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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
Thinking2022 · 11/05/2023 18:57

That's really rude and completely unacceptable. I am so sorry that's happened to you. One point to be aware of is that sometimes as people
age their personality can change slightly due to brain changes - perhaps that's what's going on here. Best of luck resolving this. Point out your insurance would have been voided too. Also speak to builder directly and say no permission was granted and it mustn't happen again

ShinyCaptain · 11/05/2023 19:00

She definitely sounds like she's losing it. I'd go easy on her, tbh, but also I'd not be sharing keys anymore.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/05/2023 19:07

Mygosh · 11/05/2023 18:29

May I ask what sort of fence you have between your properties? It's just being in the building trade, I know a little trick...if the fence is the type that slots onto concrete posts, it can be removed for access. Is it possible that they gained access that way? Not that this is ok, they definitely need your permission to access your property for repairs. A decent tradesperson will not enter a property without permission, for fear of being accused of stealing or causing damage. I hope you get your key back!

RTFT... the OP has ring cam footage of them entering her home. (BTW, we all know that trick it's not exclusive to the building trade. :))

Noononoo · 11/05/2023 19:08

I think having neighbours like you have is fine. The benefits far outweigh having no neighbour support. To be honest the builder is not going to be available in the evenings when you are back home. A bit of give and take. You should have lent the fob. easy to immediately check all is locked up again. It's not going to be a regular occurrence is it. Don't let yourself be in a stew about it. Not worth it.

conxray · 11/05/2023 19:14

Noononoo · 11/05/2023 19:08

I think having neighbours like you have is fine. The benefits far outweigh having no neighbour support. To be honest the builder is not going to be available in the evenings when you are back home. A bit of give and take. You should have lent the fob. easy to immediately check all is locked up again. It's not going to be a regular occurrence is it. Don't let yourself be in a stew about it. Not worth it.

No, it's not fine.
The neighbour has broken their trust.
She went into their home, looked around for the garage fob and key, let builders access the garage to go into the back garden, then presumably returned fob and key, locked up house and went back next door.
It*s outrageous. Nobody should be doing that.
The OP had said it wasn't ok - that they weren't going to be in etc.
She just went ahead and did it anyway.

OP needs to get the key back ASAP:

Mygosh · 11/05/2023 19:14

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/05/2023 19:07

RTFT... the OP has ring cam footage of them entering her home. (BTW, we all know that trick it's not exclusive to the building trade. :))

Show quote history

Sorry, I missed that bit. I'd be calling the police with that evidence!

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/05/2023 19:15

As it isn't your dogs being sent bananas by strangers going back and forth through the garage @Noononoo , I don't think you get a say.

And would you be happy that someone had searched your home for a key you declined to lend them? I wouldn't.

Xenia · 11/05/2023 19:27

Obviously it is completely unacceptable for them to have engaged in civil trespass. However you may need to live next to each other for another 20 years so a massive row is pointless.

I would return their key and get yours back and ifnd someone else to look after things when you are away, but that doesn't haev to be done in a nasty way.,

Might be worth changing front door lock too in case she has made copies.

StaunchMomma · 11/05/2023 19:27

That's really bad, OP!

Get the key back off her. It's an enormous overstep and I don't think you should be trusting her after that.

What a CF!!

WickedSerious · 11/05/2023 19:33

Noononoo · 11/05/2023 19:08

I think having neighbours like you have is fine. The benefits far outweigh having no neighbour support. To be honest the builder is not going to be available in the evenings when you are back home. A bit of give and take. You should have lent the fob. easy to immediately check all is locked up again. It's not going to be a regular occurrence is it. Don't let yourself be in a stew about it. Not worth it.

It doesn't matter whether or not it's a regular occurrence,once is one time too many.

HappyHolidays22 · 11/05/2023 19:34

Goodness me. I would be fuming. But sounds like your DP has handled it really well - he’s been far nicer than I would be but I think he is doing it right to avoid making it awkward going forward.

BaconChops · 11/05/2023 19:35

Lochjeda · 09/05/2023 23:11

Get your key back off her. That's absolutely out of order.

This!

Niven · 11/05/2023 19:36

That’s what I thought. Getting argumentative may be an early sign.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/05/2023 19:38

Noononoo · 11/05/2023 19:08

I think having neighbours like you have is fine. The benefits far outweigh having no neighbour support. To be honest the builder is not going to be available in the evenings when you are back home. A bit of give and take. You should have lent the fob. easy to immediately check all is locked up again. It's not going to be a regular occurrence is it. Don't let yourself be in a stew about it. Not worth it.

Really, rummaging someones house for the keys when they've been told no is fine?

You do seem to have misunderstood the problem - the OP could not lock up immediately after, they wouldn't be there.

They were concerned that the neighbour/builder would leave the garage and workshop unlocked, doors open, whilst out of sight working round the back, leaving all their valuable equipment on show to passers by.

It would NOT be easy to immediately check all is locked up if someone needs to come through and back multiple times as the builder almost certainly would do, when they are not present.

Londisc · 11/05/2023 19:39

Well done your DH.

Sorry as I've not read all the replies so don't know if it's been mentioned but

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

Said something to me just because a personality/behaviour change over a few years at that age could be indicative of changes in the brain. Not that it excuses what happened or anything like that, nor that the matter needed to be addressed... just, it might might sense of why someone you used to get on brilliantly with is now, in their 70s, being "difficult" personality-wise. It can creep up and only make sense to friends and family in hindsight, once memory issues become more noticeable (which is what eventually leads people to the doctor).

Lindyloo23 · 11/05/2023 19:39

That’s outrageous when your DP has specifically stated when the builder can have access, ie when you’re there. Also, outrageous they went through your home for keys!!!
I wouldn’t speak until you are calmer though as neighbour battles are painful. I would however change my locks and not give them a key. Give it to someone else who you may need help from another day.

Tigertigertigertiger · 11/05/2023 19:54

Noononoo · 11/05/2023 19:08

I think having neighbours like you have is fine. The benefits far outweigh having no neighbour support. To be honest the builder is not going to be available in the evenings when you are back home. A bit of give and take. You should have lent the fob. easy to immediately check all is locked up again. It's not going to be a regular occurrence is it. Don't let yourself be in a stew about it. Not worth it.

100% this.

Missingpop · 11/05/2023 20:04

Sorry but I’d call the police; she came into your home without your permission went into your garage & workshop without your permission in my books that breaking & entering; regardless of her having a fucking key or not your Dp explained he did not want to give the rude cow entry to your home until someone was home; it’s dreadful behaviour.

swayingpalmtree · 11/05/2023 20:06

Missingpop · 11/05/2023 20:04

Sorry but I’d call the police; she came into your home without your permission went into your garage & workshop without your permission in my books that breaking & entering; regardless of her having a fucking key or not your Dp explained he did not want to give the rude cow entry to your home until someone was home; it’s dreadful behaviour.

Trespass is not a criminal offence. It’s a civil matter. Police won’t do anything- especially if OP had given her a key

AllyArty · 11/05/2023 20:28

How bloody dare she?! It’s wrong. Just because she is over 70 doesn’t mean she isn’t a bully who has suited herself and shown no regard for u or yr dp. I would ask her did she enter your home in your absence and see what she says. Then take it from there. You could ask for yr keys back or u could distance yourselves and let her stew. Would her hubby have been apart of this?

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 11/05/2023 20:34

So did she search your house for the garage key to let the builders through the garage? Or did she let the builders traipse through your house as well?

I’d be changing the lock so she can’t try it again at some point and quietly let the husband know you’ve done so whilst returning his key. Bloody rude woman.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 11/05/2023 21:05

I'd go apocalyptic on her! How dare she enter your home and do exactly what you've specifically told her not to

You don't have to have a war with them, but I'd be getting my keys back, changing the locks to be on the safe side and never EVER doing anything for them again. I'd struggle to say hello tbh.

DocCee · 11/05/2023 21:09

RosaCaramella · 10/05/2023 00:40

I’m not sure there is much you can do. As you originally gave her a key, the police won’t be interested and it will be your word against hers that your partner said she wasn’t to come in that day. And if nothing is missing or damaged, the police won’t see any harm has been done.
Quietly change your locks and return her house keys to her in an envelope through the door with a note saying you want to stop your arrangement. I don’t think having a showdown would make any of you feel better. The trust is gone so best just cut ties and get on with your life.

Unless of course the original refusal of access conversation was also captured on the door cam…..

MagicEvie · 11/05/2023 21:09

Have you gotten your keys back yet?

Soapyspuds · 11/05/2023 21:42

She might be having health issues affecting her personality and behaviour if they are getting on a bit. Not that it can condone what she did. I would get the keys off them and try only to deal with her husband in future.