t the best partner for me, and I feel guilty for not giving my child the best possible father. I see other people’s partners and think how did I end up struggling so much.

I think probably refusing to believe I had a mental illness for years, going down the physical illness route therefore denying myself access to treatment.

I stayed with the mother of my child because she wasn't capable of being a mother or looking after a child. Stupidly, I sacrificed a love interest that came into my life a few years ago because I couldn't leave my child and the mother would have fought for custody.

Nothing unusual in that you might think but as I watched my lover find another guy, get married, stop contact, then have a child, my child's mother decided to up and leave and go back to her home country half way across the world leaving our teenage child alone with me.

Here she was, doing exactly what I refused to do, to go and live back in the jungle and actually marry some seemingly random guy within 2 months of getting back to her home country.

You cannot easily run a company, work long hours, be in multiple cities and manage a diverse set of employees and be there for every school run, morning and evening but that's what was dropped in my lap with a couple of weeks notice.

I guess it sits well in the "I don't think it is fair" pile but it made me go back to the decision I made some years earlier and re-evaluate.

My advice to my younger self would now be to hell with it all, to take the chance on love, to be happy and to try and work the other stuff out because the alternatives as they are playing out in my life now most likely mean a late middle age and retirement absolutely alone.

I devoted my time back in the UK to providing for my family, to make sure they didn't have to go through the poverty I went through. What few friends I have are scattered across the globe and in the UK I know no-one really.

I don't regret that my child and I are closer but I do regret that what I was scared of wasn't or wouldn't have been as bad but deep down, having had an abusive alcoholic mother myself who tried to kill my sibling and me more than once, I know that my child's life could or perhaps even would have been in danger if left with the mother alone but no court would have believed me, a guy.

It isn't glorious to fall on your sword in real life. It is fucking tragic that life makes some men and women have to do it.

Having a child with an abusive frightening man. If I could turn back time I'd just get out of the relationship and realise sooner that the reasons for his behaviour were nothing to do with me and nothing that I could help with, just get away from him and never look back. But now I'm stuck with a terrorising man affecting all aspects of mine, my children and my current relationship/family; until the day he dies I guess. I could have never comprehended the impact on such a poor choice, but trying to help someone dangerous change for the better has ruined my life in many,many ways.

Going to university. My mum never went and put her regret onto me. I wanted so much to make her proud. So I went to university, did a degree I hated and didn’t ‘make’ me anything. I’ve never had a job related to my degree. I wish so much I’d just worked, or gone to college instead.

Got a 105% LTV, interest only mortgage at 8% interest rate on an overpriced house in a rough area at a young age... oh and it was a few months before the credit crunch of 2008. I ended up almost instantly in £35k negative equity with interest only mortgage payments over half my monthly wage (mortgage advisor lied about my salary on application).

I was trapped in a bad area and rundown house for over 10 years, no money to renovate or go out and enjoy my 20s or even you know, eat for the first few years until I got a better job. I had to put food and essentials on credit cards and got in loads of debt. I eventually sold a few years ago for just £5k more than I originally bought it back in 2007.

I paid off every penny of the debt, inc charges and interest back when banks charged uncapped late fees (e.g. a £250 overdraft with £800+ charges). Should have gone bankrupt instead I'd have been financially better off in half the time. I was young, knew nothing about finance and trusted everything the mortgage advisor said. It was a really miserable period of my life and I feel like I missed out on a big chunk of my youth.

A cautionary tale for anyone anxious about not getting on the property ladder. Renting in your 30s or later can feel a bit rubbish I guess, but you aren’t tied in the same way you are with a mortgage.

Becoming a teacher!

Too many to mention really :(
Some do drag you down I think , but I've had to learn to move on with things.

This is me! I did something really stupid when I was 13. Instead of anyone giving me proper psychological help, I was castigated and pretty much despised by my family. At 15 I went completely off the rails and am surprised I survived. I got myself sorted just about, but my life has not been happy.

Leaving the love of my life because he was an addict. I have regretted it every day since and miss him terribly. Life was hard with him but the pain of living without him in it is far worse. It’s been almost 2 years and missing him keeps me up at night.

@Boxbedbank I’m so sorry to read this, I’m in a somewhere similar situation in that I’m no longer able to work & disabled and am currently 37a thankfully mine wasn’t out of any negligence or anything just really rare, complex surgery with every & any complication possible- plz feel free to contact me anytime to vent,cry, chat ect without judgement! It completely sux! And mine will slowly continue to get worse too- nice wee Cherry on the top 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️- sending u some love n virtual hugs 🤗 x

I regret not doing a different career. I absolutely love history and genealogy and would have liked to do something more along those lines like an archivist or conservationist. Instead I trained as a teacher with a degree in a completely different field! I don’t particularly enjoy my job though I’m good at it and it’s secure, but feel a bit stuck as I have a mortgage and kids (one of whom has SEN and I need the holidays off). I looked into retraining but I just can’t justify the cost when it’s such a niche area with few jobs. Wish I’d done it pre kids though!!

I think you did the right thing too. As parents I feel we take the decision to bring them into the world and in doing so accept that our responsibility is to look after them always. I do appreciate that there are MH issues here but this is what you are going f for your daughter. We love our parents dearly but it is not our responsibility to always look after them, my parents mention almost every time we speak (which is lots) that I “left them” to move to London after uni to get a job and settled here. Ironically they really encouraged me to go to uni and have more options in life than they had, but guilt trip me weekly. I a
in my 50s now!!!! It drives me bananas.

I wish I’d worked harder when I studied for my A Levels. My parents didn’t support me post 16 so I found a part time job that took up a lot of time I should have spent studying. I didn’t get into my first choice University and I often wonder how things might have turned out if I did. On the other hand I enjoyed my student years, made life long friends and my career has turned out fine so maybe it was all for the best.

Sorry to hear this, what was he addicted to?

I wish I'd worked harder at my a levels and at uni. This has affected my self esteem in the workplace.

Regret not having sex with different people when I was younger, was always scared of getting hurt and what my friends would think of me.

Regret not travelling more, still regret not having a work passion in life so that I could enjoy my work every day.

I have many regrets but I've been let off lightly compared to some above. My heart goes out to you all ❤️

So many of these life stories are so desperately sad, if any one needs to talk more about their feelings please do call the Samaritans as they are very good listeners, and just talking things through can bring a clarity and relief, enough to help someone see their path ahead more positively. Samaritans are not just there for people feeling suicidal but for any life difficulties and challenges.

If this thread was a couple of years older, my list of regrets would’ve been LONG. Not trying hard enough at school, getting crap A-Levels, going to a crap university, dropping out and working dead end jobs. Marrying my ex-h instead of leaving when I already knew I didn’t want to marry him. Making bad financial decisions.

Now, I see these things as mistakes that I couldn’t possibly have avoided because I was young and young people sometimes make bad decisions without realising. I have 2 beautiful children, a good job (that I don’t LOVE but it pays well and I’m relatively happy). The job was pure nepotism but I’ve worked very hard to make my own name and I am respected for my work and skills. We have a new head honcho who appreciates me and values my worth, and I work my butt off - and I will be eternally grateful that I was given the opportunity. I’m getting married to the absolute love of my life, we don’t own our home but we rent a lovely house in a lovely area, and I’m proud of it.

I made an impulse buy last week, and it really made me think about how life has changed in the last few years. I never would’ve been able to do that before.

The “regrets” got me to where I am now, and honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. The tough times made me appreciate the good, and built resilience that I never knew I had.

Now, I see these things as mistakes that I couldn’t possibly have avoided because I was young and young people sometimes make bad decisions without realising

I fully agree with this. Everyone on this thread should be kind to themselves! Choices when young are so difficult. Especially without a really dedicated supporting adult.

I deliberately refuse to at these as actual mistakes because, as others have said, the choices we make (good and bad) lead us through learning experiences and onto, hopefully, other, better things.

But my 51 year old brain questions what I was thinking when I:

*got married at 19 and then pregnant at 19. I was an actual child, emotionally!

*was unfaithful to husband #1 after less than 2 years. Yes we shouldn’t have got married.. it wasn’t working out, but it’s a source of deep shame that I did things THAT way. I’ve not been THAT person in forever.

*married new man and moved 250 miles away from my family to be with him (taking son away from vicinity of his dad) even though husband #2 had already shown his disloyal cards by lying/cheating (unproven at the time.. what goes around comes around?) ) behaviour in first year of our marriage.. and I did this just to keep him (wtf).

*much later (post husband #2 with whom I had two more children and was married to for 13 years with lots of angst-making unfaithful behaviour from him) spent five years in a relationship with an undiagnosed man on the spectrum, most of which was a deeply sad and lonely experience (I finally grew up a lot in those years though).

*and just LAST YEAR left a job I’d been happy in for 13 years to go use my degree in a job for the local government (what was I thinking in that alone.. for various reasons) which made me v stressed and unhappy. Huge mistake.. BUT led to me rectifying it by resigning and getting a new position in which I am very happy and valued. I have learned messing in recent years about the need to protect one’s own mental health so at least I listened to my inner voice and got out.

I will say I wouldn’t make the same relationship mistakes these days.. those lessons were hard-won but I did learn them. Husband #3 (since 2021) is kind, funny , supportive, a wonderful step dad (basically great in all the important ways).

I also question why university was never an option for me at a ‘normal age’. It’s a class thing I guess (which irks me) and I put myself through it in the end, much later, but I could definitely have been “universal material) back but in those days, to some of us, it was NEVER EVEN MENTIONED, much less considered as an option. (Would have probably diverted me from the Husband #1 “mistake” too.. and subsequent mistakes along the way I expects.. although would also have meant no DC1 . .. and possible DC 2&3.. so can’t regret)