How sorted is your life if you are mid forties?

[jhgh]

Feel like I am suddenly at that stage where I've realised that I'm more than half way through my life and need to take stock and make the best of the rest of it!

Summary:-
Very lucky to have a lovely husband, a lovely tween ds ( would have liked more kids but started late and didn't happen) feel sad about that but it is what it is
Decent career but stayed too long and overlooked at current company so need to make a move soon to reach the top if indeed I want it!
Some nice friends and acquaintances but no real best friends as have moved around and lost touch
Very close to elderly dps who I am eternally thankful are blessed with decent health
Small house in expensive area .. would ideally like something a bit bigger and closer to ds school but can't justify mortgage increase
Can afford holidays and eating out but not too often

When I look at all this on paper I realise I am so lucky but I feel like I need to aim for something for the next stage in my life

Anyone else feel the same?

Lots of positive. I have a lovely wife albeit more like friends really now but we rub along pretty well. 2 school age children. I have a decent career and we are lucky own as I got onto the property ladder 25 years ago. we have a reasonable quality of life but no holidays etc now with COL rises and static public sector salary.

However, lots of friendships have gone South. Both children have additional needs - one is ND and currently home edded and the other has a lifelong medical condition. DW and I both have significant childhood trauma so toxic family on my side and NC with her family. I am well now but have a history of MH issues, my physical health is excellent. Conversely, DW has good MH but poor physical health.

So a mishmash. Much luckier than most and I try to count my blessings.

I am 40.

I had a very bad childhood and it has given me very bad self esteem , so I never think I'm worth anything.
At 40:
I have no relationship.
No job.
Very low money.
No friends really.
No family

So pretty bad really at 40

This is also my experience — lots of career changes, affairs, divorces, experiments, moving countries or continents, starting businesses, taking up ultramarathons or Buddhism or walking the Camino or kayaking the Shannon or learning to surf or capoeira or stuff.

My life isn’t remotely in order — I’m about to quit a job in a field where very few come up, we moved countries recently, I live on a building site, my marriage is wobbly, my 11 year old is being challenging, I’m secretly in love with someone I can’t have, my best friend is very ill, I’m dealing with lots of disappointments and setbacks. But actually, that’s all ok. I’m interested in my life. There are worse things than disorder.

Yes yes yes

Pros ; I’m happily single, have an amazing DD & dog that I just adore. I have a lovely small house on an estate of big houses (feel safe as they will get burgled & not me!) lovely community of great neighbours. Lovely friends that I’m grateful for. Mortgage free too. I have good self worth & don’t feel any insecurity about SM or what others are doing. I’m healthy.

Cons : my Dog is old & I think too much about life without him. I only earn £13000 so won’t ever be able to move/change my tiny house, I had quite a neglectful childhood with an alcoholic mother who I am now looking after and I miss my grandparents. I also don’t get anywhere near enough time to relax & watch tv! None infact. I’m peri menopausal🥲

But, I’m grateful for all the things I have & I don’t dream or think about what I haven’t got. I’m content with my lot.

OP listen to the recording in this article (the book and main series of podcasts are also fascinating). There's a part in there about 12 mins in about the 40s.

www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-happiness-study-relationships/672753/

I suggest travel OP. If you have the funds.

Finally after years of scrimping for our (admittingly) decent lifestyle, we now have money to travel.

And whilst I completely get wanting to stride out after looking after the family, carrying many of the loads, we want to show and experience the world with our kids.

So the aim is "one country from every continent" to start with. Together.

I’m 47 and have just finished my “something new” (a PhD in economics). Lovely teen DC, happy marriage, financially secure. I’m not as far along in my career as I’d have liked but that’s due to taking a longish career break when DC were small so can’t grumble, and I really enjoy my job. DH now aiming for retirement in maybe 8 years, I’m planning to work another 13.

Small fly in the ointment is that I’m 2 stone overweight and just cannot shift it despite diet and exercise, which I’m finding frustrating. Still, KBO.

OP, why not try for that next job if you’re frustrated where you are? That might give you the challenge you’re looking for, and it will be easier to do it still in your 40s than 50s.

Nope. Divorced, single parent, on night shift and no chance of getting out of that for at least 10 years, with a big mortgage on a crappy house, no savings, and one friend........but actually not that unhappy strangely enough

As a where we are summary. We have a fun and love filled home, it's not the biggest or best but that to us isn't important, a travel budget is, garden which needs work all year but getting there, and that's fun work on the whole nature's gym! At least the weights part. Planting for wildlife because the depletion of the natural world accelerates and the birds think our garden is badass. So here we are unable to prune back because the tweeties are nesting in varies trees and bushes. It can wait until winter now.

Been reading more, doom-scrolling less, can't begin to describe how positive this is.

Two teenagers who seem yeah doing quite decent.

Health dips a bit more than it used to. So trying to make those dips shallower and less frequent.

Definitely live more now thinking about "what if I only have 5 years left" it clears the clutter. It's a positive thing.

Now have more time am re-entering my education of art and embracing our local community artist groups and green space volunteering.

It's about thinking, aside from family, what do you really care about? Is it beauty, do you want to be an amazing role model to not accept frumpy clothes as we mid-life, so wear orange velvet to the cafe. Green spaces, less polluting transport, using social media for unity not envy, providing support to teens feeling the world is a ball of pressure.

Find your nuggets. Let them grow, take them further, it might just be a tiny step but all the tiny steps added together make a difference.

My life has been very strange I suppose. Extremely abusive childhood and I then lived alone from when I was 16. But very successful in academics and career. Not a super high earner but six figures.

The toll taken by providing for myself at such a young age and with severe trauma and no support is large though. My physical health is now very bad.

My main wish in life was for a "normal" family unit but it wasn't to be: my husband left when my children were babies. However, given what I now know, we were lucky that he did. He had been having affairs and being abusive to other women and was a gambling addict. I had no idea so feel very stupid. Now I've divorced him our finances and home are safe so that is good.

So positives:
Wonderful children
Beautiful home
Great friends
Decently paid job with good security (I think!)
Hoping if I can hold things together until they have both flown the nest then I can retire in late 50s
I have discovered gardening and it gives me so much mental peace

Negatives:
Terrible health.
Lone parenting is relentless and stressful because all decisions are all on you.
Despite decent job money is very tight with mortgage and extra childcare costs due to DCs' disabilities.
I feel extremely burned out, and frustrated with myself that if I wasn't so unwell I could take the risk to change jobs and earn much more. I feel a bit trapped and very unmotivated.
So much of DC's early childhood spent just trying to get things stable.
Bored by my work and would love to do something else but must provide for the children so cannot afford a decrease in pay even temporarily.
No rest ever - family do not help at all. So many things I want to do - reading, hobbies, and never any time.
I always wanted to move somewhere warm, and struggle a lot with the UK climate. It really affects my mental health, particularly now that I can't go on holiday regularly to compensate for it a little.

I also feel rather frustrated that having worked such ridiculous hours for all those years to support myself while doing qualifications etc and latterly in a very demanding career, that we still have no spare money to go on nice holidays etc while DCs are still young and sponges for everything. I feel a bit cheated!

In some ways I want to take a risk, quit everything and start my own business. In other ways I am so tired already and really would just rather retire now if I could afford it. I just want a very simple life now and to spend time with DCs but cannot get the balance right as there is so much to cram into each day. I also want to improve my physical health but with no respite that is hard.

It is difficult to "see the wood for the trees" and know what the way forward is. I really just want a very simple life now but it is also a long time to tread water until retirement.

My life was humming along, pretty good and sorted by most standards. Then my child got really sick and died very suddenly. It's been messy ever since. 'Sorted' lives are just a moment from the unexpected so just enjoy that things are okay. Mundane and boring looks pretty good to me.

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease that is horrific, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you survive mentally and emotionally after your child dies. Everything can be snatched away just like that. Life can be so very cruel.

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease I'm so sorry to hear about your DC. No one knows what's around the corner, and feeling 'sorted' could change in an instant 💐

Dh and I have spent many years living and travelling in different countries. Came home and feel way behind our friends (everyone has a McMansion, expensive new cars, some even pools) and great pensions.

But I'm happy with the path we went. We are just about to buy another house that is big enough to see us and DC through, but not too big I'm indebted and miserable for the next 20 years.

I changed direction in my career so starting off on the bottom rung, but very interested in what I'm doing.

I'm 43 and pretty content. Happily married, recently moved into a decent house which should cover our needs for 20+ years, comfortable financially, 2 young dcs, one at primary, one toddler, and secondary catchment sorted for future. Cool hobbies on hold while I focus on my dcs, lots of my energy is spent finding new and interesting activities for us to do as a family. Retirement savings and other investments ticking over nicely. P/t self employed which gives me enough career to make life interesting but doesn't suck up too much of my time. Passive income stream. Started OU course for fun to keep my brain working. Plans for house renovation and garden work. Slowly aiming to travel more, but keeping things simple with the dcs right now. Am slightly overweight which I'm fine with for now, I will have more time for exercise when toddler is at preschool. No other health issues.

I think you did things in the right order but I suppose we all want different things.

But yes, we're all one diagnosis, very close death or major life event away from being completely unsorted. Those things we think are unlikely or happen to 'other people'. I don't want to sound grim but I think it's important to keep in mind that life will never be perfectly sorted and to live in the present to the fullest.

So sorry @NeedCoffeeNowPlease. Agree that life can change so quickly. 30s to early 40s was fairly tough with DD getting ill and being left with a permanent disability and supporting DF and DM through serious illnesses and watching them slowly decline and die. My best friend also got very ill and passed away.

We are in a relatively good position now, DD is doing ok, DS seems happy and I am lucky to be in a happy and supportive marriage. Obviously miss DP and my best friend, but at least they are not struggling any more. Have a small number of friends who I see regularly. Financially we are ok, fairly stable and have enough for a reasonable quality of living. Need to lose weight and improve my own health, although struggling to focus on this.
All in all feel very grateful for what I have and hoping for this period of mundane and boring to continue.

Thank you for staring this thread, very interesting.
Like others, I feel like I have a mixed bag, but more to celebrate than worry about.
Lovely house, still lots owed on mortgage but stable well paid jobs mean we are prioritising fun, holidays and giving our kids experiences than paying it off. Might regret that one day but right now it feels right.
Good, challenging but not too time consuming job with lots of WFH helping to enable kids activities etc.
Good marriage, family close and lots of friends, great social life. Lots of holidays, nice lifestyle.
But, overweight, unhealthy and have paranoid thoughts about my health. Parents aging, worry about them. Job stale, and no enthusiasm to push my career, but no reason to leave. But so lucky overall and don’t feel I need to make major changes.

I was single in my mid-forties. Living alone in a mid-terrace and working full-time in a place I'd been for 28 years. Unable to drive.
I got made redundant at 47. Moved jobs, met my husband and paid off the mortgage with my redundancy money. I still have my first car.

I'm 42 and in a better position than thought I would be. I have a wonderful husband and two cute easy going kids. I started by dream job early last year that pays more than I ever expected to earn and I've finally gone NC with my toxic parent. I do miss my other parent who died 10 years ago though

45

two lovely sons

lovely dp, our relationship has some difficulties but I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He’s an excellent father.

We bought a biggish family house last year- very lucky but we do live up north

parents elderly but still here (I’m an only child and it plays on my mind a lot what will happen in the future)

husband is a high earner so very lucky to not have to worry too much financially. Especially and we don’t really do fancy cars/ holidays etc

im pretty fit which helps enormously with mental health

feel a bit meh about my career though. Had 4 years out and another 4ish years part time and only feel like I’m getting back into it now. I have a reasonable job which I don’t mind on a day to day basis and it gives me the flexibility that I need…. but I feel I’ve totally not achieved my potential compared with some friends my age who are in serious jobs earning serious money.

Great post!

three children

devoted husband (I think)

nice, spacious house - teenagers on the opposite side of the house so can cope with the loud music!

cycling and walking as hobbies but would like to be fitter

three jobs but none of them feel like work!

both parents deceased

would like a more “fun” existence sometimes: more meals out, dancing til dawn, more holidays but tend to be over-cautious about spending money 😌

I think I was more critical of my life status in my early 30s, when the vast majority of my friends were marrying, buying houses, having kids and enjoying proper careers. I felt like I was being left behind (renting, uncool job) and would never have anything in common with them again. Now mid-40s and I'm still in the uncool job, but paid off my mortgage. Happy with a bloke I met later in life. Have lots of interests and make the most of living in London. Know I'll have to deal with ailing parents at some point of course, but generally things are good.

Most importantly to me, I'm still good friends with a core group of women from university- some of whom I met in Halls on our very first day over 25 years ago. I feel lucky that the friendship has survived our lives having gone in different directions.

I also have a really nice new group of friends from volunteering (RDA)- mostly middle aged women, with varied backgrounds. I think at this age you really feel the value of female friendship.

Every day I count my lucky stars. Every single day, because life can turn on a sixpence.

When she was about 50, my dm went through a phase of complaining that there was nothing to look forward to, she was unhappy, unfulfilled, something was missing despite everything being great on the surface. Then, out of the blue, she was diagnosed with cancer, and after three years of hell she was dead.

She has missed SO much. Her children meeting their life partners, grandchildren arriving on the scene, the retirement of travelling and leisure time with my DDad that awaited her. She actually had SO much to look forward to, and so much happiness ahead, but it was taken away from her.

This was a life lesson to me and I will never forget to appreciate every moment of simple pleasures. I have my health, my family who I love, and I’m not worried about a roof over my head or putting food on the table. Especially today, so many people do not have these basic things, and so I will always be grateful and aware of how different life might be tomorrow.

I suppose just glad to be here LOL

Dad killed in cycling accident aged 43
Mum died at 69 with cancer

I’m grateful for every day 😃