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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 10/05/2023 06:15

She has really stepped over the line

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/05/2023 06:18

tara66 · 10/05/2023 06:13

This - or get another lock added to door.
NB Re. Selling - Decide ''how far'' you want to go though about doing more as you will have to live next door to this person and if you sell should declare information about incident with neighbour and buyer may change their mind!
I would!

Show quote history

I really do not think that escalation is the way to go. Scaring her a little about wondering whether there was a break-in, police etc?

Yes. (If OP can pull off the lying).

apart from that I'd simply change the locks. No need to inform the neighbours or provoke a confrontation.

If they do ask (see that somebody came in to change the locks) the OP can simply talk about the possible break-in. Safety will always be a good explanation.

Bathintheshed · 10/05/2023 06:31

I would call your neighbours and say you've had a break in. Tell them the police are coming to discuss it tommorow and ask if they have any information.

stupendous1 · 10/05/2023 06:33

I'd be absolutely fuming! I'd get demanding that key back asap

tenbob · 10/05/2023 06:37

Bathintheshed · 10/05/2023 06:31

I would call your neighbours and say you've had a break in. Tell them the police are coming to discuss it tommorow and ask if they have any information.

This!

Bournetilly · 10/05/2023 06:46

This is so rude of them. Confront them/ ask for the key back. But then change the locks aswell just incase theve had another key cut.

HarrietStyles · 10/05/2023 06:48

Next time they went out I would let myself in to their house, make myself a cuppa, put my feet up on their coffee table and wait for them to come home. Then calmly give them their key back and demand my own in return.

Mikimoto · 10/05/2023 06:49

Do a passive-aggressive "Be careful, Jane! Think there are some housebreakers operating in the area: we found footprints & the police are coming to review our footage".
Or wait till they're away & invite your pals (& their kids?!) to a Pimm's & pizza party...in Jane's living room!

WeAreTheHeroes · 10/05/2023 06:49

Notatallanamechange · 10/05/2023 05:37

Genuine question for those saying there’s been no crime committed: would the removal of the garage fob after going into their property without permission not be counted as theft of some sort?

No. The definition of theft is, "A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it."

What the neighbour has done doesn't add up to theft. They may have dishonestly appropriated property belong to another by taking the fob, but didn't intend to permanently deprive the OP of it.

The neighbour entered without permission and permission had been expressly denied so it's trespass.

YetiTeri · 10/05/2023 06:52

I'd be careful about escalation but this is absolutely unacceptable. No question.

I would message say that your security system alerted you to her entering your property without permission. You're incredibly disappointed in her/them as you'd been very clear about the reason why you'd turned down her request. Given the complete breakdown in trust ask for the keys back.

No need to over complicate.

wildfirewonder · 10/05/2023 06:54

Wowzer, she is completely out of order.

I would change the locks and give back her key, explaining why calmly and verbally.

I wouldn't escalate beyond that to save having to declare if selling.

ChaToilLeam · 10/05/2023 06:54

She has completely broken your trust. Change the locks, give them their old key back, tell them the arrangement is off as you said no and they snooped for the key and let builders in anyway.

It’s outrageous CF behaviour but I doubt the police would be terribly interested.

Efacsen · 10/05/2023 06:56

Piony · 10/05/2023 00:53

I think this is really good advice. It's easy to sit at a keyboard egging you on to have it out with them, but you actually have to live next to them for years to come.

Show quote history

Agree this is sensible advice

Puts you back 'in charge' and doesn't increase the drama

Lobelia123 · 10/05/2023 06:58

I usually very much on the side of dont have confrontations with neighbours, keep things civil, avoid awkwardness etc but this is so far over the line that yu cant actually allow it to slip past. How dare she go against your express wishes and abuse the privilege she has of having keys to your home, to snoop and over ride your clearly expressed directives?? I would go over there with her keys, tell her youve seen the footage, demand to exchange keys and tell her shes lucky youre not laying charges for trespass. No more watering of plants or pet care while away - that bridge is burnt.

saraclara · 10/05/2023 07:02

I'm confused about how they got hold of a fob.

SpringIntoChaos · 10/05/2023 07:04

saraclara · 10/05/2023 07:02

I'm confused about how they got hold of a fob.

RTFT 🤦‍♀️

Saracen · 10/05/2023 07:06

That is REALLY awful of the neighbours. It's true you need to put a stop to this.

However, you will still be living next door to them. If it were me, I would avoid a big scene over it. Just be matter of fact and tell them that as you said previously, you cannot have people going into your house and garage when you aren't at home, so you want your keys back now. (You might also change the locks if you think they may have copied them, but don't JUST change the locks without having any conversation - they need to know where they stand and that you're aware they went into your house.)

Ignore any attempts to apologise or justify, or promises not to do it again. Keep repeating, "I can't have people going into my house without permission. Just to be sure it won't happen again, I need my keys back." Hand theirs back at the same time.

You can stay civil. It's no fun to be at war with your neighbours. This person has behaved very badly but it doesn't have to escalate.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/05/2023 07:08

I'd be furious

I'd never speak to them again furious - get key back. I'd probably write a solicitors letter saying they are never to enter the house again and they have to go through solicitors using the party wall act if they ever require access again

Eqs · 10/05/2023 07:08

You now have two choices - send dp over to speak sternly with neighbour and her other half (he may not know you said no and should be made aware) and ask for your key back immediately. Or just change the lock(s) to which she has a key. Up to you which path you choose.

canyon2000 · 10/05/2023 07:11

I would go round to talk to them and just let myself into their house to do this! It would give them a bit of a shock but how could they get cross about it?!

Veryfishy · 10/05/2023 07:17

I’d get that front door lock changed !
outrageous behaviour from her , really unforgivable

N27 · 10/05/2023 07:18

Here for the updates when you confront the CF!!

I would be absolutely livid and I would definitely be straight round to get my key back.

I also think you should go rather than your partner as I’d be interested to see if she tried to claim DP said yes…

EV4ME · 10/05/2023 07:22

Ignore the egging on, OP. This isn't bloody eastenders, it's your life.

It's a serious issue, without a doubt, but that means it requires a thoughtful, measured response. Does your neighbour know about the door cam? Her awareness might change the way you'd want to address it.

It's a real shame this woman has thrown away years and years of neighbourly trust over a temporary inconvenience.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 10/05/2023 07:22

I'd just keep very calm and be straight with them. The trust has gone, take your key back and give them theirs. You're very disappointed etc. Change the locks just in case. Let them get angry etc if they're not happy, but don't be drawn into an argument. Calmly repeat, trust, disappointment. You have the moral high ground, so keep it. Cheeky sods

wildfirewonder · 10/05/2023 07:24

EV4ME · 10/05/2023 07:22

Ignore the egging on, OP. This isn't bloody eastenders, it's your life.

It's a serious issue, without a doubt, but that means it requires a thoughtful, measured response. Does your neighbour know about the door cam? Her awareness might change the way you'd want to address it.

It's a real shame this woman has thrown away years and years of neighbourly trust over a temporary inconvenience.

Agree with this - do not do anything you are not sure you want to do.

You can change locks before having conversations to prevent recurrence before deciding how to deal with them as people.

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