Questions about British culture, please can I ask?

[treatingonasunday]

Hello, I am visiting England for a few months in October time and looking to possibly stay :)

I last came over in 2019 just before pandemic. I have a very close relationship with my Grandmother who is in good health.

I was born in Korea to an English mum and Korean father. My mum died in 2012 to ovarian cancer so I am heavily influenced by my father, a full Korean. But before this my mum raised me and a lot of her parenting style got a lot of… slack?

I am really just looking for some tips since I am now an adult and keen even more than before not to make mistakes!

I was hoping I could get some general tips.

My mum had a fairly well spoken accent because she went to University in Cambridge, but my Grandmother is Spanish speaking originally as she was born in Spain. My mum and her siblings grew up in Limehouse so East End area. Cousins and second cousins are all sounding very ‘Essex’ from the TV shows I can gather from 😃 and they do not speak Spanish because their dad or mum did not teach them this. Their culture is very British.

what would be a few things English people don’t like but might not be so obvious?

I have learned from UK shows and Googling! That British people would not tell someone they look fat. For example, it is normal and not rude at all to tell a friend not to wear that dress or buy it, because they look too fat. I understand this is really rude in the UK.

We also do not grin at strangers randomly yet UK seems to do this a lot and make small talk at random. Which is nice but in Korea most people would think you’re very strange for doing that

Thank you for all tips, I remember quite vividly my mum having a computer and she went on Mumsnet. This would’ve been around 2007-2011 time so a long time ago :)

I found the response to your comment really odd too: they are basic table manners as you said. It would be noticed if anybody ignored those when eating with friends or in public, and not in a good way!

I found the response to your comment really odd too: they are basic table manners as you said. It would be noticed if anybody ignored those when eating with friends or in public, and not in a good way!

I dunno, I can see stuff like not talking with mouth full being relevant. But holding both knife and fork when eating? And putting cutlery together when you've finished?

If people were eating with an American would they really be bothered if they held their cutlery and cut their food like Americans rather than the typical British way? I can't see it being that big a deal, especially when visiting family who know you are from another country.

There's a lot of this on this thread actually, the OP is asking for basic manners and social norms so she doesn't offend - she's not trying to pass herself off as British! As long as basic manners are adopted (which I'm sure they would be anyway) a lot of leeway will be given for nuanced and contextual behaviour.

I stand by all those points. If I'm eating in a restaurant or with others in a social setting I would absolutely notice all these things. Maybe we just all have different values.

안녕하세요 즐거운 여행하시길 바랍니다!

Oh gawd, the British cutlery rules. I completely fail on these (plus everything else, but I forget to even notice that I fail, that's how bad my failure is). My American relatives would probably be baffled if I asked them about cutlery rules, at least at informal meals.

LOL @ “in my circles”

Subtext: I’m of a higher social class than you and so are the people I mix with and we absolutely DO notice even the tiniest deviation in table manners. You’re obviously an ill-bred pleb who doesn’t mix in prestigious circles so of course table manners don’t matter to you”

😂

I understand that age hierarchy is very important in Korea, even if someone is only a year older than you. And asking people their age is common so as to know how to address people respectfully.

We don't really have that hierarchy here and it's considered rude to ask somebody how old they are if you don't know them well. Most people respect their elders to some degree, offering an older person a seat on public transport for example. But it's not a big thing like it is in Korea.

One rather random turn of phrase that confused a couple of friends from overseas recently was 'bring a bottle'. I don't think it's generally used as much nowadays as in previous decades but if someone invites you somewhere and says this (or if you ask if you should bring/contribute anything when visiting someone's home for a meal) this means 'bring whatever you would like to drink'.

PP mentioned that it's not considered polite to mention what you paid for something. The one exception to this is if you have got an absolute bargain. Eg. If someone says they like your dress it's perfectly OK to say 'It only cost me £1'. This is most commonly done when someone has brought something from a charity shop. On that subject, people in the UK who are well off are often very proud of buying things second hand, particularly in charity shops- as it shows that they want to be environmentally friendly, donate to charity and are not snobby. People who can only afford to buy things second hand are often embarrassed about it. This is similar to the fact that someone who is not particularly poor really will say that they are 'skint' after a holiday/purchase but people who are struggling financially are unlikely to want to mention it. It is not polite to ask someone if they bought their clothes from a charity shop (despite the fact that lots of people will brag about doing so), as this suggests that you think they are shabby.

Subtext: I’m of a higher social class than you and so are the people I mix with and we absolutely DO notice even the tiniest deviation in table manners. You’re obviously an ill-bred pleb who doesn’t mix in prestigious circles so of course table manners don’t matter to you”

Whereas I read that and thought 'how terribly lower middle class to care so much'. The higher classes mix enough cross culturally to not be bothered about someone from a different culture following their own table manners.

I doff my cap and tug my forelock to your superior class knowledge, m’lady.

Shuffles off walking backwards, whilst bowing and scraping

😂

@CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption 😂

Projecting somewhat ... this is not about class. Manners aren't about class or wealth and the examples I gave are hardly extreme, they are taught in schools to children from day one. The OP asked for suggestions of things they could do to avoid social faux pas in British culture, basic table manners are one area she may choose to consider. I'm not passing judgement, simply making a suggestion.

Good manners is following the etiquette of the setting.

If the etiquette of the setting is to get up as soon as one has finished eating and wash plate and cutlery then it would be good manners to follow suit. It would be bad manners to sit waiting on everyone else with cutlery together!

Etiquette and manners are not the same thing.

Sorry you lost your mum, me too (albeit a long time ago now).
Re culture - no you wouldn’t tell someone they looked fat but my good friends and I laugh about our bellies and middle-aged spread. I wouldn’t outright say ‘you’re fat’! My best friend fat though and knows it so doesn’t need my opinion!! If she was trying something on I’d say if it fitted or not but be subtle snd I’d expect the same in return.
In London people don’t tend to randomly smile or talk to each other - sometimes at a bus stop or while waiting in a queue but not really passing in the street and def not in the tube (I live in London too). I suppose it depends on the circumstance though.

I asked someone that in the phone at work the other day. A volunteer who was ringing up about something - I got a long description about her recent operation. I was not expecting that I can tell you 😆

Good manners is following the etiquette of the setting.

If the etiquette of the setting is to get up as soon as one has finished eating and wash plate and cutlery then it would be good manners to follow suit. It would be bad manners to sit waiting on everyone else with cutlery togethe

Yes I see your point, however I'd imagine in most scenarios where you are a guest in someone's home or meeting someone for a meal in a cafe or restaurant that would be unlikely. I can honestly say I've never been a guest in someone's home in the uk where they haven't remained seated until everyone finished.

bumping to thank @Happytohelp2 for suggesting Watching the English - what a great book, I borrowed it at the library (am not British nor in the UK) and have had several aha moments reading it. Some things make a lot more sense now!

We prefer people who self-deprecate, rather than those who speak too highly of themselves.

Glad it helped! Good luck.