I'm going to collect DS from Uni today

[Bluemuf]

He's dropping out. It was always going to be a big ask for him, he went just after his father died, but at the time a change of scenery was what he felt he needed.

He went late because of his dad's illness, so he's now 20, with no qualifications and no experience, poor MH and no social life.

He's refusing to take medication or to have counselling and spending all day on his computer. I "know" what he needs to do, I'd like to put him on a programme of personal care, fresh air and exercise alongside getting involved in the community , reconnecting with friends, finding work and accepting some medical help, but as an adult, how do I make it happen? He will find all of that way outside his comfort zone and whilst I can encourage, I can't make him, especially when I'll be out at work. I know he has to do it when he's ready, but what happens meantime?

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

Oh my at some of these replies 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's still early days and your son is still young. If it takes him a while to get sorted it's not going to matter in the long run. I've known plenty of young people faulted at this age and then carried on to get decent jobs and have good lives.
I'd just mother him and encourage him to get some sort of job and to look after himself.

Has he any friends at home?

I'd see if he would agree to some blood tests to see if there is anything that he needs help with medically. You could do it privately if you can afford it.

Could you afford/ manage a holiday? I feel like somewhere incredibly soothing (lake Garda esque) would be a great break between uni and home.

Ah, your poor lad. We’ve been there, in very similar circumstances.

first of all, all he needs for the next few weeks all he needs is love, and food. Total unconditional familiarity etc.

try to encourage him to go outside - even for just a few minutes, even just in your garden if you have one.

explain that being at home as an adult comes with some responsibilities - maybe set him the task of cutting the grass, making dinner a few times a week and build up.

if he cannot face a job right now then it’s a series of mini challenges to give him self worth. Like, today you need to shower before noon, today you need to walk to the shop for milk, tomorrow I want you to walk the dog etc. if studying and people are beyond him for now, could he pick up gardening or dog walking work in your town?

and finally, he is only 20, and with poor mental health. He’s has a battering from life so far - but he’s got another 60 years or more hopefully to find his way.

He is incredibly vulnerable to self harm

Oh don't go frightening the OP unnecessarily!

Home today - job hunting tomorrow or Monday at a push.

I’m sorry your DS is struggling. He is lucky to have such a caring mother.
I would look at this time as a reset. He probably needs his confidence boosting as well.

I agree that meditation may well be the key to kickstart his recovery although everyone is different.

Is there any way you could perhaps encourage a conversation about him accessing suitable counselling if he refuses medication? I would also contact some organisations, does Winstons Wish have an older bereaved children section? They were great when my DCs’ fathers died but they were younger.

As an aside , l had to leave uni in the 90s due to poor mental health. My parents didn’t really “get it” and that was a horrible feeling on top of everything else, I felt like a complete failure. Your DS has you on side so I feel hopeful you’ll get through this., both of you.

I wouldn’t start off my letting him
have a month or so of doing nothing, that won’t help long term. Perhaps a week, but then he can slowly, slowly start to engage more, very short walks, at night if necessary. Perhaps a little volunteering role in an organisation which means something to him. What about as a mentor to younger , bereaved children? Not right now, obviously, but it’s something to work for.

He is young OP, he has time and you on his side.

best of luck.

and finally, he is only 20, and with poor mental health. He’s has a battering from life so far -

Agree with this post. This (hopefully) will be the lowest point in his life - so incremental daily challenges.

Compassion, support, encouragement and hope. For you both.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. If it helps at all, I went through the same with my DS2 years ago (he was 21). He was in quite a bad way when he came back, very depressed and anxious, underweight, not sleeping, etc.

It's difficult as you want them to do all the things you've said as you know it'll help them, but you can't force him and you'll end up falling out if you push to hard (as I learned from bitter experience!)

For the first couple of weeks, he'll probably just want to sit in his before which will drive you mad. Try and just be there to listen, encourage him to eat by cooking things he enjoys. We have a dog which really helped as DS would quite often walk him with me.

Very slowly, he began to heal and is in a better place now. Not 100%, but is at least working part time and has a girlfriend. He still spends a lot of time sitting around, but he's generally happier in himself.

It's horrible to see your child like this, and I found I got very low at points too. Do try and look after yourself as well. I actually had counselling myself which really helped me to process how I was feeling, which in turn helped me to support him, so this may be something to consider.

Better still - a walking holiday in the Lake or Peak District. Fresh air, exercise, let nature do some healing, then a hearty pub meal and a good sleep.

Talking is often easier when walking.

I think this is sound advice, if you bring him home and then do everything for him while he sits in his room there is a real risk of him never sorting himself out.

Have a chat adult to adult about the household costs and chores and what needs to be done. His independence is going to hinge on this.

Defo baby steps.

What is he passionate about OP? Other than hai computer what does he enjoy doing?

This is a good idea, if financially possible.

Been there OP and have sent you a PM.

This is not the time for tough love.

let him heal
give him time op
gentle encouragement

Most important thing is help him see what he gained from his recent experience - what he learnt about himself, the skills he developed. Children have the impression if they drop out of uni they have failed - the opposite is true - if they drop out of uni they have worked out the path they are on is not right for them so time to gather what they have learnt and find a new path to start. And maybe the new path is not always right - but that is the richness of life because all paths we take lead us to our future its just sometimes we have to jump onto another path as we go.
Five children in our family - every single one of us started uni and changed our paths. 20 years plus on all of us went back to uni in the end and did different courses. One sister law, the other sister accounting, my brother is a uni professor and my sister is a senior government official and I had a great career using my second attempt at uni plus a post graduate qualification.
Please make sure that he does not see dropping out as a failure as all experiences are part of our journey in life to discover who we are.

Excellent advice from your lived experience.

What’s really important is to recognize the pace and time it takes for MH to recover. It’s not 5 days of anti-biotics or a 2 week flu. It’s many weeks and months of slow sustainable work.

Speaking from experience here...only you know your son of course but IMO tough love is not the answer here, at least not yet.
He needs time to recover just as he would from a physical illness.

Feed him well, let him sleep and gently encourage exercise and more importantly perhaps, a trip to the GP for some medication. Just be a friend for a bit rather than a parent.

If you use Facebook please consider joking the private group 'Parenting Mental Health' which is a invaluable source of compassionate support.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/childrens-mental-health/self-harm/

From the link:

Some difficult experiences or emotions can make self-harm more likely:

• experiencing depression, anxiety or eating problems

• having low self-esteem or feeling like they’re not good enough

• being bullied or feeling alone

• experiencing emotional, physical or sexual abuse, or neglect

• grieving or having problems with family relationships

• feeling angry, numb or like they don't have control over their lives.

Understandably the OPs DS has a few of these risk factors.

He is vulnerable and needs appropriate structured care at the right pace - not ‘tough love’.

I had a breakdown in my late teens and what would have helped was support, time, gentle encouragement etc. I didn’t get that and ended up in a MH hostel at 19 with a clutch of GCSEs and nothing else. Anyway, eventually I started voluntary work and from there low paid work. Went to uni in my late twenties and now in my forties in a well paid professional job.

Try not to worry. This is such a short time in his life. We get caught up in needing to do things at the right time and there really is no hurry. His MH has to be the priority ATM. The rest will fall into place.

You sound like a lovely mum.

I started Uni the week after my father died (funeral Thursday and attended the freshers fair the Monday after). I was 18 and desperate to get away from the grief and shock at home. Of course it came with me. I made bad choices, drank too much, danced nights away at clubs. I was avoiding being in my room alone, that was when I would cry. So if your ds has been sitting alone on his computer every day/ night he will have dwelled on his feelings and got lost in them. I feel for him, it is life changing the loss of a parent so young.

He may need to have time and space and care, opportunities to do things but not too much pressure. He will be grieving and feeling a failure for not making it through he needs time to work though this.

I made it through my degree and met my future husband at Uni (not that we had any inkling of that at the time!). So I don't regret my decision to go straight to uni as planned, and it certainly is what my dad wanted for me. But I know it was difficult for my mum and my younger siblings so I feel guilty about that.

Op your Ds will have all sorts of conflicting feelings churning around at the moment so if he doesn't have friends and others to help him get perspective he may need grief counseling your local Cruse charity may be a place to start as they can offer support.

I know you mean well but I think telling DC that their deceased family member "wouldn't have wanted them to live this way" can be really damaging. I know it just made me feel worse - I couldn't help being depressed and it just made me feel guilty and like they would have been ashamed of me. I pushed myself into doing things I wasn't ready for "to make them proud" and it caused me to have a breakdown. I'd tread really carefully - he needs care and love not pressure.

I don’t know if I’ve missed this, but if he isn’t going out much, he might want to consider being tested for his Vit D level at the GP. A deficiency can have a huge effect on mood.

This sounds really hard for him and you. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what will help. As somone who have had mh issues and has to take medicine to stay well I agree with your approach. Doing all this stuff when you are at your lowest is hard though.

I wonder if trying to get him involved in a mental health service like a recovery center or similar with people his age might help? Then he's hearing this stuff from peers.
I know support is patchy and my experience is working for drug and alcohol charities where people can come together to support each other. I'm wondering if something similar exists for mh and bereavement?

I don’t know if this will help but it helped enormously with my DD who was spiralling badly.
I knew she needed exercise and I knew she would resist if I pushed so I just gradually introduced a walk with her into my own routine. A local quiet spot - I asked her to come with me for company, that I needed fresh air and exercise but j found it hard to make myself do it. We just walked, picked up a coffee on the way and gently we started speaking. I found it really really hard not to give her unsolicited advice or pressure her to do other things to help but I got better at that. it really helped. It took ages but eventually she trusted me and we found ways through together

as I said, it may not help but for her I realised that making us a team rather than my fear trying to fix her did help us both quite a bit. Telling her my worries too stopped her feeling like a problem to be fixed iyswim
best wishes to both of you - I know the fear xxx

I'm struck by how no one has asked OP how she's doing, having been widowed at quite a young age. How are you doing, OP? This must be woe piled on woe for you. Are you getting any support?

I don't know what you do with depressed children if they won't accept medication and help. My dad died when I was a few years older than your son, OP, but by that point I had a job and a few friends and was living independently and I managed to keep going. It wasn't easy but I emerged a bit wiser and more grown-up. One of the things I was determined not to do was to lean too hard on my mum who was having a bad time of her own, having to sell the family home.

I know that what got me through was that I had to get up, get dressed and go off to work and think about something else. If I'd been in a position to spend all day in my room on my own with my computer I fear I'd still be there. I have friends and acquaintances who have been nearly dragged under by children and partners with MH issues and I think it's really important for you to have boundaries and be able to set rules. As others have suggested, give him the responsibility of cooking, drawing up shopping lists, maybe even doing the shopping himself.

I wish you both luck.

He's grieving, you all are. I'm sorry for your loss.
Does he talk about his dad much? Perhaps he's bottling it up. Have the family had any bereavement counselling?

It might seem like it now but I can guarantee all is not lost just because he's dropped out uni. He can return to education or if he doesn't there are some great careers without a degree.