Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

I'm going to collect DS from Uni today

128 replies

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 07:46

He's dropping out. It was always going to be a big ask for him, he went just after his father died, but at the time a change of scenery was what he felt he needed.

He went late because of his dad's illness, so he's now 20, with no qualifications and no experience, poor MH and no social life.

He's refusing to take medication or to have counselling and spending all day on his computer. I "know" what he needs to do, I'd like to put him on a programme of personal care, fresh air and exercise alongside getting involved in the community , reconnecting with friends, finding work and accepting some medical help, but as an adult, how do I make it happen? He will find all of that way outside his comfort zone and whilst I can encourage, I can't make him, especially when I'll be out at work. I know he has to do it when he's ready, but what happens meantime?

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

OP posts:

Chrysanthemum5 · 13/05/2023 07:54

So sorry to hear this will he pass this year? Because that will help if he may go back in the future.

As for the present all you can do is baby steps. Pick small targets eg 10 minutes outside and go for that. Build up gradually to larger steps.

You can talk to him about how the comfort zone is really comfortable but just outside is the growth zone and that's where fun and joy happen

But maybe just let him have a bit of time with no pressure now he's home?

I have an autistic daughter who currently lives in her room and the above are the things we are being advised to try - I hope they help you as well.

BalloonSlayer · 13/05/2023 07:58

I am so sorry, i do feel for him, poor lad.

As you say you can't 'make' him do anything, but I wonder if you could insist that he gets a job, using the 'as you are not studying you need to be working' line of argument. Because a job will give him routine, get him out of the house, help him meet people etc. Even if it's really boring it will break up the day.
Even if you have the money to support him not working, pretend you don't.

BalloonSlayer · 13/05/2023 08:00

Sorry just re-read and seen you said he wouldn't be able to do that!

RhinestoneCowgirl · 13/05/2023 08:06

I agree with others that maybe taking the pressure off, providing good meals and gentle encouragement to get outside every day is important first step.

I dropped out of uni very depressed (although I did take the medication) and have never forgotten my parents love and care at that time.

I am now at university in my mid 40s and have had varied work history up until now.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now, I wish you well.

Tiggy321 · 13/05/2023 08:06

My DS dropped out of school, MH problems etc. He has ups and downs but has worked full time for a while now - saved money and then gone travelling. Is now back and working again and planning to go away again soon. He will not be persuaded to go back to education despite being very bright :( I would give your son a few weeks to settle back at home and then tell him he has to get a job, doing anything. It will give his day structure m, get him out of the house and talking to people. I know from bitter experience it's not that easy BUT be encouraging without judging and just let him be for a while. My Ds rarely sees friends and literally goes to work and then home. Not much life for a 21 year old but I try not to think about it too much. They will find their path eventually I hope. Goodluck. I would also gently suggest counselling or similar but as you say you can't force anything. Does he have siblings? I have found that to be helpful in that they can talk a little bit more to them rather than parent.

CorneliaStreetAgain · 13/05/2023 08:08

My siblings and I lost a parent when we were in our teens so i know the heartache he's going through. With that in mind ... your lad needs some tough love now. Tell him he's had a rough time but now he needs to turn things around. He's got to get a job - any job - and he's got to keep himself and his room clean.

Say you want him to make tea a couple of nights a week - even if it's just beans on toast to start with - when you get home.

Point out his dad wouldn't want him to live this way and uni isn't for everyone but there are many opportunities out there and he needs to grab them.

💐 for you.

DustyLee123 · 13/05/2023 08:09

Just keep saying it, not in a nagging way, in an ‘it won’t get better until you do something about it’ way.

Gtsr443 · 13/05/2023 08:10

Give him time and give him space. Don't pressure him. He'll find his way.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 13/05/2023 08:14

I agree with the space thing.

As Long as you have the funds to support an adult in the house for now.

My dd has dropped out of sixth form. We tried nagging, pleading, asking nicely, reasoning with her, encouraging her. Nothing worked. It's drove wedge deeper down.

Now we say nothing about school or the future. We care for her needs and encourage her to go out and she is gradually coming back. Coming down stairs watching tv with us. Going out with school
Friends. Talking of a part time job.

Have a look at the partnering not parenting website. Good luck

Xrays · 13/05/2023 08:14

DustyLee123 · 13/05/2023 08:09

Just keep saying it, not in a nagging way, in an ‘it won’t get better until you do something about it’ way.

Wow that isn’t going to help. That sounds like nagging and putting the blame on him.

Yes it would be good for him to do certain things but he’s probably just at his lowest right now. I’d just take all pressure off, be loving and supportive and reassure him that he has lots of time to make decisions about what to do long term. It doesn’t matter re university. I dropped out of university as did dh. We’re doing okay. Make sure he knows it isn’t the end of the world and the most important thing is his health and happiness.

After a few weeks if he’s still not functioning I’d gently suggest he does need medication or to seek further support (my dh has been on citalopram long term and it’s been life changing for him).

Nothingfallingdowntoday · 13/05/2023 08:14

i hope someone comes along with good advice. Sounds very similar to my situation and there is no simple or quick wins that I have found. Grieving a parent is awful at anytime but in my experience teens and young adults really struggle.

I am encouraging my DD to get a job. If she is old and well enough to ignore mine and the dr advice, then she needs to be working. I am hoping this will kick start a positive element in her routine but who knows. It is also binary. If she is not well enough to apply for jobs then she needs to work on getting better. Starting with self care, medical etc just as you mentioned.

Remember to look after yourself as much as you can but even writing that sounds trite.

Finally try not to think black and white. Life is not over by coming home from
uni. He can go back, he clearly does have qualifications but equally he might go on another path.

Sorry rubbish reply but know you are both not alone and I’m sure we will find away.

Singleandproud · 13/05/2023 08:16

DBro had to be picked up in a similar state due to MH, he found going outside in the daytime impossible but was fine at night so he and my parents would go out for night walks instead, I suppose there's less pressure as less people.

I'd give him a few weeks to decompress and then start encouraging better habits, if he can't work outside the house then he takes over cooking responsibilities etc, hell probably grumble as it feels like a chore but creating something and contributing to family life is important.

RandomMess · 13/05/2023 08:17

Did his Dad have any hobbies or interests? Try the Dad would be very honoured if you took up doing x and carried on?

Would he entertain a cruise bereavement counsellor coming to your home to talk to both of you?

JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2023 08:18

Really sorry to hear this & can somewhat relate too. There really is nothing you can do at this age except be there for him however frustrating it is for you. I can’t make my similarly-aged DCs do anything they don’t want to do & when I have succeeded in this (rarely) it never works.
If you want You can give him some sort of timeline in that he’ll need some time to get over the process of dropping out, but losing a parent young is awful (happened to me, but younger). Many get in touch w a bereavement charity or similar.
The jury’s out as to whether my youngest DC will make it to uni in Sept but as least they are currently working (deferred place due to bad MH last summer) and sees friends so I remain hopeful and atm he wants to go but it’s 50/50 whether he makes it and/or stays.

LlynTegid · 13/05/2023 08:22

If he got into university he has qualifications to get there to begin with, which may be of value in getting him a job or whatever he decides to do next.

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 08:25

He's refusing to take medication or to have counselling and spending all day on his computer.

and he could well do that if he had his own home and money.

He doesn’t. He is reliant on you, which therefore gives you much more weight.

I would make clear that I want him under my roof, I want to support him during this time BUT there has to be some give from him too. And I would urge medication to kick start.

if he point blank disagrees, then it might be a case of tough love

CorneliaStreetAgain · 13/05/2023 08:29

He needs to hit the ground running, not be allowed to mope in his bedroom - sounds like he did plenty if that at uni.

Like I said, tough love is needed now.

fUNNYfACE36 · 13/05/2023 08:31

Could he not at least finish the year and then when he's ready carry on again.or has he failed it?

familyissues12345 · 13/05/2023 08:33

Has he finished the year?

FatGirlSwim · 13/05/2023 08:34

DustyLee123 · 13/05/2023 08:09

Just keep saying it, not in a nagging way, in an ‘it won’t get better until you do something about it’ way.

I wouldn’t. It sounds as though his mental health is so poor that he is unable to ‘do something about it’ and saying it will just make him feel useless because he can’t do what he needs to do.

You could have a conversation with him about medication and counselling but for now I’d just support.

This is really tough, op, I’m sorry your boy is going through this.

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 08:35

Presumably you’re collecting him at the end of the university year anyway??

So… get through the summer with tough love ie medication, exercise

and see how September is

watcherintherye · 13/05/2023 08:35

Would he entertain a cruise bereavement counsellor

I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to be pedantic, it’s just that if you want to contact them the name of the organisation is CRUSE Bereavement Support.

Yellowdays · 13/05/2023 08:38

He needs to get a job. One of mine also dropped out and his attitude went from bad to worse, until we insisted he work. As much out of desperation as anything. In our case, a deadline was needed. He was not happy about it, to say the least. I heard him on the phone to his friend online the first week he started work, saying how much better he felt.

It takes them out of themselves and forces them to socialise and to stop ruminating. Mine just got a manual job , but over time they move on.

Muppetshair · 13/05/2023 08:39

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 07:46

He's dropping out. It was always going to be a big ask for him, he went just after his father died, but at the time a change of scenery was what he felt he needed.

He went late because of his dad's illness, so he's now 20, with no qualifications and no experience, poor MH and no social life.

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

He is incredibly vulnerable to self harm.

You have both been through dreadful traumas with his Dads terminal illness and premature death. Don’t underestimate this - you both need some gentle loving time to reconnect.

Don’t berate him for ‘failing’ he has been incredibly strong and courageous to survive these painful years and to go off to Uni at this time.

No judgement, just TLC and space. One day at a time so he is kindly nurtured back to life. He is fragile.

Speak with Uni to see if there are any credits to transfer or if he can start the year again etc. There are degree apprentice opportunities etc - but don’t stress about this - it’s more important that his MH is supported because without that nothing is possible.

Good luck.

kingtamponthefurred · 13/05/2023 08:39

I think you make it happen by being supportive, but making it clear that if he is not going back to university, he needs to do something else. Unless you are able and willing to have him in his bedroom and on his computer indefinitely.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread