I'm going to collect DS from Uni today

[Bluemuf]

He's dropping out. It was always going to be a big ask for him, he went just after his father died, but at the time a change of scenery was what he felt he needed.

He went late because of his dad's illness, so he's now 20, with no qualifications and no experience, poor MH and no social life.

He's refusing to take medication or to have counselling and spending all day on his computer. I "know" what he needs to do, I'd like to put him on a programme of personal care, fresh air and exercise alongside getting involved in the community , reconnecting with friends, finding work and accepting some medical help, but as an adult, how do I make it happen? He will find all of that way outside his comfort zone and whilst I can encourage, I can't make him, especially when I'll be out at work. I know he has to do it when he's ready, but what happens meantime?

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

So sorry this is happening. Don’t let him slip into the habit of being on his computer in his room all day. Put a routine in place quickly. so he has to wash up after breakfast, feed the cat, go for a walk together, sweep the path etc.

Just dashing back in to say that while I can see where people suggesting that he be encouraged to earn some money doing dog-walking while people are on holiday, or gardening (this is certainly peak lawn-mowing time), both of those are solitary pursuits and can offer the opportunity for more introspection and dark thoughts.

Round my way (rural edge of a city) there are several social enterprises where people grow fruit and veg to go in veggie-boxes and supplying local restaurants and retailers. I know a coupe that get some funding for offering work and community to people with MH problems. DS might find something suitable in your area. The work gets people out into the open air, with others (some of them trained to support MH issues), picking fruit and veg, packing and delivering veg boxes. It could be a gentle, supportive move for him, and some sunshine and physical exertion can work wonders.

I know you mean well

Please don't patronise me. I'm speaking from the perspective of losing an adored parent at 17, my siblings were slightly younger. OP's son has had a year suffering at university and it really is time to move on and not treat him as "fragile" and talking about "baby steps"

Childhood parental loss is sadly all too common and no good will come from letting him retreat to his room one year on and mithering him about medication and counselling (good luck with finding an effective counsellor if you do go down that route and in finding the right meds).

He needs routine, occupation, fresh air, exercise, a social life.

Best of luck, OP.

So in practise, what are you actually suggesting?

I am sorry you are both going through this.
This is almost our exact situation. My son has withdrawn from his first year. He is 5 hours away and I can’t pick him up for a few weeks. I have made it clear that he needs to get a job or study again in September so he has purpose and structure. He hides out in his room for weeks at a time otherwise. X

Poor guy, brave to admit it is not working though. Does he need to fully drop out? Any chance he has credits he can transfer for a subsequent course? Don't worry about his age , there are plenty of older or mature students should he recover enough to want to resume.

I would just let him know that you love him and are proud of him for even trying uni. He will be feeling bad enough in himself, last thing he needs is any more negativity. This path wasn't for him, but there are plenty more. Reset, recharge and then off again. I think there is an unrealistic view that young people who need to take time out won't ever turn themselves around, yet so many do. We're not all meant to charge through life at 100 miles an hour, this attitude is exactly why so many are suffering. Have faith it will all work out. Let him know you know he's more than capable of turning it around, it just takes time.
I am very sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult for both of you.

I know he's vulnerable to self harm, that's why he l's coming home - I eventually made contact with him through the university welfare team and that's when he's finally admitted how badly it's going.

He hasn't finished the year and he won't pass. It's possible he could defer to repeat.

I'm not especially worried about him dropping out, that happens. I'm more concerned about what happens next - getting him well more than what his prosepcts are for now.

I absolutely intend to be supportive, but when I'm working FT and trying to run the house single handedly (which is too big but is the family home) seeing him doing nothing all day is going to challenge my good nature!

I'm struck by how no one has asked OP how she's doing, having been widowed at quite a young age

Possibly because she referred to her DS's dad rather than her DH/DP. We don't know if they were still together. If she was widowed then all the more reason for her son to step up and provide mutual support.

Sounds bit like me.
Lost a parent at 18
A year later start a career I'd been working towards
Dropped out of that career a year
Later and (by my choice) left a 3 year relationship
It was the absolute right decision
I hadn't grieved properly (thinking only of others above myself)
It took a few years before I let myself grieve properly and then the flood gates opened
Maybe grief counselling would be the way forward

Have a chat in the car ( easier as there is no face to face) Tell him you are sorry Uni wasn't for him and that you understand that he couldn't continue. Explain that he needs a couple of weeks to get used to being back at home and to think what his next steps are. Make sure he understands that you expect him to be up and moving by a certain time and taking part in the household. Help him by looking up college courses, volunteering opportunities etc.

I think it’s good that you are being realistic that it will be a challenge but you have the right approach to put the horse (MH recovery) before the cart (career).

You need support for yourself to keep going - do you have anyone or anything to turn to bring you respite?

Also maybe reframe the ‘doing nothing all day’ - as rehabilitation, at this time, of his MH for the rest of his life. This is an important time to recover and get back on track in a sustainable way to avoid chronic long term MH issues. Similar to if he had a heart attack or broken limb - restoration has to be done carefully to avoid risk of relapse / injury / permanent issues.

There are important behavioural steps to be taken at the right pace around balancing and building up self care, help around the house, getting outdoors, social life, job etc which will perk his self efficacy and self esteem. But more importantly he also needs compassion, emotional and relational empathy and support.

I suspect he is not lazy or indolent - he’s unwell and in emotional pain.

does he have friends at home
any family near by?
can you take time off?

Also want to mention that I work in student welfare and MH is in crisis for many as they are the COVID generation who missed out on years of crucial emotional and social development in their critical teenage years - many are not coping away from home.

Your DS has had the compounding trauma of the terminal illness and death of his father on top. His emotional state right now is ‘normal’ for those experiences.

This was my cousin a few years ago - he tried to commit suicide.

My aunt bought him home and he had time to grieve - but there were rules.

He had to leave his room for 4 hours a day and 1 hour had to be out of the house and a form of exercise.

He had to arrange 1 social outing with friends or family each week.

He originally declined therapy, but was asked to try it. He was reluctant to start, but it did help and towards the end, he embraced it. I believe he still sees someone now.

The internet was off between midnight and 7am - no arguments.

She contacted the university (as an advocate, rather than a parent) to arrange to rusticate for a year, as his MH problems meant he needed the time as sick leave.

The rules provided structure and stopped him sliding into an upside down night life which hinders rather than helps MH.

He was at year 3 of a med school path and took 2 years to go back. Last year, he qualified as a psychiatrist - at 30. It’s taken a few more years and wasn’t his original plan, but he will be a brilliant one - he has an insight many don’t.

you (and he) will get through it. It won’t be easy and there will be goals that are missed. What is very important is that you look after you as well - prioritise yourself for a good portion of the time. Your son needs you, so you need to make sure you are OK first. Think of it as an airline safety talk, where you have to put your life jacket on first, in order to help your child.

NB I struggle to express things in writing sometimes and they come out as orders and a bit stilted - I just wanted you to know that this can be “got through” and give some examples of what worked in one instance. I reiterate- look after yourself too!

Excellent post @Justaboutalive emphasising the real risks and the realistic extended time to recover - through incremental structure and routine, professional counselling support and prioritising support and respite for the carer.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I've had similar with my DD. She was so depressed a couple of years ago all she did was lie in bed or on the sofa, hardly changing her clothes, not washing, eating rubbish, doing nothing.
There is no point making them get a job, or being tough with them. Depression is horrible and there is no will to do anything but setting up tasks to achieve each day does add some structure. For my DD her tasks were
Get up
Make bed (reduced the temptation to get back in and it was an achievement- there's a TED talk somewhere about doing this )
Have breakfast lunch and dinner
Go outside for some exercise
Do something creative (she was knitting at the time)
Phone/talk to someone
And specifically for her at the time there was do duolingo, do some physics.
It was all printed out on the fridge and she literally ticked them off as she did them. No thinking about what to do. Sometimes the exercise was at night but she did it.
Encouragement, love, acceptance and I have to say medication did help.
MIND website has lots of really useful information

You’ll get a 50/50 reply with tough love.

I don’t agree. Validate his feelings and just be there for him. Make sure he has his basic needs met but don’t push him.

Have a think about getting a dog if you haven’t got one already. Not a puppy to add stress, but maybe an older/rescue dog. Maybe he could help choose the dog and then be responsible for walking - would get him out of the house.

Good luck, I wish you both well.

Been there too and I agree 100% with this fabulous response.

Do you know if he's had all the conversations at uni, ie has he "officially left"? If he still hasn't sorted that out, maybe he can suspend his studies rather than leave fully. If he takes a year out on a suspension he can then decide if he wants to resume or indeed leave fully. I advise all students thinking of leaving to suspend and have time to get well and have a think before they end their studies. This might not be right for everyone but it does keep his options open.

@chocolatenutcase
What a good mother you are to your DD.
may I ask how she is now?

I'd second getting an animal. We couldn't get a dog but my DD adopted a rescue cat. She asked for a cat with a good nature who was happy to be stroked. Said cat is now living its best life in the student house supporting all of them and getting lots of attention. Specifically though my DD says because she has to think about feeding the cat she remembers to eat herself and has to get up each morning to put food out.

I really hope your DDs depression has resolved. V helpful post to show where you need to start and how achieving this list and sustaining it will take time - but can be built on.

You’ll get a 50/50 reply with tough love.

You might from MN posters - but you won’t find any MH professional advocating this approach.

Can you imagine any other medical situation advocating such an approach?

”Come on Mr H - I know you had a hip replacement yesterday but off you pop - 10 laps around the playing field…..”

Maybe explain to him that he needs to have a couple of weeks just to relax and settle back in to being home, then you will help him find a part time job. I don't think it really matters what kind of job at this point, just something to get him in a routine and meeting some new people. If it's just part time he can spend some time sorting out his mental health. Maybe bereavement counselling and going for walks, or to the gym.