Do you like your parents?

[MullerInk]

Inspired by a comment I read on a website over a decade ago. The website was like a teen gossipy American type thing so the comment "I don't like my mom, I just don't like her personality" really surprised me and I think about it a surprising amount.

Never really knew my dad, or umpteen step dads! Mum is an absolute PITA, been NC many, many years, that won’t ever change. Would have loved for things to have been different, but it is, what it is.

I'm so sorry that you lost your parents in such a short space of time. But yes, I was told when bereaved previously that grief is love, and also that tears honour the dead. Those sentiments certainly helped me, though I realise they might not be for everyone.

I absolutely loathed my dad. He really was a horrible person. He controlled my mum and was a narcissist.

I felt sorry for my mum but frustrated that she wouldn't do anything to get out of the marriage. I loved her but probably didn't like her personality much. It was just a family bond- we had nothing in common, she was qiote odd in many ways, all she talked about was how awful my dad was. It was a shit childhood really and as an adult I really had to pull away which made me feel very guilty.

I couldn't agree more, I have a wonderful relationship with DC. This matters to me more than anything else , now that he is grown up he's very proud of his mom. It did bring a tear to my eye when he said this recently. I also married a wonderful man and it so different for me now.

I like my mum, but her personality is completely opposite to mine so we're not super close. NC with my dad so you can probably deduce that I don't like him.

There's no way to say your kids won't dislike you surely.

I really think that unless you are an extremely selfish and unreasonable parent, it will be almost impossible for your child not to like you.

It's in our nature to love our parents and if you don't like them there's sadly usually a very obvious reason.

I adore my parents. They're good, solid down to earth people. I'm grateful that they're my parents and I cherish each day that they're still alive, more so that now they're in their nineties.

Yes I like my parents. My siblings don't seem to like them very much but I really do and have long forgiven some bits of crap parenting. Now that I'm a parent myself I can see that with the best will in the world I'm not going to get everything right.

I loved them immensely (they're now long dead) but I didn't always like them. It wasn't always easy, are families always easy? That undoubtedly went both ways.

No. My father was a violent alcoholic and nasty, verbally abusive and manipulative when he wasn’t drunk.

My Mum has BPD and is very unpleasant a lot of the time. She nearly drove me to suicide last year after a sustained period of attack. I am now 60. She is in her 80s and I hope she dies soon.

So no, I hate both my parents.

Love/loved them both.

Dad is dead, many years, due to recklessness regarding his health, ignorance too. He was flung out into the world without great guidance and was a successful party animal until about mid 40s when it started to catch up on him. He had fun, and was a living but immature parent with very poor self awareness. Loved him, but I was one of several props to support his ego.

Mum:a very complicated character. Lived alongside immense stress and I m just figuring out some of her family history, which moulded her as a person. Was super sucesful in her own right, but also extremely insecure and came from a history of extreme patriarchy and misogyny which impacts how she views the world and people within it. She uses people, and she loves clowns that make her laugh and make it all alright. She expects female offspring to understand we are the support people that secretly make it all happen and put the egos of men before our own. She keeps and creates a lot of secrets. She uses unhealthy techniques to distract herself and others from the tyranny and hardship that was her past/her normal. I love her too, but she has recycled some really toxic coping strategies and expects others to support those strategies.

Love them, but understand they were damaged, and didn't lead well by example. They didn't have that guidance themselves.

That's a really weird question!

I disliked my father very much (it was pretty mutual). My mother was difficult but I loved her.

When I had children, I raised them completely differently to how I was raised. I was a totally different kind of parent. There was no waste and my children do not dislike me, two are adults, two are not yet, and we are all very close and get on extremely well.

I don't even know what you were thinking with that question. What has you liking your parents got to do with your children liking you?

Dad, yes. He's a nice chap. We might not agree 100% (who does anyway), but he's very funny and is hard working, always put family first, was fun when we were children and is really supportive now. We argued a lot when I was teenager, but our relationship is good now and he really likes my husband too.

Mum, no. I wish I did. I really would want to have close bond with mum, kind of friendly one. Unfortunately my mum is bit toxic person, she always focuses on her own misery, never acknowledges her own mistakes or misbehaviour. Once she made me and my sister feel guilty when we had food poisoning (from food served at home). She cried, threw a tantrum etc. I was maybe 11, sister was 13. Who in their right mind does it. I only keep in touch with her, because I have to, not because I like being around her.

I agree. I find it extremely difficult to believe parents who claim their children dislike them for absolutely no reason. Children are initially hardwired to love/like their parents so there is almost always a valid reason if a child chooses no or low contact.

I do not visit my parents very often. They are considered pillars of their local community but behind closed doors our family life was pretty horrendous when I was growing up due to a violent, mentally disturbed dad and a mother who, by her own admission, should not have had children. My siblings MH continues to be massively impacted by our childhood experiences. I emerged relatively unscathed as I left home as soon as I could to go to University and never looked back.

Now I have DC of my own I cannot fathom why and how our parents treated us the way they did.

Posters who's parents were rubbish or even in some cases downright evil, how have you managed to overcome your childhood and become the person you are?

I know two people who had atrocious childhoods and are among the finest people I know, but it took an almost superhuman effort on their part to counter the awful upbringing they had.

No, not really, although I do love them. We have very different values and approaches to the world.

Depends how awful it was, and the kind of person you happen to be. Mine was pretty shitty, but I have a great life now and a wonderful family and am very happy.
Some luck, some hard work, some good choices.

My parents are both very difficult and selfish in different ways. I don't like either of them, but there are small flashes when I can see something normal/good in them, unfortunately not very often.

I like and love my mum and dad beyond measure.

I speak to them every day. I see them most days. I can see their house from mine.

The thought of being in the world without them is my biggest fear.

Im 53. And I consider myself so very privileged to have them.

Yes - I miss my funny father who died much too young. My mum is my friend as well as my mum. Looking forward to going away with her next month

Can’t say I agree with this. Like and love is different. Hard not to love your parents I suppose but like is sometimes harder. I have a complete personality clash with my parents (one in particular). If we met in any other circumstances we just wouldn’t have much to do with each other but I’m sure we could co-exist fine. I’m sure we’ve all met people that are on paper decent enough people who we just find rub us up the complete wrong way.

Living together was difficult and pro-longed time together still is. I believe they want the best for me and want to keep in touch and know I am happy and healthy but I am 100% sure they find conversations over dinner as hard as I do.

And absolutely it occurred to me that the same could happen to me with my children. I suppose it was a) a biological need as well as b) believing I could be a good person and a good parent… And if they grow up to be great people I’m proud of but who live a largely separate life to me, then it’s not ideal but there are worse things too.

@Wishawisha from your post I'm wondering if you're now actually mirroring your own parents' attitudes to rearing children.

Why? I’m very close to my children. I’ve not had more than about two or three solo nights in my own bed for over 7 years. I think I’m a very different parent to mine - mine were more routine based, stricter (80s style) etc and I’m not, but that might be more a sign of the times.

But yes, I am very painfully aware that it is not a given that sharing biology is enough to make you like someone. It would be the best thing in the world if my children love spending time with me and each other as adults, but it’s not a given is it? The best I can do is try to have no regrets about their childhood and have them grow up knowing they are loved, unconditionally. But they are people in their own right and they aren’t me and DH.

Many siblings don’t get on as adults. Mine play together all day now - which is fantastic - but I can’t guarantee they’ll be as close when they’ve got families of their own. Many siblings aren’t. I know quite a few families now who have two young children that are completely chalk and cheese - it’s like they have two distinct families under one roof as the two children barely interact. In all cases, both DC are nice children, they just rub each other up the complete wrong way. I suppose that’s how I see it with my parents - neither side is to blame.

Yes. I like, love and respect them both.

That is not to say they aren't without fault. Of course they made mistakes, but they are both decent humans who have tried their best and continue to do so.

I also get along well with my brother. We don't live in each others pockets, but message regularly.
We fought like cat and dog as children though!