Questions about British culture, please can I ask?

[treatingonasunday]

Hello, I am visiting England for a few months in October time and looking to possibly stay :)

I last came over in 2019 just before pandemic. I have a very close relationship with my Grandmother who is in good health.

I was born in Korea to an English mum and Korean father. My mum died in 2012 to ovarian cancer so I am heavily influenced by my father, a full Korean. But before this my mum raised me and a lot of her parenting style got a lot of… slack?

I am really just looking for some tips since I am now an adult and keen even more than before not to make mistakes!

I was hoping I could get some general tips.

My mum had a fairly well spoken accent because she went to University in Cambridge, but my Grandmother is Spanish speaking originally as she was born in Spain. My mum and her siblings grew up in Limehouse so East End area. Cousins and second cousins are all sounding very ‘Essex’ from the TV shows I can gather from 😃 and they do not speak Spanish because their dad or mum did not teach them this. Their culture is very British.

what would be a few things English people don’t like but might not be so obvious?

I have learned from UK shows and Googling! That British people would not tell someone they look fat. For example, it is normal and not rude at all to tell a friend not to wear that dress or buy it, because they look too fat. I understand this is really rude in the UK.

We also do not grin at strangers randomly yet UK seems to do this a lot and make small talk at random. Which is nice but in Korea most people would think you’re very strange for doing that

Thank you for all tips, I remember quite vividly my mum having a computer and she went on Mumsnet. This would’ve been around 2007-2011 time so a long time ago :)

I want to add also that in Korea schooling is different so I was up at 6am and school before 8.30am. You finished school at 4pm and then extra classes privately in small groups until about 9pm. Studying after dinner and to bed around 1/2am. Sleep not seen as something you’d need much of as a teenager

Work culture not as dire but similar. For example it is very rude to leave before your boss does, so if he goes at 10pm then so do you. I am medically trained (not a Dr), so different but generally that’s how it is

I'm sorry you lost your mum. Me too.

In UK it's absolutely fine to tell a good friend that they look fat.
Not some random trying something on.

Sounds like you have a really interesting history there. I wouldn't worry too much and just relax.

Obviously British culture can vary a lot.

Yes, as you say we would tend not to make direct personal comments to people such as them being fat, or other comments about their body.

Usually we would be mindful of other people if we chose to talk about issues that might be divisive such as religion or politics. Or personal information such as how much someone earns.

perhaps this is why we tend to talk about the weather very fluently!

Some British people have a tendency to say things out of ‘politeness’ that they may not mean, for example saying ‘we must meet for lunch/coffee’ but this may not be a genuine suggestion (can be hard to tell!)

I am sorry to hear this. All the best to you!

If I am honest I find London English/maybe textbook well spoken English easier to understand? I don’t know what I’m trying to say so please forgive me if it’s rude - for example with my cousins and on these TV shoes set in Essex, it is difficult to understand a lot of it, whereas I can read English great and I can have a full blown conversation if the person has like an Oxford or Cambridge accent? Is that normal? Is Essex accent quite a difficult dialect?

How lovely for you - I bet your family are do excited to see you.

Someone who knows better will be along soon, I’m sure. But in meantime …. Most people are good at queuing. If you are invited to someone’s house, it’s nice to take a small bunch of flowers or nice biscuits to thank your host. You should offer to take your shoes off , but the host should tell you not to worry. People are ridiculous about dogs, so be nice to their pets - they’re like children. Small talk - go for a comment about the weather.

thank you, I will keep this in mind as people have invited me to see them before for coffee but never followed up

You say you don’t say things directly to people that might offend if unpleasant, but is if correct to think you do say it behind their backs a lot anyway, when they are not there?

Lots of regional accents can be difficult - that’s what makes them so wonderful. I’m sure they’ll understand and speak more slowly for you. they’ll just be so happy to see you.

thank you. This is interesting. Here it isn’t unusual to get rid of a dog if you have a child on the way, because they are considered to be a risk for allergens

You cannot go to someone’s house as a guest empty handed. It is rude. But that person will then often look up your gift and give you one in return next time for the same value if that makes sense

It is a SIN not to remove your shoes before entering someone’s home in Korea :) Nobody wears shoes in the house, it is mandatory for them to come off

People like good quality socks because they’re seen a lot here!

Re telling somone they look fat. In general I'd say don't comment on people's body at all. It's none of your business, even if you think it's a positive. Like you're so skinny, is just a no go in my view.

Enjoy your visit! So sorry for your loss of your mum x

@treatingonasunday

I don’t personally say it behind their backs but of course some people can be gossipy and unpleasant.

If I actually notice someone seems to have put on weight then I assume they already know so I would just ignore it - as I am friends with people because I like them not because they are slim! If they ask me directly if they look fat in an outfit for example, then I would be cautious in my response so as not to offend. So I might complement the colour/style instead or very gently suggest that something less fitted might work.

I hope you enjoy your time in the U.K.

Yes, certainly don’t say anything negative about anyone’s appearance, especially weight or size, even a close friend. Compliments are ok, but even then nothing that could be interpreted as sexual or a chat up line.

Brits don’t like anything that sounds like boasting - so basically don’t say anything positive about yourself (“I’m not bad at the piano” probably means someone is a professional concert pianist) and definitely say nothing that implies you are better than the person you are speaking to. If they praise you then deflect it, for instance by saying you’ve been very lucky, or that someone else should get the credit (eg “my Mum taught me well”, “I’m very lucky that I had the chance to learn English at school” etc if praised for your English)
The weather is a safe topic - always. Money usually isn’t.
Never ever jump a queue. If you’re not sure if your place eg at a bar then check “ is it me next or we’re you here first?”

There’s a few to start off with! Good luck.
I’d recommend the book by Kate Fox on this stuff, it’s called “Watching the English”.

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

This is funny but true https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/chart-shows-what-british-people-say-what-they-really-mean-and-what-others-understand-a6730046.html

I hope you have a good time here.

My husband is from Essex and when we go abroad people often struggle to understand his accent, so I think it’s not uncommon! That accent drops a lot of letters and talk quite fast, I find. Smile and nod if you’re unsure what someone has said😀

Op I know what you mean.

I find dialect hard and I've often been told by foreigners they can understand me

Apologise constantly. Especially if you bump into anyone.

Say thank you a lot. And please. Sound like you are begging when asking basic things like for the time.

those are the basic rules I think… enjoy!!

I’d recommend the book by Kate Fox on this stuff, it’s called “Watching the English

I was going to recommend this book too. It's a really good read!

a few things English people don’t like but might not be so obvious?

Queue properly. This is a Number one thing, wait your turn even if you only have the briefest possible question and everyone else needs a service that takes 5 minutes minimum, don't even interrupt to ask a question like "Excuse me is John here today?" That's fine in American culture to intercede while others Q with a simple quick problem like that, but you'll get service refusal & daggers eyes for doing it in England.

on the other hand, if a new till opens in supermarket, it's everyone for themselves to dash to the newly opened line: in American culture we till operators would expressly invite the 1st people waiting in line to come over, but that almost never happens in England. It's a free for all here.

Watch where your cigarette smoke goes, or better yet, don't smoke at all.

Don't litter in front of others. Obviously no one will hassle you for littering you did that they don't see.

Be polite to wait staff (some cultures are not)

Don't start eating a meal while others are waiting for their food to arrive in a restaurant: and yes tucking in immediately would often be fine in USA, but in Britain, no no.

People are very weird here about how to make a cup of tea or wash dishes by hand. I can only suggest you watch youtube videos to start to get it.

Yes I’ve noticed a lot of apologising for random things, similar to the Japanese in some ways. They too go above and beyond with an apology, there is a phrase that translates literally to ‘on behalf of my ancestors, please forgive me’. And it’s in response to knocking over an empty cup

Koreans are different - If you bump into someone in public, you don’t even make eye contact. That it because we are generally very polite and respectful in our values, so we feel I suppose it is unnecessary to express a verbal apology when it should be known that as a people we wouldn’t do this on purpose

I personally like very polite people :)

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I also think this thread is lovely, and so wonderful to think about the cultural differences you may expect.

One I don’t think anyone has mentioned is that the british prefer never to talk about money. We don’t refer to others as rich or poor or comment on whether they are. Also we would not refer to ourselves as rich or poor usually, or ask anyone how much they earn or how much their house or clothing cost, or offer up the same information to others. I don’t know anyone from Korea but I have Chinese and Indian friends who find this aspect of British culture weird.

The british don’t like to seem boastful or proud. So if someone compliments you like if they say you look pretty you would usually say something like ‘oh thank you! Not at all i look a mess today!’ And if you compliment someone and they say the same, don’t be surprised.

The british are strange about doing favours for one another so someone may offer to pay for something or perhaps do some other kindness, but you should refuse the first time. If they offer a second time then you can accept the favour.

sorry this sounds strange and formal, i’m just thinking of the things that would surprise me if i wasn’t from here!

Don't start eating a meal while others are waiting for their food to arrive in a restaurant: and yes tucking in immediately would often be fine in USA, but in Britain, no no.

Koreans do not touch food until the eldest has started to eat. Only then can you begin to eat. I am fortunate enough to be young enough that I haven’t yet been the elder in any scenario! :)

There's a really common subtext here that half the things people say here are presumed to be veiled criticisms. So it's hard to factually say something like "that colour clashes with your eyes" or "you look fat in that." because it only gets heard as a passive aggressive dig.

What's more, If you praise someone ,it's possibly because you hate them for having things better than you.

In my culture if we praise someone it's because we genuinely admire them (!!)

Right before someone is about to fall hugely in public opinion, they'll be receiving the highest praise of all. Google "tall poppy syndrome."

omg, one of the worst things, when people answer "i don't mind".

Would you like a cup of tea? "i don't mind".

Shall we go to the museum? "i don't mind"
Would you like to watch Squid Games? "i don't mind"

I've only lived here 30 years so I haven't yet figured out what in the world "i don't mind" actually means

We are very polite but it’s often hiding a lot of passive aggression!

If someone asks ‘how are you’, you say ‘fine thanks, how are you’. It’s not an invitation to tell us how you are in any detail.

If we invite you to come to our house at a particular time then it’s polite to arrive about 10 minutes later, no more. Never arrive before the time on your invite - ever.

Lots of please and thank you, and always say sorry if you bump into someone or they bump into you.

Always make sure you join the end of the queue. If someone tuts then you are probably not at the end of it - if someone says ‘excuse me, the end of the queue is there’ then you are definitely not at the end of it.

One I don’t think anyone has mentioned is that the british prefer never to talk about money. We don’t refer to others as rich or poor or comment on whether they are. Also we would not refer to ourselves as rich or poor usually, or ask anyone how much they earn or how much their house or clothing cost, or offer up the same information to others. I don’t know anyone from Korea but I have Chinese and Indian friends who find this aspect of British culture weird.

Is this regional? I have cousins on FB and they definitely post sometimes about being ‘skint’ on their personal FB stories which I have learned to mean is specially having next to nothing at all. For example ‘perfect trip away to Lanzarote! Skint now though! Worth it with this one’

And by this one they mean a fiancé or something. It is all very confusing but my grandmother who has lived in the UK for years finds them comical and says they over share? So not necessarily a UK normal

There's a book you might like - 'Watching the English'. It's by an anthropologist who instead of researching some foreign culture researched social norms in England :-)