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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 11/05/2023 08:40

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 10/05/2023 12:16

Technically it's burglary as she's entered with intent to steal even if she didn't managed to steal. It's enough she just entered without your permission. You can report to police and she could get arrested and interviewed for it.

Technically it’s no such thing. She didn’t steal anything or try to. Presumably she left the keys and fob behind?

I’m all for the peaceful resolution but I’d still want the keys back. Maybe pass them over short term to feed the fish or whatever but no way would they have a set permanently now.

hotdiggetydog · 11/05/2023 08:40

CurlyTandtheTangles · 10/05/2023 23:49

Sorry. I ended up working late.

DP went next door. Jane was out, husband was in. He'd not been in when builder came and appeared to not know how access was gained. Was under impression it was agreed with us. DP informed him it was via our property and door bell cam shows this. And we are not happy.

DP said husband (who is lovely) seemed caught off guard and flustered. DP said he's told them he will be round tomorrow to discuss.

Apparently builder not finished. Needs to return. DP told husband no access unless our permission given. Husband totally agreed. (Like no one would ever think of just helping themselves).

Not very interesting really.

DP has said to me he does not want 'war' between us because we have to live here (and our roof needs redoing so we might be hanging around their property). But he will be very clear it's unacceptable, verging on criminal, trust has gone etc. He's good at firm, unemotional.

Your husband sounds very calm and measured.

lovemycottage · 11/05/2023 09:02

CurlyTandtheTangles · 10/05/2023 23:49

Sorry. I ended up working late.

DP went next door. Jane was out, husband was in. He'd not been in when builder came and appeared to not know how access was gained. Was under impression it was agreed with us. DP informed him it was via our property and door bell cam shows this. And we are not happy.

DP said husband (who is lovely) seemed caught off guard and flustered. DP said he's told them he will be round tomorrow to discuss.

Apparently builder not finished. Needs to return. DP told husband no access unless our permission given. Husband totally agreed. (Like no one would ever think of just helping themselves).

Not very interesting really.

DP has said to me he does not want 'war' between us because we have to live here (and our roof needs redoing so we might be hanging around their property). But he will be very clear it's unacceptable, verging on criminal, trust has gone etc. He's good at firm, unemotional.

Your husband handled the situation perfectly.👏👏

LookItsMeAgain · 11/05/2023 09:04

The trust is gone though. Please get a lockbox that you can put somewhere secure that can keep a spare key in it and get their spare for your house back.
If they don't have a spare key to your place they can't let themselves in.

I'd also consider changing the barrel of the lock for yourselves, just in case they did get spares of your spare cut.

CoffeeYes · 11/05/2023 09:07

@CurlyTandtheTangles get your key back and explain that because she broke your trust and violated your privacy, you will not grant her access through your property even if you are in the house. The neighbours and builders can find an alternative route. You mention that you need your roof replaced. I doubt you need access through their house. Also hide your garage key just in case she’s had your key cut.

lovemycottage · 11/05/2023 09:11

cosmiccosmos · 11/05/2023 08:15

Sounds as though your DH has taken the right approach.

Jane should now be hot footing it around to yours ro apologies. Somehow I think she won't which in my world would mean it needs escalating as she has shown she doesn't care and thinks she can do as she pleases.

Yea I also think she'll kick off and won't apologise.

Lacoeur · 11/05/2023 09:11

Wow Jane is a cf! Get the key off her asap! What else has she been in your house and snooped for?! Surely that’s trespassing?

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 11/05/2023 09:37

@CurlyTandtheTangles Shame Jane was out!

I still think you need to get the key back because she'll only do the same thing again when the builder needs to come back. You can keep it civil if you think they'll be affected by your roof repairs in the future, but she can't be allowed to get away with that.

Come back and update us once your DH has spoken to them again today!

starfishmummy · 11/05/2023 09:40

CoffeeYes · 11/05/2023 09:07

@CurlyTandtheTangles get your key back and explain that because she broke your trust and violated your privacy, you will not grant her access through your property even if you are in the house. The neighbours and builders can find an alternative route. You mention that you need your roof replaced. I doubt you need access through their house. Also hide your garage key just in case she’s had your key cut.

If sounds like there would be no way to access it from the neighbours side anyway.

stockpilingallthecheese · 11/05/2023 18:00

Did you manage to speak to the lady next door?

Divorcedalongtime · 11/05/2023 18:00

OMG, demand the keys back off them immifiafely, she has no respect for your boundaries

QuintanaRoo · 11/05/2023 18:06

Well I think your dp has handled it very well, certainly calmer than I’d have been! Hope you’ve got your key back.

Moanyoldmoan · 11/05/2023 18:07

Whaaaaatttttt.. I would go absolutely crazy how dare she! This is completely unacceptable

Mossley · 11/05/2023 18:08

It's actually breaking and entering because even though they have a key, you have not given them permission. The 'breaking' bit isn't literal, they opened the front door and entered and so technically they have committed a crime.

I would be livid and tempted to report it, at the very least tear a very large strip off them and take your key back.

GoodChat · 11/05/2023 18:09

QuintanaRoo · 11/05/2023 18:06

Well I think your dp has handled it very well, certainly calmer than I’d have been! Hope you’ve got your key back.

Jane's H has handled it well too. He could easily have got defensive and aggressive but he was honest and willing to listen and mortified when he realised the truth

Noodles1234 · 11/05/2023 18:14

That is downright awful! If she has (sounds like she has), that’s beyond the pale.

I’d call them out on it and ask for my keys back.
If they have they have broken their trust. Just say someone you know walked past and saw someone in our house.

CantFindMyMarbles · 11/05/2023 18:14

Your neighbour is bang out of order.

Mygosh · 11/05/2023 18:29

May I ask what sort of fence you have between your properties? It's just being in the building trade, I know a little trick...if the fence is the type that slots onto concrete posts, it can be removed for access. Is it possible that they gained access that way? Not that this is ok, they definitely need your permission to access your property for repairs. A decent tradesperson will not enter a property without permission, for fear of being accused of stealing or causing damage. I hope you get your key back!

Cotonsugar · 11/05/2023 18:31

Trespassing without your permission - not on at all. Ask for your keys back, I would be fuming. I have a dog also so can understand in that respect but to have someone entering my house without permission would make me feel very uncomfortable. You’re doing them a favour so they should fit in with your timetable, not expect you to fit in with them regardless.

bellocchild · 11/05/2023 18:35

Don't bother about getting keys back - change the locks. She might have had spares cut.

Peppermintpatty24 · 11/05/2023 18:39

You being an autistic person has nothing to do with your feelings about this. The fact is, she is an absolute piss taker. How dare they. You are well within your rights to be fuming.

oosha · 11/05/2023 18:40

I would hand her keys back and get all keys back from her, I would personally feel like my trust had been broken. I think that’s the height of cheek.

Prettydress · 11/05/2023 18:42

Update please!

I think you're within your rights to suggest they pay for your locks to be changed as they have compromised the security of your home. Would it have an effect on your insurance that someone has has been misusing a key and gaining unauthorized entry to your home?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/05/2023 18:45

I'd be getting in touch with the builders (in case more work is needed) and saying that Jane absolutely did not have permission to give them access and asking them to make good any damage to the garden.

Madamum18 · 11/05/2023 18:50

Completely out of order. DP was quite within his rights to refuse. Get your key back asap!