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Original poster

I'm going to collect DS from Uni today

128 replies

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 07:46

He's dropping out. It was always going to be a big ask for him, he went just after his father died, but at the time a change of scenery was what he felt he needed.

He went late because of his dad's illness, so he's now 20, with no qualifications and no experience, poor MH and no social life.

He's refusing to take medication or to have counselling and spending all day on his computer. I "know" what he needs to do, I'd like to put him on a programme of personal care, fresh air and exercise alongside getting involved in the community , reconnecting with friends, finding work and accepting some medical help, but as an adult, how do I make it happen? He will find all of that way outside his comfort zone and whilst I can encourage, I can't make him, especially when I'll be out at work. I know he has to do it when he's ready, but what happens meantime?

It really is very distressing to see the state he's in, the shadow of himself he's become.

OP posts:
gogogoji · 13/05/2023 22:15

I really wish we would as a society move past this obsession with university. Very few job require a degree in reality. Many of our young people would be better off starting at the bottom and working their way up if only the ladder was available to them

Original poster
Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 23:08

Justaboutalive · 13/05/2023 22:05

How will turning off the Internet help?

Hi, For my aunt and cousin, turning off the internet was for 2 things

1- making sure he doesn’t go down any internet chat room rabbit holes. Think of many of them as using Dr Google to diagnose an illness, enough truth to seem correct, but in reality, it’s unlikely to be that bad. Not what is needed at 2am when you’re feeling vulnerable, or even if you’re not.

2- to promote a healthy sleep pattern, by discouraging all nighters, or procrastination in sleeping while he doesn’t have anything he has to get up for.

I think the key is to agree the rules together, not to impose them. To accept that temptation is likely to be worse late at night. After all if you were on a diet, you wouldn’t have a bar of chocolate sitting on every side table - it doesn’t stop you going to the all night shop to buy chocolate, but you’re more likely to keep to the diet if there’s none in the house.

MH problems are known to be very much helped by a good sleep pattern, exercise and a good diet. You sound like a bloody brilliant Mum, so your DS stands every chance of getting through this and I’m sure you will decide what is right for you. I was just sharing some things that were successful in my family

it is definitely NOT a tough love approach, but one of working together. Like a diet, there will be slip ups - there’s bound to be. It doesn’t mean it won’t work.

I agree him using the Internet less would be good, I don't think turning off the Internet will achieve that in a world where 8yos borrow their parent's phone "to play candy crush" but instead enable their hot spot. Training on Internet safety for young children will tell you turning it off doesn't work and can in fact be dangerous because you're less likely to know what DC are looking at.

For a 20yo tech expert, there's nothing I can do that he wouldn't be able to find a way round.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 23:28

My clever son decided he wanted to drop out of 6th form , he simply didn't want the homework/study - so I told him that I would support him and to have a month to chill and get himself together and after that we would work together to find him a good apprenticeship in something that interested him but that there would be competition so he needed to take care of himself . We found a great paid apprenticeship in Tech (4 days work, 1 day college) and ever since then he's worked in IT and networks- he's now 25- he too wasn't the easiest of teens- undiagnosed ADHD which was diagnosed at 19 and then medicated- he was a different lad once in work and something he enjoyed . He has a lovely flat share with one other in London - It doesn't matter a jot he hasn't got a degree because he know has 8 years work under his belt and a vast array of skills. I did I'm afraid do a bit of tough love, but I also personally helped him to move on from the fact that he simply wasn't cut out for high level study that wasn't 'on the job' - give him space and some personal care but with a view to helping himself move towards something he would be capable of and enjoy

Lucinda7 · 13/05/2023 23:44

You can get a degree with the Open University. My DC2 did that due to being ill. You can study at your own pace but you do need to have the motivation to work on your own. If your illness qualifies you can even take exams at home. They send an invigilator. I hope your son feels better OP. The fact he is being chatty sounds encouraging.

LackedPunch · 14/05/2023 00:15

If he's in a distressed state and a shadow of his former self 'tough love' is the last thing he needs. How is that at all appropriate for a young lad who's just lost his dad? He's young, vulnerable and traumatised. Give him love and time to heal. Sending you both strength. I'm so sorry.

CorneliaStreetAgain · 14/05/2023 02:58

Don't think some of you quite understand the concept of tough love. It doesn't mean battering them round the head whilst yelling "pull yourself together you snivelling little shit."

It's about setting boundaries on behaviour and some achievable goals which will encourage them to take control of their lives and rebuild self esteem.

LackedPunch · 14/05/2023 07:40

Well I've just looked it up. The definition at the top of the page defines it as 'promotion of a persons welfare, especially that of an addict, child or criminal.' He is none of those. He is a young man who has suffered the devastating loss of a parent at a time when he should be having the time of his life at university. He needs love, care and time.

Dustyourselfoff · 14/05/2023 07:42

@LackedPunch out of interest, do you have children?

Original poster
Bluemuf · 14/05/2023 07:44

LackedPunch · 14/05/2023 07:40

Well I've just looked it up. The definition at the top of the page defines it as 'promotion of a persons welfare, especially that of an addict, child or criminal.' He is none of those. He is a young man who has suffered the devastating loss of a parent at a time when he should be having the time of his life at university. He needs love, care and time.

Fwiw, I think it's possible to give him love, time and care at the same time as setting a few (small to begin with) expectations.

This morning he us up and ready to join me at a charity thing I'm helping to organise. I'm amazed!

OP posts:
LackedPunch · 14/05/2023 08:12

@Dustyourselfoff yes

LackedPunch · 14/05/2023 08:16

@Bluemuf I completely agree with you. I was going to comment regarding someone's suggestion that he goes outside for at least 10 mins a day or does some gardening. I'm not saying leave him to his own devices. It sounds like you're doing great together and I'm so glad he's home with you in a safe and familiar setting. Sending love and light to you both.

Anewuser · 14/05/2023 08:37

@Bluemuf, a new day and a new beginning.

I’m so pleased he’s up already. Enjoy your charity event together.

everythingisfigureoutabble · 14/05/2023 08:59

Perhaps for him he just needed to be back home and with you xx grief makes you feel all different sorts of ways and probably what he though he wanted at the start ( to escape and run from it) he's realised hasn't been helpful. It sounds like your a lovely caring mum and like you'll be on the right track with him in no time x

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 12:50

@Bluemuf if you read my post that's exactly how I was - gave time to chill and clear his head, kept him well fed including his favourites and we (and his dad) did some lovely things together, had some really good deep chats and gradually (after 6 weeks) started talking about apprenticeships and 4 weeks later he started a great one in Tech. Was the making of him.

ssd · 14/05/2023 12:56

Dustyourselfoff · 14/05/2023 07:42

@LackedPunch out of interest, do you have children?

I hope they have, they sound great

MadridMadridMadrid · 14/05/2023 13:49

OP, I am so pleased to read that your son is up for going to the charity event with you. Re getting out of the house for exercise, my suggestion is that you might have success if you phrase requests as helping you out, eg "Please would you come out for a walk with me? I feel in need of a walk and would really like it if you come with me." That way, even if your DS is feeling down and not in the mood for doing anything, he may come for a walk because he sees it as doing you a favour. And once he gets out for some exercise, he'll probably feel better for it.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 14/05/2023 13:58

He came, didn't really mix, but was put to good use, did everything asked of him and spent c. 2 hours directing traffic.

OP posts:
DemelzaandRoss · 14/05/2023 13:59

A big hand hold for you all. Thank goodness he’s coming home to you.
Hopefully you have extended family support & have access to good GP & Community help.

Muppetshair · 14/05/2023 14:13

Bluemuf · 14/05/2023 13:58

He came, didn't really mix, but was put to good use, did everything asked of him and spent c. 2 hours directing traffic.

That’s more than enough for today in the circumstances. You are doing great.

LackedPunch · 14/05/2023 14:39

Bless his heart. Good weather for it too Flowers

WeaselKingHenry · 14/05/2023 14:55

He sounds like a good lad - being willing to do that on his first day home is an amazing step.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/05/2023 15:24

Oh that's such a good start!

TammyJones · 14/05/2023 16:35

Good update.

Original poster
Bluemuf · 14/05/2023 16:55

Thanks for all the suggestions and support. He's also cut the grass for me this afternoon and agreed to eat dinner with us when DS2 gets home from work.

Other than that I'm leaving him be today. He's on the computer but he's being quite lively with other people (who I don't think he knows irl) in a game.

While he was in the garden I've set him 5 more tasks, one for each day this week. Nothing too difficult or time consuming but enough to get him out of the chair and in some fresh air every day. It will also make a huge difference to me if those jobs get done. He seems amenable to that currently.

His next challenge is to organise driving lessons, he started then had to stop with Covid lockdowns, but not today!

OP posts:
Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 14/05/2023 18:38

I think you and he are doing brilliantly! I think I’d be slightly wary of pushing him too far too fast if anything, if he can simply maintain this sort of level of getting out of the house, being social and doing some straightforward tasks like mowing the lawn for the next few weeks I’d definitely say it’s ok to leave him to his own devices the rest of the time, especially if he appears to be engaged and enjoying games and it’s a way of socialising from afar. He might slide back a bit once the novelty of being home is off so I’d focus on trying to maintain things at this level for now. And look at more complex things like driving lessons and coming up with a new plan for his future a few weeks down the line if he’s managing to maintain this.