How sorted is your life if you are mid forties?

[jhgh]

Feel like I am suddenly at that stage where I've realised that I'm more than half way through my life and need to take stock and make the best of the rest of it!

Summary:-
Very lucky to have a lovely husband, a lovely tween ds ( would have liked more kids but started late and didn't happen) feel sad about that but it is what it is
Decent career but stayed too long and overlooked at current company so need to make a move soon to reach the top if indeed I want it!
Some nice friends and acquaintances but no real best friends as have moved around and lost touch
Very close to elderly dps who I am eternally thankful are blessed with decent health
Small house in expensive area .. would ideally like something a bit bigger and closer to ds school but can't justify mortgage increase
Can afford holidays and eating out but not too often

When I look at all this on paper I realise I am so lucky but I feel like I need to aim for something for the next stage in my life

Anyone else feel the same?

Your comment is very wise. It only takes a moment for life to change out of recognition.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Hmmm good question! I am 46, 2 fab teenagers 19 & 18, DD just finishing her first year at Uni and DS just doing A-levels and taking a year out. Work wise thats good NHS nurse for 25 years and work in a lovely team. Remarried a few years ago and relationship very up and down. Relocated 2 years ago to a market town that I adore and will in until I die. Large mortgage but manageable. Sadly just lost my Dad who was 69 and it has thrown a grenade into my life, Mum still alive and working FT. Health mostly ok low Vit D levels and peri but not on hRT yet as trying to sort Vit D levels first.

On paper in a good position. 45, married to a decent DH who is a good father and contributes well. DS8 and DD6. All in good health. Nice house in a nice suburban area which could be our forever home. Both high earners. Currently doing some financial planning for private school so that will mean we're working longer and putting ourselves under more stress but it feels worth it.
I work for a big company and although my current role isn't right for me I'm paid well and know I can easily move.
But I'm peri-menopausal, losing my looks (I was very slim and attractive in a previous life!) and struggling with motivation to get fitter and practice any sort of 'self care' so I'm worried that I'm on a slow decline to old age. Need to get my shit together really.

Just entered the decade.
Happy marriage with two lovely young DD - I always remind myself that this is the most important thing as some of my friends in their 40s didn't meet the right person and haven't had children which is a source of sadness for them.
Career was doing well until 5 years ago - motherhood penalty, pushed out, now self employed which is ok (not amazing) financially but can't see the next step/rung.
Can also really see huge earnings gap between me and those who chose other careers/sector now, which I'm working out how I feel about.
Correct size house but needs work, but mortgage manageable.
Pension is a disaster - concerned I will never be able to retire or not have that choice if ill health hits. DH older but also poorly prepared (years of renting/poor income/no savings). But now huge cost of nursery, then in another decade or so there will be helping DDs through uni.
Parents still alive and well and see them regularly.
Lot of lovely friends who I don't see as often as I'd like due to v young children but they are a huge source of joy and support. I consider solid and long term friendships a success in my life.
Health is ok - need to do more exercise and lost 5lb to be perfect weight for height. Wish I had more time for exercise.
Always tired due to the juggle and looking forward to the days when DDs have a bit more independence

I think the commenter who pointed out that life can change in an instant is very wise.

My life isn’t what I thought it would be. At times I have worried a lot about older family members thinking I was a failure. But at the same time I have achieved most of what I wanted to as a kid, I like my work, I still have my health, I like my hair (I worry about it falling out) and there are still challenges ahead. My family relationships are better than they have ever been. I know myself better. I have hobbies.

It would be nice to have a partner but then when I imagine myself with a partner I don’t feel very happy about it.

Perimenopause sucks.

Such an interesting thread

You are not the only one. Makes me feel bad too.

Happy as a pig in shit now I have HRT.

45, been with dh 17 years. Dd away at uni, ds is primary age, dh is S/E and a consequence of brexit means he has never been busier so no real money worries, love where we live, and I'm just finishing year 2 of a degree in subjects I love.

We have horses and I am busy constantly, but enjoy every minute, HRT made a massive difference to energy levels and brain fog, I ride 5 times a week and know how lucky I am to be able to do that and never take it for granted. And have a plan for the next couple of years wrt to uni, will hopefully stay on and do a masters in the area I absolutely love and equally hopefully forge some kind of career. If that doesn't work out am not sure what to do career wise but something will seem good.

I'm so glad you posted. I feel so similar and it confuses and frightens me (but I feel some comfort that maybe some of my feelings are not unusual). I am glad my children are getting older and more independent but feel so sad when I see kids around reception age and don't even know why. Terrified of old age and ill health. I don't like my 40s.

Pretty good on paper, in reality struggling with money day to day.

Happily married although we are quite fiery and it is hard work to keep us level sometimes, it’s not a fairytale. Amazing DD (almost 4) in nursery. Elderly horse causing much heartache and financial stress.

-beautiful 3 bed cottage that needs renovating in our dream village. It’s small because it’s expensive here. Mortgage is 50% LTV so plenty of equity
-BTL house that just about pays for itself with about £100k equity. Hanging on to it to use it to help pay off our mortgage in a few more years.
-Public sector defined benefits pension
-work 4 days in senior role that I like but am a bit stuck in a career rut
Ageing parents, FIL is fading from
a heart condition and my DDad just had a stroke although has got away with it. I’m very close to mine but they aren’t local
-unfit and need to lose some weight. It has piled on. Feel grotty about myself as just never on top of things.
-we have zero help with DD which is generally ok but sometimes overwhelming (eg we haven’t ever had a babysitter or been out in the evening/away for a night). We don’t particularly want to do that but when you know you can’t it makes you very aware.
-finding it impossible to keep up with friends. I moved away and I just have no time to see anyone which is sad. I have made some nice mum friends but they aren’t close and they are far better off financially than me which is intimidating (I know that sounds ridiculous, but eg our house cost £500k, theirs was £1.5m).

Our outgoings are too high at the moment so we live payday to payday and can’t afford to do up the house yet. The future is taken care of financially but the present is hard. It will get better when horse is gone (but I will be devastated) and DD at school. For now we are limping on.

I have a lot to be thankful for but it’s not perfect.

I had a very tumultuous time in my twenties and thirties.

Met DH at the end of my thirties. Pregnant at 39, baby at 40, married at 41, second baby due soon at 42.

Life is good. But it is exhausting in a way I wouldn’t have understood before I had my children. I really am so very lucky though.

I love the tone of your post. "I'm interested in my life". What a great view point, I'm going to give this some thought! I want to be interested in my life.

So very sorry for your loss.

Yep, loads of money does help cushion the shit

Really interesting thread 💐

Happy marriage here, lovely husband and DC. Happy, healthy kids. Still have a good few years on mortgage but no major money worries. House just about big enough in nice area, convenient for work.

Early fifties and seem to have health anxiety/fear of death anxiety related to aging.

I have put on some weight and was trying to tackle that when I injured myself exercising!

Career path stymied by small city location so I have a 'somewhat related to my qualification' career but I haven't fulfilled my potential. I live in a lovely place - it's not my home country but I feel relatively at home. I would like more friends locally, in addition to friends abroad.

Live outside UK and therefore many, many miles from abusive family of origin - I'm not in contact with them any more. It's sad to know they are descending into alcoholism - really wish that was different and that they would be happy for their final years. I think a lot of my anxiety is related to how I was treated as a child.

Had a birthday this week and three friends made an effort to get in contact and send cards/flowers. I was so, so touched, given the difficulties and radio silence from my parents and sibling.

I feel like I've floated along for far too long and would like to be more focussed and mindful about what I'd like to do with the rest of my life.

💐 To you all, especially those finding things tough.

Such an interesting read - thanks for starting this.

I'm 46, been with DH since university and that's all good - he's my favourite person. Three mid-teenage kids and a dog. (Two of the teens currently thriving; one is having a harder time and consequently, so am I.) We live in a lovely house in a really nice seaside town. No money worries - on course to pay off mortgage before the kids start university (though all three likely to be there at the same time for a couple of years, which is going to cost quite a bit more than the mortgage does!). All four parents still here and in reasonable health (mid/late 70s) - mine retired overseas so we won't be involved in any day-to-day stuff as they age (I don't know if that will make it easier or harder). Close to siblings and have some good friendships. Feel pretty healthy in myself - bit of middle-aged thickening, but I do strength training and I love that so keeping any major decline at bay for now.

So the big stuff is all fine for now. But I'm definitely feeling a little bit 'what next'. A couple of things have happened - we went on a brilliant holiday at Easter and it's really given me itchy feet. Eldest child is starting to think about universities - we were in London recently and looking around the UCL area and there's a little bit of me that feels envious of getting to choose a new start. I'm a bit bored with work (part-time self-employed copy-editor), but I can't really think what else I'd do (and we have a great set-up at the moment where my work is totally flexible and DH works four days so we have quite a lot of free time together). I feel like I'm drifting a bit - we're coming to the end of a stage in life and I don't know what's next.

You have summed up how I feel perfectly

44
-2 happy, healthy teenagers, who bring me huge joy.

-a very good ex husband who is a great dad and a kind person.

• healthy siblings, 1 deceased parent and 1 aging parent with health concerns. Siblings are very much focused on their own lives, we don't hang out much.

• happy enough with my looks, could lose a stone for health, could not care less if men find me attractive now, I ve very limited patience for them and limited interest.

• friendship group threw me very dramatically under the bus and expect me to accept flimsy excuses for their horrendous behaviour being a joke /or a result of poor mental health. I was horribly bullied and ganged up on by "friends", so I ve had to start making new friends whilst also being the target of small minded and defensive and vindictive gossip (trying to whitewash their bullying). It's been horrible, I ve had to change job due to it, but current job is much, much better. So the trashy friends revealed themselves and I m now in a better position financially and better work /life balance, but it's been a nasty journey to get here.

• lots of acquaintances /friends are very disgruntled with life and the cost of living crisis, housing crisis, some people engage in lots of unnecessary comparisons and passive aggressive banter which can be exhausting and unattractive. I m a little wary of people now, know there are many reasons for mental health blips, but I cannot be the punchbag for other people's anger.

• when I meet new people that are just normal, nice, level headed, it's like a breath of fresh air.

• financially stable

Good job - very convenient for my life and decent salary, however company could change dramatically in next few years, so who knows what will happen. I wouldn't mind retiring at 50, we ll see.

• house needs DIY, upgrading and I find that hard, as a single woman. Living location is convenient, neighbours bored and nosey 😅.

Overall, all is well. I am grateful.

I'm 48, happily married with two great teens who are doing well. Own our own house (mortgage large but manageable) with amazing neighbours and run my own business which is going well. DH has ups and down in his career but is ok.
On the other side of (early) menopause and planning well for retirement.

But:

Lost a close family member two years ago which was the catalyst to make changes and improve my life. Now at the early stages, with therapy, of reducing contact with my toxic parent. Often filled with anxiety and it feels like one of the hardest things I've done but looking forward to a happier future.

Fairly sorted in a mundane way. 45 later this month, mortgage due to be paid off in September, long term partner, decent well paid job, making sensible pension contributions. No kids because I don't want them. Fit and healthy.

The main thing missing is that sense of excitement and adventure. But paying off the mortgage means extra cash in the budget, and we're starting to book things - I'm going to my first festival this summer for example. I'm also trying to rekindle my curiosity for learning and trying new things.

And I'm coming up with a bit of a 5 year plan to make sure I go into my 50s in good shape physically, financially and emotionally.

I think the “sorted” thing is a bit of a mirage, anyone who feels sorted right now, please enjoy every moment of it

at 45 my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour, out of the blue. She was given 3-5 years in best case scenario

it sent us all reeling

the same year my sister died, my mum died of a heart attack, my youngest son got a mental breakdown, my husband quit his job and is still home with burnout

but these are all things out of my control. I still feel happy and strong. Not sure how, but after my sister’s diagnosis I had a massive insight about what matters in life, and which areas to focus on: health (getting fit, ditching alcohol, getting very active) and relationships with people that matter

sport and friendships help me through the dark moments that happen in everyone’s life

counting blessings, counting positives as a mindset

the rest is detail. Size of your house? A new kitchen? A fancy trip? A new car? A career move? Could not give a toss.

one thing I feel grateful for is that at 50 I think I have a very clear idea of what makes me happy, and things I can control (very little, health is a lottery, but fitness you can work on) and things I can’t

Multipleveganpies so sorry to read of the loss of your sister and Mum. You are right about things being 'details' in the great scheme of things and about what you can control.

Yep
As someone who lost her health, never ever take that fir granted.
Cherish your health, protect it. It’s worth it!

Very interesting thread.
My life is not at all how I expected or thought it would be when I turned 40, I am 48.
At 41 my OH was diagnosed with Cancer & he died when I was 42. (We met when I was 19)
I became a landlord as I needed monthly income to support my children.
Small mortgage left on own home (which I will pay off this year) & circa £100k on rental.
Eldest now at Uni, generally very happy but has PTSD about experiences went through when Dad was ill.
Younger neurodiverse just been declared NEET (crappy anacronym for something so negative). They can't leave house, food issues & really struggling with MH.
Work full time to support family (but no financial issues), feel crappy as feel not meeting needs of younger child, struggling with all decisions down to me.
Want to finish work to support them but can't.
Peri-menopause can sod off.
Have a new BF who is great

Completely agree, @MultipleVeganPies . My Mum developed a brain tumor at 41 and although she survived the operation ( it was benign), her health collapsed overnight. Chronic conditions and she passed away afar too early. Life can change in an instant so we should be grateful for every minute really.