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Original poster

I'm going to collect DS from Uni today

128 replies

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 07:46

He's dropping out. It was always going to be a big ask for him, he went just after his father died, but at the time a change of scenery was what he felt he needed.

He went late because of his dad's illness, so he's now 20, with no qualifications and no experience, poor MH and no social life.

He's refusing to take medication or to have counselling and spending all day on his computer. I "know" what he needs to do, I'd like to put him on a programme of personal care, fresh air and exercise alongside getting involved in the community , reconnecting with friends, finding work and accepting some medical help, but as an adult, how do I make it happen? He will find all of that way outside his comfort zone and whilst I can encourage, I can't make him, especially when I'll be out at work. I know he has to do it when he's ready, but what happens meantime?

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

OP posts:
chocolatenutcase · 13/05/2023 12:46

@TammyJones @Muppetshair my DD is much improved. It took 12 months and she chose to continue and do her 3rd year Uni at home although in reflection she feels she might have been better taking a year out because she really didn't engage properly. I'm glad she continued. She passed the year which was remarkable. She just completing final year and she's been back at Uni, socialising, doing sports, working hard. It's been a good year so far. But we've both learnt things along the way. As a PP said - I had to put my oxygen mask on so I had some counselling, and prioritised some time out for me each week. We talked lots. She was honest with me. She still phones lots when it's tough but she's figuring out her triggers and stresses.
There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's a very long tunnel and most if the time there wasn't a light.

TammyJones · 13/05/2023 13:29

@chocolatenutcase
Thank you for sharing.
What an inspiration story and give hope to many in a similar situation.
It just goes to show that with patience, intelligence and a shed load of love, just exactly what can be achieved.
And how important self love is. ( when you took counselling for yourself)
You can't pour from an empty cup.

Muppetshair · 13/05/2023 13:45

Really good to see this turnaround @chocolatenutcase for your DD. It does take lots of time, care, dedication and faith - which you have given and she has taken to get better. It must have been tough. But I hope you are really proud and I suspect that you have a deeper and more precious bond as a result of these difficult times.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 14:10

Well we're about half way home, stopped for coffee.

He has not stopped talking, which is such a change from when he was home for Easter. 🙂

OP posts:
Muppetshair · 13/05/2023 14:19

Ahh that’s lovely and a really good start.

He might have felt so isolated and alone with his distress (I imagine other students are not necessarily up to the job of providing emotional support) - sounds like he is relieved and able to discharge to you.

Take care of yourself

Thehonestybox · 13/05/2023 14:32

OP I work at a university (not in a job that requires a degree) and I always tell students my biggest regret is NOT dropping out of uni. Indecision is so much worse than stepping back and taking stock.

It's a really brave move to accept that it's either not the right time to do a degree, or that it may never be right, because either way he's making a decision and not just muddling through and getting worse MH.

He will be fine. Just let him have some space and time, and encourage to do something else in the meantime - job, travelling, volunteering, etc

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 15:23

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 14:10

Well we're about half way home, stopped for coffee.

He has not stopped talking, which is such a change from when he was home for Easter. 🙂

Isn’t it the last day of the uni year?! rather than him jacking it in?

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 15:25

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 14:10

Well we're about half way home, stopped for coffee.

He has not stopped talking, which is such a change from when he was home for Easter. 🙂

Because it’s the end of the university year and all exams etc are over with!

Has he actually dropped out? Ie notified the university he won’t be returning in September

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 15:25

whereas Easter holiday is horrible because it’s just revision revision revision

Livelovebehappy · 13/05/2023 15:59

Don’t worry about the uni thing OP. Uni is overrated, and many people I went to uni with, once they finished their courses, just went into jobs where they didn’t even need their uni degrees. Give him a few weeks minus any pressure, then spend time with him, talking and trying to find out what he would like to do. He will have some thoughts on this, although they might be vague ones. Then sit with him, go online and sift through things he might be interested in. Even if unpaid voluntary work, just so he can start focusing on something. You sound lovely and caring. I’m sure things will turn out fine, although it probably just needs time and patience.

millymae · 13/05/2023 16:21

Sorry OP - haven’t read the whole thread but if making contact with the charity Grief Encounter hasn’t already been recommended by someone please take a look.
I came upon the charity quite by accident when I began following a young man on Instagram who was walking the British Coastline to raise funds for them.
He had discovered his father dead in bed when he was a teenager and whilst the charity didn’t exist back then he felt that the help and support it offers to young people and their families would have been of great help to him.

TammyJones · 13/05/2023 16:33

That's lovely op
Me and my son are very close and talk a lot.
He go to Uni and enjoyed it - but not before spectacularly failing his A levels.
They are many routes and paths
He's going to be ok with you having his back.

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 13/05/2023 16:48

He DOES have qualifications, just not degree-level ones - yet. He is only 20 there is loads of time and he’s been through such personal trauma during the pandemic. I think it’s understandable. You sound really kind and caring. I would let him have a few weeks to decompress and see how he is at home without adding any pressure, a change of scenery and being with family can in itself be enough to lift mood at this age if he’s lucky.

Then if he starts to pick up a bit encourage him out to do a bit of voluntary work. I am a Cub Scout leader and would recommend getting involved with that, while letting them know what’s been going on so they know only to ask of him what he can really give right now. He can keep it as literally just showing up once a week for an hour and a half to whatever they’re doing and helping supervise the general unruliness! Being around young children really takes you out of yourself and keeps you in the moment and scouting forces you to go hiking and cooking over fires and kayaking and all that good stuff. Especially in summer term. We have just recently taken on a 19 year old autistic young man who has dropped out of Uni having found it too overwhelming, and we’re careful not to overwhelm him but he’s really helping us and is actually a great asset, is super enthusiastic and you can see he’s growing in confidence every week.

if he’s going the other way I’d have another chat about counselling and/or medication and point out that this isn’t a sustainable situation for him long term so if being at home in itself isn’t helping enough he needs to look for more support. As his mum I bet you can persuade him and he’ll be able to see where you’re coming from.

Also worth being aware that schizophrenia can kick in around this age and start with social withdrawal. Not to worry you but just to keep in mind, in this scenario especially if there is no family history of psychotic illness then depression and grief issues seem much more likely. Especially if he’s chatting away to you today in the car, that’s really encouraging.

WeaselKingHenry · 13/05/2023 17:34

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 14:10

Well we're about half way home, stopped for coffee.

He has not stopped talking, which is such a change from when he was home for Easter. 🙂

It’s probably pure relief of knowing uni is over and he’s coming home x you sounds like a fab mum and he clearly appreciated your presence

lljkk · 13/05/2023 17:40

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 14:10

Well we're about half way home, stopped for coffee.

He has not stopped talking, which is such a change from when he was home for Easter. 🙂

Talking is brilliant.
Why are you in a house that is much too big?

mathanxiety · 13/05/2023 18:03

Very solid advice from @Justaboutalive.

In particular, I second the advice to turn off the internet overnight, but it's all sound.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 18:23

How will turning off the Internet help? He's way more tech savvy than me and there are phone hot spots. I'm sure he'd find a way round it. I recently did an Internet safety course aimed at parents of much younger children. Their advice was that turning off the Internet doesn't work and just gives a false sense of security because even very young children will find a way round it, use the neighbour's or use your phone hot spot instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 18:26

lljkk · 13/05/2023 17:40

Talking is brilliant.
Why are you in a house that is much too big?

Show quote history

Are you really asking why I haven't sold the house DH and I raised our kids in as soon as he passed?

OP posts:
lljkk · 13/05/2023 18:45

My apologies, I missed the part about his dad dying.
I asked because You seemed burdened by the size of the house. I guess that's something else I completely didn't understand correctly.

Fizbosshoes · 13/05/2023 18:46

I ended up not sitting my A levels and not going to uni due to MH issues (I was a bright student and I imagine my teachers expected I would go to uni)
I did have both out patient and in patient treatment and medication, but I don't remember my parents making any demands of me. I definitely wasn't asked to cook meals or do any chores.
I did get a pt job, learnt to drive and started a college course after several months. But I don't remember any ultimatums. (And I was not grieving a parent)

I'm quite surprised at the "start looking for a job on Monday" replies. My instinct would be to leave him for a few weeks to settle/recharge. Even not having the pressure, expectations, deadlines of university might help...

7eleven · 13/05/2023 19:08

Your poor boy (and you). Thank goodness he’s coming home. You need each other.

For now, I’d insist on nothing other then he showers everyday, gets out in the daytime for 10 mins and eats a good meal.

Best of luck x

Yellowdays · 13/05/2023 19:10

It's early days yet, given you've just collected him.

But IF he is practically nocturnal after 3 months, and gaming all night , which you would be doing him (or yourself) absolutely no favours to let it continue. If they aren't working, it can easily slide this way, whoever he is. That is NOT good for his mental health either. My own ds said so himself.

See how things go.

FortofPud · 13/05/2023 19:17

I would start by really congratulating him for dropping out. Celebrate it. He reslised a path was not the right one and pulled the plug - so many don't (for various things, not just uni) and trudge on and on until they can't even find a way out. He had the wisdom to remove himself from a situation that wasn't working for him and that is the absolute opposite of a failure. I hope that framing it will like that will also help him to feel motivated to find the path that is one for him.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/05/2023 21:22

I'd try and see if you can get him helping you in the garden, it's a very good activity for helping with poor MH. Out in the fresh air etc.

hopefully now he's home he's going to feel much better.

Justaboutalive · 13/05/2023 22:05

How will turning off the Internet help?

Hi, For my aunt and cousin, turning off the internet was for 2 things

1- making sure he doesn’t go down any internet chat room rabbit holes. Think of many of them as using Dr Google to diagnose an illness, enough truth to seem correct, but in reality, it’s unlikely to be that bad. Not what is needed at 2am when you’re feeling vulnerable, or even if you’re not.

2- to promote a healthy sleep pattern, by discouraging all nighters, or procrastination in sleeping while he doesn’t have anything he has to get up for.

I think the key is to agree the rules together, not to impose them. To accept that temptation is likely to be worse late at night. After all if you were on a diet, you wouldn’t have a bar of chocolate sitting on every side table - it doesn’t stop you going to the all night shop to buy chocolate, but you’re more likely to keep to the diet if there’s none in the house.

MH problems are known to be very much helped by a good sleep pattern, exercise and a good diet. You sound like a bloody brilliant Mum, so your DS stands every chance of getting through this and I’m sure you will decide what is right for you. I was just sharing some things that were successful in my family

it is definitely NOT a tough love approach, but one of working together. Like a diet, there will be slip ups - there’s bound to be. It doesn’t mean it won’t work.